Here's how things normally go with me: Someone says something or does something to me I don't like and instead of addressing it in the moment, I let it go for a bit and maybe Ill get back to it at a later date. If it is a really big deal to me, I'll likely do my version of addressing it.
It's not that I'm passive. Oh, I used to be but for the most part, that's long gone. No, it's more than that. I get nervous. I worry. I think too much. I think too much about how I'm going to say this or how someone's going to take that and how the conversation will end.
My hands get clammy, beads of sweat usually starting forming in my forehead and when I start to speak, my voice isn't as strong as it should be. I might even change my tone a bit to make someone feel a little more at ease when I come to them. It is a level of panic that I only feel when I have to express myself.
When it comes to work or my opinion on something generic - or hell, something that has nothing to do with me - I'm clear and to the point. I'm almost unwavering unless you give me a good reason to rethink a situation. But when it comes to me voicing my opinion on how something made me feel? I clam up. My emotions and feelings and the verbalization of those things are the toughest things I've had to deal with in my life. I'm not exaggerating; I just get...befuddled Also, I have this "thing" where I just don't anyone to take anything I say the "wrong" way.
Something happened recently that set me off but instead of addressing it in the moment, I waited for two weeks. Now, I had my reasons for eventually waiting that long but the reality is that I should have dealt with it right when it happened. When I did talk it out, it took a lot for me to put on my "big girl panties" and tackle it with a serious voice. The situation was resolved through conversation but while beating myself up about how long I allowed myself to be mad before we talked, I had a bit of a breakthrough.
There's a new day coming for me. I've mentally tackled this problem before but I wasn't really ready to make it better. Later for that. When people feel like they can tell me anything - things they know I won't like - and it'll be okay because they know I'll internalize it, that's a problem. I can't continue to let people think they can possibly run over me. This goes for anyone: men, my friends, and my family (my family actually doesn't do this often but they aren't exempt).
Slowly but surely, the days of me worrying more about how someone will take my truth are going to disappear. I'll always think tactfully about how to say something because that's just my way and for me, that's only right. There are only certain situations that call for being outright nasty to get your point across. But to bottle things up and I'm the only one upset about it? That doesn't work for me anymore. If what I say to someone - something that is true to my core - is enough for them to decide they want to steer clear of me even if that wasn't my intent, then I guess it wasn't meant for us to be in each other's lives
So here I am, learning what seems to come easily for everyone else. I'm excited but scared to see where this leads me but to be a better person for myself and others (trust me, my silence can be very loud and ugly), I've got to do things differently.
2013 is finally the start of my evolution.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Crossed The Burning Sands Into The Land of Z Phi B: A Thank You
"What the hell is this title about? What is a Z Phi B?" Let me break it down real quick.
Z Phi B is short for Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated. Yes, I am a sorority girl. I've been part of the Blue & White for 12 years and it is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Shocking? I know. Some people who've met me in more recent years (whether we've met in person or just online) don't really know that because I don't talk about it much. It is a huge part of me - just not something I talk about a lot. But here we go.
As a freshman at Jackson State University, an HBCU in Mississippi, I assumed that sorority life would be big but I wasn't very familiar with any of it. During my junior year in high school, I was part of the Delta Sigma Theta Teen Lift program but solely because we were able to meet kids from other schools and got a virtually free trip to Atlanta for a college tour. The mentors of the program would often tell the girls about their love for DST which was cute but...I wasn't interested. When I got to college, I recognized their letters and colors and thought, "OH, they are everywhere." But because sorority life never moved me and was never part of my life growing up, I still didn't care.
Cue the "Welcome to the yard" stepshow. Between the fraternities and sororities, there seas of colors in pink/green, purple/gold, crimson/cream and black/gold and what sounded like a million calls announcing each organization's presence. Then there was blue and white. The Sigmas, as I recall it, came out first to step and "blue phi" into the heavens. Next up were their "sisters," the Zetas and I was like, "Damn, they can really step." I was entertained but still not that interested after their show was done. Then something happened and I was sold. After their show, they came out into the audience and just kind of welcomed many students who said they were freshmen. They seemed so approachable and cool that in that moment, I decided I was going to be "one of them."
