Here's the thing: It's not that I hate blogging. I actually find it to be fun, helpful and to an extent, therapeutic. One thing about me is that there's rarely a moment when I don't have something to say. The problem is that I don't always have something to say that belongs in this space. So I'll come back with a few things to say, say them and then be gone 'til I have something else to write about. For someone who claims to want to write a book one day (been claiming that for eight years), you'd think I could at least get like three blog posts out a week, right? It's not that easy for me and I've been fighting myself about it.
But just a few hours ago on Twitter, one of my favorite writers, Aliya S. King, posed a challenge to all her followers who are writers or who would like to write: 30 posts in 30 days. My first thought? "SHIT." My very next thought? "I'm doing it." The only way to be a writer is to write (and read but hell, you can't be a writer without having written) and I'm not doing it as regularly as I should. My freelance gig definitely entails writing but I'm limited in that capacity so the other option, besides other freelance gigs, is to use this space. I mean, that's the reason I started it a few years ago anyway; even if no one ever read what I wrote, I was going to keep on doing it. I'm doing myself a huge disservice by not sticking to my old rules.
I'm here now though, primarily in thanks to Aliya and her husband (he initiated the challenge). This is going to be hard for me because outside of my admitted laziness, I'm always tired from my day job and its constant stresses. But if moms with f/t jobs can do it, if bloggers who make big money from it can do it...surely I can.
*cue Jill Scott* Goddddd, please hear my call, I'm afraaaaiddddd...
Number One.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Self-Reflection: The Peculiar Friendship
"I kept up a peculiar friendship with him because I couldn't imagine keeping up
my life without him. I struggled to master myself and my emotions. I wasn't always successful." -Frank Ocean (from his "coming out" - or whatever you want to call it - letter)
When I read Frank's "coming out" note on his Tumblr last week, I understood that I was reading a huge revelation. But bigger than that, the story that he was telling was way more moving and it didn't matter what gender he was talking about about. But the above line has stuck with me since I read it last week. Hell, I've memorized it. It also came at the most interesting time.
The same week I had a chance to spend some time with my "first." I've mentioned him in the past so no need to go into much detail (though this sums it up quite nicely). We're still very cool and keep in semi-frequent contact but don't get to see each other often. We spoke the day before the 4th and we made plans to see each other and catch up. The whole "catching up" thing didn't work out exactly as planned but we did get to hang out for a couple of minutes and it gave me a chance to get in his business (yeah, we're still that cool).
But like many who see an old flame or whatever he/she may be to you, I did a little reflection as I got home. It wasn't the "I wonder what could have happened if" kind of reflection; it was actually a self-reflection. I realized when I looked in his eyes, I could literally see the 18 year old freshman who knew nothing about boys. The freshman who knew nothing about "game." I laughed to myself when I recalled how I asked, "Now what," because I knew he wasn't my boyfriend but I didn't know what it meant to have sex with someone who was just a friend. I shook my head at how crystal clear things were after that first time when I realized, "Shit, I'm not the only one, huh?"
As I recall, I kept up a facade. I'd expressed my little hurt but for the sake of me keeping him around, primarily because I didn't know how to say " I can't and won't deal with this," I held on to the friendship. By a thread. For years. We'd finally gotten to what I thought was a good place until one straw broke the camel's back and I saw the "friendship" for what it was. I'd had enough and told him so. That, too, last for a few years until he approached me on the humble and we grew the friendship again. Today, I think we're okay but we only are because I don't feel the need to keep up that friendship with him if it isn't working for me (I can't speak for him).
I don't run up behind him checking on him and seeing what he's up to because I can imagine my life without him. I've had a life without him in it. So I know Frank's story. I lived it to an extent. I actually went through parts of it again with someone else. It's got to be one of the worst feelings to deal with in terms of relationships but when you get through it? Now that's some shit to sing about.
