My mother prays for me.
To be clear, she prays for me all the time. She's not overly religious but she definitely believes in God, goes to church, and fully believes that through prayer and faith, all things will work out. Because of that, she prays that I have a good life and am happy in all that I do. But there's more. Two years ago, she wrote me a letter that she put in with my Christmas gifts where she said, "...I pray that you find a partner worthy of all you are." Sweet lady, that woman is. A couple months ago, I was telling her something - very light and just a quick story for conversations sake - that deserved nothing more than a quick laugh. She did laugh and then she said, "I'm praying for the two of you. It is bigger than what you two know or see." My response was, "Ma, you worried bout the wrong things, the wrong things." She just said "okay" but would continue her prayers. *NOTE: I'm sure you can figure out who she was talking about if you follow...or go back. She hates to believe the truth of what it is.
My [now former] co-worker is getting married. One day. To someone. Two weeks ago, she started looking for a wedding dress. And a reception hall. And bridesmaid dresses. Try as I may to mind my business, I finally looked over and said, "You're getting married?" She said, "Yes, one day." Now she has an on/off boyfriend so when I asked if she was marrying him she responded, "Maybe. Or maybe not. But I want to be ready. I know it will happen so I'm going to start looking. I speaking it into existence. Going on my faith." Okay. I don't always show a poker face and this time was no difference because she said, "What's wrong with faith?" Nothing. Nothing at all.
But maybe there could be. My mom is praying on something that likely won't ever be. I won't say "never" because if for some odd reason the moon turns royal blue and a tide changes, I don't want you all to say 'I thought you said never.'" My old co-worker is planning a wedding when a proposal hasn't happened. Now, if that's what she wants to do, fine. I do wonder though: Can the faith lead to becoming delusional? Women walk out on faith all the time when it comes to relationships. We so often hope that though "he may be like this now, he'll get better as he grows." That's because its the hope we want for ourselves. To make us happy. We pray and keep the faith that things will change. In reality, sometimes things are getting worse even we just know that "God is making a way."
There is nothing wrong with prayer and faith. We all need something to get us through - through life, work, relationships, etc. When you want something, you should work toward it and if prayer is part of who you are, pray for it to happen.
Does/Can Faith cloud your judgment? Let's discuss.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Change For You
Lebron's going to Miami. By now, some have jumped for joy, some have wished him ill things, some have acted like life is over. Some...well see Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert's letter here (if you haven't read it already). While I'm a huge fan, that is not why we're here today.
Savannah. Savannah Brinson, to be exact. Still not ringing a bell? Well, she is Lebron's long time girlfriend and mother of his two sons. They're roughly the same age (though she might be a year younger) and from what's known, they've been together about 6-7 years. High school sweethearts, she's been with him since he was a scruffy kid with no money and years later, she's with the scruffy young man (minus his appearance on ESPN to announce "the decision" - did you see that SHARP line) who has millions of dollars. He's leaving "working class" Cleveland to head down to Miami - home of the pretty beaches and hot women.
All of a sudden, its time for Savannah to "step her game up." I read message boards and blogs all weekend and saw all the comments of "Savannah needs to get her sh*t together" and "Savannah needs to lose some weight if she wants to compete with those women." Wait, here's my favorite: "Savannah needs to stop looking so regular. She's going to be in South Beach." WHAT? Really? Admittedly, I laughed and shook my head when she and Lebron arrived in Miami and she had a doorag on her head (I read it was 3am when they got in) but not because I was thinking, "She'll never 'keep him' that way." Anyone who knows me knows that I have a thing about walking out the house with a doorag on my head. Lucky and I also briefly discussed that "Savannah #mightdontmakeit" down there - but not because of her looks. To our understanding (from reading an interview of a former player's wife), Miami is a different beast and the groupies are hardcore.
