I'm not the best sister in the world. There's no excuse for it and there's nothing else I can really say besides telling me truth. While I have an older sister, we didn't grow up together at all and never spent any time together so most of my sibling energy went to my brother who's six years younger than me. We have very different personalities and always have so we kind of grew up as "only" children, with him doing his thing and me doing mine. As we've grown up, he's moved a few hours away and has a family to take care of; I don't call like I should and rarely ever visit. Most of the things I know about him comes from the middle man - our mother.
It bothers both of us that we aren't closer but because he's the more emotional one, it gets to him more than me. I "try" to work on it but could do better and yet, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. I get caught in my own world of "nothingness," being fully aware that his life is five times as stressful as mine but I don't even call once a week to give him that "sibling time." We don't have to be best friends - I don't even think either of us wants that. What he needs, and what I've seem to "refuse" to give, is just a little more of me. I'm genuinely open when we talk but there's just not a lot to say. I don't dig deeper because I often don't feel like dealing with the push back he'll give even though I know he secretly likes that. It's just become our semi-connected but not really way of doing things.
We press on and move about our lives knowing that the love never changes even if we hardly talk. He doesn't judge me for being protective from a distance and loving in my own way. Maybe we'll get better and maybe we won't but for all that we are...I thank him.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Monday, August 20, 2012
As The Cycle Continues
I'm in awe of most parents. Like, I admire the work that most of them put into raising their children into the becoming the best possible adults. Even when things don't ultimately go the way they planned for their kids and as hurtful as it may be, I still bow down to the work it takes to raise children. If you are a parent, that seems to be the most important job you'll ever have.
But the operative word was "most." For as much as I love those parents, I am infuriated by the parents who basically do the absolute least and expect the most kudos. I don't want to offend but as I continue to watch some of the parents in my neighborhood, it weighs on my heart and my brain and I need to speak on it.
On an almost daily basis, when I walk home there are groups of people - men and women - hanging outside and their kids are playing with each other. Sounds good, right, seeing the parents outside spending that time with their kids? Eh, not so much. These parents are often flat out drunk, smoking blunts and cursing up a storm in front of their own children. This is at any given time on any given day. They're hardly watching the kids, as sometimes they're all the way on my end of the block which is almost out of their vision and certainly where someone could easily snatch them. It's almost like they know they have children but they'd prefer if they just went on and did their own thing.
Last week as I was walking to my building, this lady (she looked about mid-20s) must have been talking about her plans for the next day. Her son said to her, "Ma, what day am I coming back again?" With an attitude she replied, "You coming back whenever I finish partying!" I cut my eyes over real quick, saw her with her red Solo cup and a blunt while her son just went off to ride his bike. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him that she responded like that because its something he's used to or maybe it wasn't even a big deal period but it was pretty telling. She was so dismissive and clear more concerned about her plans for the next night.
That example and so many others make me wonder if these parents on my block and others around the world are continuing a cycle or if they're starting one. From the outside looking in (and I want to be clear that I'm on the outside looking in - been looking for about six years now), it would appear that these kids are growing up with an adult in the house but not a real parental figure. Almost all of them are very "forceful" in their tone and discipline so that the kids know who is in charge but what does it matter? There don't seem to be any real examples being set. If that's the case, what are the children to go on as they grow into adulthood? What positive examples will they be able to follow? Sure, at some point all adults have to figure out their lives despite what they were shown as children but that is very hard.
When you have kids, you take on that role and despite all of our numerous opinions, I'm sure that role doesn't include being drunk and smoking blunts in front of them on the regular nor does it include cursing them out all the time. As I reflect on this, I just hope that all kids find positive role models at some point whether they or in or out of the home.
But the operative word was "most." For as much as I love those parents, I am infuriated by the parents who basically do the absolute least and expect the most kudos. I don't want to offend but as I continue to watch some of the parents in my neighborhood, it weighs on my heart and my brain and I need to speak on it.
On an almost daily basis, when I walk home there are groups of people - men and women - hanging outside and their kids are playing with each other. Sounds good, right, seeing the parents outside spending that time with their kids? Eh, not so much. These parents are often flat out drunk, smoking blunts and cursing up a storm in front of their own children. This is at any given time on any given day. They're hardly watching the kids, as sometimes they're all the way on my end of the block which is almost out of their vision and certainly where someone could easily snatch them. It's almost like they know they have children but they'd prefer if they just went on and did their own thing.
