Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Is HOME where the HEART is?

I was born in Brooklyn. Moved to Queens when I was three years old. Moved back to Brooklyn somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I left for fours years to go to college, got the degree and came on back. I'm a New Yorker to my HEART and if you cut me, eight letters may form from the blood: B-R-O-O-K-L-Y-N. Okay, maybe not but living in NYC is like my heart (though I enjoy traveling when I can to see other places).

We were talking today about my co-worker's dream life if she won the lotto. Somewhere along the way, we got on the topic of my dream to live in Westchester County, specifically in Purchase/Harrison, Scarsdale or any of the other REALLY nice towns up there. A co-worker who's from Jersey was trying to convince me that I could live in Jersey with cheaper taxes and be happy. "NO," was my basic response. I could live NYC (albeit not happily) for a job but in my mind all roads lead back here. And so the convo continues between co-worker 1 (the dream lottery winner), co-worker 2 (the NJian), and myself:

Co-worker 2: "What if you meet a guy in BROOKLYN and that's where you thought he was from, ya'll got along, and then you found out he lived in NJ?"

Me: Ummmm, I don't know."

Co-worker 2: But what if he has the house, the this, the that, and wants you to move there?"

Me: What if I have my house in Westchester County? Why can't he move there?

Co-worker 1: No but seriously? What if he wants to stay in NJ or is even from NY and wants to live there?

Me: *sigh* I don't know. I REALLY want to live in NY forever. I REALLY do. Hell, if I can't live in Westchester County, I want to live in Brooklyn Heights. (sidenote: Yes, I know I have VERY expensive living tastes. I KNOW.)

Co-Worker 1: Is it a dealbreaker for you? Can you not marry someone who wouldn't want to live in NYC?

Co-worker 2: it?

Me: *begrudgingly* NO, it isn't a dealbreaker but there needs to be a serious talk about this because this is a serious topic for me.

Co-worker 1: Would you live separately? Like him in NJ and you in NY?

Me: NO! *insert one of lil jokes here*

Co-worker 2: Ahhhh, moving for love...

So I'm thinking about, which I've done before, the idea of moving for love. In my mind, I believe that I could do it if (1) I could find a job comparable to what I have or if it is less, it would be the start of my dream job; (2) I could find my own place and (3) we were REALLY serious, which is one of the most important things. Key word: COULD. But really, WOULD I want to do that? I think I really don't have an answer because my pros and cons list would probably be about even and I don't know what the tipping point would be to make me say yay or nay.

So...what say you?

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Ties That Bind

When I started talking to my first boyfriend, he almost immediately wanted me to meet his aunt (she raised him form a young age after his mom passed). He said I was cool, he was "in love" with me (it's quoted because we were only three weeks in), and that he knew she would like me. I wasn't too excited about because I figured, even at only 20, that meeting parents/guardians was a really big deal. I introduced my parents to my "friend" when I was 18 but that was only because my mother INSISTED; I, on the other hand, was embarrassed that she forced me to do it. Anyway, I met his aunt, she LOVED me, told me I had a good head on my shoulders and thought I'd be really good for her nephew. That relationship lasted throughout the summer. I was good for him but he was NOT good for me.

As I've gotten older, no one has met my mom...because I haven't been in a serious relationship so I don't see the need to introduce her to someone I'm just kickin it with. But when I do, I'm doing it because he is the man I really like and am really serious with. I never thought about, "What if my mom doesn't like him" and how I would react if she didn't. A few weeks ago, a co-worker of mine mentioned that a guy she's dating met her parents and they liked him - which was a good thing because if they didn't, that would have been a dealbreaker. I wasn't shocked because I've known a couple of people in the past who feel the same way but I still responded with, "REALLY??" She said yes and the reason is because she's really close with her family and if they don't like the guy she's with, that would put her in an awkward position about when she would come around and she probably couldn't bring him with her.

Interesting. My mom and I talked about this before because I was telling her a girl I knew was considering ending her "thing" (can't remember if they were just dating or if they were serious) because her parents weren't really checking for him. My mom said, "Well, I know I don't have to worry about you and the idea of you discontinuing dating somebody just because I don't like him. That won't happen." She knows me well. Now, I would definitely find out what it is she doesn't like about him and file it away because quite frankly, we don't often see certain things in our relationships that others can because...hell, we're IN the relationship. But I would not immediately tell the man "Listen lil homie, it's juuuuuust not gonna work" based off what my mom says (unless she has some incriminating, without a shadow of a doubt evidence against him) about him. In my mind, no person is good enough for a parent's child and if they feel so strongly about it, they'll come up with anything to make sure it goes sour.

So, about these family ties - what say you? Can your parents (or guardians - whoever has been that influence to you) not liking who you date affect that relationship?

Let's discuss.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

World of WAGs

According to Wikipedia the definitions of WAGs is:

"WAGs (or Wags) is an acronym used particularly by the British tabloid press to describe the wives and girlfriends of high-profile football players, originally the England national football team."

For the purpose of today's blog and any further conversations, we'll use it like everyone else does and use it to talk about the athletes of American sports. By now, we should have all heard that Shaquille and Shaunie O'Neal are separated - which might lead to divorce. Two years ago, Shaq filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences and then claiming that Shaunie may have been stealing money from. Further gossip began that Shaunie was cheating with a personal trainer. We don't know what's true and what's not but the papers were torn up and they got back together.

But last month, Shaunie dropped the bomb and filed for legal separation from Shaq. Pulled the kids out of school, moved to LA, and has gotten the ball rolling. NOW rumors are running rampant across all industries, all IM conversations and either other corner that you can find that Shaq has been carrying on some affair with fellow NBA brethren, Gilbert Aernas' woman, Laura Govan for YEARS. If you've ever heard any other NBA gossip, then you've heard about Shaq's doing all through Texas and wherever else. But that's not that kind of party on here today.

While using Shaq and Shaunie as the example, there are plenty of other athletes who "do their thing" on the road or at home whenever they get the chance. Some have always been the cheating type and some have never had such open opportunity at many different women and don't know what to do with themselves. Many of these men go on to have long-term girlfriends and some have wives...and many still cheat. The question asked to them is the same that is asked to many of the non professional sports dudes: Why get serious or settle down with someone if you don't intend on being faithful?

Another question and even more of a focus is: WHY do the WAGs get involved knowing the cheating and the rumors are even more likely to happen than with the average Joe Shmoe? Women want their men to be faithful and rightfully so because there's no reason to be in a relationship if that's not going to happen. But some of these women get involved with HIGH profile men having been made of the reputation that precedes them - yet they still get caught up. A lot of the WAGs were very average women (average meaning they were not necessarily trying to make the most of their own lives befofe they met these "wonderful" men) before they met their men so it makes you wonder: did you just want the stature? Let's not forget...the MONEY.

Ahhh, the money and the lifestyle. For sure, it doesn't get past me that this is a way to make some bank and to be "upgraded" from what you used to be. Getting with the right athlete (a lot of times that's actually a baseball player because quiet as kept, that's where the money is) can set you up for quite some time even if you're not together for life...if you're smart. There's bragging involved to friends who haven't been able to "get on their level" because now they hang with stars and people like that. Do the WAGs fall so far in love with the man that they let these things go on? Or is it a little bit of that sprinkled it with a lot of the "life?"

But how many of these women are HAPPY? How many of them are truly cool with knowing (and trust, some of these women KNOW what's going on with their dudes) that their men are doing whomever - wherever and whenever? Names and pictures splattered all over papers and the internet? Family and friends won't stop talking about you and some concerned about your actual being - not just talking sh*t about you. And if you have kids, how long do you keep them involved in the charade who the sake of the "life?" How long does it remain fun?

What about you? Do you honestly think you would have what it takes (I'm talking about mentally) to be a real WAG? Have you put yourselves in the lives of these women and really thought about how far you could go? Would the love keep you there forever?


Saturday, October 24, 2009

His Heart

So, I'm on Ghostface Killah's "Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City" album - its been in consistent rotation for weeks now. Most know Ghost as one of the shoot em up bang bang members of Wu-Tang who, every now and then, can drop one of those very Carl Thomas-y (read: emotional) songs that the ladies will love and the guys will respect. His current album goes through a range of emotions from how he feels losing the woman he loves, believing he's found love at first sight, his rage at a cheating woman, and the list goes on and on. Anyway, listening to the album makes me think: Is he representing all men?

