Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Draft

The ballers are in town awaiting to see just how financially "balling" they'll be soon. That's right - the NBA Draft is upon us!

As always, there are plenty of pre-parties for current NBA players, future NBA players, A-Z list celebs, and the list goes on and on. You also have people who are trying to network (like people I know), publicize their business and just make a legitimate name for themselves. And then there's...THEM. THEY are the subject of today's topic.

The GROUPIES. Keep in mind that the men that will be drafted tomorrow age from about 17-22 (if they did four years of college) but the groupies? They probably age from about 17 (some kind of way, the youngins get in) - 40 (nothing else to do). These ladies have decided that somewhere in the room(s) lies their future paycheck and find it most important to get to the parties and scope him (or them) out. Unfortunately, one groupie often believes she's the ONLY ONE and that no one else will have the same game plan. As per a Twitter convo last night (follow Miss BB NOW) between friends, RAYN and Meechie informed us that the same sequin-esque dresses were in full effect. What makes them think they'll be the only ones with the outfits and the hair?? Please advise. The clubs were apparently very crowded with the same "girl" and not many with any sense.

Here's the question: Say you actually pull one of these future "ballin ballers"...then what? He doesn't just want you. Some of them have never even sniffed the scent of a woman (forreal - if they get drafted but never started in college not THAT many girls were giving them play) so why in the world would he be faithful to a girl he knew was sniffing his dollars? These groupies believe that because they may get some of the "Vitamin D" and their girls are hanging on to every detail they are special. And look what happens: We laugh at them on Twitter, talk about them on blogs, and if they REALLY get some shine as a groupie, all their info is run on LSA. People are LAUGHING - including the ball players.

I certainly don't need to know what draws the girls (I refuse to say WOMEN) to the guys; I'm aware of the money, lifestyle, and access that it almost automatically hands you. But I do wonder if any of them care about their reputation, their own self-worth, and the ability for them to be able to one day make their own millions. Does the song and dance get old for them? EVER?

Do we continue to laugh and bask in their ignorance? Do we, if we're "friends" with groupies pull them to the side and try to stop one from continuing to do the same thing? OR, do we give advice on how to stand out in the crowd of groupies so they can have their own "draft of groupies?"

Let's talk.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Family Reunion

I have a sister. *drops the mic*

Ok wait, let's be clear: I've always known that and I know who she is. It's just that in the almost year that I've had the blog, I don't recall ever mentioning that. But yes, she exists. The last time I saw her I was 16 (we're 9 years apart and TODAY, 6.23, happens to be her birthday) and the last time we spoke, I was 21 and my parents were divorcing (we have different moms). Since that conversation in May 2001, I haven't spoken to her again. Think of her from time to time? Yes, but I had no way of reaching out to her so we didn't speak. I asked my dad a couple of times but he said he didn't have a way of contacting her either. The one cousin who she was tight with? Nothing. So here I was with a sister (and a nephew who I also last saw when I was 6) in Virginia but that's it.

I've looked for her on the internet (my dumb self was using MY last name to search for her until my "genius" brother reminded me that she doesn't have our last name) but always came up empty. I looked a couple of months ago but there were so many people with her name in the state of Virginia that I was at a loss. So, I stopped looking. On Sunday, I mentioned her to my friend on Twitter and I said, "Let me look again." This time, I searched using her full name, including her middle initial.

I found a picture. It may have been X amount of years since I'd seen her but I KNOW what my sister looks like. Along with that picture, came some more info and I was able to search her name and her city. EUREKA!! *just HAD to say that* I found a website that had more personal info, including an email address. The only thing that could happen was that the email address would be wrong and I'd either get no response or a "sorry, wrong person" response.

She emailed me RIGHT back! I found my sister in a span of like 5-10 minutes when before, I couldn't find her after looking for hours! We've had email conversation (in which I found out that my father has always had a phone number for her. Yes, you read what I wrote earlier correctly. Hmmph.), she showed me pictures of my nephew who graduated from high school last week, and of course, we're now facebook friends. LOL! She also said that she'll be up here in a couple of months for a few days so we'll likely get to see each other.

Exciting, huh? I think it's pretty cool news. We might reconnect and LOVE each other to death. We can be cool and I might can go visit her sometimes and we hang out. On the flip side, we might not be that cool with each other - be way too different and adult enough to realize that yes we're sisters but no not friends. I'm optimistic but I have no expectations. It is definitely a journey.