Last week as I was walking to my building, this lady (she looked about mid-20s) must have been talking about her plans for the next day. Her son said to her, "Ma, what day am I coming back again?" With an attitude she replied, "You coming back whenever I finish partying!" I cut my eyes over real quick, saw her with her red Solo cup and a blunt while her son just went off to ride his bike. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him that she responded like that because its something he's used to or maybe it wasn't even a big deal period but it was pretty telling. She was so dismissive and clear more concerned about her plans for the next night.
That example and so many others make me wonder if these parents on my block and others around the world are continuing a cycle or if they're starting one. From the outside looking in (and I want to be clear that I'm on the outside looking in - been looking for about six years now), it would appear that these kids are growing up with an adult in the house but not a real parental figure. Almost all of them are very "forceful" in their tone and discipline so that the kids know who is in charge but what does it matter? There don't seem to be any real examples being set. If that's the case, what are the children to go on as they grow into adulthood? What positive examples will they be able to follow? Sure, at some point all adults have to figure out their lives despite what they were shown as children but that is very hard.
When you have kids, you take on that role and despite all of our numerous opinions, I'm sure that role doesn't include being drunk and smoking blunts in front of them on the regular nor does it include cursing them out all the time. As I reflect on this, I just hope that all kids find positive role models at some point whether they or in or out of the home.
The Wall
It happened. I knew it would but was hoping it would take longer. I was hoping I'd react differently.
The wall hit me right in my face with my daily posts and instead of believing that I could climb my big behind over it - or at least get a rope to help me up - I let it get the best of me and I stopped writing.
Sure, my biggest problem is coming up with something to say that I want to really share. I'm pretty open on here but sometimes there are some things a girl just wants to keep to herself, you know? I mean, I don't have any real "business" anyway but you know what I'm saying! Then when I do get a topic, I have to think hard about not being too "wordy." One thing about me: I. CAN. TALK. My writing is conversational and those who know me can literally hear my voice when they read what I write. But when reading, there's no time for all that. I have to just get to the point.
Anyway, I say all that to say I haven't given up yet. At all. While I've lost momentum and the point was to write daily, I still believe I will finish up strong. I'm just disappointed in myself.
Oh well. *slowly starts climbing up and over the wall*
The wall hit me right in my face with my daily posts and instead of believing that I could climb my big behind over it - or at least get a rope to help me up - I let it get the best of me and I stopped writing.
Sure, my biggest problem is coming up with something to say that I want to really share. I'm pretty open on here but sometimes there are some things a girl just wants to keep to herself, you know? I mean, I don't have any real "business" anyway but you know what I'm saying! Then when I do get a topic, I have to think hard about not being too "wordy." One thing about me: I. CAN. TALK. My writing is conversational and those who know me can literally hear my voice when they read what I write. But when reading, there's no time for all that. I have to just get to the point.
Anyway, I say all that to say I haven't given up yet. At all. While I've lost momentum and the point was to write daily, I still believe I will finish up strong. I'm just disappointed in myself.
Oh well. *slowly starts climbing up and over the wall*
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
A Talk With Brooklyn
Dear "New" Brooklyn.
We've got to talk. I know you're enjoying your new found fame but things are changing at a rapid pace and I need to address you before I lose it. I know you're enjoying your new found fame and I can appreciate it. People are finally realizing what lifelong Brooklynites (or at least those who've been here for at least 20 years) have already known: you are wonderful. You are complex. You get on our nerves. You are the place we are sad to leave if we must go. And that's great for you! But slow down son, you're killing us.
First of all, this Barclay's Center. I just can't support it. Its built in an already crowded area and despite what the powers-that-be may think, that stadium makes it harder for us to access our grocery stores and retail shops in the area - especially on concert/show/game days. The stores that have been in the area for years have had to shut down because you ("you" is Brooklyn, by the way) need the space for the stadium. People were moved out of their homes for the same reason. Every time I see it, I am reminded that Brooklyn has drastically changed over the last 10 years and this is just the "icing on the cake."
