The CHICKEN...or the PRINCE???

circa '99 or '00...probably '00.

My family bought our first computer in 1997. I was so excited because being a night owl, I knew I'd be up surfing the internet and just playing around on the computer. The first chatroom I ever joined was through ESPN because of my love for sports. Every night, I'd join in on the conversation for at least three hours (yes I had school in the morning and YES, my parents hated me staying up so late but I was always in school on time) with what was mainly a bunch of guys. It was never weird because they really only talked about sports and school (some of them were in high school and others were in college).

I met ChknPrnce in that chatroom. He was a really cool guy from Jersey and we instantly became e-friends. He was at least 10 years older than me but it didn't matter because we were just buddies. When I went off to college and we couldn't IM each other on the regular, he'd email me, I'd email him, and we kept up with each other's lives. We never saw pictures of each other but I described myself to him (the same as the pic you see in the profile but with permed hair) and described himself to me (Bahamian, 6'2" or 6'3", 210 lbs, brown skin, low hair cute, women said he was an average looking guy). He would tell me about work problems (too much work and not enough time to do it but well paid) and women problems (he had one friend in particular that he really liked and she liked him but they could never get on the same page) and in turn, I'd really just talk about college life in Mississippi.

After about three years, during an afternoon online convo (we'd spoken on the phone plenty of times by them, moreso when I was home) during summer vacation, I suggested we meet since he was coming into the city. I figured it was time that I meet my homie that I'd been talking to for years. He agreed and said he'd come by my house to pick me up and we could just hang out for a couple hours. I told him to park closer to the end of the block (so he wouldn't know which building I was coming from - I'm not crazy) and I'd meet him at his car. Once I got outside, I only saw one white, Ford Taurus (he told me he was in a white car) double parked and thought, "Hmmm, that's odd. It looks VERY old...I thought he was well-paid at his job." Some may call me bougie but I BEG OF YOU to believe that this was a red flag.

You do remember my physical description of ChknPrnce, don't you? Well, as I walked to the car, it was immediately clear to me that I'd been BAMBOOZLED. Walking toward the passenger door, I noticed old food cartoons and papers all in the back seat. DEAR GOD, I wonder can you SAVE ME?? As I open the car door, I pray for the best and brace for the worst. SHOCK, AWE, and MORTIFICATION get the best of me. This muthaeffa is all of 5'8", about 3oo lbs, and in need of a haircut. To top it all off, he has on a white t-shirt that is stained (who knows how long they'd been on the shirt or how long he'd had it ON). Oh GLORY!!

So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I told him that I came to tell him that something came up and I couldn't go anymore. So we drove around the block and he dropped me off at the corner of the block. I walked in the store and watched him drive off before I proceeded to go back in my building. Immediately, I got back on the internet and full of rage, I sent him an email. I told him that I couldn't believe that I'd been cool with someone for three years and he'd been lying for the entire time. I told him the reason that he couldn't get his love life together was not because they just weren't ready to be together but probably because he was lying about everything he was! I told him to never ever contact me again. After hitting "send," I blocked all his screennames. As far as I know, he never tried to reach out to me again.

That's my story of ChknPrnce...and no, it NEVER made me question my love for the internet or meeting people (maybe great friends now) from the internet.

Done...and DONE!

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

I'm an honest person - almost to the core. If you want the truth about something, ask me and I'll tell you. But I know how to give it straight no chaser to a person who can handle it and I know how to give it straight but soft to a person who is a bit more sensitive to people's honesty. That's one of the traits people love most about me. However, the worst personality trait I have is my inability to discuss my feelings about things - good or bad.

I think what most would say, if they knew this about me, that I'm passive aggressive. It's weird because I find myself to be most like this with people I'm closest to. If it's a not so good thing that's bothering me, I try to just get over it because I don't want to have an argument or be in a situation where I'm not speaking to a person I love for a period of time. So, I either avoid it altogether until I'm over it or I say how upset or bothered I am about the issue in the lightest tone possible where the person might not know how upset I am. For example, as of yesterday, I'm unhappy with the FP. Bigger than unhappy, I'm disappointed in him. Our relationship is simple and I don't think I ask for much so when something so simple goes overlooked, it really bothers me. I spoke to him briefly not too long ago and I mentioned how disappointed I was in him. He responded but I don't think he fully got how upset I was. That's my fault though because I don't know how to openly communicate my feelings about things that bother me. I talk around things and hope you get my drift. I swear I wanted him to "get it" but I didn't know how to get it all out at once so I kept going back to it and he kind of got "huffy" about it when I mentioned it the third time. So what did I do? Let it go, of course, and start talking about something else.

