Sunday, January 31, 2010

That's What Friends Are For...

...til you get a man.

A couple of weeks ago, Tamale asked, "Why is it that when your friends start dating someone, the friendship goes on the backburner?" To me, there was an obvious answer but as I started paying attention to the feedback, it seemed as though there were some very strong opinions to what was seemingly a simple explanation.

Here's the thing for me: When two people meet and think they have a "connection," the only way to know if that's real or not is to spend time together. So, if they don't hang out with their friends as much - especially in the "getting to know you" phase - that's to be expected. There are going to be plenty of times when that happens because it's something new and exciting and the possibilities just get you all soft and pink inside (for women anyway. Guys might be lowkey excited). All relationships need to be continuously nurtured but there's something to be said about the "newness" of a relationship. If people don't see their friends as much, primarily for like the first six months (to me) of a relationship, that's okay.

Not according to Tamale. Her opinion is that a friendship should never be placed on the backburner just because a relationship is new and people have a choice who they want to spend their quality time with. She also says the potential of "the booty" plays a big part in who gets quality time. Is it the fact that you can get sex from this person versus from your friends the main reason why you would choose to spend time with them over your friends? I've never thought about that option. It would SEEM that you could get sex whenever you wanted and wouldn't have to spend "QT" with a person to get that. Most of us can make a call and get worked out. But isn't the idea of "QT" is that it's more than just sex, particularly as we get older?

I've always thought that most friends should understand that because there's someone that's come into your life that you really like, you may not be around all the time. It's not that you're trying to be or are any less of a friend, its that you're just not participating in the "girls' night out" events or you're not going to go to the movies or sit around and talk about "where are all the good men." Hell, you MIGHT have one but need to spend some time with him to make sure your thinking is on the right track. Personally, I've had friends do it and there has been a time or two when someone in the circle has said "Ill, she dropping us for a dude?" My response? "YES and let her live. Yes, she's seeing someone and she likes him so they're spending time together. Give her some time to be able to get some balance back." I think that after six months or so, some type of normalcy will be regained and the friend might be able to balance all her relationships better. What's wrong with that?

Is it wrong to place friendships or the friendship events on the backburner when a possible new RELATIONSHIP arises? Can you call yourself a friend if you have a serious problem with someone putting their intimate relationship at the forefront for a little while?

Let's discuss.


Nita said...

I agree with you a hundred percent. Let a broad breathe! (to put it inelegantly). I'm always the single one, so I know and accept being put on the backburner for a while, but I also know that I have true friends who will always be there for me when I need them.
Now if it's been more than a couple of weeks/months and I haven't heard from a sista AT ALL-- then that's a problem. I understand that there will be "balance" issues, but her other relationships shouldn't totally cease when a man pops up in her life. All I'm asking for is a phone call, text, maybe a night out every once in a while. I mean, make sure I'm still alive please, damn. :)

N.O. LADI said...

ITA w/you, Drenna. It's normal for two people in a new relationship to shut out the world as they discover each other. I try my best to keep in touch w/texts, calls & emails. Real friends understand all the excitement that surrounds the newness of "love."

Ms. TT said...

To each his own, however I don't think its appropriate to put your friendships on the back-burner for new love. Life is all about balance and tomorrow is not promised to Any One. Most men aren't trying to move as fast as we are anyway. While I am looking for lifetime of love, relationships come and go if its real, he's not going anywhere so why front on whats been consistent.

Redbonegirl97 said...

My best friend did put our friendship on pause when she became involved with her now husband. I knew she was falling for him and spending more time with him but it got to the point where I never heard from her. She already lived about 2 hours away and it wasn't a like I could pop up anytime I wanted because now dude was around. Things have gotten better since they got married, but aside from any of that when we get together or talk we pick up right where we left off. There is no silence, only laughter, tears and great conversation. I miss my girl but where we are talking everyday or every 3 months we are still the best of friends.