Wednesday, June 10, 2009

When It Hurts So Bad

I think I've composed myself enough to address this.

I [finally] told the FP my feelings for him a couple nights ago. To anyone who doesn't know, this means that I told him I was in love with him. First time I've ever said that to anyone and it was a long time coming. The result? He loves me ("You're amazing. You are TRULY something special and I love having you in my life. You're so important to me." I believe that and don't think they were just words.) but he's not in love with me. Great. The first time I tell a man I'm in love with him (we love each other as friends so we say "I love you" to each other all the time) and have my whole heart completely open to him and he doesn't even feel the same way. I never knew what it meant to be completely crushed about something but I figured it out.

The funny thing is that it's not that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do that crushed me - I can't control his feelings and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. My tears (most of which came pouring out over the phone and probably once an hour yesterday - we talked Tuesday night) and feelings of being crushed came from the fact that he told me he didn't know where my telling him "came from." Now, he knew the feelings of being "in love" were genuine and came from the heart but based on a conversation we had three weeks ago where he told me he KNEW my feelings but it was "cool" if I felt like I was working my way up to saying it, he didn't know if I was saying it just because he thought he left the door open for me. And I quote, "You may have felt like you didn't have anything to lose by telling me." THAT'S where part of my hurt/anger comes from: I could lose my friendship over this and I could also have my heart completely broken. Furthermore, he told me he'd been frustrated with me because I was acting different and some of our talks had been awkward because he could tell I had something more to say but couldn't/wouldn't. Thing is, if he KNEW my feelings but didn't even feel the same way, how could you be frustrated? WHY didn't he stop me a long time ago if he knew?

So we went back and forth on some issues. There were a lot of tears on my end, there were laughs, there was more frustration, and there was even some anger. I think since he doesn't feel the same way (and NO, I don't know why he doesn't - I was too all over the place to ask or even CARE), he probably can't fully understand my feelings and emotions. Today, I asked myself so many questions: Was him holding on to the "I KNOW" but not feeling the same way but seemingly still wanting me to tell him selfish and maybe, egotistical? Why did I let fear get the best of me and not tell him sooner? Why doesn't he see me the way I see him? With me finally verbalizing my feelings, forget what he says he KNEW, can we be friends and neither of us feel like there's an elephant in the room? In terms of the last question, our conversation ended well and with us both saying that the friendship is most important and we want to preserve that. Parts of me are upset with him AND hurt by him but I truly believe that with time, we'll find our way "back to the middle." Some friends don't agree with that and that's okay - my decisions have definitely been questionable in terms of the FP from time to time - because I know what I have to do for myself. I pray that it works out that way but only time will tell and only God knows. I DO know that we will both have to put in a better effort overall for that to happen.

So for now...I hurt. A little less everyday, but there's going to be some hurt until I get over it. I've made strides in all of one day (I didn't cry AT ALL today about it) but I might hit another wall. I'm not crying but I am sad. And I'm scared - scared about a lot of things that I don't want to disclose right now. For this to happen for the first time when I'm 29 and it not to be reciprocated is a tough pill to swallow. That's real.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...(Name that tune and finish the line! We have to have some fun during a sad post, right?)

9 comments:

Eb the Celeb said...

Girl I feel you. It really hurts when your that tough girl and finally allow yourself to be vulnerable and it doesn't go the way you want. But just know that you cant use that as an excuse to clam up on the next dude that may have the same feelings as you. The key is to continue to allow yourself to be vulnerable with those that are worthy, but it does hurt to put yourself out there. Girl you know I know. Chin up.

THE CHEERLEADER said...

YOU ARE THE PRIZE!

Anonymous said...

I've been here. & really, the only thing you can do is A. be proud of yourself for taking that leap, knowing you may not hear what you want. & B. TOTALLY work your feelings out. Just go w/ it, don't try to push yourself to be over it before you TRULY are. & you WILL be TRULY over it in time. I went through this SAME EXACT scenario w/ my fiance. And well...he's my fiance. & my girl that's expecting her first child w/ her totally adoring hubby went through the SAME EXACT scenario as well w/ him. Not saying that that's what's going to happen in your situation. But I think the KEY is that you just have to allow yourself to feel your feelings & not feel bad about YOU & how YOU feel. & I know I joke about "fuck him", but it's not even about that. It's about coming to a healthy resolution w/in yourself about this. & You KNOW I'll keep saying "FFFFFFFFF him from the sidelines". We love you girl, & I'll always be here for you.

N.O. LADI said...

I've been playing Whitney houston's "Why does It Hurt So Bad" since last night. ((hugs)) Do not drive yourself insane with the "why not me?" It will serve you no good. Be proud of yourself that you were even able to formulate the words to express what was really in your heart. I am kinda upset with him pushing you to admit your feelings if he knew it was not resiprocated. That's wack on his part. You know that you are a helluva chick. And, maybe he isn't your happily ever after. That's ok. It just means your "HE" is still out there. Mourn this in the appropriate way and time, whatever you feel is proper. And, then file it away as a lesson learned. I second, the Cheerleaders post "You are the prize!!!"

N.O. LADI said...

Oh, yeah I forgot to finish the line. It's "She told me it would happen when I was much older, wish it would've happened then." (And ain't that the truth!!!)I am a HUGE NE fan and I've always loved this track, Drenna :)

LovinMe4Me said...

BIIIIGGGGGG HUUUGGGGGGGGG!!!

The previous comments said everything I want to say. I have to say, I'm proud of you for finally opening up and as Eb said don't let this experience be an excuse for the next dude. Take your time to deal with it, do what you need to do to heal. I know you've heard it, we've all been there (and we have), believe me it makes you a better you (trust me, I was Queen HardRock for way to many years and I'm proud to say I don't own that crown anymore). That man is out there, he's preparing himself for you (and momma you know you're a diamond and you're not going to take just any ole setting).

EXTRA XOXOXOXO

K*Mack said...

Hey sis,
Let me just say that I came across your blog by way of Eb and I adore it...do u have a subscribe feature?

Back to the point - I have been there as well. I think that when we as women get up the balls to even WANT to tell them those words we kind of have to put ourselves in a mindset of not expecting them profess the same, in that way, we don't allow ourselves to set ouselves up for disappointment. What you did was a big fucking deal and I know it hurts...seriously. I know you're gonna cry and go through the motions...but just remember that that's ok.

*hug*

you are right...you have to do what makes you happy.

xo

Miss BB is... said...

I appreciate EVERYTHING you guys have said. Truly. Outside of here, I've heard even more words of advice and they're definitely comforting. At this point, I really feel "okay" so I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. I know that how I THINK I'm going to handle this relationship going forward is what most people will agree on but I know that I'm going to do things my way. If it doesn't work out, lesson learned.!

@K*Mack: Thanks soooo much for reading my blog and liking it! You know what? I do have a couple of subscribers but I don't know how how they did it! Let me see if I can find the actual button that makes it really visible to you. I'm still such a novice to it all! PLEASE keep reading and commenting on anything - even if/when you don't agree. I love it all!

K*Mack said...

I always tend to laugh at this thing we call life bc I often wonder..who REALLY gets it?

Ok cool. In the mean time I'll just check in daily to see if you have anything new up. If you ever think that its just you...come read my blog...shit kicks rocks sometimes.

I wanted to comment my nonstop laughter on your blog where chick and dude was tryna holla at you but I didn't see a link for it so here goes..LMMFAO.