Monday, March 23, 2009

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

I'm an honest person - almost to the core. If you want the truth about something, ask me and I'll tell you. But I know how to give it straight no chaser to a person who can handle it and I know how to give it straight but soft to a person who is a bit more sensitive to people's honesty. That's one of the traits people love most about me. However, the worst personality trait I have is my inability to discuss my feelings about things - good or bad.

I think what most would say, if they knew this about me, that I'm passive aggressive. It's weird because I find myself to be most like this with people I'm closest to. If it's a not so good thing that's bothering me, I try to just get over it because I don't want to have an argument or be in a situation where I'm not speaking to a person I love for a period of time. So, I either avoid it altogether until I'm over it or I say how upset or bothered I am about the issue in the lightest tone possible where the person might not know how upset I am. For example, as of yesterday, I'm unhappy with the FP. Bigger than unhappy, I'm disappointed in him. Our relationship is simple and I don't think I ask for much so when something so simple goes overlooked, it really bothers me. I spoke to him briefly not too long ago and I mentioned how disappointed I was in him. He responded but I don't think he fully got how upset I was. That's my fault though because I don't know how to openly communicate my feelings about things that bother me. I talk around things and hope you get my drift. I swear I wanted him to "get it" but I didn't know how to get it all out at once so I kept going back to it and he kind of got "huffy" about it when I mentioned it the third time. So what did I do? Let it go, of course, and start talking about something else.

But how does that help ANYTHING if I'm still upset? Why am I still upset if the person that upset me isn't upset too? How does it help me grow if I can't express myself. How does my relationship grow with the person if I can't do it? What does it say about me and my relationships with some of these people (in this case The FP) if I'm scared that an argument or disagreement will result in the demise of our relationship? It's like they're - hell, HE'S - not getting the full "me" if I'm holding in my thoughts.

I can't keep doing this and being semi-scared to speak up but I don't know where to start to change it. What do I do? How do I begin?

I'm mad at ME. *Miss BB note* There's no need to tell me not to be so hard on myself. It is THIS serious to me that I have to be in order to learn how to change it


N.O. LADI said...

You have to be secure enough in you to speak up. The relationship will never progress if you are holding parts of yourself back out of fear. This much I know!

LovinMe4Me said...

Let It Out Momma!!