That's What Friends Are For...

...til you get a man.

A couple of weeks ago, Tamale asked, "Why is it that when your friends start dating someone, the friendship goes on the backburner?" To me, there was an obvious answer but as I started paying attention to the feedback, it seemed as though there were some very strong opinions to what was seemingly a simple explanation.

Here's the thing for me: When two people meet and think they have a "connection," the only way to know if that's real or not is to spend time together. So, if they don't hang out with their friends as much - especially in the "getting to know you" phase - that's to be expected. There are going to be plenty of times when that happens because it's something new and exciting and the possibilities just get you all soft and pink inside (for women anyway. Guys might be lowkey excited). All relationships need to be continuously nurtured but there's something to be said about the "newness" of a relationship. If people don't see their friends as much, primarily for like the first six months (to me) of a relationship, that's okay.

Not according to Tamale. Her opinion is that a friendship should never be placed on the backburner just because a relationship is new and people have a choice who they want to spend their quality time with. She also says the potential of "the booty" plays a big part in who gets quality time. Is it the fact that you can get sex from this person versus from your friends the main reason why you would choose to spend time with them over your friends? I've never thought about that option. It would SEEM that you could get sex whenever you wanted and wouldn't have to spend "QT" with a person to get that. Most of us can make a call and get worked out. But isn't the idea of "QT" is that it's more than just sex, particularly as we get older?

I've always thought that most friends should understand that because there's someone that's come into your life that you really like, you may not be around all the time. It's not that you're trying to be or are any less of a friend, its that you're just not participating in the "girls' night out" events or you're not going to go to the movies or sit around and talk about "where are all the good men." Hell, you MIGHT have one but need to spend some time with him to make sure your thinking is on the right track. Personally, I've had friends do it and there has been a time or two when someone in the circle has said "Ill, she dropping us for a dude?" My response? "YES and let her live. Yes, she's seeing someone and she likes him so they're spending time together. Give her some time to be able to get some balance back." I think that after six months or so, some type of normalcy will be regained and the friend might be able to balance all her relationships better. What's wrong with that?

Is it wrong to place friendships or the friendship events on the backburner when a possible new RELATIONSHIP arises? Can you call yourself a friend if you have a serious problem with someone putting their intimate relationship at the forefront for a little while?

Let's discuss.

Excuse Me...You Are??

New Year's Eve 2009

Me and my girls, affectionately known as PDS (Party Don't Stop crew), were doing the in-house thing and a few "regulars" were also there. For some reason, everyone we come in contact with really likes hanging out with us so even if it's a guy, we quickly become so "cool" with them that they're like buddies. Anyway, it was a small group of us which included a co-worker of mine and a friend and his girlfriend ringing in the new year together. The ball had dropped, we'd discussed J. Lo's desperation performance and indirect plea to stay relevant, and were about to start what was sure to be an INTENSE game of Taboo. Then the doorbell rang.

He walks in. "Oh my," I'm thinking, "He is cah-ute. Whose friend is he? Is he kicking it with one of my girls?" Tall, brown-skin, glasses, nice build...just CUTE. So, when my friends and I think a guy is "universally attractive," we all give each other the quick glance around the room. But this time - thankfully - I'm the only one glancing. Come to find out, one of the guys who was there told him to come through. Introductions were made and we keep the party going with our latest addition. The night goes on and we're having a great time with Taboo. As it turns out, the Cutie has fallen right into comfort with us like he belongs here. After the game is done, we all chat while watching a movie and I find out he's involved in music and/or entertainment and...he's from down south. Be still, my beating heart - everyone who knows me knows I have a thing for a man from the South with some swagger. The conversation between all of us (the Cutie and I had no "me and Cutie" time) was great and as we hugged (cut it out, he was cool and we all became friendly very quick) I told him to make sure he came around more because "we like you."

Two weeks later.

