I Love You - Here's a...Plate?

Some friends and I got together for a 4th of July bbq in my second home of Harlem at the park. Whilst we were basking (and baking) in the sun, our hostess Precious introduces us to a friend of hers - affectionately describing him as her "brother." Now understand, many of us at the bbq are pretty close to her and we've never, EVER heard of this brother (and trust, we've heard of just about all the play cousins, play sisters, play brothers, god sisters and god brothers). We observe (and in a playful way, instigate) her with "brother" and a friend informs us that she fixed his plate. Ahhh, and here we go!

Ju: She MUST like him if she's fixing his plate.

B: That's the kind of thing you do for your man or someone you want to be your man.

Shelleys: Yeah, you don't just see that all the time.

Ju (again): But you know she's country. That's the South in her.

Me: I think its just her way.

B and Shelleys' comments are the one that strikes the cord. B continues to tell a story of how a friend (or maybe it was a family member - it was hot and I couldn't focus on small details) came over for a get together and when her mother asked her why she didn't fix him a plate, she told her mom "He has two hands and two feet - he can walk to get his own plate!" Her mom responded "That's why you don't have a man now!" We laughed but I thought about my own experiences and added: "I don't know if I've ever fixed a man I was dating a plate but I do know that when the FP and I went to a baby shower once, I asked if he wanted me to get his plate while I was getting mine." They responded, "Eh but you liked him." True. But my friend ShonDon was there and he confirmed that when he came to my house for a get together, I made a plate for him, his cousin and possibly other guys.

For me, that's just my way. I'll ask my homegirls if they want me to get them a plate too while I'm up or if they're at my place (but only up until the second visit because you know "the rule). I just think its proper. I don't even know if I think its something I should do for "my man." I talked to Lucky about it and we're on a similar page. I suppose it could be subjective depending on the person.

We could take it a step further and say this is a sign of society's male/female roles. A woman is supposed to "do" for her husband and much like back in the day where women were housewives, they had their husband's dinner on the table when he got home from work. Many like to dispute that because of the womens' movement, these gender roles don't exist. but how true is that? Could it be that even through the womens' movement (I could actually write a book on my feelings about that) and other progressive moments in history, we have still passed on certain things that show our domestic ways?

If you fix his plate, do you love him? If you fix his plate, are you setting the womens' movement back? If you fix his plate, are you just doing what comes natural to your personality?

Let's discuss.

Finding A Way Back

"If I call you, would you call back so I could tell you that I miss you?"*

First thought I had when I heard this was, "Ummm...NO." Why would I call someone back that I was in a relationship that ended for whatever reason just to let them tell me they missed me? We obviously broke up for a reason and these things will inevitably be rehashed so why bother? Then as I thought about it and kept listening to the words that followed the initial question, I wondered if I should rethink my position.

I know of two people who were in a relationship for two years way back when (okay, just early 2000s) and because of immaturity levels on both sides, they broke up. Rightfully so. Fast forward to present day - they've both matured, gone through some good and bad things, and both seem to be in a better place now. In MY mind they're perfect for each other today. But they're exes. And exes are such for a reason, right? The two of them wouldn't be in a horrible place so if all things were aligned (okay, I left out the part that one of them is in a relationship now), would it be wrong for someone to reach to open the lines of the communication if that's what they felt?

I never rekindled anything with my ex (from many moons ago) because he was just way too corny. Even five years after we dated, he would reach out to me with a "Hey shorty, how you doing? I miss you." I'd gotten a cell phone by then to which he didn't have the number to so he would call my mom's house and I didn't recognize the number, so I would answer. Always polite, I would tell him "That's very nice but no thank you...I'm not interested." Before I would hang up, he would express his sadness over my response and I would reply "It's okay. It wasn't meant to be" and just hang up. Did I tell you this relationship lasted all of two months? Yeah, just to say I "had a man."

But really, are there any instances when an ex can reach back out trying to get that "old thang back" (which is virtually impossible and probably not smart considering you broke up)? Should exes be that way forever?