A year went by but in that time, I watched them. Not just the stepshows but how they moved on the campus and their community service. Don't get me wrong, the stepshows were the shit but that's not what hooked me. They were actually doing something and not just being "seen." I liked that and with some work and things of that nature, I became a member in Spring 2000.
Twelve years later, I still think back on my initial...let's say, two years in the sorority and I smile. Honestly, I didn't "need" the sisters (or brothers, if you include the Sigmas), friends or popularity that came with being a member of a sorority: I was already pretty popular and had enough friends. We worked hard. We were the third smallest sorority on campus but we were the most liked and quite frankly, we ran that yard. I take a lot of pride in that because when you become part of something, you want to know that what you do is not going in vain. I simply joined because I loved what they stood for. And I still do. Finances haven't always allowed me to be a financial member (I won't lie - it isn't necessarily cheap but it keeps the organization floating) but I always peeked my head in on my graduate chapter when I'm not able to give financially. Being part of "my Z Phi" has given me a better appreciation of community organization and service. I honestly don't know that I would have realized how important that was in my early 20s without Zeta.
And on top of that, I've met some special people. There are some people I've met through the sorority that I love so deeply as family that you wouldn't even know we were Sorors because that's probably the last thing I mention because of them. I absolutely thank my sorority for that because with it, there would be no us (the "us" being some of the relationships I have). I'm not as "Soror-ly" as I used to be - meaning I don't run around hugging every Soror I see - but that has played an integral part in my growth when I was in my 20s.
So, I know that some of you reading may hate my obvious view of my love of MY sorority (and to an extent, all sororities) - especially those of you who have strong opinions against them - and that's okay. However my passion for it, I hope, will never die.
"I love my Z Phi B! And in my heart, I couldn't love another 'cuz I love my sorority."
Z Phi B is short for Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated. Yes, I am a sorority girl. I've been part of the Blue & White for 12 years and it is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Shocking? I know. Some people who've met me in more recent years (whether we've met in person or just online) don't really know that because I don't talk about it much. It is a huge part of me - just not something I talk about a lot. But here we go.
As a freshman at Jackson State University, an HBCU in Mississippi, I assumed that sorority life would be big but I wasn't very familiar with any of it. During my junior year in high school, I was part of the Delta Sigma Theta Teen Lift program but solely because we were able to meet kids from other schools and got a virtually free trip to Atlanta for a college tour. The mentors of the program would often tell the girls about their love for DST which was cute but...I wasn't interested. When I got to college, I recognized their letters and colors and thought, "OH, they are everywhere." But because sorority life never moved me and was never part of my life growing up, I still didn't care.
Cue the "Welcome to the yard" stepshow. Between the fraternities and sororities, there seas of colors in pink/green, purple/gold, crimson/cream and black/gold and what sounded like a million calls announcing each organization's presence. Then there was blue and white. The Sigmas, as I recall it, came out first to step and "blue phi" into the heavens. Next up were their "sisters," the Zetas and I was like, "Damn, they can really step." I was entertained but still not that interested after their show was done. Then something happened and I was sold. After their show, they came out into the audience and just kind of welcomed many students who said they were freshmen. They seemed so approachable and cool that in that moment, I decided I was going to be "one of them."
A year went by but in that time, I watched them. Not just the stepshows but how they moved on the campus and their community service. Don't get me wrong, the stepshows were the shit but that's not what hooked me. They were actually doing something and not just being "seen." I liked that and with some work and things of that nature, I became a member in Spring 2000.
Twelve years later, I still think back on my initial...let's say, two years in the sorority and I smile. Honestly, I didn't "need" the sisters (or brothers, if you include the Sigmas), friends or popularity that came with being a member of a sorority: I was already pretty popular and had enough friends. We worked hard. We were the third smallest sorority on campus but we were the most liked and quite frankly, we ran that yard. I take a lot of pride in that because when you become part of something, you want to know that what you do is not going in vain. I simply joined because I loved what they stood for. And I still do. Finances haven't always allowed me to be a financial member (I won't lie - it isn't necessarily cheap but it keeps the organization floating) but I always peeked my head in on my graduate chapter when I'm not able to give financially. Being part of "my Z Phi" has given me a better appreciation of community organization and service. I honestly don't know that I would have realized how important that was in my early 20s without Zeta.
