Saturday, October 10, 2009


I had a talk with a friend the other day and she was talking to me about her new fiance. It was quite the surprise to me because they've been together less than a year and it hasn't been the "honeymoon" it should be during that time. There's been lots of arguing, complaining, cancellations and just so many different things going on. To put it lightly, I was shocked and unfortunately for me this time, I couldn't help but to say "Wow, alright. That's wild because our talks about this dude have not been in line with an upcoming engagement. She agreed but she simply said "I demanded what I wanted." Hmmm, ok.

I had nothing more to say on it except "Well girl, I hope you're happy!" No one wants to hear their skeptical friend continue with their skepticism on their happy moment so I shut up. But in my mind all I kept thinking was, "She gave the man an ultimatum?" Truth be told, I'm nervous for the possibility of this "union." Times haven't been good for many reasons with them and they haven't known each other for that long; add to that an ultimatum, I think this smells like a recipe for a disaster. These things still work in today's world of people not giving a damn about others' feelings, the ratio of women to men being at an alarming rate and just the idea of it being dumb? REALLY?

Personally, I've never been one for ultimatums when it comes to men. I've voiced my opinion on how I feel about situations and maybe they agree and maybe they don't. But I've never said "LOOK, I want this to happen and if it doesn't then xyz." Not my style and I don't believe, if the outcome is in my favor, it will last very long. Understanding that my friend and other women may have a goal for their personal lives, giving the man (or "friend" or whatever) you're with an ultimatum is not the way to go. If he was interested in this notion, would he not have asked? Or at the very least, would he not have at least bought up the conversation with his lady to get her opinion on it? I'm just confused.

In my friend's case, this man is not ready. It's not an opinion - more of an unsaid fact. He is barely her boyfriend (it's been observed through mutual male and friends and we've never got a clear answer on how she can consider him her boyfriend) and it seems like he just wants to make sure he has her AROUND more than him being committed to being WITH her. I'm very nervous for her feelings as well as her inability to see the writing on the wall. But she has to know this isn't good...right? She has to know that by saying "This or THAT" is not going to make him be the one for her....RIGHT??

Ultimatums. Let's discuss.

*Miss BB note: The story of the friend is not complete accurate - there are a few things changed to protect my lil homie.


N.O. LADI said...

Ultimatums have NO place in a relationship. That's for business deals. I don't consider love a business. I also would feel quite silly demanding a ring from a man because like you said if he wanted to go that route, he would do it on his own. I am very vocal & opinonated about what I want & expect. Either he & I will agree or we won't. Love is not something o be measured. I don't see this union lasting long @ all. I feel bad for her. Asking for what you want & demanding it are two totally different things.

K*Mack said...

Ehhh this right here is bad business. Is your friend of a certain age bc I would think that women in their 30's would probably act like this...I think that this is destined for failure unfortunately. I happen to think that marriage IS a business deal but the whole ultimatum thing...even THAT doesn't work. It makes me question what kind of man is he to even be OK with a marriage ultimatum...smdh.

LovinMe4Me said...

Personally (I hate to say this), this marriage isn't going to happen.

I believe if you have to give someone an ultimatum,then the relationship is pretty much a wrap.Usually,when I'm dating (yes people we have to date 1st before becoming a couple, clearly something MissB's friend didn't do) I will let a dude know my wants and expectations and I want to know his. I'm a woman in her 30's and if a man tells me he doesn't want to get married, I'm not going to get with him in the hopes of changing his mind, oh no no no.
And I know dayum well if someone gives me an ultimatum about marriage or anything for that matter, I'm not giving in. I wouldn't do that to anyone.

I hope for the best for this young lady and maybe oneday she'll open her eyes about this man.


Miss BB is... said...

@K: She's not quite 30 - somewhere between 27 and 29.

I kind of feel bad because she doesn't seem to see everything that's going here and definitely not a bigger picture. When a person is forced into something they do not willingly give their all and they rarely try to make the best of a situation.