When I read Frank's "coming out" note on his Tumblr last week, I understood that I was reading a huge revelation. But bigger than that, the story that he was telling was way more moving and it didn't matter what gender he was talking about about. But the above line has stuck with me since I read it last week. Hell, I've memorized it. It also came at the most interesting time.
The same week I had a chance to spend some time with my "first." I've mentioned him in the past so no need to go into much detail (though this sums it up quite nicely). We're still very cool and keep in semi-frequent contact but don't get to see each other often. We spoke the day before the 4th and we made plans to see each other and catch up. The whole "catching up" thing didn't work out exactly as planned but we did get to hang out for a couple of minutes and it gave me a chance to get in his business (yeah, we're still that cool).
But like many who see an old flame or whatever he/she may be to you, I did a little reflection as I got home. It wasn't the "I wonder what could have happened if" kind of reflection; it was actually a self-reflection. I realized when I looked in his eyes, I could literally see the 18 year old freshman who knew nothing about boys. The freshman who knew nothing about "game." I laughed to myself when I recalled how I asked, "Now what," because I knew he wasn't my boyfriend but I didn't know what it meant to have sex with someone who was just a friend. I shook my head at how crystal clear things were after that first time when I realized, "Shit, I'm not the only one, huh?"
As I recall, I kept up a facade. I'd expressed my little hurt but for the sake of me keeping him around, primarily because I didn't know how to say " I can't and won't deal with this," I held on to the friendship. By a thread. For years. We'd finally gotten to what I thought was a good place until one straw broke the camel's back and I saw the "friendship" for what it was. I'd had enough and told him so. That, too, last for a few years until he approached me on the humble and we grew the friendship again. Today, I think we're okay but we only are because I don't feel the need to keep up that friendship with him if it isn't working for me (I can't speak for him).
I don't run up behind him checking on him and seeing what he's up to because I can imagine my life without him. I've had a life without him in it. So I know Frank's story. I lived it to an extent. I actually went through parts of it again with someone else. It's got to be one of the worst feelings to deal with in terms of relationships but when you get through it? Now that's some shit to sing about.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Nas' "Bye Baby": Freedom of Expression Or Lame Sales Attempt?
A couple of days ago, I saw on the blogs that Nas had a new song called "Bye Baby." I knew before pressing play the song would be about his ex-wife, Kelis. The best I could hope for was that he would just be expressing his feelings about where their marriage went wrong and how he could have done some things better (because, I mean, he can't speak for her) to maybe make the marriage work. But, I was wrong.
Sure, he starts out saying that his wedding day was so awesome and that they tried counseling but that couldn't force him to stay. Great. But in that same first verse he calls out Kelis' issues, according to him, by saying, "Reason you don't trust men, that's your daddy fault/he in the grave, let it go/he no longer livin/said you caught him cheatin' on mom with other women/ fuck that gotta do with us..." He continues by saying he should have seen the demons when he saw her screaming "Hate You so Much," which was her first single. The rest of the song goes on to describe the relationship - things that were publicized and some thing that weren't - with the third verse talking about how her lawyers told her what she'd be getting in the divorce proceedings as well as him defending the same relationship in front of people who spoke ill of them being together. By the very end he was saying he'd get married again when he meets the "truest type."
I'm sorry, Nasir...what?! I'm trying to understand where it's cool to put your ex-wife and mother of your child on blast like this just because you feel the need to get some things off your chest. Sure, we've all heard a song or read a book where a person is expressing themselves about a past relationship and it's very compelling. But there's a way to do everything and this seems wrong. In an attempt to further his sales when the Life Is Good album comes out, he not only used the woman's wedding dress (he says she left it behind when she left him) to be controversial but he put things out about her that I don't recall knowing. This is not cool.