Let's Discuss.

*Note: Apparently my girl Jilly from Philly is performing a new song, "I Love You," on the Maxwell tour which is where the first line comes from. Its pretty dope.

A Kiss Is Still A Kiss

circa 1993

I'd had a crush on Rebel since I was 12 or13 and though he was the smartest boy in school (he was 15 or maybe 16 in the 8th grade), he was definitely the cutest. I would go home and fantasize about being his girlfriend. One time, I even wrote his name - with GLUE, no less - into the speakers of a small radio in my house. Once I wiped it off, you couldn't see that it spelled anything and I was able to blame it on me dropping glue while doing a project. BACK TO THE STORY. One day, my English teacher sent me upstairs to pick up something from another teacher and on the way back downstairs, I ran into Rebel. Keep in mind, he'd never, EVER said a word to me. But he walked up to me...and kissed me. I was shocked but this was MY moment in time so I kissed him back. Then, he started trying to feel my butt. I got scared. "Why is he trying to touch my butt," I thought. So in true Catholic schoolgirl fashion (yes, I went to Catholic school), I pushed him away and ran back to my class. We carried on with our "never speak to each other thing." I never told any of my friends at the time about my FIRST KISS. Consider yourselves lucky.

circa 1998

The Rock and I had been friends for a few months at this point, with hours of conversation complete with sexual tension and him telling me things in a language I couldn't understand. During our winter break (remember we went to college together), he came over to my house so we could "hang." We stood on the wall next to each other - I was nervous as hell - and then he kissed me on the cheek in order to, or so I think, loosen me up. I gave him a tour and when we got to the bedroom, I looked in the mirror, noticed and noted to him that I thought he was short. "I'm not that short...look," was the reply and then he kissed me. This. Was. It. THIS was the meaning of a real First Kiss. *When we first kissed I was surprised to get...that feeling...the kind you don't wash away with soap* There was a lot going on in that moment but between that particular kiss and those that followed that day and the other days he came over during break, I was being taught by a Master. This sounds over the top, I know, but it is so true. Brothers should thank that man if they knew who he was (yes, that's me giving myself a pat on the back, lol).

And you? Give us a look at your First Kiss. OR, your first kiss with the best kisser you've had. Share!

Note: Anybody know what song that italicized line is from?

Tell Me Again: Lovers or Friends?

Last week I was reading Pearl Cleage's I Wish I had a Red Dress. The main character, Joyce, asked her best friend, Sister (who's a minister, fyi) if she thought men and women could be just friends. Sister said she'd had this discussion before and decided that the answer YES but one of the following situations was going on within the friendship:

(1) acknowledged sexual attraction on both sides and it's only a matter of time before friends become lovers, unless there's an honorable reason why they shouldn't such as health or a serious prior commitment;

(2)there's sexual attraction on one side only which unless handled carefully, can result in complicated fantasies, unrequited longings, serious bouts of denial and ultimately a busted friendship & broken heart;

(3) there's no sexual attraction present on either side in which case the friendship will quickly run its course since in most cases the only reason people cross gender divide is if there are sexual opportunities present. If not, you'd be better hanging w/ same sex friends. And finally;

(4) sexual attraction on both sides but the parties for whatever reasons have been unwilling or unable to express it so they sublimate all the energy into shared work experiences that keep them in close contact til they figure out how to get together.

So I stopped and thought about this for a minute. HARD. I can name two men that I'm platonic with (minus some innocent flirting) that fit one or more of those scenarios. But for a lot of reasons, we just keep it moving. In one case, we've crossed the line in the past but we've come back to the safe side of the shore . Actually, I think that's just how the chips have fallen but if we shake them up again, things could be different. So are we really platonic?

Then, I have some very platonic male friends where lines have never, EVER been crossed. There are a couple of them that I believe have never had any sexual interest in me. There are others that I think, if given the opportunity, would sleep with me. I, on the other hand, have never had any interest in these men. Truth be told, I don't think that any of those guys fall into any of the aforementioned scenarios. But is that "the real" or is that just the girl in me who would like to believe that?