"...Any other day, I would of just let you, pass me by
Cuz I see you got situations
And I've got mine, but baby its OK
It's alright, I'm not gonna let you pass me by
Cuz this was love at first sight
Cuz this was love at first sight
It's OK... - "Paragraphes of Love" (chorus) Ghostface feat. Vaughn Anthony and Estelle

Now I certainly am not naive enough to believe that men do not have emotions and feelings and thoughts that can be just as deep as the women's thoughts and feelings. But of course, we don't often hear about it because "society" has made us believe that men shouldn't be able to express themselves and that results in them generally closing themselves up and leaving us to try and figure out what's going on in their heads. Lack of communication has often been a huge part of the reason couples cannot work our their differences and ultimately break up. Often times, the men are "blank stared" or even worse, laughed at when they do express themselves (even if it takes them an hour to get the words out). It's kind of like a Catch 22.

Case in point.

I was on the phone with, who was then and I'm not sure about now, a friend that I haven't seen in about a month. As we played catch up, he comes out and says "I miss you. I want to be around you because you're just so cool and sweet. I'm so glad we re-connected." He went on and on but I'll spare you all from that. Anyway, I kind of just looked at the phone and while I didn't laugh at him, I was saying to myself, "Oh yeah? Is this dude serious right now?" I'm not completely sure if I blank stared the phone because I can't imagine a guy saying stuff like this (he's over 30 so he should be at least a little comfortable with certain words) or if it was because it was HIM and with him, you're not sure if he's for real or trying to drop some game. I responded by telling him that I thought he was real cool and nice too and that it was fun chilling out with him. Said man and I still haven't seen each other and I haven't spoken to him on the phone since that day but that's beside the point. It kind of went along with my thoughts of: Do we really belittle a man's feelings and emotions? Do we truly believe that they could never be honest enough with themselves and us long enough to be expressive?

"...I appreciate your concern and support for me
Most important, your honesty and trust, your heart's incredible
This the truth spilling out of my guts
If I, would of took the chance to see
What was place right in front of my face
For sure, nine out of ten times
My actions wouldn't allow me to be so naive..."- "Do Over" by Ghostface and Raheem DeVaughn

Obviously, this is a man who may not have a chance in HELL of getting back with his woman. But the question is: in the general sense, do you believe a man can speak like this or do you laugh right from the jump?

Let's talk.

*Miss BB Note: If this were a Music Snob post, I'd tell you to go pick up this new Ghostface album - men and women will enjoy it!

Saturday, October 10, 2009


I had a talk with a friend the other day and she was talking to me about her new fiance. It was quite the surprise to me because they've been together less than a year and it hasn't been the "honeymoon" it should be during that time. There's been lots of arguing, complaining, cancellations and just so many different things going on. To put it lightly, I was shocked and unfortunately for me this time, I couldn't help but to say "Wow, alright. That's wild because our talks about this dude have not been in line with an upcoming engagement. She agreed but she simply said "I demanded what I wanted." Hmmm, ok.

I had nothing more to say on it except "Well girl, I hope you're happy!" No one wants to hear their skeptical friend continue with their skepticism on their happy moment so I shut up. But in my mind all I kept thinking was, "She gave the man an ultimatum?" Truth be told, I'm nervous for the possibility of this "union." Times haven't been good for many reasons with them and they haven't known each other for that long; add to that an ultimatum, I think this smells like a recipe for a disaster. These things still work in today's world of people not giving a damn about others' feelings, the ratio of women to men being at an alarming rate and just the idea of it being dumb? REALLY?

Personally, I've never been one for ultimatums when it comes to men. I've voiced my opinion on how I feel about situations and maybe they agree and maybe they don't. But I've never said "LOOK, I want this to happen and if it doesn't then xyz." Not my style and I don't believe, if the outcome is in my favor, it will last very long. Understanding that my friend and other women may have a goal for their personal lives, giving the man (or "friend" or whatever) you're with an ultimatum is not the way to go. If he was interested in this notion, would he not have asked? Or at the very least, would he not have at least bought up the conversation with his lady to get her opinion on it? I'm just confused.

In my friend's case, this man is not ready. It's not an opinion - more of an unsaid fact. He is barely her boyfriend (it's been observed through mutual male and friends and we've never got a clear answer on how she can consider him her boyfriend) and it seems like he just wants to make sure he has her AROUND more than him being committed to being WITH her. I'm very nervous for her feelings as well as her inability to see the writing on the wall. But she has to know this isn't good...right? She has to know that by saying "This or THAT" is not going to make him be the one for her....RIGHT??

Ultimatums. Let's discuss.

*Miss BB note: The story of the friend is not complete accurate - there are a few things changed to protect my lil homie.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Touch Me, Tease Me

We've talked about sex on here and last year, we specifically discussed Emergency Sex in a Glass and how we should all have some. But what if you don't?

Men say all the time, "Ladies, you can get it when you want it" and I agree with that. But a friend has bought up the topic of "Involuntary Celibacy." Involuntary Celibacy, in case you didn't catch the clear definition is when a person hasn't CHOSEN to be "out the game" but that is clearly the case. Now yes, someone of the male species may approach her but this man doesn't count because he has nothing to offer (I don't mean financially - I mean he has nothing going on mentally, socially, etc..) thus keeping her in that celibate state of mind. Exes or former jumpoffs may/may not be people she still speaks but sex is not an option for them (we're women and some of us get emotionally attached again when we go back).

So the idea that women can just always GET IT isn't as simple as it seems. My friend wants to know what can a woman do about her involuntary celibate status BESIDES have an unhealthy sex affair with food, watch porn and hate on the chick getting down, and breaking the toys while pleasing herself which, she says, gets boring after awhile. She needs assistance and all my suggestions were all things she'd tried already. LOL!

What say you? What are some other techniques to deal with this? Should she be putting herself out there more with new men?

Let's talk. *see, quick and to the point - I know ya'll don't always LOVE my lengthy posts.*

Saturday, August 29, 2009


So, I have a guilty pleasure. I've been watching, on a daily or every other day basis, Starbury TV. For those who haven't heard, this is an online stream of Stephon Marbury's (he's a basketball player for those who REALLY don't know) daily doings and other stuff. When I first started watching, I thought he was crazy but now, I think he's moreso trying to get a reality show than he is crazy. He's entertaining for me and more importantly, he usually streams from one of his houses (one in LA and one in NY where spends most of his time) which I love to see because I love a beautiful house.

On any given night, he has "Ladies Night." Now, there are already a lot of women in the chat room (he chats with the viewers too) so during Ladies Night, he put on some kind of sexy feeling music, looks "longingly" in the camera, and does something with his lips or tongue or something. He always has his shirt off during this time and will sometimes do one of his many dances. I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling something in my love below (thanks, Lucky!) but I'm usually just laughing. Anyway, the other women for the most part are typing things like "OMG, Steph, don't do this to me" or when he says "how do you feel right now," they're replying with "I'm moist right now." Yes, bring your eyebrow down - I had to do the same thing. Did I mention he's a very married man (he mentions his wife almost daily and wears his ring)?

Is this a form of linestepping? I mean, are these women really overstepping their boundaries, albeit just over the internet, with their e-sexual advances toward this married man? One woman last week said to him that she would "ride the sh*t out of his pole." No, but seriously, she did. As I watch, I'm always wondering if his wife is watching and if she is, how does she feel about what they say to him and more importantly, how she feels about him initiating it all even though he doesn't say anything NEARLY as forward as the women. She knows he does the stream so I'm pretty sure she's seen "Ladies Night" at least once or twice.

How do we feel about sexual internet advances when a person is admittedly married or in a committed relationship? Is it okay because it's "just the internet" and you'll probably never meet the person? Is it still wrong because even though you may not ever meet, what you've said (or did because in the general world, flirting via internet usually results in some type of picture being swapped) is something you likely would never tell your partner about? Where do you draw the line?

Let's talk!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Bad Habit

Before I formally met him, I saw him. Our initial contact was through a letter, then phone conversations, and then we finally met face to face (and when I saw him, I knew it was him before he even introduced himself). That was almost 11 years ago. Our friendship has gone up and down - a Great Adventure roller coaster of epic proportion. The details aren't even necessary at this point and we're on good terms right now. He was my bad habit for a very long time until I finally got over the hump, let the friendship go, give myself time to let it all go, and then come back to the middle again. Years ago, Far Rock (we've discussed him before) was my bad habit. I realized I wasn't his so I got over it.