Second and most importantly, Brooklyn? You've allowed these transplants to move here and they actually believe they ARE Brooklyn. Now don't get me wrong, I'm friends with many people who've moved here from other states and I love them dearly. But for the purpose of our chat, I have to throw them in the collective. Long gone are the days of going to a party in Brooklyn and not only enjoying the people but the music as well. Long gone are the days of not having to dress to the 9s (unless you wanted to, of course) just to go dance. Hell, long gone are the days of dancing. Now it seems that to go to a party in Brooklyn, you have to be dressed to the 9s. You have to sit around and be cute. You have to almost act as though the music doesn't exist. By the way, most of the people at these parties aren't even from Brooklyn. Its the weirdest little...thing.
Before you think I'm attacking you, let me say that I know you're not totally at fault. People from Manhattan moved here because they were financially pushed out. That started the trend and everyone followed suit. The stores traveled and so came the prices and the Manhattan "attitude." I guess after that, the natural progression was for Brooklyn to be morphed into some cheaper version of Manhattan. But that's what we don't want. We've been in our own little word for so long that we have our own identity. One that we'd like to keep, than you very much.
I don't want to continue to sound like the cranky ol' Brooklyn girl who misses her city. I am absolutely fine with the idea that things often have to go through some changes, I really am. I always want my borough to shine as brightly as it can. Brooklyn has always been the "diamond" of the five boroughs despite what anyone else thinks.
"New" Brooklyn, we as "Old" Brooklyn don't owe you anything. Don't force us into being what we're not. Take a step into our world and see what you've missed. I'm sure after that we can come to a common ground.
Sincerely,
"Old(ie) But goodie" Brooklyn
We've got to talk. I know you're enjoying your new found fame but things are changing at a rapid pace and I need to address you before I lose it. I know you're enjoying your new found fame and I can appreciate it. People are finally realizing what lifelong Brooklynites (or at least those who've been here for at least 20 years) have already known: you are wonderful. You are complex. You get on our nerves. You are the place we are sad to leave if we must go. And that's great for you! But slow down son, you're killing us.
First of all, this Barclay's Center. I just can't support it. Its built in an already crowded area and despite what the powers-that-be may think, that stadium makes it harder for us to access our grocery stores and retail shops in the area - especially on concert/show/game days. The stores that have been in the area for years have had to shut down because you ("you" is Brooklyn, by the way) need the space for the stadium. People were moved out of their homes for the same reason. Every time I see it, I am reminded that Brooklyn has drastically changed over the last 10 years and this is just the "icing on the cake."
Second and most importantly, Brooklyn? You've allowed these transplants to move here and they actually believe they ARE Brooklyn. Now don't get me wrong, I'm friends with many people who've moved here from other states and I love them dearly. But for the purpose of our chat, I have to throw them in the collective. Long gone are the days of going to a party in Brooklyn and not only enjoying the people but the music as well. Long gone are the days of not having to dress to the 9s (unless you wanted to, of course) just to go dance. Hell, long gone are the days of dancing. Now it seems that to go to a party in Brooklyn, you have to be dressed to the 9s. You have to sit around and be cute. You have to almost act as though the music doesn't exist. By the way, most of the people at these parties aren't even from Brooklyn. Its the weirdest little...thing.
Before you think I'm attacking you, let me say that I know you're not totally at fault. People from Manhattan moved here because they were financially pushed out. That started the trend and everyone followed suit. The stores traveled and so came the prices and the Manhattan "attitude." I guess after that, the natural progression was for Brooklyn to be morphed into some cheaper version of Manhattan. But that's what we don't want. We've been in our own little word for so long that we have our own identity. One that we'd like to keep, than you very much.
I don't want to continue to sound like the cranky ol' Brooklyn girl who misses her city. I am absolutely fine with the idea that things often have to go through some changes, I really am. I always want my borough to shine as brightly as it can. Brooklyn has always been the "diamond" of the five boroughs despite what anyone else thinks.
"New" Brooklyn, we as "Old" Brooklyn don't owe you anything. Don't force us into being what we're not. Take a step into our world and see what you've missed. I'm sure after that we can come to a common ground.
Sincerely,
"Old(ie) But goodie" Brooklyn
Thursday, August 9, 2012
IF.
