Friday, September 26, 2008

What's It Gonna Be?

In having conversations at work, at bars, on the phone - wherever, you get the picture - with friends (primarily with my single, female friends), the discussion always comes up about what we look for in men. ALWAYS. My friends who are "women of a certain age" and my friends who are younger than me both generally want the same things: cute, financial and emotional stability, smart, down to earth, respectful, fun, etc. We know the rundown - no need to give it here Although I would like to point out that they may not be able to provide the things they as for in a man). I think that getting what you want from a potential significant other (PSO) is a nice thing. But getting what you NEED from a PSO is probably a beautiful thing. Imagine what your future relationship would look like then.

The idea of the needs vs. the wants originally came up for me in a convo with the FP. We were discussing somebody (like lil gossipers, LOL, though he'd probably never admit to gossiping with me) and how it was "cute" that she thought she should get ABC from a man but in reality, XYZ is what she needed and would help her evolve. Before that convo, I used the words interchangeably because I thought they were saying the same thing. But as I started listening to my friends and other people talk about what they want in a PSO and meaning knowing them well enough to know that whatever that description was wasn't TRUE, I started to distinguish the difference.

Those "wants" can probably take you on an endless list. Seriously, you'd probably going through pages and pages of looseleaf (hehehehe...haven't used that word in a long time) paper. It would probably start off with the physical features because hey, unless you've known the person for some time, that's the first thing you see. Then it might be something like, "He's gotta be funny, cool, outgoing, etc..." Whatever is on YOUR normal list when talking about your wants in a PSO. But one thing I've noticed about some friends that they may not know about themselves: That list is not honest to the core. Now, I don't at all mean that what's on that list isn't true as the first thing that comes to mind - absolutely not. What I'm suggesting is that they may not have gotten down to the core of THEIR being to decipher who they are (though we're always changing and growing) in order to be able to say what they NEED from a PSO. Oh, in case it wasn't clear, I've been here so I know WTF I'm talking about. LOL!

Once that's done and "the REAL" has come to the light, then you can be honest enough to let what you NEED from a PSO come forth. I tend to believe that this "list" will be shorter than your want list. I really believe it. Oh, the order may change too! The first thing on your list may now be how the person fills your spiritual or mental needs whereas how FINE he should be was NUMERO UNO on your "wants" list. See the thing about your NEEDS list is that it really speaks to the core of who you are. By seeing what you need in a PSO, it is almost explicitly showing who you are already or who you are striving to become. Its amazing how much you can learn about yourself when trying to relate to the opposite sex. Keep it real with may hurt but there can be a HUGE payoff.

You don't have to do it now if you're not ready. I thoroughly believe in my NEEDS list but because of the current state I'm in in terms of relationships (I'm not looking to be in a serious relationship - I just want to date), I play off my "wants" list more often than not.

But when you're ready to settle down, like FOR REAL FOR REAL...what's it going to be?



classygari said...

For Real For Real Brooklyn, I think that it is all about how you feel around that PSO. When you realize this then you will be able to finalize your list of wants and needs in that "person." You may know what want and what you need in someone, but at the end of the day I think it's all about how that "person" fits your needs and wants and how you deal with it.
Hope I didn't confuse you :-)

N.O. LADI said...

NEEDS trumps WANTS any day. This realization comes with age and maturity though. At 21, I desired all of my WANTS met. At 28, my NEEDS are more important than anything else. And I am so glad that I have grown up, cause there is no better teacher in life than self awareness!