Yes, there's the idea that it's freedom of speech and the forum that he has can be used in any way he sees fit. I'm well aware of that as I'm using this space to voice my displeasure. But when the situation is more involved than her having just been a girlfriend, there's a moment where you would think that common sense takes over and you either approach it at a different, more neutral angle or...you don't say anything at all. Kelis has yet to say anything negative about him; just two weeks ago she address the 'wedding dress' album cover by saying, "My feelings about it are not really relevant, but you know at the end of the day Nas is an artist...I feel like especially for someone in hip-hop to kind of be genuine and honest, whatever the honesty is about, I think it’s awesome." Is she perfect? Of course not. Does she share the blame for the demise of marriage? I'm sure she played a part. But she seems to know that they have a kid together and to say anything obviously or subliminally negative about Nas serves no point. Stakes are high once you've been married and had kids with a person.
Nas, you are back to looking as fine as you were in '94 but does that mean you have to still act like the kid you were then? Don't let this rap shit get have you making a fool of yourself.
Sure, he starts out saying that his wedding day was so awesome and that they tried counseling but that couldn't force him to stay. Great. But in that same first verse he calls out Kelis' issues, according to him, by saying, "Reason you don't trust men, that's your daddy fault/he in the grave, let it go/he no longer livin/said you caught him cheatin' on mom with other women/ fuck that gotta do with us..." He continues by saying he should have seen the demons when he saw her screaming "Hate You so Much," which was her first single. The rest of the song goes on to describe the relationship - things that were publicized and some thing that weren't - with the third verse talking about how her lawyers told her what she'd be getting in the divorce proceedings as well as him defending the same relationship in front of people who spoke ill of them being together. By the very end he was saying he'd get married again when he meets the "truest type."
I'm sorry, Nasir...what?! I'm trying to understand where it's cool to put your ex-wife and mother of your child on blast like this just because you feel the need to get some things off your chest. Sure, we've all heard a song or read a book where a person is expressing themselves about a past relationship and it's very compelling. But there's a way to do everything and this seems wrong. In an attempt to further his sales when the Life Is Good album comes out, he not only used the woman's wedding dress (he says she left it behind when she left him) to be controversial but he put things out about her that I don't recall knowing. This is not cool.
Yes, there's the idea that it's freedom of speech and the forum that he has can be used in any way he sees fit. I'm well aware of that as I'm using this space to voice my displeasure. But when the situation is more involved than her having just been a girlfriend, there's a moment where you would think that common sense takes over and you either approach it at a different, more neutral angle or...you don't say anything at all. Kelis has yet to say anything negative about him; just two weeks ago she address the 'wedding dress' album cover by saying, "My feelings about it are not really relevant, but you know at the end of the day Nas is an artist...I feel like especially for someone in hip-hop to kind of be genuine and honest, whatever the honesty is about, I think it’s awesome." Is she perfect? Of course not. Does she share the blame for the demise of marriage? I'm sure she played a part. But she seems to know that they have a kid together and to say anything obviously or subliminally negative about Nas serves no point. Stakes are high once you've been married and had kids with a person.
Nas, you are back to looking as fine as you were in '94 but does that mean you have to still act like the kid you were then? Don't let this rap shit get have you making a fool of yourself.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Does 'The Hood' Grow Up?
I'm aware of how long it's been since I've written. Actually, I'm lying. I thought it'd been about four or five months but it's been...longer. I haven't much felt like writing but I'm inspired lately. At least for a little while. Moving on to the point of this post...
I live in Brooklyn in one of those areas that is constantly undergoing a change in terms of its look in terms of the stores and primarily, the racial makeup. Bed-Stuy made a very quick change from being an all black neighborhood to being very mixed with both black and white people. The stores and restaurants, by and large, make you feel like you're in Manhattan. It isn't the Bed-Stuy I grew up around (having went to school there for 10 years and having family there) but for as much as many of us hate the "new" Bed-Stuy, a large majority of it is safer to live than it was 15 years ago.