So what do you think? Is Sister right? Are her situations the only way heterosexual men and women can be friends?

I'm still pondering. Let's discuss.

Check, Check and CHECK!

So, three weeks ago, VH1 premiered, "What Chilli Wants" which follows the "new" dating life of TLC's Chilli. She has a list of what she WANTS in a man and based on the introduction of the show, she isn't willing to compromise much. What's on the list? Here are a few things:

• He must be FINE (in the South, "fine" is a definition for a cute face AND a great body);
• He can't be too young;
  
• He has to be spiritual;
• He can't eat pork;
• He can't drink or smoke;
• He has to be sensitive and caring and finally;
• He must be PACKING (for those who want to act like they don't know - he has to have a big penis

Hmmmm. After the first episode premiered a couple of weeks ago, people (primarily women) were in a complete uproar saying that her list was completely unreasonable and its no wonder she can't find a man. That her list was impossible and she's asking for too much. Her friends on the show and dating coach, Tionna, believe the same thing. The intro of the show includes Chilli stating that she's not willing to compromise. Okay, girl - NO compromise? Last time I checked in on "girl talk," a man with a big penis does not equate to knowing what to do with it. I don't know that Tiny Tim could hit it just right either but I think my point is made. No pork? Ehh, I don't eat it either but I'm not mad at someone who does. She rations that here by saying, "I’m very healthy. I’m into eating right and there are just some things to me, when you talk about eating right, you shouldn't eat." Ummm, alright. So with these thoughts in mind, I think that those "Requirements" might be a little far-fetched.

I wondered why people were so "mad" about this list. Women and men, to my knowledge, generally have always had standards that they've tried to keep when they feel they've reached a certain level where they believe they're deserving of a certain type of person. I don't know anyone who has NEVER had a list in mind of the person they wanted or, more importantly, a person they needed. Sure, those things are usually more about the QUALITY of the person but notwithstanding the same, they had a list. I've always had a list in mind and while I've definitely compromised on the outer appearance (my tall, football build preference has been known to change from time to time but I do try to stick hard to the "tall" part), its actually helped in knowing what I need and don't need from a man. I don't neither need nor want perfection and the more important things on that list are more of an internal thing within a man's being. Now will Chilli, any woman, any man, or myself get everything on that list? That remains to be seen. Just because you have an idea of what you think you want, what you really need may come in a different package altogether. But a list? Hmmm, yeah I get it.

I'm a strong believer that if you can provide something, you should be able to ask for it in return. So if Chilli can manage to be everything on her list (minus "PACKING," which then should equate to her being a straight up freak), is it asking too much for her to receive it in return?

What's wrong with a list? Let's Talk.

Note: I saw the second episode and I was kind of turned off by her behavior with Dolvett. The idea of her having a list almost didn't make sense because she halfway didn't apply it. My blog "argument" still stands though.

Quality vs. Quantity

Gotta love Facebook sometimes.

I was on FB last night and I came upon my friend Far Rock's status update which read: "Do You REALLY have to know someone for YEARS in order to marry them?" Now my initial thought was, "Is he about to consider proposing to someone?" But my next thought was, "Thanks for the blog topic." Let's consider the options.

Two people meet and immediately find that they have a "connection." It's very strong, very real, and after maybe about 4-5 months, they decide there is no one else for the other and they should get married. For the sake of what some would consider "adults," let's age them 27-30. Some might argue that they haven't known each other long enough, that they're still in the "honeymoon" stage and haven't gotten to know they true essence of the other person, and/or that their significant other could be crazy and because you all haven't been together long enough, you haven't given it time to come out. Some would further argue that neither of you, in 4-5 months, have been able to go really "deep" with the person and find out what truly makes them who they are in such a short span. How could a marriage "stand the test of time" when the two people haven't even known each other long?

