His Heart

So, I'm on Ghostface Killah's "Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City" album - its been in consistent rotation for weeks now. Most know Ghost as one of the shoot em up bang bang members of Wu-Tang who, every now and then, can drop one of those very Carl Thomas-y (read: emotional) songs that the ladies will love and the guys will respect. His current album goes through a range of emotions from how he feels losing the woman he loves, believing he's found love at first sight, his rage at a cheating woman, and the list goes on and on. Anyway, listening to the album makes me think: Is he representing all men?

"...Any other day, I would of just let you, pass me by
Cuz I see you got situations
And I've got mine, but baby its OK
It's alright, I'm not gonna let you pass me by
Cuz this was love at first sight
Cuz this was love at first sight
It's OK... - "Paragraphes of Love" (chorus) Ghostface feat. Vaughn Anthony and Estelle

Now I certainly am not naive enough to believe that men do not have emotions and feelings and thoughts that can be just as deep as the women's thoughts and feelings. But of course, we don't often hear about it because "society" has made us believe that men shouldn't be able to express themselves and that results in them generally closing themselves up and leaving us to try and figure out what's going on in their heads. Lack of communication has often been a huge part of the reason couples cannot work our their differences and ultimately break up. Often times, the men are "blank stared" or even worse, laughed at when they do express themselves (even if it takes them an hour to get the words out). It's kind of like a Catch 22.

Case in point.

I was on the phone with, who was then and I'm not sure about now, a friend that I haven't seen in about a month. As we played catch up, he comes out and says "I miss you. I want to be around you because you're just so cool and sweet. I'm so glad we re-connected." He went on and on but I'll spare you all from that. Anyway, I kind of just looked at the phone and while I didn't laugh at him, I was saying to myself, "Oh yeah? Is this dude serious right now?" I'm not completely sure if I blank stared the phone because I can't imagine a guy saying stuff like this (he's over 30 so he should be at least a little comfortable with certain words) or if it was because it was HIM and with him, you're not sure if he's for real or trying to drop some game. I responded by telling him that I thought he was real cool and nice too and that it was fun chilling out with him. Said man and I still haven't seen each other and I haven't spoken to him on the phone since that day but that's beside the point. It kind of went along with my thoughts of: Do we really belittle a man's feelings and emotions? Do we truly believe that they could never be honest enough with themselves and us long enough to be expressive?

"...I appreciate your concern and support for me
Most important, your honesty and trust, your heart's incredible
This the truth spilling out of my guts
If I, would of took the chance to see
What was place right in front of my face
For sure, nine out of ten times
My actions wouldn't allow me to be so naive..."- "Do Over" by Ghostface and Raheem DeVaughn

Obviously, this is a man who may not have a chance in HELL of getting back with his woman. But the question is: in the general sense, do you believe a man can speak like this or do you laugh right from the jump?

Let's talk.

*Miss BB Note: If this were a Music Snob post, I'd tell you to go pick up this new Ghostface album - men and women will enjoy it!

THIS or THAT.

I had a talk with a friend the other day and she was talking to me about her new fiance. It was quite the surprise to me because they've been together less than a year and it hasn't been the "honeymoon" it should be during that time. There's been lots of arguing, complaining, cancellations and just so many different things going on. To put it lightly, I was shocked and unfortunately for me this time, I couldn't help but to say "Wow, alright. That's wild because our talks about this dude have not been in line with an upcoming engagement. She agreed but she simply said "I demanded what I wanted." Hmmm, ok.

I had nothing more to say on it except "Well girl, I hope you're happy!" No one wants to hear their skeptical friend continue with their skepticism on their happy moment so I shut up. But in my mind all I kept thinking was, "She gave the man an ultimatum?" Truth be told, I'm nervous for the possibility of this "union." Times haven't been good for many reasons with them and they haven't known each other for that long; add to that an ultimatum, I think this smells like a recipe for a disaster. These things still work in today's world of people not giving a damn about others' feelings, the ratio of women to men being at an alarming rate and just the idea of it being dumb? REALLY?

Personally, I've never been one for ultimatums when it comes to men. I've voiced my opinion on how I feel about situations and maybe they agree and maybe they don't. But I've never said "LOOK, I want this to happen and if it doesn't then xyz." Not my style and I don't believe, if the outcome is in my favor, it will last very long. Understanding that my friend and other women may have a goal for their personal lives, giving the man (or "friend" or whatever) you're with an ultimatum is not the way to go. If he was interested in this notion, would he not have asked? Or at the very least, would he not have at least bought up the conversation with his lady to get her opinion on it? I'm just confused.