We all kind of go through it. Maxwell's song (and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong) sounds like he's talking about a current love...or lover. That woman is clearly taking him to another level when they hook up sexually b/c there's no one as bad as her. *wipes sweat from the brow* Anyway, you can read the lyrics for yourself and decipher what he's talking about. It seems to be somewhat of an obsession for him to connect with the woman and to even think about her scent, her hair, or just her body. It happens that way though, doesn't it? Sometimes it takes just that one person for you to be all messed up in the head. Whether it's something in the way they talk, the way they treat you, the sex...whatever. Maybe your habit was someone you're still with or someone you haven't seen in 10 years. Or was it something they did to you? Helped you do things different.

Who/What is/was your Bad Habit? Let's talk.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Mrs. You...or Mrs. Me-You???

In keeping with the spirit of this wedding talk we've been having on here let's keep it going with this: the name change.

A co-worker is getting married in a little over a week and when she came by my department today, I asked if she was going to hyphenate her name or just take on her soon-to-be husband's last name. She said she'll be taking his name and after a longer conversation (which isn't at all relevant to this topic but was hilarious nonetheless), went back to her own work - the conversation, however, continued in my office. Here are the responses:

Miss BB: I'm taking my husband's last name. It's not even a discussion for me. But if for some reason I'm super famous and they only know me by [insert gov't name], I'll keep it in the public eye to cut down on confusion.

Fiesty: I don't know about dropping my last name and I don't want to hyphenate it. I really like my name as is and I'd have a problem just changing it. I guess it would become more important after we have kids.

Dubb (she's already married): I hyphenated my name because if I didn't, they couldn't call me [insert various nicknames that include her maiden name].
She may have only been partially joking but it was funny.

KayKay: Eh, I'd probably change my name in but I'd keep my maiden name in my career world.

Call me old-fashioned and perhaps a bit naive, but I really didn't know women discussed the idea of NOT taking their future husband's last name until a couple of years ago when I was reading a message board. Many of the women were adamant about not taking on their husband's name because they wanted to "keep their identity" and not get lost in his name. Miss BB Note: I frequent 2-3 boards and I'm not talking about either of them. The men who responded questioned why the woman who has agreed to marry him will not agree to taking his last name. Some of those men went as far to say it would be a total deal breaker if the woman didn't agree to. at the very least, hyphenating her name. I guess it's THAT'S serious.

The ladies of my department reached out to our former co-worker, Chief, to get his thoughts and his response is: "It depends if she's career minded or tryin to accomplish something where she's recognized by her name; it's cool, I can accept that. However in general I would like for my wife to take my last name, but it's nothing to fight about." I'm surprised Chief would say it's "nothing to fight about" because he's quite traditional and THIS is probably one of the upper echelon traditional things in relationships. When I told Fiesty about the conversation on the msgboard and how some of the men saw it as a deal breaker if the woman wouldn't consider taking his name at all, she said she could understand why.

I believe it's a personal decision (my girl Lucky has had her own reason for wanting to keep her last name) and that whatever makes you both comfortable is what you should rock with. But at the same time, I'm like "Why not take his name?"

What's say you? Let's discuss!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

So What if I DO??

I grew up with a mother who was a teacher. Because of that, my focus has always been go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. Boys (and eventually, men) will always be there to have fun with. So, and like I've said in a previous post, dating and settling down has never been a number one priority on my list. Even going into my 30th year (just a little over seven months away now), the idea of getting married is not a top priority, although I do hope to be married one day. But what's wrong with wanting that?

I recently posed the question to my crew: Where are you in your life as it pertains to dating and what do you think of women who have the opposite stance (no matter if you're loving the single life or tired of that sh*t and ready to settle down)? In what actually came as no surprise to me, most of the group would entertain the idea of a relationship if the right man piqued their interest enough to leave the single life. There's no settling here for this group of overachieving, highly motivated, attractive group of women so until that man comes along (and there's one who may/may not be close to leaving "the life"), they/we are fine where we are. They have no problems with women who have decided they have reached certain points in their lives where they can proudly say, "I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship that might even one day lead to marriage." And why should they?

There was a time in society where the only thing a woman should be concerned about is finding a husband. So, it's odd to see a woman be afraid, for lack of a better word, to express that she's ready to be in a relationship because people will look at her as though it's wrong. Nowadays, that woman is looked upon as the desperate type who needs to learn how to be more independent. Nevermind that she's well into her career and whether making lots of money or not, she's happy with her progression. Nevermind that she has great friends and has traveled with not only her friends but alone. Nevermind that she's dated and enjoyed the single life and has yet to settle down with a guy just to say, "I have a man." That woman is now desperate because she wants a relationship. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does not make up every "I'm ready to settle down" woman but I'm using the extreme because she does exist.

What is "in" to some people is the woman who is totally happy being single and would never utter the "I want a man" phrase. Forget the face that she tries to put her first name with the last name of every dude she dates. Forget that she's secretly depressed that she is single but would never let the masses see it. Forget the fact that the only reason she goes out so much is because she's tired of going home every night to an empty house. Oh, and lest we forget that she sometimes sleeps with every other dude she goes out with because she DOES want a little noise in her house every now and then. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does NOT make up every happily single woman but I'm using extreme cases because she does exist.

So what's the deal? Where do you stand in your life? And how do you look at the woman who's the exact opposite? Or do you ever even think about the exact opposite?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

The Itch

Walk down any block and you'll see them. Listen in on almost any girl talk session and they'll come up as a hot topic. Think back to how you (or if you're a guy reading, your sister) grew up and you probably had them around all the time. What are they? BABIES. Babies and children are everywhere now and if you're a single Black woman in her mid to late 20s or GOD FORBID, your 30s, most people have asked you at least once, "When you gonna settle down and get married? When you gonna have some KIDS?"

Recently, posted an article about Black Women and Adoption where it shed light on something that is still taboo, albeit a frequent occurrence: Single Motherhood. The women in the article were fairly intelligent, successful in their careers and even dated more often than not. But after having failed relationships and seeing some of their "years" pass them by, they realized they yearned for children. While a couple of these women did not want to have a child out of wedlock, their need/want for children led them to adoption.

According to the article, a 2006 Census Bureau poll showed that 45% of Black women have never been married (compared to 23% of White women). As many of us have been raised to believe we should get an education and then get married, where does that leave the women who opted to find and sustain a career before even THINKING about the idea of a family? And when they are ready to focus on a relationship, they are coming up short. According to Mardie Caldwell (founder of Lifetime Adoption) in the article, "...There's a lack of qualified men to get into relationships with." If you're a woman in her 30s and for you that statement holds true (I don't subscribe to that at all and I'm knocking on 30), what does that mean for you? Do you just keep holding out on hope that you will find the man for you and just wish yourself the best on conceiving your own child?

Further, what IS the effect of the emotional strain some women will put them through, thus leaving them towards adoption? As stated, women are so often told that they're "getting old and hurry up and have a baby," that it becomes ingrained and start a mantra that they must have children. Fear of being infertile is also leading women to adopt. Fear of being alone is causing women to adopt. Fear of being side-eyed by family and friends for not having kids is causing women to adopt.

The article digs into a few more sub-topics that you can read for yourself and think about (i.e. the fact that biracial and light-skinned children are being adopted more than dark-skinned children because some of the women don't want a child that's "too dark") - especially if you're single and would like a family of your own but aren't "on the road yet."

Could adoption be an option for you if you're a single, Black woman who wants children? Men, could or would you date a woman whose children you found out were adopted...and it was by choice (I'm sure we'd be surprised by the answer)?

Let's talk.

Friday, July 3, 2009


"He's BACK."

That's what just about every woman (and yes, even some men b/c they KNOW what this could mean in the late night long run) is saying. Maxwell has finally - officially - graced us again with his voice. I instantly loved his voice from his '96 debut to his last album sighting in '01. Maxwell vanished to get away from the sex symbol "hysteria" Black women surrounded him with but he has returned with BLACKsummers'night (July 7th), the first disc in a 3-part trilogy. You all will still love me after this review...right??