Ladybug (member of the PDS crew) is trying to find out why Cutie and I haven't become even more cool. I realize that I'm the "odd man out" and we become Facebook friends. Riddle me this: When you become friends with someone on FB that you're attracted to, what are the first two things you check? *waiting* EXAAAAACTLY! You check their "status" if its available and you look at the pictures. So you know that's what I did because by now, my faithful readers get the feeling I would do that, right? Right. Aaaaaaaand, crush OVER.

Cutie is "in a relationship" and...I know her!! How funny is that?! We're not good friends or even associates but we've seen each other enough times to be cordial to each other to the point where I can say, "Yeahhh, I know her." They're a SERIOUS couple too. And you know what? I couldn't even roll my eyes (more than once) or be like "Whatever" because the truth is, they are SO cute together. Like, for real cute together. Thinking back to New Year's Eve, I was actually happy about my bout with shyness that I sometimes have when it comes to men. So after I rolled my eyes once and said, "DRATS," I was over it.

We crush and keep cruisin'.

But DAMN (that's to emphasize the cute level)!!

On to the next one.
*I actually hate that song "On To The Next One" but it was fitting for the end*

**Strong possibility the person this is referring to will read it. I guess if this blog is going to be full disclosure, I can't leave out important things - even if it is clear who I'm talking about. Still, that would be odd, huh? He's still cute though...just can't be looking LIKE THAT anymore**

Game. Set. Match.

"I know you don't believe in fairy tales but let me be your knight in shining armor. All you have to do is get up in the morning and I'll do the rest." - Shemar Moore, Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Okay, now that you've read that line or remember even more mushy lines from the movie, how many of you all said, "Awww that's sweet." *looks around and waits*

Well, okay then. Who laughed? Snorted? Rolled their eyes? It wouldn't surprise me if you just laughed at those questions...probably because that's exactly what your reaction was to that line. Orlando (Shemar's character) seemed really sincere in professing his love for his woman and in defense, this was the beginning of his marriage proposal. So let's back up a bit.

Let's assume two people meet and there's enough of an attraction and initial likeness for one another that they can go out on a date. Like most dates, there are lots of compliments being handed out in the midst of having conversation - often times coming from the man to the woman. Date's over, you've enjoyed yourself and while you don't see each other for a few days, you speak regularly on the phone. This man can throw a compliment like nobody's business! Now, it sounds good to you but at some point do you start thinking "Here goes...trying to drop that game."

Game. This is what ruins most of the intimate interaction between two people because one usually thinks the other is dropping too much of it. Most times, we as women can only take so many compliments before we wish he'd "cut it out and stop trying so hard." If he calls on the regular (like we always wish but can somehow never seem to meet the guy who'll do that), wants to go out, AND keeps the compliments coming? Oh, we LIKE it but for some reason, many of us are waiting on the other shoe to fall and let the man's "game" fully reveal itself. But how do you know that it's game because what he says and does is not what you're used to hearing and seeing? How can you tell the difference?

When do we cut some slack? And if every man you meet is someone you think is running game, how is it that you see through clearly to the one who isn't try to beat you with it?

Let's discuss.

Love Is A Battlefield...

But does it have to be?

"Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down" -Melanie Fiona, "It Kills Me"

This song, though I admittedly really like it (and probably moreso because of the WAY she sings it), gets on my damn nerves. This child is pulling herself into a deep depression over a man doesn't come home and when he does, starts a fight with HER. But she refuses to leave him because she is scared to be single. In the words of Twitter (and someone who I think made a song of the same name), #wheredeydothatat? Why in the world is a grown woman screaming from the rooftop (and now, Melanie is just the messenger because even if she were the one really acting like this, she wouldn't be alone) about how her man is CLEARLY doing her wrong but she can't leave him? We aren't embarrassed about things like this anymore?

Oh, but it gets better (same song):

"Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand..."