In my friend's case, this man is not ready. It's not an opinion - more of an unsaid fact. He is barely her boyfriend (it's been observed through mutual male and friends and we've never got a clear answer on how she can consider him her boyfriend) and it seems like he just wants to make sure he has her AROUND more than him being committed to being WITH her. I'm very nervous for her feelings as well as her inability to see the writing on the wall. But she has to know this isn't good...right? She has to know that by saying "This or THAT" is not going to make him be the one for her....RIGHT??

Ultimatums. Let's discuss.

*Miss BB note: The story of the friend is not complete accurate - there are a few things changed to protect my lil homie.

Touch Me, Tease Me

We've talked about sex on here and last year, we specifically discussed Emergency Sex in a Glass and how we should all have some. But what if you don't?

Men say all the time, "Ladies, you can get it when you want it" and I agree with that. But a friend has bought up the topic of "Involuntary Celibacy." Involuntary Celibacy, in case you didn't catch the clear definition is when a person hasn't CHOSEN to be "out the game" but that is clearly the case. Now yes, someone of the male species may approach her but this man doesn't count because he has nothing to offer (I don't mean financially - I mean he has nothing going on mentally, socially, etc..) thus keeping her in that celibate state of mind. Exes or former jumpoffs may/may not be people she still speaks but sex is not an option for them (we're women and some of us get emotionally attached again when we go back).

So the idea that women can just always GET IT isn't as simple as it seems. My friend wants to know what can a woman do about her involuntary celibate status BESIDES have an unhealthy sex affair with food, watch porn and hate on the chick getting down, and breaking the toys while pleasing herself which, she says, gets boring after awhile. She needs assistance and all my suggestions were all things she'd tried already. LOL!

What say you? What are some other techniques to deal with this? Should she be putting herself out there more with new men?

Let's talk. *see, quick and to the point - I know ya'll don't always LOVE my lengthy posts.*

Linestepping

So, I have a guilty pleasure. I've been watching, on a daily or every other day basis, Starbury TV. For those who haven't heard, this is an online stream of Stephon Marbury's (he's a basketball player for those who REALLY don't know) daily doings and other stuff. When I first started watching, I thought he was crazy but now, I think he's moreso trying to get a reality show than he is crazy. He's entertaining for me and more importantly, he usually streams from one of his houses (one in LA and one in NY where spends most of his time) which I love to see because I love a beautiful house.

On any given night, he has "Ladies Night." Now, there are already a lot of women in the chat room (he chats with the viewers too) so during Ladies Night, he put on some kind of sexy feeling music, looks "longingly" in the camera, and does something with his lips or tongue or something. He always has his shirt off during this time and will sometimes do one of his many dances. I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling something in my love below (thanks, Lucky!) but I'm usually just laughing. Anyway, the other women for the most part are typing things like "OMG, Steph, don't do this to me" or when he says "how do you feel right now," they're replying with "I'm moist right now." Yes, bring your eyebrow down - I had to do the same thing. Did I mention he's a very married man (he mentions his wife almost daily and wears his ring)?

Is this a form of linestepping? I mean, are these women really overstepping their boundaries, albeit just over the internet, with their e-sexual advances toward this married man? One woman last week said to him that she would "ride the sh*t out of his pole." No, but seriously, she did. As I watch, I'm always wondering if his wife is watching and if she is, how does she feel about what they say to him and more importantly, how she feels about him initiating it all even though he doesn't say anything NEARLY as forward as the women. She knows he does the stream so I'm pretty sure she's seen "Ladies Night" at least once or twice.

How do we feel about sexual internet advances when a person is admittedly married or in a committed relationship? Is it okay because it's "just the internet" and you'll probably never meet the person? Is it still wrong because even though you may not ever meet, what you've said (or did because in the general world, flirting via internet usually results in some type of picture being swapped) is something you likely would never tell your partner about? Where do you draw the line?

Let's talk!

Bad Habit

Before I formally met him, I saw him. Our initial contact was through a letter, then phone conversations, and then we finally met face to face (and when I saw him, I knew it was him before he even introduced himself). That was almost 11 years ago. Our friendship has gone up and down - a Great Adventure roller coaster of epic proportion. The details aren't even necessary at this point and we're on good terms right now. He was my bad habit for a very long time until I finally got over the hump, let the friendship go, give myself time to let it all go, and then come back to the middle again. Years ago, Far Rock (we've discussed him before) was my bad habit. I realized I wasn't his so I got over it.

We all kind of go through it. Maxwell's song (and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong) sounds like he's talking about a current love...or lover. That woman is clearly taking him to another level when they hook up sexually b/c there's no one as bad as her. *wipes sweat from the brow* Anyway, you can read the lyrics for yourself and decipher what he's talking about. It seems to be somewhat of an obsession for him to connect with the woman and to even think about her scent, her hair, or just her body. It happens that way though, doesn't it? Sometimes it takes just that one person for you to be all messed up in the head. Whether it's something in the way they talk, the way they treat you, the sex...whatever. Maybe your habit was someone you're still with or someone you haven't seen in 10 years. Or was it something they did to you? Helped you do things different.