But why should Savannah have to physically change her look just because the groupies will be crawling out at a more swarming rate than when he was in Cleveland or because his money might be longer? If the man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat - no matter how good Savannah looks, how dope or expensive her clothes are, how well she cooks, or how HARD she puts it down in the bedroom. He'll do what he wants...if he wants to (and this is not to say he currently is or will) and nothing she does can stop that. They've been together when they both wore Guess jeans and flannel shirts (I'm stereotyping and in my head, that's what they wore in Akron during their HS years)
In fact, why should any woman HAVE to do that? So you meet a man that's universally FINE. HE pursued, you let him and you BOTH liked what you saw on the surface and beneath. Now when people see you, they may say "He dresses NICE all the time? She dresses down - what would he want with her," but is that really necessary? Sure, there may be some aesthetics that to the naked eye that are different but that's why you look deeper. I'm the type of woman that dresses up sometimes, wears jeans/sneakers most the time and am cute ALWAYS - so if someone is with me and he's more "clean cut" than you'd expect ME to have its because there's something more there. When you get with someone, you know what you're getting into. So while you may yearn for something different, you can't change a person and they shouldn't be subjected to have to "upgrade" because their significant other is wealthy or fine (but yes, clean up for a special event - even if its your own style).
Really? Savannah's got to step her game up to compete for her man? The one she's been with for close to a decade?
Let's discuss.
Savannah. Savannah Brinson, to be exact. Still not ringing a bell? Well, she is Lebron's long time girlfriend and mother of his two sons. They're roughly the same age (though she might be a year younger) and from what's known, they've been together about 6-7 years. High school sweethearts, she's been with him since he was a scruffy kid with no money and years later, she's with the scruffy young man (minus his appearance on ESPN to announce "the decision" - did you see that SHARP line) who has millions of dollars. He's leaving "working class" Cleveland to head down to Miami - home of the pretty beaches and hot women.
All of a sudden, its time for Savannah to "step her game up." I read message boards and blogs all weekend and saw all the comments of "Savannah needs to get her sh*t together" and "Savannah needs to lose some weight if she wants to compete with those women." Wait, here's my favorite: "Savannah needs to stop looking so regular. She's going to be in South Beach." WHAT? Really? Admittedly, I laughed and shook my head when she and Lebron arrived in Miami and she had a doorag on her head (I read it was 3am when they got in) but not because I was thinking, "She'll never 'keep him' that way." Anyone who knows me knows that I have a thing about walking out the house with a doorag on my head. Lucky and I also briefly discussed that "Savannah #mightdontmakeit" down there - but not because of her looks. To our understanding (from reading an interview of a former player's wife), Miami is a different beast and the groupies are hardcore.
But why should Savannah have to physically change her look just because the groupies will be crawling out at a more swarming rate than when he was in Cleveland or because his money might be longer? If the man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat - no matter how good Savannah looks, how dope or expensive her clothes are, how well she cooks, or how HARD she puts it down in the bedroom. He'll do what he wants...if he wants to (and this is not to say he currently is or will) and nothing she does can stop that. They've been together when they both wore Guess jeans and flannel shirts (I'm stereotyping and in my head, that's what they wore in Akron during their HS years)
In fact, why should any woman HAVE to do that? So you meet a man that's universally FINE. HE pursued, you let him and you BOTH liked what you saw on the surface and beneath. Now when people see you, they may say "He dresses NICE all the time? She dresses down - what would he want with her," but is that really necessary? Sure, there may be some aesthetics that to the naked eye that are different but that's why you look deeper. I'm the type of woman that dresses up sometimes, wears jeans/sneakers most the time and am cute ALWAYS - so if someone is with me and he's more "clean cut" than you'd expect ME to have its because there's something more there. When you get with someone, you know what you're getting into. So while you may yearn for something different, you can't change a person and they shouldn't be subjected to have to "upgrade" because their significant other is wealthy or fine (but yes, clean up for a special event - even if its your own style).
Really? Savannah's got to step her game up to compete for her man? The one she's been with for close to a decade?
Let's discuss.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I Love You - Here's a...Plate?
Some friends and I got together for a 4th of July bbq in my second home of Harlem at the park. Whilst we were basking (and baking) in the sun, our hostess Precious introduces us to a friend of hers - affectionately describing him as her "brother." Now understand, many of us at the bbq are pretty close to her and we've never, EVER heard of this brother (and trust, we've heard of just about all the play cousins, play sisters, play brothers, god sisters and god brothers). We observe (and in a playful way, instigate) her with "brother" and a friend informs us that she fixed his plate. Ahhh, and here we go!
