Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Pick Yourself Up

*WAIT,,,before you start* I didn't realize this post was going to be so long until it posted. It does have a me. I just want you to get a visual!

Not quite sure if I've mentioned this yet but for someone in their late 20s, I don't have much experience in the dating stratosphere. I took an introductory crash course on the basics when I was in college with a friend turned "friends with benefits" and that has been through highs and major lows...on its way back up again. But other than that, I've just had small spurts of dating men here and there. The one thing I've learned is that you're supposed to just "bounce back" the way everyone says. But I being to wonder: Do I have that "snap back" as other women seem to?

Last year, I had an "episode" with a guy I'd been STRICTLY friends with for as long as I'd known him (for about five years). "Angel" was smart as hell. I mean, the most intelligent man I've ever met (and I know some extremely intelligent men). He was creative, funny, intense...and he was fine. Jesus, Mary, K-Ci and JoJo...he had eyes that looked like they were literally piercing into the very core of you. I had a crush on him for a long time but didn't say anything. Finally, back in '05 (maybe '04) I made my lil "crush" known and I very nicely, rejected. Apparently, X had recently gotten out of a relationship and said though he thought I was really cute and cool, he didn't want to rebound with me and ruin the friendship. He said he thought we should continue being friends and just see what happens. I'm the type who gets over crushes fairly quickly so after I got that off my chest, I was perfectly fine. Our friendship wasn't affected at all.

Fast forward to early last year. We hadn't spoken in a while which was fine because Angel and I always had the type of friendship that didn't require us to call each other all the time or hang out. In fact, we hadn't spoken in months and hadn't seen each other since forever! He called out of the blue one day and we got all caught up. His voice was always nice and it was just good to hear from him. After a couple of weeks, Angel invited me out to a concert because we hadn't seen each other in a long time and he thought I'd enjoy the show. Music? Harlem? Count me in!! I saw Angel when I got up there and though he was still cute, he'd become acquainted with homeboy braids and this atrocious beard. *PAUSE* I don't quite fair well with men 21 and over sporting homeboy braids. *CONTINUING* We had a nice time and then we went separate ways.

Few months later, we ran into each other at the Harlem Book Fair (yes, there's a trend: if my blood didn't bleed "Brooklyn," I'd probably be living there) and chilled for a couple hours out there. After that, we talked via text, with him always making sure I was enlightened by someone who could enrich my yearn to learn and also make sure I was well versed about the struggle of us black folk. Late August, Angel sent me some very "interesting" text messages that expressed his like for me and his "physical thoughts" about me. I was intrigued but he and I had played this flirtatious game for a long time and I told him, "You all about that talk, homie...and we can cut it if that's all we're going to do." *popping my collar for the assertiveness*

The point was well taken. Plans were made. And then, the deal was sealed. There was no change, so I thought, in our friendship. I'd had a death in my family and though it wasn't at all necessary for the situation, he was as supportive as he'd ALWAYS been in the time I'd known him. We still talked about everything. About three weeks later, he sent me a text saying that I "blew his mind" on many levels. Okay, cool. We made a plan for him to come over one day b/c I was cooking and blah, blah, blah. There was a time set and all and we'd spoken that very day. Lucky me, I had decided not to COOK the food until he got there. Good for me: he never showed up.

I'm a worrier - I thought he was hurt (lol, remind anyone of a story I just told...check my post, "We Don't Run..." ). I called, text, and emailed him to no avail, just to see if he was okay. Finally, I had to ask the one person I knew he knew if Angel was alright. "Oh he's fine...busy but I just spoke to him awhile ago." Oh yeah? After that, my emotions went everywhere you could go...just like a roller coaster. In April, our mutual friend told me that Angel had been through a lot and though I hated how he acted, my mind wouldn't let me feel happy that he was going through so much. So, I sent him one "goodbye forever" text to say that no matter what happened to our friendship (and I'm not sure what it was outside of him I guess being my friend for 5 years just to hit and run), I hope he's well and he gets through his hard times. I haven't heard from Angel in what will soon be a year.

To tie it all together to the first paragraph, I told this story because when I told friends about this situation, it became a "Well fuck him girl...his loss." That's something I TOTALLY agree with. But at the same time, I felt soft and pink about it all. Like, my feelings were really hurt though I think I masked it fairly well. Of course, I think its because I thought he was my friend and he did it dirty. LIC didn't hurt my feelings at all; I was/am just confused about it all and am trying to just get the hell over my confusion that it was, while running with and believing the notion of, "F*ck him girl...F*CK HIM." Side note: I'm just a really analytical person who will go over things in my head FOREVER until I come up with something that sounds plausible...even when there sometimes is no rhyme or reason.

But these things will happen in the dating stratosphere. Would I have been less "soft" about it had I had prior dating experiences and tragedies? What happens when/if something really bad happens with a guy I like? Damn, will I be torn apart like these chicks in movies? I don't at all believe I'm a lil punk over things that I can't change in people who weren't worthy of being in my presence in the first place. I need not give anyone that much power over my thoughts. These are just questions I'm asking myself.

As I sing to myself, "...Mama told one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...she told me it would happen when I was much older...wish it wouldn't happened then."

Name it.


LovinMe4Me said...

Hey Honey..Loving you blog and I was never one to do the blog thing.

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. Let's just stay been there done that and remixed it with Diddy.

Like many things in life these are lessons we must endure. Just continue being the 1derful person you are.


N.O. LADI said...

Girl, I am so like this as well. I may not show it but there are times when ish gets to me. I can def have the "F*ck him girl" attitude...but, as you know from "Talking" with me...thats easier said than done. But, he lost out on being a part of your life...behind sex! What part of the game is that?? Silly boy!