Who/What is/was your Bad Habit? Let's talk.

Mrs. You...or Mrs. Me-You???

In keeping with the spirit of this wedding talk we've been having on here let's keep it going with this: the name change.

A co-worker is getting married in a little over a week and when she came by my department today, I asked if she was going to hyphenate her name or just take on her soon-to-be husband's last name. She said she'll be taking his name and after a longer conversation (which isn't at all relevant to this topic but was hilarious nonetheless), went back to her own work - the conversation, however, continued in my office. Here are the responses:

Miss BB: I'm taking my husband's last name. It's not even a discussion for me. But if for some reason I'm super famous and they only know me by [insert gov't name], I'll keep it in the public eye to cut down on confusion.

Fiesty: I don't know about dropping my last name and I don't want to hyphenate it. I really like my name as is and I'd have a problem just changing it. I guess it would become more important after we have kids.

Dubb (she's already married): I hyphenated my name because if I didn't, they couldn't call me [insert various nicknames that include her maiden name]. She may have only been partially joking but it was funny.

KayKay: Eh, I'd probably change my name in but I'd keep my maiden name in my career world.

Call me old-fashioned and perhaps a bit naive, but I really didn't know women discussed the idea of NOT taking their future husband's last name until a couple of years ago when I was reading a message board. Many of the women were adamant about not taking on their husband's name because they wanted to "keep their identity" and not get lost in his name. Miss BB Note: I frequent 2-3 boards and I'm not talking about either of them. The men who responded questioned why the woman who has agreed to marry him will not agree to taking his last name. Some of those men went as far to say it would be a total deal breaker if the woman didn't agree to. at the very least, hyphenating her name. I guess it's THAT'S serious.

The ladies of my department reached out to our former co-worker, Chief, to get his thoughts and his response is: "It depends if she's career minded or tryin to accomplish something where she's recognized by her name; it's cool, I can accept that. However in general I would like for my wife to take my last name, but it's nothing to fight about." I'm surprised Chief would say it's "nothing to fight about" because he's quite traditional and THIS is probably one of the upper echelon traditional things in relationships. When I told Fiesty about the conversation on the msgboard and how some of the men saw it as a deal breaker if the woman wouldn't consider taking his name at all, she said she could understand why.

I believe it's a personal decision (my girl Lucky has had her own reason for wanting to keep her last name) and that whatever makes you both comfortable is what you should rock with. But at the same time, I'm like "Why not take his name?"

What's say you? Let's discuss!

So What if I DO??

I grew up with a mother who was a teacher. Because of that, my focus has always been go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. Boys (and eventually, men) will always be there to have fun with. So, and like I've said in a previous post, dating and settling down has never been a number one priority on my list. Even going into my 30th year (just a little over seven months away now), the idea of getting married is not a top priority, although I do hope to be married one day. But what's wrong with wanting that?

I recently posed the question to my crew: Where are you in your life as it pertains to dating and what do you think of women who have the opposite stance (no matter if you're loving the single life or tired of that sh*t and ready to settle down)? In what actually came as no surprise to me, most of the group would entertain the idea of a relationship if the right man piqued their interest enough to leave the single life. There's no settling here for this group of overachieving, highly motivated, attractive group of women so until that man comes along (and there's one who may/may not be close to leaving "the life"), they/we are fine where we are. They have no problems with women who have decided they have reached certain points in their lives where they can proudly say, "I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship that might even one day lead to marriage." And why should they?

There was a time in society where the only thing a woman should be concerned about is finding a husband. So, it's odd to see a woman be afraid, for lack of a better word, to express that she's ready to be in a relationship because people will look at her as though it's wrong. Nowadays, that woman is looked upon as the desperate type who needs to learn how to be more independent. Nevermind that she's well into her career and whether making lots of money or not, she's happy with her progression. Nevermind that she has great friends and has traveled with not only her friends but alone. Nevermind that she's dated and enjoyed the single life and has yet to settle down with a guy just to say, "I have a man." That woman is now desperate because she wants a relationship. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does not make up every "I'm ready to settle down" woman but I'm using the extreme because she does exist.

What is "in" to some people is the woman who is totally happy being single and would never utter the "I want a man" phrase. Forget the face that she tries to put her first name with the last name of every dude she dates. Forget that she's secretly depressed that she is single but would never let the masses see it. Forget the fact that the only reason she goes out so much is because she's tired of going home every night to an empty house. Oh, and lest we forget that she sometimes sleeps with every other dude she goes out with because she DOES want a little noise in her house every now and then. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does NOT make up every happily single woman but I'm using extreme cases because she does exist.

So what's the deal? Where do you stand in your life? And how do you look at the woman who's the exact opposite? Or do you ever even think about the exact opposite?