The CHICKEN...or the PRINCE???

circa '99 or '00...probably '00.

My family bought our first computer in 1997. I was so excited because being a night owl, I knew I'd be up surfing the internet and just playing around on the computer. The first chatroom I ever joined was through ESPN because of my love for sports. Every night, I'd join in on the conversation for at least three hours (yes I had school in the morning and YES, my parents hated me staying up so late but I was always in school on time) with what was mainly a bunch of guys. It was never weird because they really only talked about sports and school (some of them were in high school and others were in college).

I met ChknPrnce in that chatroom. He was a really cool guy from Jersey and we instantly became e-friends. He was at least 10 years older than me but it didn't matter because we were just buddies. When I went off to college and we couldn't IM each other on the regular, he'd email me, I'd email him, and we kept up with each other's lives. We never saw pictures of each other but I described myself to him (the same as the pic you see in the profile but with permed hair) and described himself to me (Bahamian, 6'2" or 6'3", 210 lbs, brown skin, low hair cute, women said he was an average looking guy). He would tell me about work problems (too much work and not enough time to do it but well paid) and women problems (he had one friend in particular that he really liked and she liked him but they could never get on the same page) and in turn, I'd really just talk about college life in Mississippi.

After about three years, during an afternoon online convo (we'd spoken on the phone plenty of times by them, moreso when I was home) during summer vacation, I suggested we meet since he was coming into the city. I figured it was time that I meet my homie that I'd been talking to for years. He agreed and said he'd come by my house to pick me up and we could just hang out for a couple hours. I told him to park closer to the end of the block (so he wouldn't know which building I was coming from - I'm not crazy) and I'd meet him at his car. Once I got outside, I only saw one white, Ford Taurus (he told me he was in a white car) double parked and thought, "Hmmm, that's odd. It looks VERY old...I thought he was well-paid at his job." Some may call me bougie but I BEG OF YOU to believe that this was a red flag.

You do remember my physical description of ChknPrnce, don't you? Well, as I walked to the car, it was immediately clear to me that I'd been BAMBOOZLED. Walking toward the passenger door, I noticed old food cartoons and papers all in the back seat. DEAR GOD, I wonder can you SAVE ME?? As I open the car door, I pray for the best and brace for the worst. SHOCK, AWE, and MORTIFICATION get the best of me. This muthaeffa is all of 5'8", about 3oo lbs, and in need of a haircut. To top it all off, he has on a white t-shirt that is stained (who knows how long they'd been on the shirt or how long he'd had it ON). Oh GLORY!!

So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I told him that I came to tell him that something came up and I couldn't go anymore. So we drove around the block and he dropped me off at the corner of the block. I walked in the store and watched him drive off before I proceeded to go back in my building. Immediately, I got back on the internet and full of rage, I sent him an email. I told him that I couldn't believe that I'd been cool with someone for three years and he'd been lying for the entire time. I told him the reason that he couldn't get his love life together was not because they just weren't ready to be together but probably because he was lying about everything he was! I told him to never ever contact me again. After hitting "send," I blocked all his screennames. As far as I know, he never tried to reach out to me again.

That's my story of ChknPrnce...and no, it NEVER made me question my love for the internet or meeting people (maybe great friends now) from the internet.

Done...and DONE!

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

I'm an honest person - almost to the core. If you want the truth about something, ask me and I'll tell you. But I know how to give it straight no chaser to a person who can handle it and I know how to give it straight but soft to a person who is a bit more sensitive to people's honesty. That's one of the traits people love most about me. However, the worst personality trait I have is my inability to discuss my feelings about things - good or bad.

