Monday, April 26, 2010

Check, Check and CHECK!

So, three weeks ago, VH1 premiered, "What Chilli Wants" which follows the "new" dating life of TLC's Chilli. She has a list of what she WANTS in a man and based on the introduction of the show, she isn't willing to compromise much. What's on the list? Here are a few things:
  • He must be FINE (in the South, "fine" is a definition for a cute face AND a great body);
  • He can't be too young;
  • He has to be spiritual;
  • He can't eat pork;
  • He can't drink or smoke;
  • He has to be sensitive and caring and finally;
  • He must be PACKING (for those who want to act like they don't know - he has to have a big penis
Hmmmm. After the first episode premiered a couple of weeks ago, people (primarily women) were in a complete uproar saying that her list was completely unreasonable and its no wonder she can't find a man. That her list was impossible and she's asking for too much. Her friends on the show and dating coach, Tionna, believe the same thing. The intro of the show includes Chilli stating that she's not willing to compromise. Okay, girl - NO compromise? Last time I checked in on "girl talk," a man with a big penis does not equate to knowing what to do with it. I don't know that Tiny Tim could hit it just right either but I think my point is made. No pork? Ehh, I don't eat it either but I'm not mad at someone who does. She rations that here by saying, "I’m very healthy. I’m into eating right and there are just some things to me, when you talk about eating right, you shouldn't eat." Ummm, alright. So with these thoughts in mind, I think that those "Requirements" might be a little far-fetched.

I wondered why people were so "mad" about this list. Women and men, to my knowledge, generally have always had standards that they've tried to keep when they feel they've reached a certain level where they believe they're deserving of a certain type of person. I don't know anyone who has NEVER had a list in mind of the person they wanted or, more importantly, a person they needed. Sure, those things are usually more about the QUALITY of the person but notwithstanding the same, they had a list. I've always had a list in mind and while I've definitely compromised on the outer appearance (my tall, football build preference has been known to change from time to time but I do try to stick hard to the "tall" part), its actually helped in knowing what I need and don't need from a man. I don't neither need nor want perfection and the more important things on that list are more of an internal thing within a man's being. Now will Chilli, any woman, any man, or myself get everything on that list? That remains to be seen. Just because you have an idea of what you think you want, what you really need may come in a different package altogether. But a list? Hmmm, yeah I get it.

I'm a strong believer that if you can provide something, you should be able to ask for it in return. So if Chilli can manage to be everything on her list (minus "PACKING," which then should equate to her being a straight up freak), is it asking too much for her to receive it in return?

What's wrong with a list? Let's Talk.

Note: I saw the second episode and I was kind of turned off by her behavior with Dolvett. The idea of her having a list almost didn't make sense because she halfway didn't apply it. My blog "argument" still stands though.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Quality vs. Quantity

Gotta love Facebook sometimes.

I was on FB last night and I came upon my friend Far Rock's status update which read: "Do You REALLY have to know someone for YEARS in order to marry them?" Now my initial thought was, "Is he about to consider proposing to someone?" But my next thought was, "Thanks for the blog topic." Let's consider the options.

Two people meet and immediately find that they have a "connection." It's very strong, very real, and after maybe about 4-5 months, they decide there is no one else for the other and they should get married. For the sake of what some would consider "adults," let's age them 27-30. Some might argue that they haven't known each other long enough, that they're still in the "honeymoon" stage and haven't gotten to know they true essence of the other person, and/or that their significant other could be crazy and because you all haven't been together long enough, you haven't given it time to come out. Some would further argue that neither of you, in 4-5 months, have been able to go really "deep" with the person and find out what truly makes them who they are in such a short span. How could a marriage "stand the test of time" when the two people haven't even known each other long?

Two people meet and immediately they think, "Oh, he/she is real cool." They begin to casually date (which means, for those who don't know MY definition, that they see each other but are not mutually exclusive and are free to date others) for a few months - taking time to get to know each other and having fun. After a time period of keeping it "light," they decide that being exclusive with each other is what they both want and are now in a relationship. Though they've decide that this is what they both want, it doesn't stop them from getting to know one another. They haven't rushed to any hasty decisions but after 4 years (for the sake of Far Rock's question I had to put a few years on it), they're getting married. Some would say that they took the time to get to know each other as best they could (keeping in my that people are ever changing), see what made the other person tick and made them happy, see what the others' dreams were, etc. These two should be together forever, right?

Quick personal story: My parents knew each other for 6-8 months (as I can gather) before they were married. They were together for about 21 years, I believe. Granted, it was clear to me from an early age that they weren't a "fit" but for their own reasons, they made a way for all those years.

So what of it? In your world, is it conceivable that a marriage can last when the couple has only been together for a few months? In your eyes, is a couple destined to be together forever because they took the time to get to know each other?

Let's discuss.

Drenna Note: I don't THINK Far Rock is getting married. He better not be keeping secrets!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It Had To Be You

Circa '01

My friends and I were in New Orleans for either a stepshow or a football game (HBCU road trip - it had to have been one or the other). While in the French Quarters, we ran into one of our other friends and his cousin, NL,. Tall, locs, cute and one of those accents that make you drool. Yessss. Anyway, he and I became cool when a bug-a-boo would NOT leave me alone -he pretended to be my boyfriend. NL lived in New Orleans so we only hung out for those couple of hours. After we got back to school, we would pass pleasantries through his cousin until one day his cousin told me, "Here's his number - just call him." Ummm, no. I wasn't going to do that but hoped that I would see him again when I visited N.O. again. Unbeknownst to me, cousin gave NL my number and he called me first.

We would talk for HOURS about music, sports, dating, school life...whatever came to mind. It was fun. I would come in from step practice and right on cue, the phone would ring. My roommate/then best friend would say, "And there's your boyfriend calling." He wasn't but he made it very clear he liked me and why and vice versa. We just knew it wouldn't work being in college and trying to be in a long distance relationship. So we continued to be friends while liking each other.

Summer came. We talked just as much and still hadn't seen each other since that first time. He loved Puerto Rican culture and would always ask me to go to abc place to see if I could find xyz for him. He wanted Uptowns with the PR flag on it so he could watch the PR Day Parade on tv in them while waving the PR flag I sent him. Weird and funny...but it worked. My mother would even say, "I don't know...this might be the start of something good."

And then he mentioned his friend. He'd call me form time to time and say, "meant to call you back but I was at my homegirl's house and fell asleep. I didn't get up til __ o'clock this morning." Oh really? I had a problem with it but I didn't know what to do. I was even worse back then expressing myself than I am now so what'd I do? Write a letter. I told NL how it was always a little weird for me how he always "fell asleep" at her house and how it wasn't cool for him to tell me how much he liked me but was chillin overnight at his "friend's" house. Here's the kicker: At the end of the letter, I told him I didn't want to talk about what I'd written - just wanted to tell him. At 21, I still wasn't ready to have talks like that and especially not to someone who wasn't really my boyfriend. So, he acknowledged that he got the letter was "Ohhh okay cool" and changed the subject.

We never really spoke much after that brush off and after a couple more conversations, it ended completely. Just like that. I saw him two years later at his cousin's graduation. I saw NL from a distance so he never knew I saw him. He looked...different. Worn down...BEAT even. I told my friend, "There's NL. Looks like I dodged something with that one." He was with some girl and I was a-ok with that. It was only a few months that lasted with us. More of a phone rendezvous than anything.

But for about a year and a half, I'd off an on ask myself: Was he the one that got away? Was he one of my "soulmates?" Could that have been it?

That's my story...and that's all I've got on that one.

And You??