I don't love it. I have honestly tried but BLACK is missing something to me and I will continue to listen to figure out what it is. "Pretty Wings," which we all know is the lead single, is lyrically a beautiful song but it doesn't tug at my heartstrings like most Maxwell songs tend to do to me. The intro song, "Bad Habits," is my personal favorite partly because of the lyrics (again) but primarily because of the band. As a matter of fact, the only part of the cd I DO love is the band - they manage to SHINE throughout every song. Another favorite is "Playing Possum" where it seems [to me] that we get a little glimpse of the man with "the voice." His tone isn't too high or too low; on the contrary, it just...fits. It embodies what the album could have been. Other than that, the other six songs just seem like songs you play at a dinner party and not pay any real attention. It's also important to note that Maxwell has found a very interesting raspiness to his voice that we've never heard.

So, what was the problem? I think Maxwell is in a different place so, at the very least, we're not seeing too many of the ballads we've come to know him for and so we get his version of "funk." But with only 9 songs, it is super important that we aren't questioning "where he's going" with this album. It's okay though - I'm happy he's back. No really, I am...just not loving his Welcome Back party of a cd. I'll patiently wait for 2010 when blackSUMMERS'night is supposedly released.

We're still friends, right??

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Draft

The ballers are in town awaiting to see just how financially "balling" they'll be soon. That's right - the NBA Draft is upon us!

As always, there are plenty of pre-parties for current NBA players, future NBA players, A-Z list celebs, and the list goes on and on. You also have people who are trying to network (like people I know), publicize their business and just make a legitimate name for themselves. And then there's...THEM. THEY are the subject of today's topic.

The GROUPIES. Keep in mind that the men that will be drafted tomorrow age from about 17-22 (if they did four years of college) but the groupies? They probably age from about 17 (some kind of way, the youngins get in) - 40 (nothing else to do). These ladies have decided that somewhere in the room(s) lies their future paycheck and find it most important to get to the parties and scope him (or them) out. Unfortunately, one groupie often believes she's the ONLY ONE and that no one else will have the same game plan. As per a Twitter convo last night (follow Miss BB NOW) between friends, RAYN and Meechie informed us that the same sequin-esque dresses were in full effect. What makes them think they'll be the only ones with the outfits and the hair?? Please advise. The clubs were apparently very crowded with the same "girl" and not many with any sense.

Here's the question: Say you actually pull one of these future "ballin ballers"...then what? He doesn't just want you. Some of them have never even sniffed the scent of a woman (forreal - if they get drafted but never started in college not THAT many girls were giving them play) so why in the world would he be faithful to a girl he knew was sniffing his dollars? These groupies believe that because they may get some of the "Vitamin D" and their girls are hanging on to every detail they are special. And look what happens: We laugh at them on Twitter, talk about them on blogs, and if they REALLY get some shine as a groupie, all their info is run on LSA. People are LAUGHING - including the ball players.

I certainly don't need to know what draws the girls (I refuse to say WOMEN) to the guys; I'm aware of the money, lifestyle, and access that it almost automatically hands you. But I do wonder if any of them care about their reputation, their own self-worth, and the ability for them to be able to one day make their own millions. Does the song and dance get old for them? EVER?

Do we continue to laugh and bask in their ignorance? Do we, if we're "friends" with groupies pull them to the side and try to stop one from continuing to do the same thing? OR, do we give advice on how to stand out in the crowd of groupies so they can have their own "draft of groupies?"

Let's talk.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Family Reunion

I have a sister. *drops the mic*

Ok wait, let's be clear: I've always known that and I know who she is. It's just that in the almost year that I've had the blog, I don't recall ever mentioning that. But yes, she exists. The last time I saw her I was 16 (we're 9 years apart and TODAY, 6.23, happens to be her birthday) and the last time we spoke, I was 21 and my parents were divorcing (we have different moms). Since that conversation in May 2001, I haven't spoken to her again. Think of her from time to time? Yes, but I had no way of reaching out to her so we didn't speak. I asked my dad a couple of times but he said he didn't have a way of contacting her either. The one cousin who she was tight with? Nothing. So here I was with a sister (and a nephew who I also last saw when I was 6) in Virginia but that's it.

I've looked for her on the internet (my dumb self was using MY last name to search for her until my "genius" brother reminded me that she doesn't have our last name) but always came up empty. I looked a couple of months ago but there were so many people with her name in the state of Virginia that I was at a loss. So, I stopped looking. On Sunday, I mentioned her to my friend on Twitter and I said, "Let me look again." This time, I searched using her full name, including her middle initial.

I found a picture. It may have been X amount of years since I'd seen her but I KNOW what my sister looks like. Along with that picture, came some more info and I was able to search her name and her city. EUREKA!! *just HAD to say that* I found a website that had more personal info, including an email address. The only thing that could happen was that the email address would be wrong and I'd either get no response or a "sorry, wrong person" response.

She emailed me RIGHT back! I found my sister in a span of like 5-10 minutes when before, I couldn't find her after looking for hours! We've had email conversation (in which I found out that my father has always had a phone number for her. Yes, you read what I wrote earlier correctly. Hmmph.), she showed me pictures of my nephew who graduated from high school last week, and of course, we're now facebook friends. LOL! She also said that she'll be up here in a couple of months for a few days so we'll likely get to see each other.

Exciting, huh? I think it's pretty cool news. We might reconnect and LOVE each other to death. We can be cool and I might can go visit her sometimes and we hang out. On the flip side, we might not be that cool with each other - be way too different and adult enough to realize that yes we're sisters but no not friends. I'm optimistic but I have no expectations. It is definitely a journey.

You guys ever deal with anything like this? Share.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Inside Out

Dating has not been my forte (there should be an accent over the e but I don't know how to do it on a laptop).

I didn't do it much in college; instead, I took care of the studies, hung out with friends and spent more time partying. I did my share of "mingling" in college but I cannot lay claim to having dated anyone in particular. The closest I ever came to dating someone was Far Rock and let's face it, that was NEVER too much of an option.

Since then (it's been a few years now), I've not done too much of it. There have been a few guys here and there but no one steady at all. Not one of them has really tickled my fancy too much. Part of me thinks it is because I get bored quickly and the other part of me thinks they're just not my speed (in the likes and dislikes department); either way, we end up not speaking anymore.This pretty much happens all the time. I'm not home a lot and keep quite busy but rarely is it because I'm taking a stroll with a gentleman.

I've been looking internally b/c I never date. Lucky says it has more to do with me focusing on school, partying, work, etc. It's never been a big deal to me and it's not that it's a bid deal now - I just want to do it more! With my current state of self-reflection, I've kind of come up empty about why I'm not. I do have some maybes: Maybe I don't smile enough, maybe I don't do the "girly look" enough. Maybe I seem intimidating. Maybe it's all of that. I'm continuing to search and will figure it out. The glow on the inside needs to shine on the outside! Perhaps it'll be one of those things that I'll work on internally so long that dating will actually just start to happen.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When It Hurts So Bad

I think I've composed myself enough to address this.

I [finally] told the FP my feelings for him a couple nights ago. To anyone who doesn't know, this means that I told him I was in love with him. First time I've ever said that to anyone and it was a long time coming. The result? He loves me ("You're amazing. You are TRULY something special and I love having you in my life. You're so important to me." I believe that and don't think they were just words.) but he's not in love with me. Great. The first time I tell a man I'm in love with him (we love each other as friends so we say "I love you" to each other all the time) and have my whole heart completely open to him and he doesn't even feel the same way. I never knew what it meant to be completely crushed about something but I figured it out.

The funny thing is that it's not that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do that crushed me - I can't control his feelings and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. My tears (most of which came pouring out over the phone and probably once an hour yesterday - we talked Tuesday night) and feelings of being crushed came from the fact that he told me he didn't know where my telling him "came from." Now, he knew the feelings of being "in love" were genuine and came from the heart but based on a conversation we had three weeks ago where he told me he KNEW my feelings but it was "cool" if I felt like I was working my way up to saying it, he didn't know if I was saying it just because he thought he left the door open for me. And I quote, "You may have felt like you didn't have anything to lose by telling me." THAT'S where part of my hurt/anger comes from: I could lose my friendship over this and I could also have my heart completely broken. Furthermore, he told me he'd been frustrated with me because I was acting different and some of our talks had been awkward because he could tell I had something more to say but couldn't/wouldn't. Thing is, if he KNEW my feelings but didn't even feel the same way, how could you be frustrated? WHY didn't he stop me a long time ago if he knew?