And on top of that, I've met some special people. There are some people I've met through the sorority that I love so deeply as family that you wouldn't even know we were Sorors because that's probably the last thing I mention because of them. I absolutely thank my sorority for that because with it, there would be no us (the "us" being some of the relationships I have). I'm not as "Soror-ly" as I used to be - meaning I don't run around hugging every Soror I see - but that has played an integral part in my growth when I was in my 20s.
So, I know that some of you reading may hate my obvious view of my love of MY sorority (and to an extent, all sororities) - especially those of you who have strong opinions against them - and that's okay. However my passion for it, I hope, will never die.
"I love my Z Phi B! And in my heart, I couldn't love another 'cuz I love my sorority."
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Mama's Girl: A Thank You To My Mom
I could probably go on and on but I'll try to stay as focused as possible so rambling won't take over.
My mom is, by far, one of my favorite people. First of all, let me say that if you knew me but never met her, you'd probably know she was my mother as soon as you saw her. We pretty much have the same face. Okay, back to doting. Lil D is very laidback and down to earth. I'd like to believe she told me that I needed that trait while I was still in the womb because I've picked up those qualities. As I've grown into adulthood, she's taken on the role of friend while not at all diminishing her role as mom and the "I'll knock you out if you get beside yourself" attitude. She's funnier than she thinks, loveable as she wants to be and nurturing to everyone (all my friends love her - even those who've only ever heard stories about her). I don't know how she learned it but whatever motherly qualities that people assume all mothers should get - whether they do or not - she absolutely inherited. I mean, she's really good.
For all that closeness and all those soft and coral things, we get on each other's nerves probably every week. My laidbackness takes a backseat to my "spiciness" sometimes and that attitude does not work well with any mother. When we're not "on," the best thing for us to do is just turn "off." The biggest issue we have is that she feels we need to talk everyday. EVERY. DAY. Who needs to speak to someone everyday? Not me (Lawd, I'm never going to get a man with that attitude, huh? LOL). Everyone says I should oblige her but I'm really not that girl. So when we argue, its because I don't call enough. I don't apologize for that and so, we may take a three day break (which really means she isn't calling me) and that allows us to kind of cool off, reiterate our same points but get over it and get back on track.
I've got to say that one of the best things about my mom is that she allows for one thing that some parents don't let happen with their kids: she lets me be myself. I find that so many parents have these preconceived notions of who their children should be in their careers and what their lives should be like by a certain age but Lil D isn't like that. Sure, she always hoped I turned out to be a good person but I also wanted it for myself so I never felt like I needed to impress her with that. I work in radio (well, not currently but by trade) and write on the side, neither of which are extremely stable. But she never pushed for anything else. She also isn't the "when are you going to get married and have kids" mother. You know what? Even if she is one or all of those things, she's never said any of it to me and for that, I appreciate her.
See, I told you I could go on and on. There are truly a million other things I could say but I'm just going to stop and let this breathe. My mom is part of my support system and my soul sister and it's great to know that she's around when I need her - and even when I think I don't. Love you, Lil D!
My mom is, by far, one of my favorite people. First of all, let me say that if you knew me but never met her, you'd probably know she was my mother as soon as you saw her. We pretty much have the same face. Okay, back to doting. Lil D is very laidback and down to earth. I'd like to believe she told me that I needed that trait while I was still in the womb because I've picked up those qualities. As I've grown into adulthood, she's taken on the role of friend while not at all diminishing her role as mom and the "I'll knock you out if you get beside yourself" attitude. She's funnier than she thinks, loveable as she wants to be and nurturing to everyone (all my friends love her - even those who've only ever heard stories about her). I don't know how she learned it but whatever motherly qualities that people assume all mothers should get - whether they do or not - she absolutely inherited. I mean, she's really good.
