I like to believe I'm a strong person. I'm very clear-headed about most situations that I've been in and even when I don't want to, I prevail with something very...smart in terms of resolution. But I've also learned over the years that I am also fairly sensitive. Listen: I cry at tv shows and movies at the drop of a dime. Let someone say one sad sentence or the scene be emotional, I'm a wreck. I cry at the SAME scenes when watching "Antwone Fisher," Steel Magnolias" and during the scene when Will and Uncle Phil are having the one on one after Will's dad leaves on "Fresh Prince." So yes, I'm a crier at times. More emotional during fake things than I am during things that happen in my own life.
But when I do cry over something happening in my life, I get really upset at myself. While I've heard that crying can make you feel better (even though this says otherwise), I often come out on the other side of crying session - whether it be six or 60 minutes - feeling like a punk or weak. Then I'm mad that I allowed myself to get to that point. Crying in front of people? Forget about it. I might as well send myself to the guillotine if that happens. In my mind, it is not smart to let people see you cry because depending on the person, they use it against you. Don't get me wrong: I'm SLIGHTLY okay with crying in front of certain people because they only want the best for me. But still...I'd rather not. I wonder if this is part of being emotionally unavailable (which I'm not sure that I am or not..another topic, another day).
Oddly enough, I urge others to get out a cry if they need it. I don't say it to see them at a "weak point" because quite frankly, I don't find crying for others to be weak. Perhaps it's the part of me that always wants to help someone and make things better for them if I can. But for me and my problems...I'll figure it out.
NO TEARS ALLOWED.
Complicated Note: While I have been crying more than I'd like to admit lately (and actually let a couple tears slip in from of someone I TOTALLY shouldn't have), this post didn't come based on my random thoughts. I was actually watching Jersey Shore and Jenny was crying because her boyfriend couldn't come to Italy. While I was upset for her and felt like I'd cry in the same situation, I also thought "UGH, I'd feel like such an ass for crying so hard over that." I need to grow up.
2 comments:
I am the same way. I hate to cry...especially in front of people. I used to believe that crying meant I was weak. I am so grateful that I realized that I was wrong. Crying is good for my soul. I still am not comfortable crying in front of folks. But I give into crying alone whenever I need to. You gotta realize that crying is ok. Remember that.
I guess the strong black woman syndrome takes over sometimes. I too am the same way about crying. It often makes me feel vulnerable and it gives me the feeling of feeling like I am unable to maintain control over myself and my emotions. But I think we all have to realize...we are human! Life, people and situations will happen and hey why not shed a tear or two every now and again, if it means feeling just a tad bit better then why not. I chalk it up to I'm a work in progress. I guess I still have a lot of work to do.
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