Loving Bad To Love Good

"Brothers, a woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. Be the good one." -Bishop Dale C. Bronner


A college friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status and as I finished reading it, I leaned back to think about it. Some people agreed and after about 20 minutes or so, I responded that I don't know that I agreed with that. I do believe that there is often times truth in the saying that sometimes "You have to kiss many frogs before you kiss your prince." But even in saying that, it doesn't mean that those "frogs" were bad guys. In fact, many women come across good men who just weren't good men for THEM (yes, that exists: not every good man/woman you meet is the person for you...and please throw them back in the water for the person they're meant for to catch them). I've seen this happen many times with friends of mine and they openly admit that maybe they just weren't ready for the person or vice versa.

Yes, there are bad men. Yes, we as women date them sometimes. Every now and then we don't realize they're "bad men" and other times, we ignore the clear signs that they are not good men. Not for us or even our worst [female] enemy/ Well maybe for her but I'm keeping it positive so yeah, not for her either. And yes, bad guys that we choose to date or sleep with or whatever we do with them serve a purpose at times. Maybe its because after all is said and done we need to be able to say, "What in the world was I thinking?" Perhaps its because we feel we need a little excitement. Sidenote: Spare me that "excitement" bit - at some point you can find excitement in even the nicest and lowkey guy. Or, we need to be broken off a lil something and even if you don't like "bad guys," he is the one who came along who you let put it down one good time and you feel the need to be hooked for a minute. So yeah, there's a purpose. Sometimes.

But here's where I disagree with the Bishop: I don't at all believe that women HAVE to love a bad man once or twice in order to be able to be thankful for a good man. As I've already acknowledged, sometimes men come around for different reasons. But let's focus on the woman - let's give credit where its due and not group everyone: There are level headed women in the world who have always been able to recognize good men and know that that's what they want in their lives. I've met them in the past and I know them current. There are women who, even if they're single now, have loved really good men in the past and even though they aren't with them anymore, there's not much bad to say about them. Some women had fathers or father figures in their lives that treated them so well and showed them what it was like to be treated like a lady that, as long as they can help it, they wouldn't date a man who showed them any less than the respect the have for themselves. Other women didn't have positive fathers or father figures in their lives but turned that negative into a positive for their future relationships. These examples of women go to show that you don't have to love a bad man to be thankful for a good one.

So yes, some of us will make a choice to continue to deal with the bull from some men (and I'm talking about the "Girl, seriously...you're REALLY dealing with that?" bull) and until we look INWARDLY, that's all we'll attract and be attracted to. No good man will really change that because to appreciate anyone or anything, you have to change your own mindset.

Sorry, Rev...I disagree.

Let's discuss.

Marriage, Babies & a Change of Mind

I was having a conversation with friends about relationships and children. We have a friend who is in a serious relationship with a man who has been raising children for quite some time now. She, on the other hand, does not have any children yet and presumably wants some. One friend raised the question of whether or not he would even want anymore children since its been years (and perhaps because he doesn't want to be an "old" dad with a small child/children) since he's had to run behind kids. I maintain that because their relationship is so serious, they've likely had the discussion about marriage and having more children. I am of the opinion that when two people are considering getting very serious about their commitment to one another (whether they're deciding to be exclusive or they're beyond that and considering marriage), this is one of those very important topics to be discussed.

One of the things I got in response was, "But why do you HAVE to talk about that?" Admittedly, I was stumped because I was shocked by the rebuttal so I asked my friend to explain a bit further. Simply put, she feels that while it might be "smart" to talk about children and whether or not one or both party wants them, a person can change their mind at any time and that conversation can be right out the window. "So let's say you're married and at the time you both wanted kids," she says, "but after that year or two of being married, one of you decides that you like things the way they are and don't want children. Then what? Its like, what was the point of ever talking about it if someone has changed their mind?" My response is that we need to seriously discuss if we're at a crossroads with this because if one person has decided to change their mind (and a change of mind is a person's right) and the other hasn't, this could be a deal breaker. She further states that the person in the relationship who wants children - and this is all prior to marriage but in the getting to know you stage or committed stage - should not say
anything and the other person, if they DON'T want children, should be the one to speak up first. Why? Because if pregnancy should occur and the person who didn't want children finds themselves upset about it, the response can be, "Well, you never said you didn't want children."