For all that closeness and all those soft and coral things, we get on each other's nerves probably every week. My laidbackness takes a backseat to my "spiciness" sometimes and that attitude does not work well with any mother. When we're not "on," the best thing for us to do is just turn "off." The biggest issue we have is that she feels we need to talk everyday. EVERY. DAY. Who needs to speak to someone everyday? Not me (Lawd, I'm never going to get a man with that attitude, huh? LOL). Everyone says I should oblige her but I'm really not that girl. So when we argue, its because I don't call enough. I don't apologize for that and so, we may take a three day break (which really means she isn't calling me) and that allows us to kind of cool off, reiterate our same points but get over it and get back on track.
I've got to say that one of the best things about my mom is that she allows for one thing that some parents don't let happen with their kids: she lets me be myself. I find that so many parents have these preconceived notions of who their children should be in their careers and what their lives should be like by a certain age but Lil D isn't like that. Sure, she always hoped I turned out to be a good person but I also wanted it for myself so I never felt like I needed to impress her with that. I work in radio (well, not currently but by trade) and write on the side, neither of which are extremely stable. But she never pushed for anything else. She also isn't the "when are you going to get married and have kids" mother. You know what? Even if she is one or all of those things, she's never said any of it to me and for that, I appreciate her.
See, I told you I could go on and on. There are truly a million other things I could say but I'm just going to stop and let this breathe. My mom is part of my support system and my soul sister and it's great to know that she's around when I need her - and even when I think I don't. Love you, Lil D!
Monday, December 3, 2012
To All The Artists I've Loved Before...I Thank You
This time, I'm talking about all the singers, rappers, writers, producers...anyone who has helped put together the best verses in my favorite songs. I've allowed music to take me through every emotion possible and on my worst day, I've depended on it wholly to bring me through a situation. I'm sure that's selfish to expect that one song should make me feel better about everything that's going on in my life but I do. Sometimes, it helps me more than talking to the people who know me best.
When I went through my "ordeal" with the FP a couple of years ago, the only thing I could do was shed a few tears and turn on some music. No, I didn't listen to a bunch of songs about heartbreak (I've yet to have to press play on that playlist); instead; I just listened to many of my favorite artists who sang their hearts out about whatever was going on in their lives. It wasn't the situation that made me feel better, but rather the emotion that poured out of every line. That alone helped me work out so many thoughts and feelings...and make decisions.
I know, it sounds dramatic. Could I survive my life without music? I mean, as long as I'm breathing I'm surviving and my heart doesn't beat based on a drum so I'm sure I could. However, I can guarantee my life wouldn't be the same. Knowing that people who don't know me but can sing a song that tells me they still understand is soothing to me. Hell, knowing that I need a moment to "drop it low" because everything isn't serious all the time constantly gives me a boost and for that, I appreciate all the producers I love in the world. The writers...oh, what a blessing! I've tried to write a song and it is just something that alludes me to I leave it to those who know it best. But I thank them for taking that time to accept their own emotions or the emotions of the people closest to them and put pen to paper.
For all those involved in the process that gets the finished project to me, all I see is your love (even in the songs I like that were truly made to make a quick buck) and I thank you.
When I went through my "ordeal" with the FP a couple of years ago, the only thing I could do was shed a few tears and turn on some music. No, I didn't listen to a bunch of songs about heartbreak (I've yet to have to press play on that playlist); instead; I just listened to many of my favorite artists who sang their hearts out about whatever was going on in their lives. It wasn't the situation that made me feel better, but rather the emotion that poured out of every line. That alone helped me work out so many thoughts and feelings...and make decisions.
I know, it sounds dramatic. Could I survive my life without music? I mean, as long as I'm breathing I'm surviving and my heart doesn't beat based on a drum so I'm sure I could. However, I can guarantee my life wouldn't be the same. Knowing that people who don't know me but can sing a song that tells me they still understand is soothing to me. Hell, knowing that I need a moment to "drop it low" because everything isn't serious all the time constantly gives me a boost and for that, I appreciate all the producers I love in the world. The writers...oh, what a blessing! I've tried to write a song and it is just something that alludes me to I leave it to those who know it best. But I thank them for taking that time to accept their own emotions or the emotions of the people closest to them and put pen to paper.