Ju: She MUST like him if she's fixing his plate.
B: That's the kind of thing you do for your man or someone you want to be your man.
Shelleys: Yeah, you don't just see that all the time.
Ju (again): But you know she's country. That's the South in her.
Me: I think its just her way.
B and Shelleys' comments are the one that strikes the cord. B continues to tell a story of how a friend (or maybe it was a family member - it was hot and I couldn't focus on small details) came over for a get together and when her mother asked her why she didn't fix him a plate, she told her mom "He has two hands and two feet - he can walk to get his own plate!" Her mom responded "That's why you don't have a man now!" We laughed but I thought about my own experiences and added: "I don't know if I've ever fixed a man I was dating a plate but I do know that when the FP and I went to a baby shower once, I asked if he wanted me to get his plate while I was getting mine." They responded, "Eh but you liked him." True. But my friend ShonDon was there and he confirmed that when he came to my house for a get together, I made a plate for him, his cousin and possibly other guys.
For me, that's just my way. I'll ask my homegirls if they want me to get them a plate too while I'm up or if they're at my place (but only up until the second visit because you know "the rule). I just think its proper. I don't even know if I think its something I should do for "my man." I talked to Lucky about it and we're on a similar page. I suppose it could be subjective depending on the person.
We could take it a step further and say this is a sign of society's male/female roles. A woman is supposed to "do" for her husband and much like back in the day where women were housewives, they had their husband's dinner on the table when he got home from work. Many like to dispute that because of the womens' movement, these gender roles don't exist. but how true is that? Could it be that even through the womens' movement (I could actually write a book on my feelings about that) and other progressive moments in history, we have still passed on certain things that show our domestic ways?
If you fix his plate, do you love him? If you fix his plate, are you setting the womens' movement back? If you fix his plate, are you just doing what comes natural to your personality?
Let's discuss.
Ju: She MUST like him if she's fixing his plate.
B: That's the kind of thing you do for your man or someone you want to be your man.
Shelleys: Yeah, you don't just see that all the time.
Ju (again): But you know she's country. That's the South in her.
Me: I think its just her way.
B and Shelleys' comments are the one that strikes the cord. B continues to tell a story of how a friend (or maybe it was a family member - it was hot and I couldn't focus on small details) came over for a get together and when her mother asked her why she didn't fix him a plate, she told her mom "He has two hands and two feet - he can walk to get his own plate!" Her mom responded "That's why you don't have a man now!" We laughed but I thought about my own experiences and added: "I don't know if I've ever fixed a man I was dating a plate but I do know that when the FP and I went to a baby shower once, I asked if he wanted me to get his plate while I was getting mine." They responded, "Eh but you liked him." True. But my friend ShonDon was there and he confirmed that when he came to my house for a get together, I made a plate for him, his cousin and possibly other guys.
For me, that's just my way. I'll ask my homegirls if they want me to get them a plate too while I'm up or if they're at my place (but only up until the second visit because you know "the rule). I just think its proper. I don't even know if I think its something I should do for "my man." I talked to Lucky about it and we're on a similar page. I suppose it could be subjective depending on the person.
We could take it a step further and say this is a sign of society's male/female roles. A woman is supposed to "do" for her husband and much like back in the day where women were housewives, they had their husband's dinner on the table when he got home from work. Many like to dispute that because of the womens' movement, these gender roles don't exist. but how true is that? Could it be that even through the womens' movement (I could actually write a book on my feelings about that) and other progressive moments in history, we have still passed on certain things that show our domestic ways?
If you fix his plate, do you love him? If you fix his plate, are you setting the womens' movement back? If you fix his plate, are you just doing what comes natural to your personality?
Let's discuss.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Finding A Way Back
"If I call you, would you call back so I could tell you that I miss you?"*
First thought I had when I heard this was, "Ummm...NO." Why would I call someone back that I was in a relationship that ended for whatever reason just to let them tell me they missed me? We obviously broke up for a reason and these things will inevitably be rehashed so why bother? Then as I thought about it and kept listening to the words that followed the initial question, I wondered if I should rethink my position.