Over the years, there have been a lot of jobs and talents I've seen others with that have made me say, "MAN, I wish I could do that." In my mind, you should look no further than me if you're looking for that everyday, renaissance woman. I swear, I've done it all in my mind. But in my heart of hearts, I was truly made to do one thing in another life.
Sing.
I'm not talking about being an Oh that's catchy-the lyrics are cute-its fun to dance to" type of singer. I'm talking about a slap your mama-tell your life story-bring you to tears type of SANGA, feel me? Besides actually listening to music, it is quite possible that I love to sing more than anything in this world.
The problem? Yep, I can't sing. Thanks to the "Women of the Roundtable," which includes me and four of my favorite Sorors, I learned back in college how to harmonize. They wouldn't let me join in on the singing unless I learned my proper key (you'd have thought hazing was involved) and so, I did. We would "tweet" (that was our word for singing whenever we would sing along to Tweet's music) on road trips, to the grocery store, in apartments...wherever. They also knew all the lyrics to the gospel songs and since I wanted to be down (they can all sing), I learned all the words too. Thanks to them, many people today actually think I have a decent singing voice. I sing all DAY at the 9-5.
I sometimes imagine myself singing background for Anthony Hamilton, Jill Scott or any of my other favorites. The only thing is that when it came time to introduce the band and singers, I wouldn't take the moment that the featured artist gives his background singers to display their skills. Instead, while the other background singers are showing OUT, I just slowly fade to the back until that portion of the show is over. When we're back to the featured singer, I just kind of ease back in. See, I'm just there to keep the harmony. I don't need to be famous. I just need one good, maybe six city, tour to get this passion out of my system.
But I'm not, so I can't, then I won't but...
IF.
Sing.
I'm not talking about being an Oh that's catchy-the lyrics are cute-its fun to dance to" type of singer. I'm talking about a slap your mama-tell your life story-bring you to tears type of SANGA, feel me? Besides actually listening to music, it is quite possible that I love to sing more than anything in this world.
The problem? Yep, I can't sing. Thanks to the "Women of the Roundtable," which includes me and four of my favorite Sorors, I learned back in college how to harmonize. They wouldn't let me join in on the singing unless I learned my proper key (you'd have thought hazing was involved) and so, I did. We would "tweet" (that was our word for singing whenever we would sing along to Tweet's music) on road trips, to the grocery store, in apartments...wherever. They also knew all the lyrics to the gospel songs and since I wanted to be down (they can all sing), I learned all the words too. Thanks to them, many people today actually think I have a decent singing voice. I sing all DAY at the 9-5.
I sometimes imagine myself singing background for Anthony Hamilton, Jill Scott or any of my other favorites. The only thing is that when it came time to introduce the band and singers, I wouldn't take the moment that the featured artist gives his background singers to display their skills. Instead, while the other background singers are showing OUT, I just slowly fade to the back until that portion of the show is over. When we're back to the featured singer, I just kind of ease back in. See, I'm just there to keep the harmony. I don't need to be famous. I just need one good, maybe six city, tour to get this passion out of my system.
But I'm not, so I can't, then I won't but...
IF.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Music Makes Me High
In the month or so that I've been thinking about getting back to blogging full-time, I realized that one thing would likely get lost in the shuffle: music chat.
Although I use this space to talk about virtually anything, I primarily keep it focused on life (mine or the people in my life), love and all that in between. I love to talk about that kind of stuff and though my life as a whole is due for an overhaul, I can chat about it all day.
But music is a lifelong love of mine. As a child, my parents owned crates and crates of albums. (Actually, I guess they really belonged to my dad because my mom got rid of them right after she got rid of him, lol.) I would look at the album covers while the album itself played, always intrigued by who wrote what song, what label the artist was on and played what instruments were played during certain songs. That trend has absolutely carried into adulthood and before I finally broke down and got an mp3 player, my biggest worry was buying albums online because I was scared I couldn't read the ever important jacket. Music literally means the world to me.
I knew I couldn't leave it out when I started blogging even though, like I said, that wouldn't be the full focus. I do, however, take the music posts even more serious than the non-music posts which is why they don't pop up very often. But lately I've been thinking that I might need to do something more with it so that (1) it won't get lost in the midst of other posts and (2) I can continue to express my own excitement about different aspects of music. I've been thinking about some different ways to do that and nothing is set in stone but just know I'm working some things out in my mind.