So now we're going to call up the jumpoff and start a fight with her. Right or wrong, the man in the situation is who needs to be dealt with. What part of the game is it that we as women must put with any type of disrespect just to say that we "aren't single?" What is the purpose of fighting for a relationship that TRULY only one of you are committed to being in? The answer seems to be somewhere along the lines of "He needs to know I'm a ride or die chick and not just going to let him go for some bull." Oh okay.

When did it become acceptable to fight for a relationship when one of the people involved in it is clearly not concerned if you catch the "beatdown" for trying to save something that's not there.

Let's hope that Melanie's song (which is smoking up the Billboard charts) is just that. Or if this was about her, she hasn't dealt with this foolishness since she was a teen. OR better still, this was actually a song of sarcasm that's telling women (and hell men too if you put yourself in this situation) NOT to act like this.

It Kills Me too. For real.

Let's Discuss.

The Vows: Making Them and Breaking Them

Happy New Year everyone!! I'm going to be way more regular on here and have a slew of topics waiting to be tackled. I need accountability partners (the FP came up with that) so if ya'll don't see me with two or more posts a week, hit me up on Twitter and light a flame up under my butt!

So I was watching "The Jacksons: An American Dream" last night and the scene in which Katherine caught Joseph on the phone with his mistress was on. She'd gone to her mother's house to clear her mind and the impression I got (unless the tv was really watching me) is that her mother wanted her to go on back home, forgive Joe, and just make the marriage work. I think, as I always do when I hear something like this, "So, that's just it, huh? Someone in the marriage cheats - someone breaks the vow - and you're supposed to just get over it?"

Let me start off by saying that I am all for marriage - completely, utterly and overjoyed for people who have found each other and ca stand before whomever they believe in, family/friends and most importantly, each other, to say "We are to be ONE." Now, in traditional wedding vows, the man/woman announce that they take their bride/groom to be their wife/husband and in which, they're "having and holding" and "cherishing each other" til death do them part. GREAT! *insert two thumbs up* In some vows, they also include forsaking all others and a slew of other things. Some who choose non-traditional vows may put some personal notes in there but some way or the other, they have the same general meaning. If that's the case, and you've made the vow to have and to hold, cherish them and forsake all others, why is it that if one breaks the vow, it's now up to the other person to make sure the rest of the vows (primarily the "in good and bad...til death do us part" part) are upheld?

This continues to confuse me. I've known men and women who've had their spouses cheat and everyone tells them, "You need to work it out. Remember the vows you took." I'm sorry, did the man/woman who cheated not take those same vows to be committed to their wife/husband? Why is it that now I'm (obviously not ME but you know what I'm saying) being held responsible for putting the pieces back together? Why is that even though I've lost the trust in the person, I still have to find some more so that we can "make it work?" Where does the man/woman who cheated play a role?

I've asked around and have been told by women, "Men are visual. It's usually just sex - if you can't forgive for one indiscretion then you weren't ready to be married in the first place." *le sigh* Is that it? Does it mean I was never ready for marriage if my husband cheats on me and I choose to not "let it go" and seek to not make it work for the both of us? See, I get confused because if someone cheats on you that one time that you find out about it, are you not now curious about if they've done it before and if so, how many times? Do you not wonder inf they're going to do it again? If you forgive the person for cheating (which by the way, I am NOT trying to suggest that people who have found out their spouse is cheating should just get a divorce - just working thoughts out in my mind), in my mind you CANNOT bring it up again. That's it, you're wiping your hands and slate clean to start from that point and move on.

Men have told me that if their wife cheats, that's IT. There's no going back, there's nothing to work out and in case you don't get the picture, I heard "Maaaaaan, F*CK THAT B!TCH!" Their initial thoughts (whether they go through with it or not) are to leave because their vows have been broken, he can no longer trust her, and she's a hoe. The contrast in response to the exact same situation is interesting.

So when someone says "I DO" and means it but the person who said "I DO" back meant it at the time but somehow lost their way, is it your responsibility to keep it together?

Let's discuss.

Note: I'm sure someone will bring up the topic of "but if they have kids" and that's fine. Include every point you want to make.