I know of two people who were in a relationship for two years way back when (okay, just early 2000s) and because of immaturity levels on both sides, they broke up. Rightfully so. Fast forward to present day - they've both matured, gone through some good and bad things, and both seem to be in a better place now. In MY mind they're perfect for each other today. But they're exes. And exes are such for a reason, right? The two of them wouldn't be in a horrible place so if all things were aligned (okay, I left out the part that one of them is in a relationship now), would it be wrong for someone to reach to open the lines of the communication if that's what they felt?
I never rekindled anything with my ex (from many moons ago) because he was just way too corny. Even five years after we dated, he would reach out to me with a "Hey shorty, how you doing? I miss you." I'd gotten a cell phone by then to which he didn't have the number to so he would call my mom's house and I didn't recognize the number, so I would answer. Always polite, I would tell him "That's very nice but no thank you...I'm not interested." Before I would hang up, he would express his sadness over my response and I would reply "It's okay. It wasn't meant to be" and just hang up. Did I tell you this relationship lasted all of two months? Yeah, just to say I "had a man."
But really, are there any instances when an ex can reach back out trying to get that "old thang back" (which is virtually impossible and probably not smart considering you broke up)? Should exes be that way forever?
Let's Discuss.
*Note: Apparently my girl Jilly from Philly is performing a new song, "I Love You," on the Maxwell tour which is where the first line comes from. Its pretty dope.
First thought I had when I heard this was, "Ummm...NO." Why would I call someone back that I was in a relationship that ended for whatever reason just to let them tell me they missed me? We obviously broke up for a reason and these things will inevitably be rehashed so why bother? Then as I thought about it and kept listening to the words that followed the initial question, I wondered if I should rethink my position.
I know of two people who were in a relationship for two years way back when (okay, just early 2000s) and because of immaturity levels on both sides, they broke up. Rightfully so. Fast forward to present day - they've both matured, gone through some good and bad things, and both seem to be in a better place now. In MY mind they're perfect for each other today. But they're exes. And exes are such for a reason, right? The two of them wouldn't be in a horrible place so if all things were aligned (okay, I left out the part that one of them is in a relationship now), would it be wrong for someone to reach to open the lines of the communication if that's what they felt?
I never rekindled anything with my ex (from many moons ago) because he was just way too corny. Even five years after we dated, he would reach out to me with a "Hey shorty, how you doing? I miss you." I'd gotten a cell phone by then to which he didn't have the number to so he would call my mom's house and I didn't recognize the number, so I would answer. Always polite, I would tell him "That's very nice but no thank you...I'm not interested." Before I would hang up, he would express his sadness over my response and I would reply "It's okay. It wasn't meant to be" and just hang up. Did I tell you this relationship lasted all of two months? Yeah, just to say I "had a man."
But really, are there any instances when an ex can reach back out trying to get that "old thang back" (which is virtually impossible and probably not smart considering you broke up)? Should exes be that way forever?
Let's Discuss.
*Note: Apparently my girl Jilly from Philly is performing a new song, "I Love You," on the Maxwell tour which is where the first line comes from. Its pretty dope.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
A Kiss Is Still A Kiss
circa 1993
I'd had a crush on Rebel since I was 12 or13 and though he was the smartest boy in school (he was 15 or maybe 16 in the 8th grade), he was definitely the cutest. I would go home and fantasize about being his girlfriend. One time, I even wrote his name - with GLUE, no less - into the speakers of a small radio in my house. Once I wiped it off, you couldn't see that it spelled anything and I was able to blame it on me dropping glue while doing a project. BACK TO THE STORY. One day, my English teacher sent me upstairs to pick up something from another teacher and on the way back downstairs, I ran into Rebel. Keep in mind, he'd never, EVER said a word to me. But he walked up to me...and kissed me. I was shocked but this was MY moment in time so I kissed him back. Then, he started trying to feel my butt. I got scared. "Why is he trying to touch my butt," I thought. So in true Catholic schoolgirl fashion (yes, I went to Catholic school), I pushed him away and ran back to my class. We carried on with our "never speak to each other thing." I never told any of my friends at the time about my FIRST KISS. Consider yourselves lucky.