I think what most would say, if they knew this about me, that I'm passive aggressive. It's weird because I find myself to be most like this with people I'm closest to. If it's a not so good thing that's bothering me, I try to just get over it because I don't want to have an argument or be in a situation where I'm not speaking to a person I love for a period of time. So, I either avoid it altogether until I'm over it or I say how upset or bothered I am about the issue in the lightest tone possible where the person might not know how upset I am. For example, as of yesterday, I'm unhappy with the FP. Bigger than unhappy, I'm disappointed in him. Our relationship is simple and I don't think I ask for much so when something so simple goes overlooked, it really bothers me. I spoke to him briefly not too long ago and I mentioned how disappointed I was in him. He responded but I don't think he fully got how upset I was. That's my fault though because I don't know how to openly communicate my feelings about things that bother me. I talk around things and hope you get my drift. I swear I wanted him to "get it" but I didn't know how to get it all out at once so I kept going back to it and he kind of got "huffy" about it when I mentioned it the third time. So what did I do? Let it go, of course, and start talking about something else.

But how does that help ANYTHING if I'm still upset? Why am I still upset if the person that upset me isn't upset too? How does it help me grow if I can't express myself. How does my relationship grow with the person if I can't do it? What does it say about me and my relationships with some of these people (in this case The FP) if I'm scared that an argument or disagreement will result in the demise of our relationship? It's like they're - hell, HE'S - not getting the full "me" if I'm holding in my thoughts.

I can't keep doing this and being semi-scared to speak up but I don't know where to start to change it. What do I do? How do I begin?

I'm mad at ME. *Miss BB note* There's no need to tell me not to be so hard on myself. It is THIS serious to me that I have to be in order to learn how to change it

Open Heart and Mind

I've never been in a relationship. I take that back - I've never been in a SERIOUS relationship. I had a "summer love" with this guy back in '99 that was silly from the jump but every other girl had a boyfriend so I wanted one too. He was nice enough but when I say he was WEAK - definitely not the guy for me. I enjoy the single life: the idea of meeting men here and there that I MIGHT be semi-interested in without having to just let it go because I'm with someone. I like the idea of going out with my friends and not having to see if this is a good night to go or if I should stay in (or go out) with him instead.

But I'm an honest person too and the truth is that lately I've been thinking about what it would be like to be in a real, very serious relationship. The idea of all of this has been almost too much and I can barely type the words out, let alone verbally speak them to anyone. I've had this feeling of, "Okay, you're ready for that if it comes along. It might take some time to happen because there's no man in the picture nut you're ready. You can handle that." *sidenote: We know how I feel about the FP and that he would be my ideal choice but I would never want to throw all my eggs in one basket when it may not happen or put that kind of pressure on either of us.* It is very odd for me to have these thoughts because I rarely ever have these thoughts. Almost never. My thought process always goes, "I got way more important things to do than think about a relationship." Actually, that still holds true; I have so much work to do on my professional side that it takes over some of my thoughts about my personal life. But now, the idea that they can co-exist has started to surface.

Trying to think back where this started, I feel like it was when I had a bad day at work and didn't have anybody (of the male persuasion) to talk to about it when I got home (to either be there or for me to go to their house - no cohabitation for me). A light bulb went off where I was like, "Damn, that would be real cool!" Of course, the person I can always talk to about things that bother me (and see, I know this may spark some of you to have a specific opinion on this)the FP, was more than available to listen to me and let me vent. Lucky says this is the natural progression of life. Maybe she's right. I'm not thinking anything further than a relationship at this point; I'm definitely not ready for the level ABOVE that one yet.

I was thinking of posting India Arie's "Ready for Love" for but that's a bit deeper than what I actually feel. So we'll just go music-less on this one.

Yeah, I'm ready...and it will happen in due time.

Where Do We Go From Here

How do long distance relationships work for some people? I'm really curious. Some friends and I have been talking about LDR because some feel that the men just aren't in NYC anymore. I think that a big trend lately is that people are dating folks from their city and other cities to broaden their dating pool. Let's face it: A lot of single women in their late 20s and older are trying to make this marriage thang happen and are doing what it takes to get out there.