So we went back and forth on some issues. There were a lot of tears on my end, there were laughs, there was more frustration, and there was even some anger. I think since he doesn't feel the same way (and NO, I don't know why he doesn't - I was too all over the place to ask or even CARE), he probably can't fully understand my feelings and emotions. Today, I asked myself so many questions: Was him holding on to the "I KNOW" but not feeling the same way but seemingly still wanting me to tell him selfish and maybe, egotistical? Why did I let fear get the best of me and not tell him sooner? Why doesn't he see me the way I see him? With me finally verbalizing my feelings, forget what he says he KNEW, can we be friends and neither of us feel like there's an elephant in the room? In terms of the last question, our conversation ended well and with us both saying that the friendship is most important and we want to preserve that. Parts of me are upset with him AND hurt by him but I truly believe that with time, we'll find our way "back to the middle." Some friends don't agree with that and that's okay - my decisions have definitely been questionable in terms of the FP from time to time - because I know what I have to do for myself. I pray that it works out that way but only time will tell and only God knows. I DO know that we will both have to put in a better effort overall for that to happen.

So for now...I hurt. A little less everyday, but there's going to be some hurt until I get over it. I've made strides in all of one day (I didn't cry AT ALL today about it) but I might hit another wall. I'm not crying but I am sad. And I'm scared - scared about a lot of things that I don't want to disclose right now. For this to happen for the first time when I'm 29 and it not to be reciprocated is a tough pill to swallow. That's real.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...(Name that tune and finish the line! We have to have some fun during a sad post, right?)

Friday, May 29, 2009

These Three Words

"It's hard for me to express myself cuz I can't protect myself if I'm exposed." -"Crutches" by Britney Wilson, New York City Team, Brave New Voices (HBO)

I received a call yesterday from a friend of a very good friend of mine - let's call him Grind. We used to work together and now that we don't, we haven't seen each other as often; furthermore, he's been going through some things so we haven't spoken as much either. Anyway, after exchanging pleasantries, Grind went in on his reason for the call. He wanted to tell me how much he loved me and cared for me. How it's been so great having a person like me in his life who has always had his back and has been like an older sister to him (we're the same age but you know women mature faster in most cases) and he completely appreciates it. Grind took it a step further with, "I just wanted to tell you that because you never know when something might happen and if it should, whatever God you believe in, we need to make sure we save a seat on the other side of Him." Okay, I was starting to freak out a little bit. Grind has always been one that's a tap emotional (but still manly) but it this phone call was going a bit too far. After he was done (and it was much longer than I've shared here), I told him that I loved him too. Before ending the call, Grind told me that he just thinks people don't share how they feel with the people they care the most about enough and you never know when that person won't be there anymore.

After hanging up and calming myself down from the notion that either someone was about to do something to Grind or he was going to hurt himself (I've got my good eye on it, no doubt), I really started to think about what he said. He's so right that people don't often share their feelings with the ones they love the most as it pertains to their relationship. Unfortunately, we see it all too often at funerals and other sad occasions where people are heard saying "Ohhh I loved him/her so much. They were so good to me" and so on and so forth. Why is it that we think it isn't important to tell the people we love how much we love them while they're with us?

Is it because as we get older, we become less attached to our emotions because we're more concerned about the bigger fish we have to fry? Were any of us taught that showing emotion is "weak" and unnecessary? OR, is it because we're scared that by showing our emotion the person(s) will eventually use it against us? Do we think too hard about what people will do with our information or how they will respond to it? Are we justified in not being able to say "these three words" or a variation of them (FTR, the three words are "I love you").


*Drenna Note* This discussion hits close to me and I'll discuss as ya'll discuss in the comments.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I Choose You

Soooo, I'm at the Drake Drizzy show chillin, getting my "SoFarGone" mixtape on. I'm jammin!

*feels a tap on the shoulder a couple of times*

Man: 'Scuse me, Miss. My girl like your ass.

*blank stare*

Me: Uhhhhhh, thanks.

I turn back around to continue to "enjoy" the show (ya'll know I said it was mediocre but ANYTHING was better than what was being told to me). Of course, at this point I feel like there are sets of eyes of on my behind. I know people look but they usually do so in passing - not just right there GAWKING.

*feels a tap on the shoulder again*

I tried to ignore it this time but I felt it again. I turn around and this time it's the young lady, who'd clearly had her share of libations, dancing with her man and motioning me to come grind with them (a la Spectacular from Pretty Ricky. Haven't seen the video? I'll post it at the end). I tell her, "No thanks, I'm good." She's giving me what SHE assumes is the sexual come hither look and says, "You sure? You really sure you good? Werd." In all politeness I can muster, I simply respond, "Yes thank you. I'm GOOD."

So, they leave me alone and "allow me" to watch a little more of the show before he interrupts me again while I'm speaking to a co-worker. And so it goes:

Me: I was speaking to someone, Sir.

Him: My bad...didn't mean to interrupt. My girl is real attracted to you. For real. WE want to know what's up. What's good?

Me: NO. THANK. YOU. I am not interested. NO.

Him: I'm saying though - we wanna know what's up. You just not down or you not attracted to her? I mean, that's a different story if you're not attracted to her.


We're done with this conversation. Well, EYE am done with this. I had no idea that couples who were down with 3somes were just so open like that. They were NOT discreet and quite loud about it. I've been hit on by women before and I'm just NOT interested. I'm never offended and call me vain but since they've ALL always been cahute, I'm quite flattered. *pops a collar* While this couple would've never gotten a whiff of my goodness, they weren't even much attractive to my eye. So YEAH...NO.

The show was about to be over when Miss Girl decided she was going to try one mo' gin. Mmmhmm, I saw her in my peripheral but luckily her man stopped her before she tapped my shoulder (which would have subsequently ended in a SERIOUS miscommunication) and told her, "Nah, she's not interested. She's not down."

Night OVER.

Ya'll have any "almost chose" stories? Hell, have you engaged? SHARE! Remember, you can do it anonymously.

Here's the video of Sassy Spectacular, just pretend it's a girl with all the grinding (though he's dancing like a woman anyway - hope you can see it):

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Music Snob: DRAKE

Ohhhhhhhh, Drizzy.

Let me start off by saying that Drake is currently THE MOST talked about, hyped up mainstream rapper we have out right now. No question. He's being considered the most popular rapper without a record deal. If you don't know, Drake is closely associated with Lil Wayne and Young Money Records (rumor has it that he's signed to them) and has been called Weezy's ghostwriter. The self-proclaimed "Lebron James of this game" appears to be ready to take over the industry. While he's NOT the greatest rapper of the decade (and lowkey, he isn't even the greatest rapper of THIS YEAR), he most certainly IS good enough for right now. The music industry needs a change and he brings a semi-fresh approach (sans his constant usage of the words "bitch" and "hoe" to refer to women and his sudden southern accent that I guess he picked up from Wayne and Crew). I DO keep his "SoFarGone" mixtape on repeat on the Zune.

Back to the point.

I was able to check him out last night at SOB's (thanks, Nadler!!) at the Hot97 "Who's Next" live series and was looking forward to a decent show. I've watched the Youtube videos of his live performances and have been quite underwhelmed by his insistence of the crowd singing all his songs rather than him - the one they paid to see. But this is...NEW YORK. He's never performed here and just to keep it funky, you've GOT to come hard with it here (I do believe you should put your all in to every show). So, Drizzy finally comes on the stage. I get his gimmick: he's a cute guy (if you like his type - he doesn't float my boat), he smiles a lot, and he's ALL ABOUT THE LADIES. In his JcPenney-esque outfit, he was all about gunning for the ladies when he stepped up. The girls knew every word that came out of his mouth. They screamed excessively when he said that he "didn't want a hoe but a real GOOD New York city woman." His dj went into some sexual r&b set as the show moved on. Yes, panties were two seconds from being thrown on the stage.

Bun B hit the stage to do "Uptown" with him and really, Drake could've left the stage and let Bun do his thing. As soon he got on the stage, you could feel the "spirit" of UGK about to take over! That was MY highlight. Drizzy did pieces of some other songs and only did "Best I Ever Had" and "Unstoppable" in their entirety. He did NOT do more of the popular songs on the mixtape, including "HoustAtlantaVegas." How WACK!! The show was mediocre, at best, to me. For someone who does a show damn near every other week, you would think that he would work on his stage presence. NOT. He kind of looked like a fish out of water and were it not for all the girls knowing the lyrics, he would have been a lost soul.