I laughed because the SENTENCE was funny to me - the idea behind all of that didn't fully sit well with me. Yes, I believe people are allowed to change their minds about anything and I wouldn't dare try to change it back - makes no sense, probably won't work and even if it does, there will be resentment - but there's possibly a lot riding on something like this. First, these are important discussions to be had before marriage (even if someone's mind changed later) to at least see if you're somewhat on the same page; if you're not, the discussion would move on to see if there's something here that you still need to pursue. Second, I wouldn't want to play the "but you never said xyz" game. Finally, if we get to the point of marriage and afterward your mind changes, this MIGHT be a deal breaker. We might have to divorce. Maybe not but the conversation has to be had so that we know what we're dealing with.

So in a committed relationship (I'd like to solely say marriage but that's not for everyone and I recognize/respect it) where there is love, deep feelings and all "caught up-ness," what if a person just ups and changes their mind about what you both wanted in life and with each other?

Let's discuss.

My Apology

Over the past few months I've regained a sort of affection for General Hospital. Two of the characters, Robin and Patrick, are sort of at an impasse because of a prior indiscretion: Patrick cheated on Robin with a friend, Lisa, from college (they are all doctors, by the way, at the same hospital). According to Patrick, it was a one time thing; he's apologized profusely and has continued to profess his love for Robin and their family (they have a 2 year old daughter). Up until recently - and this storyline has been going on since about July 2010 - Patrick was apologizing for his infidelity every chance he got and every time Robin got mad she'd scream something to the effect of, "Go tell it to LISA." At the same time, however, Robin was still considering reconciling with Patrick because she still loves him.

This got me to wondering: How long is a person to continue apologizing for something that they did which was wrong? It is no secret that I do not condone cheating of any kind and pretty much believe more often than not, a person is only sorry because they got caught (Patrick only admitted his infidelity because Lisa is actually crazy and was stalking them, breaking into their home, etc., and Robin didn't know why they were being targeted). But if a person is seemingly apologetic - putting my feelings about that to the side - why keep taking them through the ringer? It would seem to me that by allowing them to continue to apologize, you might be running the risk of hearing someone say "I'm sorry" more times than they actually are; they might be just saying what they think you want to hear.

Further, if (and let's stick with cheating here as the focal point) the person who was wronged is considering reconciliation, what is the point of making them feel like they have to keep apologizing and/or throwing the indiscretion in their face? If forgiveness is granted AND you say "let's work this out," how is that genuine by throwing something like that in their face? Have their apologies and their actions going forth not proven to be enough? Is it that you need to hear the words to make sure that's how they really feel? Does that even make sense?

Doesn't a person ever get sick of HEARING "I'm Sorry?"

My question is: Is Saying "Sorry" - including actions to encourage that - ever enough?

Let's Discuss.

Music Snob: The (Wo)Man & the Music

Its been a minute - a LONG minute since I've blogged. I know and I apologize. I appreciate you all checking for me though. Now, let us move on...got something to say. And it MIGHT be long.

Robert Kelly. AKA R. Kelly...aka The R (or Arrah)...aka the Pied Piper...aka Kellz. Whatever you want to call him, R. Kelly has a new album called "Love Letter." I gave it a listen over the weekend (its in stores now) and though I'm not what you would call fan of R. Kelly right now, I fully admit that the cd is really good. REALLY good. It almost makes me...like him again. Let me go back.

When the rumors - and subsequently, the video - came out about him with the 13 year old girl, I was totally disgusted. As a HUGE fan, it really disheartened me to know that a grown ass man would have any type of sexual relations with a child. Before you start to comment before you finish reading, I'm fully aware that some of our past great artists have had their own share of troubles - some with young girls as well. I don't discredit that point; but to be honest, they weren't in my era and I wasn't an "in the moment" fan like I was with Kellz. I have quite the problems separating music from the person, especially those who are relevant in so far in my lifetime. Me and Alicia Keys? Nah, not much of a fan anymore. Kanye and his antics? Eh, we go back and forth because sometimes his asshole-ishness is too much for me. There are others (I think, and it isn't even limited to music) but you get my point. So to be honest, it kind of hurt that I knew I wouldn't be much of a fan after that whole situation.

If I'm being honest, I've "Stepped in the Name of Love" a few times over the years but in those few moments, I just heard a good beat. Overall though, even when hearing his old music, I couldn't listen to it the same. I honestly would see him as a different person. The new music (which was mostly bad to be honest) I just couldn't even stomach. I've had my share of discussions on why I cannot listen to TP2. Com or The Chocolate Factory anymore. A few of my friends disagree with me. But it is my truth and I stand by it. R. Kelly and I were no longer in music love and we couldn't even be associates.