So let's say you live in Miami, went on a vacay to New Orleans, and met a dude from Chicago. Ya'll were able to go out twice while in NO and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company - so much so that you continue to converse after you're back in your respective locations. Things are going great: you see each other maybe once a month, talk all the time, hell you might even take it old school and send a letter in the mail once in a while. It's been a year (hell, maybe longer) and things are going good because you both agree that communication is the key; it isn't easy but you've managed to work it out. Point blank: This joint has gotten SERIOUS.

Here comes the hard part: The LDR can't last forever. As good as it has been going, you both know that you want to be in the same city together (we're not even talking about living together right now) and both agree that a change is going to have to come. But your career is solid in Miami and so is his in Chicago. I mean, REALLY solid. But someone has to move. Like, the needs need to be set in motion ASAP.

Who makes the decision that you or him will be the one to make the move? Is it based on the popularity of the career field in the other's city? Is it based on whether one loves or hates the hot or cold weather? Do you both look for jobs in the other's city and whoever hits the jackpot first is the one who moves? Hmmmmm, or is it just as simple as one saying, "Look somebody gotta move so I'm going to do it." I'm curious because I often hear that the woman is the one who moves to be with the man of her choice..and it's usually based on love. But I mean, maybe it goes both ways.

I'm just asking - something for discussion. Food for thought? Maybe???

For the Love of Ray-J

circa 2003 or 2004


It was either my 23rd or 24th birthday and some friends of mine, past and current, along with some of their friends went to the 40/40 to celebrate. It was my first time there and as Jay-Z's biggest fan and lover in my head, I felt it my duty to go and do it up at "our" establishment. So, we're dancing, laughing, and drinking (bartender giving free shots) - having a good time. The music is never GREAT but if it's alright, it usually isn't a big deal because you're partying.

Enter Ray-J walking down the stairs.

Now, we don't live under a rock so we all know that Ray-J is Brandy's brother aka Mr. Cannot sing aka Mr. Nobody (especially at this point b/c there had yet to be any mention of a Kim K). So my homegirl's friend - let's call her Tiana - is like, "There's Ray-J." I notice him and his friend in their chinchilla squirrel coats, obviously hot as hell in the packed club/lounge walking around trying to be cool. He stops next to me at the bar and Tiana is like, "Yooo, we should make him feel real good - gas him up!" She proceeds to tell him it's my birthday and he goes, "Ohhhhh, its yo birtday?" in that Cali accent. Yes, "birtday" because it sounded like he left out the "h" in the word "birthday." I tell him yes in a very monotone voice and continue to sip my drink. Tiana, needed to be entertained at mine and Ray-J expense hypes him on: "Ouuu Ray-J sing her happy birthday!!!" I. AM. MORTIFIED. An "entertainer" likes to always put on a show and this moment was certainly no exception.

He busts out in song. His tune of "Happy Birthday: sounded like a nasally Alvin & the chipmunks rendition. We're all holding back our laughter (well, those of us in his direct view) but Tiana is gassing him HARD with a loud, "Yeaaaaaaaah! Saaaaaang, Ray-J!!" He finishes and I am completely outdone. Rarely the bitch and always trying to be the lady, I thank him and he goes on about his business. I continue mine with my girls.

This unfortunate catastrophe of Ray-J singing to me on my birthday could have put a downpour on the evening. But never fear, SUPERMAN appeared. Yes, Jay-Z showed up that night!!! He was RUSHED in so quick that I didn't even see him! I squealed and screamed for a hot second (though I promised myself I wouldn't not FIVE minutes before he came) before I regained my composure and stared at him from afar for the rest of the night! *puts L to my forehead*

Anyway, for the LOVE OF RAY-J, let us never have a moment like that again!