We've got work to do, Aubrey Graham (that's Drake - it's his middle name). Let's get that management together and get some MORE artist development going on. I SWEAR it'll help. You want to stick around? Got to put a little more effort into it, homeboy. Get BUSY and take it to another level.

Some of us with a little more common sense about this rap game don't have patience for mediocre people who COULD be better.

I'm watching!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tracking & Confirming

A package was sent to me by a friend who makes THE ILLEST and DOPEST soaps, candles, scrubs, and lotions EVER a week ago. I was sooo souped because I was a couple of days from my Atlanta trip and knew I was going to be smelling extra good while down there (you go see a man you're digging, you want to do a lil something "extra"). So, I go to the Post Office and after waiting about seven minutes or so, Spook (the guy at the window) comes back to tell me they can't find the package. I'm sorry, what? I give Spook my phone number as asked and he told me someone would notify me as soon as it was found. I get to work (late now after waiting for no reason) and immediately receive a voicemail from a cell phone number; it was Spook saying they'd found my package and to come get it. I was a little confused about why he called from a cell phone number but figured that it might have been the closest phone to him at the time.

Will someone PLEASE tell me why this same man called me the NEXT AFTERNOON (I, of course, didn't recognize the number but I still answered the phone)?! After Spook identified himself, he said, "I'm calling to ask you out on a date." I was in SHOCK. COMPLETELY. We had about a one minute convo where I told him that wasn't possible b/c I have a boyfriend (yes, a LIE but I always feel the need to give a reason when I'm COMPLETELY unattracted to the man) and he, in turn, told me that is NOT what he wanted to here but I have a fan at the post office. Oh. Okay then.

A co-worker of mine told me, after I'd re-enacted what had just occurred, that had he been more "my type," that I wouldn't have had a problem with that call. Oh, and that I never know where I'll meet my husband. FAIL. Even if he had been my "type," which changes all the time (I just like what I like in the moment), I would have been completely spooked out (hence, his nickname) because of his abuse of power in terms of using my number. If Spook needed to speak to me so bad and couldn't do it upon my return to the post office, he should have slipped a little note with my package. You do not call a number that you should no longer have (which was written on the paper that had a copy of my package slip which had my address on it) just to try to find you a date. Helllooooo?? Stalker tendencies anyone?! No, he was not attractive to me and in fact, after seeing him for so many years at the PO I thought he was gay, but that wasn't even the point. You don't wild out like that! I decided not to call a manager about that "situation" but had he called again, I most definitely would have taken action. PLEASE BELIEVE IT.

There are a million ways to meet someone, people. THIS is a clear example of what NOT to do.

BTW, never know where I'll meet my husband? I definitely don't think I'm there yet. Woo sah!!

Monday, May 18, 2009


I've been away. I actually went to Atlanta over the weekend to see the FP (I saw a friend of mine there but the purpose of the trip was to see the FP)! Surprised? Or have I already mentioned it? Either way, I went and had a nice time in Atlanta. More and more I like that place; I have o thoughts/plans on moving there, but I like it. If I ever HAD to go somewhere else, I think that would be it.

Anyway, the FP and I had a little talk. The details of it all are unnecessary but it was a very important convo, kind of about where we stand. I got some answers - not any that shocked me or made me grin from ear to ear or make me turn my nose up - to some questions that I asked. When it comes to us, I don't know that I have full answers on what I want it to be. Things have happened that I haven't been pleased with and he hasn't been pleased with but yet, we continue on.

So, I was talking to The Cheerleader a little while ago and she said, "You don't see yourselves the way others see you." Hmmm. But I am a confident person - we both acknowledge that. She (and others) think I'm dope. EYE think I'm dope. She (and others) think I'm super smart and super funny. EYE think I'm super smart and super funny. She (and others) think I'm pretty or cute or some variation of that. Eye think I'm pretty or cute or some variation of that. She (and others) think I have a bangin' body. Hmm, well depending on what day (and how I'm feeling about my weight that day, lol) it is, EYE think I have a bangin' body. Basically everything The Cheerleader thinks about me I think I think about of myself. But I think maybe he point is that I don't BELIEVE the things I think it because if I DID see how dope I was, I wouldn't allow myself to be such an emotional wreck.

I would allow myself to figure out what I really want from the FP and maybe with or without his input (people give you signs all the time, you just have to decide if you'll take them or not) and tell him the way it's going to have to be if I saw the things that she and others see in me.

That if I saw myself the way others see me this would have been over a few months ago.

Or, if I saw myself the way others see me I would put me and all I got on the line and tell him whatever thoughts I have...and it might end up working out positively.

That if I saw myself the way others see me, I would see things a lot more clearly.

Why am I so confused.

Drenna Note* This is absolutely NOT some type of attack on the FP - I'd never do that on here. Though he's half the subject, this post almost isn't even about him. Perhaps him being involved is just a catalyst.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Passin' Me By.

A week ago we had a "Farewell and thanks for all you've done" sendoff for one of our co-workers who'd been at the company for about 20 years. Chief, who left a couple of months ago, was the host for the sendoff for his former boss. As always with him (and the ladies), the topic turned to relationships.

We got into a discussion on how hard it is sometimes for men to talk to women for many different reasons. While I was off in a sub-topic about another "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" conversation, the primary topic was still going on - this time talking about HOW men and women meet. I don't know how it got started but when I tuned in, Tamale was saying that she would never talk to a guy she met on the street. It kind of took everyone by surprise that she said that because we were all wondering (seemingly), "Well how do you meet the men you meet?" Tamale said she preferred to meet men in a lounge (not a club) because it's "easier to talk to a guy there. What are we going to talk about if we meet on the street?" So, the next obvious question was, "Why don't you talk to guys on the street?" Her answer: Those men, in her eyes, are desperate.

Yes, I know...WOW. But we needed to discuss this further because I've never heard that reasoning. Tamale said that there's not a real discussion that you could start with someone you see on the street. Further, "why are those men just standing around waiting to talk to a woman? They're probably trying to talk to every woman that passes by." After we explained to her that we're not talking about homeboy on the corner doing nothing with his life but rather, a guy you might see while you're both walking, she still said "No thank you." For Tamale, it's totally weird to talk to a guy she sees in passing and a guy she meets at a lounge will do. I asked her how she would feel if the guy who was trying to approach her in the street ended up being a guy who was also in the lounge, she shrugged and said, "Oh well. And it would be okay if he didn't want to talk to me anymore either." In ending the conversation, she said that when she's walking she just doesn't want to be bothered - just leave her alone and let her get to her destination. Finally, she added that maybe she grew up in somewhere like Brooklyn, her attitude about it would be different.

Is this an opinion shared by others? Ladies, would you not talk to a man you saw on the street (remember, he's not homeboy standing on the corner)? If so, why not? Gentlemen, would an opinion like this turn you off and have you giving the screw face?


Monday, April 27, 2009

Can You Keep a Secret??

About a month and a half ago, I started thinking about trust in terms of the people in my circle. So often, we hear people say how they trust this person and that person - just all willy nilly with it - but I wondered if that was really true. So I decided to do a poll to see where people really stand on it.

Most people were a little speechless at first and could only say, "That's a good ass question. Let me think." After thinking, seven out of 10 people told me they trust three people. Yes, THREE. Here's the thing: I asked them who they could trust with their LIFE. You know how people always say , "I trust XYZ with my life" and be dead serious about? Well, if you really had to, would you really trust all those people you used that phrase on? Some of the people didn't name their very significant other or their parents (those are the ones you would think would generally be on the list, right?) but rather their closest friends. On the lighter end of that same phrase, it simply meant, "How many people do you trust with your innermost secrets?" It was real interesting to see the brain wheels moving and getting REAL answers.

The FP said (and ya'll know he likes to go "deep), "There are quite a few I trust in my circle but I trust them to different levels. There are some I would tell one thing to and not another and - there are just different levels of trust for me. Some people who trust me with their lives and there secrets I wouldn't dare tell my business to" As long winded as it was (okay, not really) , I got the point and actually had two other people who shared a similar opinion.

