Sunday, January 3, 2010

The Vows: Making Them and Breaking Them

Happy New Year everyone!! I'm going to be way more regular on here and have a slew of topics waiting to be tackled. I need accountability partners (the FP came up with that) so if ya'll don't see me with two or more posts a week, hit me up on Twitter and light a flame up under my butt!

So I was watching "The Jacksons: An American Dream" last night and the scene in which Katherine caught Joseph on the phone with his mistress was on. She'd gone to her mother's house to clear her mind and the impression I got (unless the tv was really watching me) is that her mother wanted her to go on back home, forgive Joe, and just make the marriage work. I think, as I always do when I hear something like this, "So, that's just it, huh? Someone in the marriage cheats - someone breaks the vow - and you're supposed to just get over it?"

Let me start off by saying that I am all for marriage - completely, utterly and overjoyed for people who have found each other and ca stand before whomever they believe in, family/friends and most importantly, each other, to say "We are to be ONE." Now, in traditional wedding vows, the man/woman announce that they take their bride/groom to be their wife/husband and in which, they're "having and holding" and "cherishing each other" til death do them part. GREAT! *insert two thumbs up* In some vows, they also include forsaking all others and a slew of other things. Some who choose non-traditional vows may put some personal notes in there but some way or the other, they have the same general meaning. If that's the case, and you've made the vow to have and to hold, cherish them and forsake all others, why is it that if one breaks the vow, it's now up to the other person to make sure the rest of the vows (primarily the "in good and bad...til death do us part" part) are upheld?

This continues to confuse me. I've known men and women who've had their spouses cheat and everyone tells them, "You need to work it out. Remember the vows you took." I'm sorry, did the man/woman who cheated not take those same vows to be committed to their wife/husband? Why is it that now I'm (obviously not ME but you know what I'm saying) being held responsible for putting the pieces back together? Why is that even though I've lost the trust in the person, I still have to find some more so that we can "make it work?" Where does the man/woman who cheated play a role?

I've asked around and have been told by women, "Men are visual. It's usually just sex - if you can't forgive for one indiscretion then you weren't ready to be married in the first place." *le sigh* Is that it? Does it mean I was never ready for marriage if my husband cheats on me and I choose to not "let it go" and seek to not make it work for the both of us? See, I get confused because if someone cheats on you that one time that you find out about it, are you not now curious about if they've done it before and if so, how many times? Do you not wonder inf they're going to do it again? If you forgive the person for cheating (which by the way, I am NOT trying to suggest that people who have found out their spouse is cheating should just get a divorce - just working thoughts out in my mind), in my mind you CANNOT bring it up again. That's it, you're wiping your hands and slate clean to start from that point and move on.

Men have told me that if their wife cheats, that's IT. There's no going back, there's nothing to work out and in case you don't get the picture, I heard "Maaaaaan, F*CK THAT B!TCH!" Their initial thoughts (whether they go through with it or not) are to leave because their vows have been broken, he can no longer trust her, and she's a hoe. The contrast in response to the exact same situation is interesting.

So when someone says "I DO" and means it but the person who said "I DO" back meant it at the time but somehow lost their way, is it your responsibility to keep it together?

Let's discuss.

Note: I'm sure someone will bring up the topic of "but if they have kids" and that's fine. Include every point you want to make.


Anonymous said...

Whew this is heavy. Honestly, I think it's one own's ability to forgive and live with their decision to want to make the relationship work.

Life has a way of making us all deal with things that we say we may not deal with or cannot deal with. In fact, we all could say leave because of this and leave because of that for every partner that has done us wrong...Somehow I find that if we were to do that everytime someone did wrong we all would be some lonely and single people for life.

Perfection is not possible for any of us, but our level of tolerance and our ability to forgive will determine what is worth fighting for.

Just my thought.

K*Mack said...

I can't help but to laugh at the previous response. More specifically at "if we were to do that everytime someone did wrong we all would be some lonely and single people for life."

So does that mean we just deal with bullshit and just accept being mistreated for the sake of NOT being single? Does that mean that ppl have to lower their standards for the sake of not being "lonely?" There IS a such thing as being single and happy and NOT settling.

As far as marriage and vows. I think that in this day and age it's a fkn joke. Alot of ppl do it in the sense of a business deal. I mean, really? There are fewer people that I know of that actually do it bc of "love". I know ppl who have said that love would have to be involved but there are many other factors that are a bit more important than that.


Nowadays ppl say hey "if it doesn't work out... we'll just get a divorce."


If I was married, and I find out my husband cheated on me...There is no working it out. I am sorry. You took a VOW to be with me for life, not me and whomever you decide to sleep with bc we are having issues. It doesn't work like that and I will not be accountable for saving the marriage you know why? Bc he's a grown ass man and he should've thought about what was at stake. This goes both ways. Communication is KEY.

With that being said, it's not for everyone and it's highly unlikely that it's for me but people need to really sit down, analyze and discuss that a marriage is HARD work. Communication (again) is key and couples should discuss as much as they can about the many things that can happen in a marriage and how they will go about tackling issues and problems while still maintaining a HAPPY and HEALTHY union.

I take it very seriously and it angers me that ppl speak of it nowadays like its just going to be a party and it it don't work out they can just keep it moving. Divorce should not be an option...but as I said this kind of mindset has to be discussed.

Kenda said...

I take the idea and actuality of marriage seriously. Im not big on divorce. I can't say that if my HUSBAND cheating on me that I would just be prone to turn the other cheek and keep it pushing. I'm sure that I would exercise every avenue to address the situation and fix our marriage. I wouldn't stay witha serial cheater or a man who hits me. That is a no go. When I say those vows in front of God, my Pastor, and my family, I will mean it wholeheartedly. I thinkits why I havent gotten married as of yet. I lived through my Fathers affairs and outside kids and my parents subsequent divorce. It has affected me in more ways than I can say. Marriage is a big deal to me. Not ne to be entered into lightly.