Until I heard "Love Letter" this weekend. This cd takes me right back to Chocolate Factory. The entire vibe is back to R. Kelly basics. Gone are the braids. Gone is the middle-aged man trying to act like he's 25 and kick it with the rappers. Gone are all the "r&b" songs that sound like rap songs. Praise the music Gods that the "Trapped in the Closet" era is gone. This cd is real music in classic Kellz vibe. To quote the end of his song "Number One Hit," ...My Elvis and Priscilla/My Michael Jackson Thriller/...my Titanic..my movie star...my Coming to America...my Avatar..." That is the Kelly we remember and I've to say, I'm glad to see the change.

So I'm conflicted. The cd almost makes me want to say "Alright. I don't 'forgive' his wrong but can I put the the MAN to the side for the sake of the music?" I think all too often people are just absolutely too forgiving b/c whatever the wrong was didn't happen to them or their family. But this cd is...calling me. Some of you may find this hilarious but I really think about things like this because I somehow turn this into a thing of "What type of person does it make ME to just act like it didn't happen?" I just don't know.

Not ready to call a truce yet (not that he cares) but if his next album is GOOD, we'll revisit.

Marriage: From The Mouths of Men

Obviously, I'm not a man. As a woman, I don't believe that we can think for men nor should we try and vice versa. I believe we should do the best we can to have clarity in our own relationships. That's about it.

That said, I wanted to know what some of the men I know think about marriage. Most are single and dating while another is engaged. Finally, I know a man who's been married 18 years and to hear him speak, they're like newlyweds. These are THEIR words, only edited for brevity (but not ruining the integrity of what they've said) and grammar. Its their truth. It might get a little lengthy but there's some good stuff here & might spark another post later. SO the question was: Do you want to get married? If so, why?

M.O.B, mid-20s: No time soon...would be nice to eventually get married but probability of it happening the correct way is not in favor. Ducks must be lined up and everything fall into place beforehand. So to answer your question, don't think so. *Clarity to ducks must be lined up* Both must compliment each other somehow. Finances are #1, admit it or not. Trust, security, respect, and health.

G, early 30s: Yes, I would like a family and if I were to have children, it would be by my wife.

Kane (engaged to one of my SisterFriends/Wondertwin), mid 30s: I look at Lucky and I love her like Neo and Trinity ("The Matrix"). I would fight to the end for her. Even though we're different in some ways, she helps keep my Universe balanced. I loved her from the first time I saw her and thinks she's just as beautiful as the first day I saw her. As far as getting married, I can’t see myself with anyone else. She holds me down and my two boys. Well OUR two boys. We have great conversations and talk about anything. One great thing is she makes me laugh so much. I love coming home to her. It’s nothing like working all day and she's at home and I get to see her beautiful face. I kiss her when I leave and when I come home - that’s the best part of the day. At the end of the day it is no option for me whether I would be marrying her. I always knew that. Almost instantly. I would be playing myself if I don’t. It’s all love

Bread, early 30s: Not really but I will have to because I don't want my kids to possibly feel weird or under-served. I would get married if we could have regular threesomes or I could have a random sex partner outside the marriage every now and then. I like sex too much and I usually get bored with one person after like a year. I don't believe in the feasibility of monogamy...I think it goes against nature, but society forces us to do it...thus a 50+% divorce rate.

Aston, late 20s: I think I do. I don't see it happening or want it to happen any time soon. I assume later on I would want to. After I'm stable with a career, maybe a condo or house and traveled a few places then I would evaluate again how I feel about marriage. Why do I want to get married? Honestly IDK...but I know why I wouldn't: (1) I'm worried that the relationship would get stale/boring and (2) If we're not legally married then there's no ugly divorce process and paperwork - both of us can just leave. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with one person so that's not a reason why I wouldn't get married.

FP (paraphrased - it was late when I heard this so please don't kill me. This was the gist of what he had to say), early 30s: Yes, I would like to get married to the right person when the time is right. I've been in fulfilling relationships in the past with women who've had great qualities and so I know what its like to be with someone who satisfies you on different levels. A person who shares your ideals and where there's a mutual trust and respect are some of the basics for a successful type of marriage. I'd also like to have children and I'd like to do that with my wife.