I, too, came up with three people. I don't think they'd ever let something happen to me and if it did, I could only believe in my "next life" that they did all the could to help. I don't think that by having a certain two, three, five, or 10 people that you choose to fully trust mind, body and soul means you don't like, love or trust in SOME CAPACITY your other friends. I know it's hard to trust people nowadays because people do disappoint you sometimes. But try not to be completely jaded (Lucky uses that word sometimes - I TRY not to); it's just beautiful to have at least one person that you trust with everything.


Who so you TRUST? Are you for sure?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Get It? Got It? GOOD.

"Now what do you keep calling here for? It's OVER! It's OVER!!"

So, I'm walking home and "It's Over" by John Legend comes on. This is, by far, one of my favorite songs on the album because John is jammin on it and I love the beat. For some reason, I start to get angry at the lyrics (which, like all other songs I like, I've already processed a million time) for the first time. I begin to wonder, "Why should this man have to make a damn song about you to realize that the relationship is over?" In fact, why should anyone have to continuously tell a person that a relationship is over? What about "goodbye forever" does a person not understand.

I actually have experience on this one too! When I had that boyfriend of mine eons ago, he did not understand what I meant when I said, "We cannot be together anymore." There was a lot of, "But shorty, I just don't get it" and "You sure there's nothing I can do? I think we should be together" in his return speech. At one point, I was ready to laugh at him because I didn't understand why HE didn't understand what was going on and was going on with these shenanigans. As I was listening to the song, I even thought about that moment and was like, "Damn, so this is the norm?"

But what is it about the breakup that makes a person not believe it's a breakup and has them keep calling the person who broke up with them? Is it because you love the person so much that you can't believe it's come to an end? Is it because you just don't WANT it to end? OR, could it be that you knew the end was near but wanted to be the one breaking up with them? I wonder when the person begins to realize they're looking like the fool for continuing to call and try to see the person who dumped them. How long does this foolishness go on? I mean, the person has told you to keep all the things they ever gave you just to be done with you and you keep on going!! Tom foolery!

All the guys I've dated have tried to continue contacting me with the exception of one or maybe two and at some point, I became fed up and said mean things. Oh well and oh well!

Okay, so those of you who've been there (and I know most men and women have...DISCUSS.

*Drenna Note* Yes, I know I haven't been around much. I've been busy and tired but I'm back!

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Real Man Laws??

I was on Facebook this morning and I saw the weirdest Facebook status:

"...1st rule of being a real man u don't use an umbrella. U put a hoodie or a hat on and thug it out..."

Okay, so I know that the Man Laws exist and I never try to infiltrate them umbrella?? This law makes no sense to me. If you're in your suit or just dressed nice, whether it be in a shirt and tie or some jeans and sneakers, why in the world would you mess it all up by walking down the block with no umbrella. What part of the Man Law is that? Why does this make you more of a "Real Man?" I'm not saying you have to rock out with a Dora the Explorer umbrella, but would it really kill you to put up an umbrella if you're walking to your destination that is a few blocks from the train station?

Here's another "rule" courtesy of my FB friend:

"...and if its cold in the winter time u are not allowed to wear gloves, put them in your pockets..."

I mean, what in the world?! I really need to know why wearing gloves in the freezing cold makes you less of a man or a "fake man" as opposed to being a "real man."

Okay seriously, I know that these may sound funny but as I think about it, I don't know that many men who actually use an umbrella or men who wear open toe sandals (that is, btw, rule #3 and I happen to agree with it - I just don't think it makes you less of a man if you wear them). I wonder if they don't do it "just because" or if it's because they think they will be less of a man if they do wear gloves, sandals or use an umbrella. As a woman, I thought that the "Real Man Laws" were something that were a bit deeper than that and that they included things of a sexual nature more than a material nature (outside of the open toe sandals thing).

Do most men feel this way? And who can we credit for the start of these rules? Entertainers, rappers, or everyday men? Is there an age when some of "the rules" no longer apply? Seriously, I'd like to know.

Let's discuss. Of, feel free to add on to the "Real Man Laws" as you respond.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Seven Year Itch

A couple of friends and I took on First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum last night and while I see how much fun it could be, we clearly got there late so we couldn't enjoy it as much as we could have. We'll be back though! Alas, that is not the topic today.

Along with my two friends and I was a guy who went to college with them. As soon as I saw him, he reminded me of someone who is considered "weird," so I unfortunately was giving him "the look" from the jump. Let me say, he gave me good reason to do so not two blocks away from my house in the car. In sticking with the topic, I won't even go into that topic but I was giving him SERIOUS side eye. Anyway, after we finally got back to my friends' apartment, the conversation (as it often does) went into relationship talk. After he told us that he felt that if two people have a child or children, they need to stay together - NO MATTER the circumstances - he told us that people "wild out" because it's so easily accepted in society. People aren't honest with themselves in relationships...

That is why he has to be in a relationship for SEVEN YEARS before he thinks about marrying a woman. I was appalled for lack of a better, stronger word. I asked him what purpose that serves and he explained to us that it is because after seven years, he knows that no stone will be unturned and he will know all secrets there are to know about her. I explained to him that some people take "secrets" to the grave and in that instance, he would never know. This young man told me that it would not happen to him because of his "sixth sense" about these things. I told him that it sounded quite silly and almost disrespectful that he would put this type of time frame on a woman just so she could prove herself "worthy" of a ring. After him saying that I was crazy for thinking that is a long time to be in a relationship (I do think it's a long time for a bf/gf relationship but not a marriage), we both agreed that I would NEVER be the woman for him.

Seven years?? REALLY? This got me to thinking about how many other people feel that you have to be in a relationship forever before you decide to consider marriage (for the people who want to get married anyway). At this stage in my life, I feel that two to three years is long enough for us to be in a relationship to where we start discussing possibly going to the next level. That might not be right either but SEVEN YEARS ? That just seems wrong to me.

I'm going to start polling people, especially men, to get their opinions. But what do you guys think: Do you have to be with someone for years and years before you will consider marrying them?

Speak on it!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Live YOUR Life

An old college friend sent me a text out of the blue two weeks ago. I haven't spoken to her in years and so I was surprised to hear from her but I've been missing her like crazy so I was super excited. Turns out, she was mad at me because I turned down the offer to be in her wedding. Not true but that's neither here nor there.

During our text convo, she asked me who my "new boy" was (read: "who is your new man?"). I told her that I was single and just hanging out here and there. She replies and I quote, "That is a damn shame. You're getting too old." EXCUSE ME?? *picture the ILL neck roll right here* My defenses immediately go up and I say, "That is NOT a damn shame and there ain't shit wrong with being single." I was completely offended by that rude comment because (1) who just SAYS that and (2) what makes her the authority?? I should point out that she is 28, married and has two children so I guess that's what makes her think she is the authority.

I was pissed because I enjoy my life as it is (hell, I DO admit to needing to date more) and don't appreciate someone judging it because it doesn't follow where they are in their life. As much love as I have for her, we haven't spoken in about three or four years so she doesn't know what's going on with me; in fact, I questioned the real purpose of this surprise text. The truth is, after she said that, I didn't have any real interest in continuing the conversation for the evening.

Unfortunately, she isn't the only one who feels that if you're 30 (or close to it like me and most of my friends) and single AND childless, your life is basically not worth living. Kick the bucket. Roll over and DIE. I've had countless friends, associates and friends of friends who have live by this rule - they either own up to subscribing to this thought or they think it subconsciously. Sometimes, I wonder if that's why some of them are married and/or have they won't fall into that group of people they feel so bad for. Are they TRULY happy in their situation or are they learning how to be happy in their situation because they think they're supposed to be living that life?

Far be it for me to judge them...and damn sure far be it for them to judge me. Kick rocks then!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

The CHICKEN...or the PRINCE???

circa '99 or '00...probably '00.

My family bought our first computer in 1997. I was so excited because being a night owl, I knew I'd be up surfing the internet and just playing around on the computer. The first chatroom I ever joined was through ESPN because of my love for sports. Every night, I'd join in on the conversation for at least three hours (yes I had school in the morning and YES, my parents hated me staying up so late but I was always in school on time) with what was mainly a bunch of guys. It was never weird because they really only talked about sports and school (some of them were in high school and others were in college).