For all those involved in the process that gets the finished project to me, all I see is your love (even in the songs I like that were truly made to make a quick buck) and I thank you.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Brotherly Love
I'm not the best sister in the world. There's no excuse for it and there's nothing else I can really say besides telling me truth. While I have an older sister, we didn't grow up together at all and never spent any time together so most of my sibling energy went to my brother who's six years younger than me. We have very different personalities and always have so we kind of grew up as "only" children, with him doing his thing and me doing mine. As we've grown up, he's moved a few hours away and has a family to take care of; I don't call like I should and rarely ever visit. Most of the things I know about him comes from the middle man - our mother.
It bothers both of us that we aren't closer but because he's the more emotional one, it gets to him more than me. I "try" to work on it but could do better and yet, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. I get caught in my own world of "nothingness," being fully aware that his life is five times as stressful as mine but I don't even call once a week to give him that "sibling time." We don't have to be best friends - I don't even think either of us wants that. What he needs, and what I've seem to "refuse" to give, is just a little more of me. I'm genuinely open when we talk but there's just not a lot to say. I don't dig deeper because I often don't feel like dealing with the push back he'll give even though I know he secretly likes that. It's just become our semi-connected but not really way of doing things.
We press on and move about our lives knowing that the love never changes even if we hardly talk. He doesn't judge me for being protective from a distance and loving in my own way. Maybe we'll get better and maybe we won't but for all that we are...I thank him.
It bothers both of us that we aren't closer but because he's the more emotional one, it gets to him more than me. I "try" to work on it but could do better and yet, he doesn't seem to hold it against me. I get caught in my own world of "nothingness," being fully aware that his life is five times as stressful as mine but I don't even call once a week to give him that "sibling time." We don't have to be best friends - I don't even think either of us wants that. What he needs, and what I've seem to "refuse" to give, is just a little more of me. I'm genuinely open when we talk but there's just not a lot to say. I don't dig deeper because I often don't feel like dealing with the push back he'll give even though I know he secretly likes that. It's just become our semi-connected but not really way of doing things.
We press on and move about our lives knowing that the love never changes even if we hardly talk. He doesn't judge me for being protective from a distance and loving in my own way. Maybe we'll get better and maybe we won't but for all that we are...I thank him.
Monday, August 20, 2012
As The Cycle Continues
I'm in awe of most parents. Like, I admire the work that most of them put into raising their children into the becoming the best possible adults. Even when things don't ultimately go the way they planned for their kids and as hurtful as it may be, I still bow down to the work it takes to raise children. If you are a parent, that seems to be the most important job you'll ever have.
But the operative word was "most." For as much as I love those parents, I am infuriated by the parents who basically do the absolute least and expect the most kudos. I don't want to offend but as I continue to watch some of the parents in my neighborhood, it weighs on my heart and my brain and I need to speak on it.
On an almost daily basis, when I walk home there are groups of people - men and women - hanging outside and their kids are playing with each other. Sounds good, right, seeing the parents outside spending that time with their kids? Eh, not so much. These parents are often flat out drunk, smoking blunts and cursing up a storm in front of their own children. This is at any given time on any given day. They're hardly watching the kids, as sometimes they're all the way on my end of the block which is almost out of their vision and certainly where someone could easily snatch them. It's almost like they know they have children but they'd prefer if they just went on and did their own thing.
Last week as I was walking to my building, this lady (she looked about mid-20s) must have been talking about her plans for the next day. Her son said to her, "Ma, what day am I coming back again?" With an attitude she replied, "You coming back whenever I finish partying!" I cut my eyes over real quick, saw her with her red Solo cup and a blunt while her son just went off to ride his bike. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him that she responded like that because its something he's used to or maybe it wasn't even a big deal period but it was pretty telling. She was so dismissive and clear more concerned about her plans for the next night.
That example and so many others make me wonder if these parents on my block and others around the world are continuing a cycle or if they're starting one. From the outside looking in (and I want to be clear that I'm on the outside looking in - been looking for about six years now), it would appear that these kids are growing up with an adult in the house but not a real parental figure. Almost all of them are very "forceful" in their tone and discipline so that the kids know who is in charge but what does it matter? There don't seem to be any real examples being set. If that's the case, what are the children to go on as they grow into adulthood? What positive examples will they be able to follow? Sure, at some point all adults have to figure out their lives despite what they were shown as children but that is very hard.