But how does that help ANYTHING if I'm still upset? Why am I still upset if the person that upset me isn't upset too? How does it help me grow if I can't express myself. How does my relationship grow with the person if I can't do it? What does it say about me and my relationships with some of these people (in this case The FP) if I'm scared that an argument or disagreement will result in the demise of our relationship? It's like they're - hell, HE'S - not getting the full "me" if I'm holding in my thoughts.

I can't keep doing this and being semi-scared to speak up but I don't know where to start to change it. What do I do? How do I begin?

I'm mad at ME. *Miss BB note* There's no need to tell me not to be so hard on myself. It is THIS serious to me that I have to be in order to learn how to change it

Open Heart and Mind

I've never been in a relationship. I take that back - I've never been in a SERIOUS relationship. I had a "summer love" with this guy back in '99 that was silly from the jump but every other girl had a boyfriend so I wanted one too. He was nice enough but when I say he was WEAK - definitely not the guy for me. I enjoy the single life: the idea of meeting men here and there that I MIGHT be semi-interested in without having to just let it go because I'm with someone. I like the idea of going out with my friends and not having to see if this is a good night to go or if I should stay in (or go out) with him instead.

But I'm an honest person too and the truth is that lately I've been thinking about what it would be like to be in a real, very serious relationship. The idea of all of this has been almost too much and I can barely type the words out, let alone verbally speak them to anyone. I've had this feeling of, "Okay, you're ready for that if it comes along. It might take some time to happen because there's no man in the picture nut you're ready. You can handle that." *sidenote: We know how I feel about the FP and that he would be my ideal choice but I would never want to throw all my eggs in one basket when it may not happen or put that kind of pressure on either of us.* It is very odd for me to have these thoughts because I rarely ever have these thoughts. Almost never. My thought process always goes, "I got way more important things to do than think about a relationship." Actually, that still holds true; I have so much work to do on my professional side that it takes over some of my thoughts about my personal life. But now, the idea that they can co-exist has started to surface.

Trying to think back where this started, I feel like it was when I had a bad day at work and didn't have anybody (of the male persuasion) to talk to about it when I got home (to either be there or for me to go to their house - no cohabitation for me). A light bulb went off where I was like, "Damn, that would be real cool!" Of course, the person I can always talk to about things that bother me (and see, I know this may spark some of you to have a specific opinion on this)the FP, was more than available to listen to me and let me vent. Lucky says this is the natural progression of life. Maybe she's right. I'm not thinking anything further than a relationship at this point; I'm definitely not ready for the level ABOVE that one yet.

I was thinking of posting India Arie's "Ready for Love" for but that's a bit deeper than what I actually feel. So we'll just go music-less on this one.

Yeah, I'm ready...and it will happen in due time.

Where Do We Go From Here

How do long distance relationships work for some people? I'm really curious. Some friends and I have been talking about LDR because some feel that the men just aren't in NYC anymore. I think that a big trend lately is that people are dating folks from their city and other cities to broaden their dating pool. Let's face it: A lot of single women in their late 20s and older are trying to make this marriage thang happen and are doing what it takes to get out there.

So let's say you live in Miami, went on a vacay to New Orleans, and met a dude from Chicago. Ya'll were able to go out twice while in NO and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company - so much so that you continue to converse after you're back in your respective locations. Things are going great: you see each other maybe once a month, talk all the time, hell you might even take it old school and send a letter in the mail once in a while. It's been a year (hell, maybe longer) and things are going good because you both agree that communication is the key; it isn't easy but you've managed to work it out. Point blank: This joint has gotten SERIOUS.

Here comes the hard part: The LDR can't last forever. As good as it has been going, you both know that you want to be in the same city together (we're not even talking about living together right now) and both agree that a change is going to have to come. But your career is solid in Miami and so is his in Chicago. I mean, REALLY solid. But someone has to move. Like, the needs need to be set in motion ASAP.

Who makes the decision that you or him will be the one to make the move? Is it based on the popularity of the career field in the other's city? Is it based on whether one loves or hates the hot or cold weather? Do you both look for jobs in the other's city and whoever hits the jackpot first is the one who moves? Hmmmmm, or is it just as simple as one saying, "Look somebody gotta move so I'm going to do it." I'm curious because I often hear that the woman is the one who moves to be with the man of her choice..and it's usually based on love. But I mean, maybe it goes both ways.

I'm just asking - something for discussion. Food for thought? Maybe???