New York State of Mind

Let's get it out of the way: The FP touched down last Thursday! We enjoyed seeing the city together and got to hang out in a way that we've never hung out before: for more than just two hours. It was a cool weekend and only because I just don't want to talk about it anymore, I'm leaving out the "downer" moments for me.He and I have addressed it, still love him to pieces, and among other feelings, that's it. We had a good time. By the time we got to the airport, I was crying for quite a few reasons. Ohhh, such a girl!

Today's Focus is: Living in New York. While the FP was here, he suggested we go to "Top of the Rock" at Rockefeller Center. Now, I'd never been and like many born and raised New Yorkers, there are many other tourist attractions I've never seen (yes, the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building are on my list) so I was up for this! So, we take our quick ride up to the Mezzanine level (you can see it from the street) and we're walking through what's kind of like the History of not only Rockefeller Center but also a small history of the man himself and those harsh economic times. There were some cool facts on the walls. As we were exiting there, we stopped to take a picture of us on a fake ledge in front of the NYC skyline (of course, my mom thought it was real at first).

So, now we go up to the 65th Floor. They're doing this "Tonight Show w/ Johnny Carson" type intro to the top levels with a virtual show playing through the ceiling. All very cool and exciting.

We step outside and I'm amazed. It's a beautiful evening and you can see the entire city so clearly. It's breathtaking. The FP and I are trying to get our cameras right to take the best pictures despite the plastic guarding surrounding us (you know the walls the bulletproof type walls that the President has? I doubt what's up there is bulletproof though - just to make sure you don't drop stuff off the roof.). We walked around and I showed him buildings that I knew, embarrassed myself with my lack of direction, and showed how little I knew about some of the bridges. We stayed out there for a few minutes before going back inside to go up another two levels to head out to the COMPLETE Top of the Rock.

My heart almost skipped a beat and I really thought a tear would drop. This is my city. I've lived here all my life (okay, I went away to college for four years but my permanent address had NY on it) and in this moment, I understand why so many people either come to visit or come to live. Just looking at the city makes you believe that you can do anything and everything. That the Big Apple is really big enough for you and all your friends to take a bite from it and make your way. I've lived here all my life and I finally GET IT. I barely knew where the FP was during that time. My thoughts were able to wander and be totally free. My emotions were all caught up because I've never seen my city from this high and from this angle.

How could I ever be without this city? I NEED this city.

The Domesticated Lady.

Lately, I've been having a conversation with myself about my lack of "do it yourself" energy. I rarely cook, only clean because I like to keep a tidy house, and don't fix things for myself. Why? I guess it's because I've never really HAD to and really just am not interested in it now for the most part. But I know this cannot last. I have to EAT on a daily basis and this will not include me eating out everyday (ironically enough, I never eat out for dinner). What's a girl to do? How do I fix this lack of domestication when it's never been my priority?

Growing up, my mom would always call me into the kitchen when she was cooking - you know, to watch what she was mixing, how much of it, and how it all came together. I NEVER CARED. EVER. It truly bored me to pieces because, just like I do now, I wondered WHY everything had to take so long and why you had to watch the food if it was already cooking. OF COURSE, you have to do that so it won't burn or overcook, but I HATED that part. So, while my mom really wanted me to learn, she saw that I just wasn't interested and stopped making me watch by the time I was like 16. Some 16 years olds knew how to cook by then but since I wasn't ever paying attention, it all just went in one ear and out the other. At this point in my life, I can make a couple of dishes and outside of the meats, I can make a holiday meal that will make you slap ya mama...but that's it. I don't cook everyday foods.

I'm not handy because...I HATE that. I don't want to hang up things or fix things or anything in that sector of life. When things need to be done in my apartment, I often see if I can get a friend to do it or it just MIGHT not get done at all. In this very moment, I have two mirrors, wall cubes, and a picture that need to be hung - I'll only be doing my small mirror and wall cubes. I'm just kind of like "whatever" about this whole idea of being handy around the house. Can't I just automatically have these skills?

So to all my ladies who have these skills, in part or in full, how did you acquire them? How do I get them? I need help...and I'm not joking!