For now, during the #30IN30 challenge, there's a good chance you'll still see music posts - especially if something really pulls at me and I need to talk about it. After that, we'll see if something different happens. In the words of Boardwalk Empire's own Chalky White...could be, could be not.
Although I use this space to talk about virtually anything, I primarily keep it focused on life (mine or the people in my life), love and all that in between. I love to talk about that kind of stuff and though my life as a whole is due for an overhaul, I can chat about it all day.
But music is a lifelong love of mine. As a child, my parents owned crates and crates of albums. (Actually, I guess they really belonged to my dad because my mom got rid of them right after she got rid of him, lol.) I would look at the album covers while the album itself played, always intrigued by who wrote what song, what label the artist was on and played what instruments were played during certain songs. That trend has absolutely carried into adulthood and before I finally broke down and got an mp3 player, my biggest worry was buying albums online because I was scared I couldn't read the ever important jacket. Music literally means the world to me.
I knew I couldn't leave it out when I started blogging even though, like I said, that wouldn't be the full focus. I do, however, take the music posts even more serious than the non-music posts which is why they don't pop up very often. But lately I've been thinking that I might need to do something more with it so that (1) it won't get lost in the midst of other posts and (2) I can continue to express my own excitement about different aspects of music. I've been thinking about some different ways to do that and nothing is set in stone but just know I'm working some things out in my mind.
For now, during the #30IN30 challenge, there's a good chance you'll still see music posts - especially if something really pulls at me and I need to talk about it. After that, we'll see if something different happens. In the words of Boardwalk Empire's own Chalky White...could be, could be not.
Keep It Cute, Boo: The Lolo Jones Saga Continues
If you're not familiar with Lolo Jones, these are the two things that are always synonymous with her name: (1) she's a track star and (2) at 30 years old, she's a virgin. While the latter of the two appears more juicy, there's more scandal in the former because of her recent showing at the Olympics.
Here's the quick backstory: Yesterday, Lolo placed fourth in the 100m hurdle finals. This was hard to take, not only because she was hoping to taking home an Olympic medal but also because the media has been especially hard on her lately. The New York Times ripped her last week for only being visually appealing but not holding any real track achievements. No, she doesn't have medals but she's maintained some American records over the last couple of years so you can understand her frustration during her interview on TODAY with some members of the media who appear to be all on her back about something that's not really accurate. You follow me? Good, so let's move on to the latest and greatest.
Fellow American track team members Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells won the silver and bronze medals, respectively, in the same 100m hurdle race in which Lolo lost. I'm not really familiar with them as I don't watch track & field year round but was able to read a little bit about each since their wins last night. They both have pretty good stories and we likely haven't heard more about them during the Olympics because they don't have the exotic look or the "perfect" pretty face that the mainstream looks for. The one they found in Lolo. Can we be honest and acknowledge that these points are valid? Good. What I noticed at the end of the race yesterday was that Dawn and Kellie were eager to hug and congratulate each other while I didn't notice Lolo come anywhere near them (she was probably off somewhere not knowing how to deal with failure and being a sore loser but its okay). I gave a quick "hmmph" and shrugged it off because they probably all congratulated each other in the locker room after Lolo collected her emotions.
Then I saw this video this morning. If you don't feel like clicking the link (I know how it is), long and short is that the interviewer asked both Dawn why she felt she wasn't getting the respect she thought she deserved and Dawn basically told her that she felt she has a compelling story but because their (Note: I guess "their" is referring to advertisers...not sure) favorite didn't win, she was pushed to the side. However, she feels like NOW people must respect her since after winning the gold medal in 2008, she's now won a silver in this year's Olympics. The interviewer then asked if there was any fighting amongst the team and for her part, Kellie Wells replied, "Well, I think that, on the podium tonight, the three girls that earned their spot and they got their medals and they worked hard and did what they needed to do, prevailed. And that's all that really needs to be said." Dawn added a "Boom" to put an exclamation point on her girl's statement.