circa 1998
The Rock and I had been friends for a few months at this point, with hours of conversation complete with sexual tension and him telling me things in a language I couldn't understand. During our winter break (remember we went to college together), he came over to my house so we could "hang." We stood on the wall next to each other - I was nervous as hell - and then he kissed me on the cheek in order to, or so I think, loosen me up. I gave him a tour and when we got to the bedroom, I looked in the mirror, noticed and noted to him that I thought he was short. "I'm not that short...look," was the reply and then he kissed me. This. Was. It. THIS was the meaning of a real First Kiss. *When we first kissed I was surprised to get...that feeling...the kind you don't wash away with soap* There was a lot going on in that moment but between that particular kiss and those that followed that day and the other days he came over during break, I was being taught by a Master. This sounds over the top, I know, but it is so true. Brothers should thank that man if they knew who he was (yes, that's me giving myself a pat on the back, lol).
And you? Give us a look at your First Kiss. OR, your first kiss with the best kisser you've had. Share!
Note: Anybody know what song that italicized line is from?
I'd had a crush on Rebel since I was 12 or13 and though he was the smartest boy in school (he was 15 or maybe 16 in the 8th grade), he was definitely the cutest. I would go home and fantasize about being his girlfriend. One time, I even wrote his name - with GLUE, no less - into the speakers of a small radio in my house. Once I wiped it off, you couldn't see that it spelled anything and I was able to blame it on me dropping glue while doing a project. BACK TO THE STORY. One day, my English teacher sent me upstairs to pick up something from another teacher and on the way back downstairs, I ran into Rebel. Keep in mind, he'd never, EVER said a word to me. But he walked up to me...and kissed me. I was shocked but this was MY moment in time so I kissed him back. Then, he started trying to feel my butt. I got scared. "Why is he trying to touch my butt," I thought. So in true Catholic schoolgirl fashion (yes, I went to Catholic school), I pushed him away and ran back to my class. We carried on with our "never speak to each other thing." I never told any of my friends at the time about my FIRST KISS. Consider yourselves lucky.
circa 1998
The Rock and I had been friends for a few months at this point, with hours of conversation complete with sexual tension and him telling me things in a language I couldn't understand. During our winter break (remember we went to college together), he came over to my house so we could "hang." We stood on the wall next to each other - I was nervous as hell - and then he kissed me on the cheek in order to, or so I think, loosen me up. I gave him a tour and when we got to the bedroom, I looked in the mirror, noticed and noted to him that I thought he was short. "I'm not that short...look," was the reply and then he kissed me. This. Was. It. THIS was the meaning of a real First Kiss. *When we first kissed I was surprised to get...that feeling...the kind you don't wash away with soap* There was a lot going on in that moment but between that particular kiss and those that followed that day and the other days he came over during break, I was being taught by a Master. This sounds over the top, I know, but it is so true. Brothers should thank that man if they knew who he was (yes, that's me giving myself a pat on the back, lol).
And you? Give us a look at your First Kiss. OR, your first kiss with the best kisser you've had. Share!
Note: Anybody know what song that italicized line is from?
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Tell Me Again: Lovers or Friends?
Last week I was reading Pearl Cleage's I Wish I had a Red Dress. The main character, Joyce, asked her best friend, Sister (who's a minister, fyi) if she thought men and women could be just friends. Sister said she'd had this discussion before and decided that the answer YES but one of the following situations was going on within the friendship:
(1) acknowledged sexual attraction on both sides and it's only a matter of time before friends become lovers, unless there's an honorable reason why they shouldn't such as health or a serious prior commitment;
(1) acknowledged sexual attraction on both sides and it's only a matter of time before friends become lovers, unless there's an honorable reason why they shouldn't such as health or a serious prior commitment;
(3) there's no sexual attraction present on either side in which case the friendship will quickly run its course since in most cases the only reason people cross gender divide is if there are sexual opportunities present. If not, you'd be better hanging w/ same sex friends. And finally;
(4) sexual attraction on both sides but the parties for whatever reasons have been unwilling or unable to express it so they sublimate all the energy into shared work experiences that keep them in close contact til they figure out how to get together.