Lion (married 18 years), early 40s: I was always taught to respect women and put women on pedestals. I can count the number of relationships I've had on one had from my late teen years through my early 20s before I started dating the wife. I knew her for awhile before we started dating. Oncee we started and fell in love, we realized how much we had in common. It didn't take us much longer before we had "the talk" where we discussed our intentions, desires and future plans. So, the short answer to why did I get married is: we decided together that we were ready to take that step since we were in love, serious about our commitment, and were ready to move on and put in the work to make the union last forever.

Let's Discuss.

Who's Mad?

"I may sound bitter/I’m a little bitter/ Just a little bitter/because you were with her..."

Well that's putting it mildly, Marsha. I don't know if you've heard this song by Marsha Ambrosius (former member of Floetry *le sigh*) but the title "I Hope She Cheats On You (With a Basketball Player) has become a little topic of discussion in certain circles. Why? Marsha is...bitter. It seems as though one of two things happened here: (1) the man left her for another woman or (2) they broke up and she's found out that he's with someone else now. I'm going with the former because otherwise, is there a real need for the song? Plus, it just makes a better story.

Before I go on, let me also say that this topic also has to do with me having just finished reading Getting To Happy by Terry McMillian. It revisits our four friends from Waiting To Exhale and goodness, one of them is bitter. Not to ruin the book for anyone, that's all I'll say.

Moving on.

When a break-up occurs, especially when an outside party is involved, there's lots of anger. Seemingly even more anger than a break-up where two people have outgrown each other or some other reason. One party (or maybe, both) has chosen to avoid the issues and instead, go out to have some fun with someone else which results in extra problems. When the truth comes to the light, the cheated on person usually says something like "You're gonna get what's coming to you. Its called karma, muthaeffa!"

So to hear Marsha say "I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player," is saying "I hope she does to you what you did to me but with someone who is hotter than you." Is it bitter? Perhaps. Is it honest? In the moment - definitely. The reason is because they want you to feel the pain even worse. They want your pride and your confidence to be broken down in a way that you have never known. They want you to remember when you did it to them and to realize, "Maybe I deserved this."

How long do you let this go on though? Do you write a song? A book? A letter? Poem? Do you cry it out? Or even more dreadful, do you put yourself through the pain of keeping in contact with the person just to say angry things to them (no matter how true) until you're over it? And further, what if you have more than one relationship that ends because of infidelity? Do you have that bitter feeling for every failed relationship? Or worse, do you relive the old bitterness and add it to the new bitterness?

Questions I ask as I listen to songs like this. Let's Discuss.

Calling Me Out My Name

There aren't many neighborhoods in Brooklyn that aren't very active. Mine is no different. My particular block is split in half - one half of the block is extremely loud and the rest is pretty quiet. On the more loud end (and subsequently, the rest of the neighborhood), the conversations can be quite colorful and more often than not, no one is trying to hide what is being said. Even on the quiet end, the "entertainment" often reaches right in front of my window to give me everything tv can't at the moment.

But there's always a problem with the conversations I pass and hear on an almost daily basis: the disrespectful words that come out of some mens' mouths when they're talking to their wives/girlfriends/shorty.

Even worse is how the women allow themselves to be spoken to and treated. I have seen men say (and do) things that have been so cold and disgusting that no apology or "talking it out" could ever really make it better. But the women are always running behind the man to cry and say "Why would you say that to me," "Let's talk - you're just upset" and variations of the sort. Now I don't condone a woman being called out of her name or being treated like she's the bottom of her man's shoe and I recognize that some harsh words are spoken during arguments right in the moment. However, when a man can continuously speaking to his woman like she is the scum of the earth, it is time to turn it around and ask: Why keep blaming him?

It sounds good and plausible to see a situation where a guy is being disrespectful to his girl and always label him a dog or a jerk. He's probably both. As women, we do it more often than not and especially when it comes to defending our friends and the shenanigans of theirs significant others. But if we're being true friends, is it not important that we also help our friends (and OURSELVES) realize that we are continuing a trend in our relationships by allowing someone to disrespect and berate seemingly on schedule? There comes a time (and that time should be all the time) when you have to realize that you cannot change any other person but you can change your REACTION to how a person treats you.

So in addition to asking, "Who you calling a bitch," we should be asking ourselves, "Why'd I let you call me a bitch."

Discuss.