I met ChknPrnce in that chatroom. He was a really cool guy from Jersey and we instantly became e-friends. He was at least 10 years older than me but it didn't matter because we were just buddies. When I went off to college and we couldn't IM each other on the regular, he'd email me, I'd email him, and we kept up with each other's lives. We never saw pictures of each other but I described myself to him (the same as the pic you see in the profile but with permed hair) and described himself to me (Bahamian, 6'2" or 6'3", 210 lbs, brown skin, low hair cute, women said he was an average looking guy). He would tell me about work problems (too much work and not enough time to do it but well paid) and women problems (he had one friend in particular that he really liked and she liked him but they could never get on the same page) and in turn, I'd really just talk about college life in Mississippi.

After about three years, during an afternoon online convo (we'd spoken on the phone plenty of times by them, moreso when I was home) during summer vacation, I suggested we meet since he was coming into the city. I figured it was time that I meet my homie that I'd been talking to for years. He agreed and said he'd come by my house to pick me up and we could just hang out for a couple hours. I told him to park closer to the end of the block (so he wouldn't know which building I was coming from - I'm not crazy) and I'd meet him at his car. Once I got outside, I only saw one white, Ford Taurus (he told me he was in a white car) double parked and thought, "Hmmm, that's odd. It looks VERY old...I thought he was well-paid at his job." Some may call me bougie but I BEG OF YOU to believe that this was a red flag.

You do remember my physical description of ChknPrnce, don't you? Well, as I walked to the car, it was immediately clear to me that I'd been BAMBOOZLED. Walking toward the passenger door, I noticed old food cartoons and papers all in the back seat. DEAR GOD, I wonder can you SAVE ME?? As I open the car door, I pray for the best and brace for the worst. SHOCK, AWE, and MORTIFICATION get the best of me. This muthaeffa is all of 5'8", about 3oo lbs, and in need of a haircut. To top it all off, he has on a white t-shirt that is stained (who knows how long they'd been on the shirt or how long he'd had it ON). Oh GLORY!!

So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I told him that I came to tell him that something came up and I couldn't go anymore. So we drove around the block and he dropped me off at the corner of the block. I walked in the store and watched him drive off before I proceeded to go back in my building. Immediately, I got back on the internet and full of rage, I sent him an email. I told him that I couldn't believe that I'd been cool with someone for three years and he'd been lying for the entire time. I told him the reason that he couldn't get his love life together was not because they just weren't ready to be together but probably because he was lying about everything he was! I told him to never ever contact me again. After hitting "send," I blocked all his screennames. As far as I know, he never tried to reach out to me again.

That's my story of ChknPrnce...and no, it NEVER made me question my love for the internet or meeting people (maybe great friends now) from the internet.

Done...and DONE!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

I'm an honest person - almost to the core. If you want the truth about something, ask me and I'll tell you. But I know how to give it straight no chaser to a person who can handle it and I know how to give it straight but soft to a person who is a bit more sensitive to people's honesty. That's one of the traits people love most about me. However, the worst personality trait I have is my inability to discuss my feelings about things - good or bad.

I think what most would say, if they knew this about me, that I'm passive aggressive. It's weird because I find myself to be most like this with people I'm closest to. If it's a not so good thing that's bothering me, I try to just get over it because I don't want to have an argument or be in a situation where I'm not speaking to a person I love for a period of time. So, I either avoid it altogether until I'm over it or I say how upset or bothered I am about the issue in the lightest tone possible where the person might not know how upset I am. For example, as of yesterday, I'm unhappy with the FP. Bigger than unhappy, I'm disappointed in him. Our relationship is simple and I don't think I ask for much so when something so simple goes overlooked, it really bothers me. I spoke to him briefly not too long ago and I mentioned how disappointed I was in him. He responded but I don't think he fully got how upset I was. That's my fault though because I don't know how to openly communicate my feelings about things that bother me. I talk around things and hope you get my drift. I swear I wanted him to "get it" but I didn't know how to get it all out at once so I kept going back to it and he kind of got "huffy" about it when I mentioned it the third time. So what did I do? Let it go, of course, and start talking about something else.

But how does that help ANYTHING if I'm still upset? Why am I still upset if the person that upset me isn't upset too? How does it help me grow if I can't express myself. How does my relationship grow with the person if I can't do it? What does it say about me and my relationships with some of these people (in this case The FP) if I'm scared that an argument or disagreement will result in the demise of our relationship? It's like they're - hell, HE'S - not getting the full "me" if I'm holding in my thoughts.

I can't keep doing this and being semi-scared to speak up but I don't know where to start to change it. What do I do? How do I begin?

I'm mad at ME. *Miss BB note* There's no need to tell me not to be so hard on myself. It is THIS serious to me that I have to be in order to learn how to change it

Monday, March 9, 2009

Open Heart and Mind

I've never been in a relationship. I take that back - I've never been in a SERIOUS relationship. I had a "summer love" with this guy back in '99 that was silly from the jump but every other girl had a boyfriend so I wanted one too. He was nice enough but when I say he was WEAK - definitely not the guy for me. I enjoy the single life: the idea of meeting men here and there that I MIGHT be semi-interested in without having to just let it go because I'm with someone. I like the idea of going out with my friends and not having to see if this is a good night to go or if I should stay in (or go out) with him instead.

But I'm an honest person too and the truth is that lately I've been thinking about what it would be like to be in a real, very serious relationship. The idea of all of this has been almost too much and I can barely type the words out, let alone verbally speak them to anyone. I've had this feeling of, "Okay, you're ready for that if it comes along. It might take some time to happen because there's no man in the picture nut you're ready. You can handle that." *sidenote: We know how I feel about the FP and that he would be my ideal choice but I would never want to throw all my eggs in one basket when it may not happen or put that kind of pressure on either of us.* It is very odd for me to have these thoughts because I rarely ever have these thoughts. Almost never. My thought process always goes, "I got way more important things to do than think about a relationship." Actually, that still holds true; I have so much work to do on my professional side that it takes over some of my thoughts about my personal life. But now, the idea that they can co-exist has started to surface.

Trying to think back where this started, I feel like it was when I had a bad day at work and didn't have anybody (of the male persuasion) to talk to about it when I got home (to either be there or for me to go to their house - no cohabitation for me). A light bulb went off where I was like, "Damn, that would be real cool!" Of course, the person I can always talk to about things that bother me (and see, I know this may spark some of you to have a specific opinion on this)the FP, was more than available to listen to me and let me vent. Lucky says this is the natural progression of life. Maybe she's right. I'm not thinking anything further than a relationship at this point; I'm definitely not ready for the level ABOVE that one yet.

I was thinking of posting India Arie's "Ready for Love" for but that's a bit deeper than what I actually feel. So we'll just go music-less on this one.

Yeah, I'm ready...and it will happen in due time.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Where Do We Go From Here

How do long distance relationships work for some people? I'm really curious. Some friends and I have been talking about LDR because some feel that the men just aren't in NYC anymore. I think that a big trend lately is that people are dating folks from their city and other cities to broaden their dating pool. Let's face it: A lot of single women in their late 20s and older are trying to make this marriage thang happen and are doing what it takes to get out there.

So let's say you live in Miami, went on a vacay to New Orleans, and met a dude from Chicago. Ya'll were able to go out twice while in NO and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company - so much so that you continue to converse after you're back in your respective locations. Things are going great: you see each other maybe once a month, talk all the time, hell you might even take it old school and send a letter in the mail once in a while. It's been a year (hell, maybe longer) and things are going good because you both agree that communication is the key; it isn't easy but you've managed to work it out. Point blank: This joint has gotten SERIOUS.

Here comes the hard part: The LDR can't last forever. As good as it has been going, you both know that you want to be in the same city together (we're not even talking about living together right now) and both agree that a change is going to have to come. But your career is solid in Miami and so is his in Chicago. I mean, REALLY solid. But someone has to move. Like, the needs need to be set in motion ASAP.

Who makes the decision that you or him will be the one to make the move? Is it based on the popularity of the career field in the other's city? Is it based on whether one loves or hates the hot or cold weather? Do you both look for jobs in the other's city and whoever hits the jackpot first is the one who moves? Hmmmmm, or is it just as simple as one saying, "Look somebody gotta move so I'm going to do it." I'm curious because I often hear that the woman is the one who moves to be with the man of her choice..and it's usually based on love. But I mean, maybe it goes both ways.

I'm just asking - something for discussion. Food for thought? Maybe???