So I stopped and thought about this for a minute. HARD. I can name two men that I'm platonic with (minus some innocent flirting) that fit one or more of those scenarios. But for a lot of reasons, we just keep it moving. In one case, we've crossed the line in the past but we've come back to the safe side of the shore . Actually, I think that's just how the chips have fallen but if we shake them up again, things could be different. So are we really platonic?
Then, I have some very platonic male friends where lines have never, EVER been crossed. There are a couple of them that I believe have never had any sexual interest in me. There are others that I think, if given the opportunity, would sleep with me. I, on the other hand, have never had any interest in these men. Truth be told, I don't think that any of those guys fall into any of the aforementioned scenarios. But is that "the real" or is that just the girl in me who would like to believe that?
So what do you think? Is Sister right? Are her situations the only way heterosexual men and women can be friends?
I'm still pondering. Let's discuss.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Check, Check and CHECK!
So, three weeks ago, VH1 premiered, "What Chilli Wants" which follows the "new" dating life of TLC's Chilli. She has a list of what she WANTS in a man and based on the introduction of the show, she isn't willing to compromise much. What's on the list? Here are a few things:
I wondered why people were so "mad" about this list. Women and men, to my knowledge, generally have always had standards that they've tried to keep when they feel they've reached a certain level where they believe they're deserving of a certain type of person. I don't know anyone who has NEVER had a list in mind of the person they wanted or, more importantly, a person they needed. Sure, those things are usually more about the QUALITY of the person but notwithstanding the same, they had a list. I've always had a list in mind and while I've definitely compromised on the outer appearance (my tall, football build preference has been known to change from time to time but I do try to stick hard to the "tall" part), its actually helped in knowing what I need and don't need from a man. I don't neither need nor want perfection and the more important things on that list are more of an internal thing within a man's being. Now will Chilli, any woman, any man, or myself get everything on that list? That remains to be seen. Just because you have an idea of what you think you want, what you really need may come in a different package altogether. But a list? Hmmm, yeah I get it.
I'm a strong believer that if you can provide something, you should be able to ask for it in return. So if Chilli can manage to be everything on her list (minus "PACKING," which then should equate to her being a straight up freak), is it asking too much for her to receive it in return?
What's wrong with a list? Let's Talk.
Note: I saw the second episode and I was kind of turned off by her behavior with Dolvett. The idea of her having a list almost didn't make sense because she halfway didn't apply it. My blog "argument" still stands though.
- He must be FINE (in the South, "fine" is a definition for a cute face AND a great body);
- He can't be too young;
- He has to be spiritual;
- He can't eat pork;
- He can't drink or smoke;
- He has to be sensitive and caring and finally;
- He must be PACKING (for those who want to act like they don't know - he has to have a big penis
I wondered why people were so "mad" about this list. Women and men, to my knowledge, generally have always had standards that they've tried to keep when they feel they've reached a certain level where they believe they're deserving of a certain type of person. I don't know anyone who has NEVER had a list in mind of the person they wanted or, more importantly, a person they needed. Sure, those things are usually more about the QUALITY of the person but notwithstanding the same, they had a list. I've always had a list in mind and while I've definitely compromised on the outer appearance (my tall, football build preference has been known to change from time to time but I do try to stick hard to the "tall" part), its actually helped in knowing what I need and don't need from a man. I don't neither need nor want perfection and the more important things on that list are more of an internal thing within a man's being. Now will Chilli, any woman, any man, or myself get everything on that list? That remains to be seen. Just because you have an idea of what you think you want, what you really need may come in a different package altogether. But a list? Hmmm, yeah I get it.
I'm a strong believer that if you can provide something, you should be able to ask for it in return. So if Chilli can manage to be everything on her list (minus "PACKING," which then should equate to her being a straight up freak), is it asking too much for her to receive it in return?
What's wrong with a list? Let's Talk.
Note: I saw the second episode and I was kind of turned off by her behavior with Dolvett. The idea of her having a list almost didn't make sense because she halfway didn't apply it. My blog "argument" still stands though.
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