I've been known to be a "good girl." When I ask why they say this, its because, "You just LOOK real innocent" or "You seem too...classy to be anything else." Well, alright. I'm not perfect and I know I've done a couple of things that don't make me happy, but otherwise, I do alright in my journey to "the gates." Either way, I'll take that "good girl" appearance thing. I like to think I was raised right and with some morals that kind of seep through my body. Therefore, when I've done wrong and do wrong, or what EYE consider to be "wrong," it eats at me.
A situation keeps presenting itself to me maybe every two months or so. From here on out the situation will be know as such (situation) or "it." It first came up back in like early June and I, by admission, have played into it...A LITTLE BIT...here and there. The situation can be fun - actually, more exciting than anything - seeing as though I first became aware of my thoughts in terms of it way before it became aware of me. I push myself to very close to the edge of the situation without actually going completely overboard. Why? Well, because there's another portion of the situation that I'm not too clear about and unless it BECOMES clear and to my liking, I just play only so far. Hell, even that's wrong but I call myself not doing anything bad because I only speak at/of/to (obviously I don't want to say it all so you choose the word you want so it makes sense to you) the situation. It may be fun but its risque(I have NO IDEA how to put an accent over a letter using this damn keyboard) and its NOT right based on the non-clarification of the other portion. Get it? Got it? Good. If not, DAAAAAAAMN...keep up and study reading between the lines for goodness sake.
I'd like to act on the situation. SERIOUSLY. But this business of regretting my actions and feeling bad really fucks with me. I was talking with my "board fam" about it a little and while some are like "You sure you'd feel bad? How do you know," others were like (primarily Lucky), "I feel you...I get." Lucky DOES understand because we agree on A LOT of life things. But it sucks, a little bit, to always WANT to do the right thing. I don't have to do the right thing...I jsut WANT to. It's so much easier to just "do what you want" and "live a little" and hell, it sounds good. But dammit if it ain't HARD AS HELL to live your life somewhat right!! Now hell, everybody is doing SOMETHING wrong in life but I do not want to do something that, contrary to "popular belief," is obviously not right. So, I tried to put a clamp on the situation without completely ridding of it due to other VERY important reasons. We'll see how that works.
When am I going to be able to do something CRAZY...and NOT feel bad? Real Talk...I need to KNOW. I want to knwo when I'm going to do something and be like, "OH WELL OH WELL. Yeah girl...you DID that shit." LOL!! When all you know is RIGHT, can you ever JUST throw caution to the wind??
Should you even want to? Would I ever want to? Is it ever even worth it...in the bigger scheme of things?