You guys ever deal with anything like this? Share.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Inside Out

Dating has not been my forte (there should be an accent over the e but I don't know how to do it on a laptop).

I didn't do it much in college; instead, I took care of the studies, hung out with friends and spent more time partying. I did my share of "mingling" in college but I cannot lay claim to having dated anyone in particular. The closest I ever came to dating someone was Far Rock and let's face it, that was NEVER too much of an option.

Since then (it's been a few years now), I've not done too much of it. There have been a few guys here and there but no one steady at all. Not one of them has really tickled my fancy too much. Part of me thinks it is because I get bored quickly and the other part of me thinks they're just not my speed (in the likes and dislikes department); either way, we end up not speaking anymore.This pretty much happens all the time. I'm not home a lot and keep quite busy but rarely is it because I'm taking a stroll with a gentleman.

I've been looking internally b/c I never date. Lucky says it has more to do with me focusing on school, partying, work, etc. It's never been a big deal to me and it's not that it's a bid deal now - I just want to do it more! With my current state of self-reflection, I've kind of come up empty about why I'm not. I do have some maybes: Maybe I don't smile enough, maybe I don't do the "girly look" enough. Maybe I seem intimidating. Maybe it's all of that. I'm continuing to search and will figure it out. The glow on the inside needs to shine on the outside! Perhaps it'll be one of those things that I'll work on internally so long that dating will actually just start to happen.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When It Hurts So Bad

I think I've composed myself enough to address this.

I [finally] told the FP my feelings for him a couple nights ago. To anyone who doesn't know, this means that I told him I was in love with him. First time I've ever said that to anyone and it was a long time coming. The result? He loves me ("You're amazing. You are TRULY something special and I love having you in my life. You're so important to me." I believe that and don't think they were just words.) but he's not in love with me. Great. The first time I tell a man I'm in love with him (we love each other as friends so we say "I love you" to each other all the time) and have my whole heart completely open to him and he doesn't even feel the same way. I never knew what it meant to be completely crushed about something but I figured it out.

The funny thing is that it's not that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do that crushed me - I can't control his feelings and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. My tears (most of which came pouring out over the phone and probably once an hour yesterday - we talked Tuesday night) and feelings of being crushed came from the fact that he told me he didn't know where my telling him "came from." Now, he knew the feelings of being "in love" were genuine and came from the heart but based on a conversation we had three weeks ago where he told me he KNEW my feelings but it was "cool" if I felt like I was working my way up to saying it, he didn't know if I was saying it just because he thought he left the door open for me. And I quote, "You may have felt like you didn't have anything to lose by telling me." THAT'S where part of my hurt/anger comes from: I could lose my friendship over this and I could also have my heart completely broken. Furthermore, he told me he'd been frustrated with me because I was acting different and some of our talks had been awkward because he could tell I had something more to say but couldn't/wouldn't. Thing is, if he KNEW my feelings but didn't even feel the same way, how could you be frustrated? WHY didn't he stop me a long time ago if he knew?

So we went back and forth on some issues. There were a lot of tears on my end, there were laughs, there was more frustration, and there was even some anger. I think since he doesn't feel the same way (and NO, I don't know why he doesn't - I was too all over the place to ask or even CARE), he probably can't fully understand my feelings and emotions. Today, I asked myself so many questions: Was him holding on to the "I KNOW" but not feeling the same way but seemingly still wanting me to tell him selfish and maybe, egotistical? Why did I let fear get the best of me and not tell him sooner? Why doesn't he see me the way I see him? With me finally verbalizing my feelings, forget what he says he KNEW, can we be friends and neither of us feel like there's an elephant in the room? In terms of the last question, our conversation ended well and with us both saying that the friendship is most important and we want to preserve that. Parts of me are upset with him AND hurt by him but I truly believe that with time, we'll find our way "back to the middle." Some friends don't agree with that and that's okay - my decisions have definitely been questionable in terms of the FP from time to time - because I know what I have to do for myself. I pray that it works out that way but only time will tell and only God knows. I DO know that we will both have to put in a better effort overall for that to happen.

So for now...I hurt. A little less everyday, but there's going to be some hurt until I get over it. I've made strides in all of one day (I didn't cry AT ALL today about it) but I might hit another wall. I'm not crying but I am sad. And I'm scared - scared about a lot of things that I don't want to disclose right now. For this to happen for the first time when I'm 29 and it not to be reciprocated is a tough pill to swallow. That's real.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...(Name that tune and finish the line! We have to have some fun during a sad post, right?)