I think I've composed myself enough to address this.
I [finally] told the FP my feelings for him a couple nights ago. To anyone who doesn't know, this means that I told him I was in love with him. First time I've ever said that to anyone and it was a long time coming. The result? He loves me ("You're amazing. You are TRULY something special and I love having you in my life. You're so important to me." I believe that and don't think they were just words.) but he's not in love with me. Great. The first time I tell a man I'm in love with him (we love each other as friends so we say "I love you" to each other all the time) and have my whole heart completely open to him and he doesn't even feel the same way. I never knew what it meant to be completely crushed about something but I figured it out.
The funny thing is that it's not that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do that crushed me - I can't control his feelings and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. My tears (most of which came pouring out over the phone and probably once an hour yesterday - we talked Tuesday night) and feelings of being crushed came from the fact that he told me he didn't know where my telling him "came from." Now, he knew the feelings of being "in love" were genuine and came from the heart but based on a conversation we had three weeks ago where he told me he KNEW my feelings but it was "cool" if I felt like I was working my way up to saying it, he didn't know if I was saying it just because he thought he left the door open for me. And I quote, "You may have felt like you didn't have anything to lose by telling me." THAT'S where part of my hurt/anger comes from: I could lose my friendship over this and I could also have my heart completely broken. Furthermore, he told me he'd been frustrated with me because I was acting different and some of our talks had been awkward because he could tell I had something more to say but couldn't/wouldn't. Thing is, if he KNEW my feelings but didn't even feel the same way, how could you be frustrated? WHY didn't he stop me a long time ago if he knew?
So we went back and forth on some issues. There were a lot of tears on my end, there were laughs, there was more frustration, and there was even some anger. I think since he doesn't feel the same way (and NO, I don't know why he doesn't - I was too all over the place to ask or even CARE), he probably can't fully understand my feelings and emotions. Today, I asked myself so many questions: Was him holding on to the "I KNOW" but not feeling the same way but seemingly still wanting me to tell him selfish and maybe, egotistical? Why did I let fear get the best of me and not tell him sooner? Why doesn't he see me the way I see him? With me finally verbalizing my feelings, forget what he says he KNEW, can we be friends and neither of us feel like there's an elephant in the room? In terms of the last question, our conversation ended well and with us both saying that the friendship is most important and we want to preserve that. Parts of me are upset with him AND hurt by him but I truly believe that with time, we'll find our way "back to the middle." Some friends don't agree with that and that's okay - my decisions have definitely been questionable in terms of the FP from time to time - because I know what I have to do for myself. I pray that it works out that way but only time will tell and only God knows. I DO know that we will both have to put in a better effort overall for that to happen.
So for now...I hurt. A little less everyday, but there's going to be some hurt until I get over it. I've made strides in all of one day (I didn't cry AT ALL today about it) but I might hit another wall. I'm not crying but I am sad. And I'm scared - scared about a lot of things that I don't want to disclose right now. For this to happen for the first time when I'm 29 and it not to be reciprocated is a tough pill to swallow. That's real.
Mama told me one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...(Name that tune and finish the line! We have to have some fun during a sad post, right?)