*sigh*
Is that what we do now, throw our teammates under the bus just because we don't like them? Was there a reason Dawn and Kellie couldn't keep it cute and politically correct? Did any of us need to know that they pretty much can't stand Lolo? Do either of these women think we want to hear more of their respective stories because they put their feelings on blast? Had they given their answers any thought and remembered any media training they received, they would have smiled it off and gave a very generic and hell, patriotic answer.
Do they think that any companies really feel the need to endorse either of them after making such damning statements? I get it, you feel disrespected by the media, fans and perhaps the track and field community. Hell, maybe even behind the scenes, Lolo throws ya'll much shade. But guess what? We don't know that part of the story nor do we need to. Don't be mad at her because with or without the accolades you have she's getting the fame. She didn't do it, her team did. All their little shadiness did was help her get a little more shine and sympathy so look for a new check from a new endorser any day now.
It's all funny and "you go girl" until you find yourself borrowing someone else's sneakers to race in again (direct shade to Ms. Harper). Next time, worry about what you might can do better to a cut of what the next woman has. Or better, keep working hard and you'll just get your own.
Here's the quick backstory: Yesterday, Lolo placed fourth in the 100m hurdle finals. This was hard to take, not only because she was hoping to taking home an Olympic medal but also because the media has been especially hard on her lately. The New York Times ripped her last week for only being visually appealing but not holding any real track achievements. No, she doesn't have medals but she's maintained some American records over the last couple of years so you can understand her frustration during her interview on TODAY with some members of the media who appear to be all on her back about something that's not really accurate. You follow me? Good, so let's move on to the latest and greatest.
Fellow American track team members Dawn Harper and Kellie Wells won the silver and bronze medals, respectively, in the same 100m hurdle race in which Lolo lost. I'm not really familiar with them as I don't watch track & field year round but was able to read a little bit about each since their wins last night. They both have pretty good stories and we likely haven't heard more about them during the Olympics because they don't have the exotic look or the "perfect" pretty face that the mainstream looks for. The one they found in Lolo. Can we be honest and acknowledge that these points are valid? Good. What I noticed at the end of the race yesterday was that Dawn and Kellie were eager to hug and congratulate each other while I didn't notice Lolo come anywhere near them (she was probably off somewhere not knowing how to deal with failure and being a sore loser but its okay). I gave a quick "hmmph" and shrugged it off because they probably all congratulated each other in the locker room after Lolo collected her emotions.
Then I saw this video this morning. If you don't feel like clicking the link (I know how it is), long and short is that the interviewer asked both Dawn why she felt she wasn't getting the respect she thought she deserved and Dawn basically told her that she felt she has a compelling story but because their (Note: I guess "their" is referring to advertisers...not sure) favorite didn't win, she was pushed to the side. However, she feels like NOW people must respect her since after winning the gold medal in 2008, she's now won a silver in this year's Olympics. The interviewer then asked if there was any fighting amongst the team and for her part, Kellie Wells replied, "Well, I think that, on the podium tonight, the three girls that earned their spot and they got their medals and they worked hard and did what they needed to do, prevailed. And that's all that really needs to be said." Dawn added a "Boom" to put an exclamation point on her girl's statement.
*sigh*
Is that what we do now, throw our teammates under the bus just because we don't like them? Was there a reason Dawn and Kellie couldn't keep it cute and politically correct? Did any of us need to know that they pretty much can't stand Lolo? Do either of these women think we want to hear more of their respective stories because they put their feelings on blast? Had they given their answers any thought and remembered any media training they received, they would have smiled it off and gave a very generic and hell, patriotic answer.
Do they think that any companies really feel the need to endorse either of them after making such damning statements? I get it, you feel disrespected by the media, fans and perhaps the track and field community. Hell, maybe even behind the scenes, Lolo throws ya'll much shade. But guess what? We don't know that part of the story nor do we need to. Don't be mad at her because with or without the accolades you have she's getting the fame. She didn't do it, her team did. All their little shadiness did was help her get a little more shine and sympathy so look for a new check from a new endorser any day now.
It's all funny and "you go girl" until you find yourself borrowing someone else's sneakers to race in again (direct shade to Ms. Harper). Next time, worry about what you might can do better to a cut of what the next woman has. Or better, keep working hard and you'll just get your own.
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