Searching For Me

"I'm just trying to do it all tonight, I got plans
I got a certain lust for life, As it stands
Everything is going as right...as it can..." -Drake


My life ain't what it used to be. In the past year and a half, it has taken a bit of a nosedive and I'm desperately trying to swim my way back to the top.

I quickly mentioned in the last post that my job has erred on the stressful side over the last year. Lots of shuffling resulted me in doing the same job for different people and seeing how quickly things can change.  At the previous company, I had lots of support and help. When things changed, I had none of that. After months of sleepless, sobbing nights, it seems I've figured out a way to cope with things since they're likely to stay the same so I can continue to get the job done.

Unfortunately whatever my definition of "coping" is, it has resulted in me losing that piece of me that was a social butterfly. No longer do I really want to go out after work; the best thing for me to do is just go home and decompress. Going out on the weekends? A thing of the past. I need those two days to mentally heal from the previous five days' beatdown.  I don't even talk to most of my friends like I used to. Wait, that's not completely my fault so I won't take the blame for all of it.  But for my part, everything is, "I'm just tired" or "I just want to chill."  I've always appreciated being home and enjoying my own space but this?  I'm on another level of "me time."

Something is wrong. I've got to fix it but I don't know how.  I couldn't even tell you where to go in the city to have a good time.  I'm not even talking about places to meet men because let me tell you, that's another post entirely. I'm just talking about hanging out with your friends and just being able to chat with different folks.  Oh but wait, some of my friends and I seem to barely know each other now.  It's like I'm a freshman away at college learning to find my own way again.  This issue - and trust me, that's what it is - creeps in my mind almost daily.

I'm lost.  And as I finish packing my bag for my first vacation in a year (it's actually only a long weekend but I'll take it), I wonder if this trip will also serve as the start of the yellow brick road on the way back to the old me.

Gotta find my way back.