When you have kids, you take on that role and despite all of our numerous opinions, I'm sure that role doesn't include being drunk and smoking blunts in front of them on the regular nor does it include cursing them out all the time. As I reflect on this, I just hope that all kids find positive role models at some point whether they or in or out of the home.
But the operative word was "most." For as much as I love those parents, I am infuriated by the parents who basically do the absolute least and expect the most kudos. I don't want to offend but as I continue to watch some of the parents in my neighborhood, it weighs on my heart and my brain and I need to speak on it.
On an almost daily basis, when I walk home there are groups of people - men and women - hanging outside and their kids are playing with each other. Sounds good, right, seeing the parents outside spending that time with their kids? Eh, not so much. These parents are often flat out drunk, smoking blunts and cursing up a storm in front of their own children. This is at any given time on any given day. They're hardly watching the kids, as sometimes they're all the way on my end of the block which is almost out of their vision and certainly where someone could easily snatch them. It's almost like they know they have children but they'd prefer if they just went on and did their own thing.
Last week as I was walking to my building, this lady (she looked about mid-20s) must have been talking about her plans for the next day. Her son said to her, "Ma, what day am I coming back again?" With an attitude she replied, "You coming back whenever I finish partying!" I cut my eyes over real quick, saw her with her red Solo cup and a blunt while her son just went off to ride his bike. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to him that she responded like that because its something he's used to or maybe it wasn't even a big deal period but it was pretty telling. She was so dismissive and clear more concerned about her plans for the next night.
That example and so many others make me wonder if these parents on my block and others around the world are continuing a cycle or if they're starting one. From the outside looking in (and I want to be clear that I'm on the outside looking in - been looking for about six years now), it would appear that these kids are growing up with an adult in the house but not a real parental figure. Almost all of them are very "forceful" in their tone and discipline so that the kids know who is in charge but what does it matter? There don't seem to be any real examples being set. If that's the case, what are the children to go on as they grow into adulthood? What positive examples will they be able to follow? Sure, at some point all adults have to figure out their lives despite what they were shown as children but that is very hard.
When you have kids, you take on that role and despite all of our numerous opinions, I'm sure that role doesn't include being drunk and smoking blunts in front of them on the regular nor does it include cursing them out all the time. As I reflect on this, I just hope that all kids find positive role models at some point whether they or in or out of the home.
The Wall
It happened. I knew it would but was hoping it would take longer. I was hoping I'd react differently.
The wall hit me right in my face with my daily posts and instead of believing that I could climb my big behind over it - or at least get a rope to help me up - I let it get the best of me and I stopped writing.
Sure, my biggest problem is coming up with something to say that I want to really share. I'm pretty open on here but sometimes there are some things a girl just wants to keep to herself, you know? I mean, I don't have any real "business" anyway but you know what I'm saying! Then when I do get a topic, I have to think hard about not being too "wordy." One thing about me: I. CAN. TALK. My writing is conversational and those who know me can literally hear my voice when they read what I write. But when reading, there's no time for all that. I have to just get to the point.
Anyway, I say all that to say I haven't given up yet. At all. While I've lost momentum and the point was to write daily, I still believe I will finish up strong. I'm just disappointed in myself.
Oh well. *slowly starts climbing up and over the wall*
The wall hit me right in my face with my daily posts and instead of believing that I could climb my big behind over it - or at least get a rope to help me up - I let it get the best of me and I stopped writing.
Sure, my biggest problem is coming up with something to say that I want to really share. I'm pretty open on here but sometimes there are some things a girl just wants to keep to herself, you know? I mean, I don't have any real "business" anyway but you know what I'm saying! Then when I do get a topic, I have to think hard about not being too "wordy." One thing about me: I. CAN. TALK. My writing is conversational and those who know me can literally hear my voice when they read what I write. But when reading, there's no time for all that. I have to just get to the point.
Anyway, I say all that to say I haven't given up yet. At all. While I've lost momentum and the point was to write daily, I still believe I will finish up strong. I'm just disappointed in myself.
Oh well. *slowly starts climbing up and over the wall*
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