Two people meet and immediately they think, "Oh, he/she is real cool." They begin to casually date (which means, for those who don't know MY definition, that they see each other but are not mutually exclusive and are free to date others) for a few months - taking time to get to know each other and having fun. After a time period of keeping it "light," they decide that being exclusive with each other is what they both want and are now in a relationship. Though they've decide that this is what they both want, it doesn't stop them from getting to know one another. They haven't rushed to any hasty decisions but after 4 years (for the sake of Far Rock's question I had to put a few years on it), they're getting married. Some would say that they took the time to get to know each other as best they could (keeping in my that people are ever changing), see what made the other person tick and made them happy, see what the others' dreams were, etc. These two should be together forever, right?

Quick personal story: My parents knew each other for 6-8 months (as I can gather) before they were married. They were together for about 21 years, I believe. Granted, it was clear to me from an early age that they weren't a "fit" but for their own reasons, they made a way for all those years.

So what of it? In your world, is it conceivable that a marriage can last when the couple has only been together for a few months? In your eyes, is a couple destined to be together forever because they took the time to get to know each other?

Let's discuss.

Drenna Note: I don't THINK Far Rock is getting married. He better not be keeping secrets!

It Had To Be You

Circa '01

My friends and I were in New Orleans for either a stepshow or a football game (HBCU road trip - it had to have been one or the other). While in the French Quarters, we ran into one of our other friends and his cousin, NL,. Tall, locs, cute and one of those accents that make you drool. Yessss. Anyway, he and I became cool when a bug-a-boo would NOT leave me alone -he pretended to be my boyfriend. NL lived in New Orleans so we only hung out for those couple of hours. After we got back to school, we would pass pleasantries through his cousin until one day his cousin told me, "Here's his number - just call him." Ummm, no. I wasn't going to do that but hoped that I would see him again when I visited N.O. again. Unbeknownst to me, cousin gave NL my number and he called me first.

We would talk for HOURS about music, sports, dating, school life...whatever came to mind. It was fun. I would come in from step practice and right on cue, the phone would ring. My roommate/then best friend would say, "And there's your boyfriend calling." He wasn't but he made it very clear he liked me and why and vice versa. We just knew it wouldn't work being in college and trying to be in a long distance relationship. So we continued to be friends while liking each other.

Summer came. We talked just as much and still hadn't seen each other since that first time. He loved Puerto Rican culture and would always ask me to go to abc place to see if I could find xyz for him. He wanted Uptowns with the PR flag on it so he could watch the PR Day Parade on tv in them while waving the PR flag I sent him. Weird and funny...but it worked. My mother would even say, "I don't know...this might be the start of something good."

And then he mentioned his friend. He'd call me form time to time and say, "meant to call you back but I was at my homegirl's house and fell asleep. I didn't get up til __ o'clock this morning." Oh really? I had a problem with it but I didn't know what to do. I was even worse back then expressing myself than I am now so what'd I do? Write a letter. I told NL how it was always a little weird for me how he always "fell asleep" at her house and how it wasn't cool for him to tell me how much he liked me but was chillin overnight at his "friend's" house. Here's the kicker: At the end of the letter, I told him I didn't want to talk about what I'd written - just wanted to tell him. At 21, I still wasn't ready to have talks like that and especially not to someone who wasn't really my boyfriend. So, he acknowledged that he got the letter was "Ohhh okay cool" and changed the subject.

We never really spoke much after that brush off and after a couple more conversations, it ended completely. Just like that. I saw him two years later at his cousin's graduation. I saw NL from a distance so he never knew I saw him. He looked...different. Worn down...BEAT even. I told my friend, "There's NL. Looks like I dodged something with that one." He was with some girl and I was a-ok with that. It was only a few months that lasted with us. More of a phone rendezvous than anything.

But for about a year and a half, I'd off an on ask myself: Was he the one that got away? Was he one of my "soulmates?" Could that have been it?

That's my story...and that's all I've got on that one.

And You??