Sunday, November 1, 2015

Come Back To The Middle

Note: No edits here, just me talking and trying to get it all out.

I am falling apart at the seams.

Well, on some surface levels, I am the same person I've always been. Like, personality wise, I'm the same Drenna everyone knows: loving, funny, honest, cool...whatever. None of that has changed.

But, there is one part of me that I've seemingly lost control of and I haven't been able to fix it: Work.

My job requires that I make very few mistakes. Mistakes at my job cost the company money. It could be small dollars or it could be big dollars. In my case, over the last five weeks, I've cost the company big dollars. This is unlike me. Yes, mistakes will happen because the job is based on a human entering things, but people count on me to keep them to a minimum. While it may seem like I've only done three things wrong out of a possible 50, that is a lot...considering they've all happened in a month.

I'm being technical. I've talked to a couple of people about it and they're literally in shock because "Drenna, that's not like you." I am sharp. Laser sharp. I don't make mistakes very often and now, they've snowballed and I feel like I can't stop it. Last week, it was formally addressed and on the very same day, I messed up again. I've taken measures to make sure I don't make these errors and then unforeseen errors - the kind I'd NEVER consider - end up happening.

I'm not overwhelmed. Well, I don't think that's the root of it. I think I've, for some reason, put some level of pressure on myself and that's caused mistakes. I don't even know why. No one has said, directly or indirectly, that I'm under any kind of scrutiny or pressure. People LOVE me at work. I have one of the most solid reputations of anyone I know and, yet, I'm sabotaging it on my own.

"Are you happy with your career?" That's not what this is about.  I've never loved my career, but I've almost always been okay with it, minus the fact that it doesn't make me wealthy. I enjoy doing things I'm really good at and this is one of them. It helps a lot when I work with people I like. That also happens to be another downfall, right now. My boss is one of my very best friends and so I feel like I'm letting her down. I'm disappointing myself, no doubt, but I'm also upset that this could make people question her decision-making. She's been nothing but helpful even when she's had to be tough on and I know that hasn't been easy for her.

"Well, you know what's happening so just do better." I'm TRYING. Like, I'm really trying. I've set up alerts for myself to make sure I stay on top of things. I'm even going to have someone else look at what I've done, at least for a little while, just to make sure there are no mistakes.

The last paragraph makes me so sad and pisses me off. Those measures I'm taking, to me, make me feel like I no longer know how to do my job. Someone being a "Second pair of eyes" makes me feel that I've lost confidence in my own abilities. I'm really good at my job so this is almost like starting over and I hate it.

Lastly, let me discuss my obsession with work. I'm rarely not thinking about it. First of all, I'm almost always at my desk. I know, that sounds weird's work so people should be at their desks. But, I mean, I'm almost always sitting there working all the time. I get in at 9 - okay, maybe 9:07 - and we don't leave until at least 6:30. Because of the mistakes I've made, I think about work once I leave. I went away last weekend and hadto check my email. It's like I need to always know what's happening with MY work. In the latter case, I guess that was a good thing because that's when I caught mistake number three.

Don't, for one second, think I don't have other stuff to do. I've got a FULL calendar sorority life and, your girl has a crew so I try to be out in these streets when I can. I'm busy doing other things so I have a pretty full like, but as this pays the bills, it weighs heaviest on my mind.

I haven't been on this blog in two years, but the only way I know to clear things up with myself is to write.

So, here I am. Trying to clear my mind. Trying to purge. Trying to find a new start.

Trying to keep my motherfucking job.

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