But back to my hood. The racial makeup here, too, is slowly (and I mean, slowly) changing. White people are moving in more and more because it is still slightly more affordable than Bed-Stuy and other neighborhoods. The new stadium is being built, old establishments are moving or closing down and new buildings and stores are being built to go along with that stadium. I suspect that as the new establishments are created further in the hood, it will actually become more safe. For now, I still believe that I live in a very volatile neighborhood.
When I walk around my neighborhood, I observe the people who grew up here (I actually grew up about five blocks away) and see how they treat their homes. Although there is great potential for growth - with or without white people or new establishments - here, it doesn't seem like anyone wants better for the area. It appears that they'd rather it be the same place it has always been and not become a safer place for children to live. There are still a couple of crack houses on this block, cops coming here weekly to break up a dispute or two and as I've been told, occasional break-ins. There have been block association meetings but for as many people who live on the block which is 75% apartment buildings, not many people every attend.
I've never been afraid to live here. Though where I grew up has made a complete about face in its aesthetics and safety, it used to be just like where I currently live. Part of the change came because white people started moving in but the other part was that people started caring more about where they live. The things that used to be tolerable soon became unacceptable by the residents of maybe a three block radius. I don't want to discount the affect white people moving in had about such change (because that definitely helped) but it just seemed to me that people became tired of the same ol' thing. If you'd been selling drugs on the corner for 15 years, then maybe they couldn't get rid of you completely but maybe you realized it wasn't going to be on the corner anymore. Basically, the hood grew up.
I'm nervous for my neighborhood. The residents don't seem to want change and appear to be totally fine with being resistant to it. I'd say a good 80% of the people who live on the block were born and raised here so therefore, nothing is really going to happen in terms of self-change unless they contribute. What can happen, however, is that the neighborhood can be forced into change. Forget the new stadium and other businesses it will bring; the owners of the apartment buildings on my block and surrounding blocks can decide to go condo and push people out of their homes. The few legitimate mom and pop stores that are still open can have their leases raised making it unaffordable and be ran out. So we'll then mature into the second or third coming of the "new" Bed-Stuy and it'll be the next best place to live.
Why wouldn't a neighborhood, especially in this day, want better for itself? What needs to be done to our mentality to not care about making our neighborhood better to make it appealing to white people but rather, to make us feel better about where we live? Sure we can blame the city and the government but if we all tried a little more then at least we know we've continued to do our part. This whole thing has sort of troubled me for the last two or three years (I've lived here longer but the idea just fully took shape two or three years ago).
Is there some type of dignity, honor or pride in having 'the hood' remain in its oldest and truest form? Is this just...the way it is?
I live in Brooklyn in one of those areas that is constantly undergoing a change in terms of its look in terms of the stores and primarily, the racial makeup. Bed-Stuy made a very quick change from being an all black neighborhood to being very mixed with both black and white people. The stores and restaurants, by and large, make you feel like you're in Manhattan. It isn't the Bed-Stuy I grew up around (having went to school there for 10 years and having family there) but for as much as many of us hate the "new" Bed-Stuy, a large majority of it is safer to live than it was 15 years ago.
But back to my hood. The racial makeup here, too, is slowly (and I mean, slowly) changing. White people are moving in more and more because it is still slightly more affordable than Bed-Stuy and other neighborhoods. The new stadium is being built, old establishments are moving or closing down and new buildings and stores are being built to go along with that stadium. I suspect that as the new establishments are created further in the hood, it will actually become more safe. For now, I still believe that I live in a very volatile neighborhood.
When I walk around my neighborhood, I observe the people who grew up here (I actually grew up about five blocks away) and see how they treat their homes. Although there is great potential for growth - with or without white people or new establishments - here, it doesn't seem like anyone wants better for the area. It appears that they'd rather it be the same place it has always been and not become a safer place for children to live. There are still a couple of crack houses on this block, cops coming here weekly to break up a dispute or two and as I've been told, occasional break-ins. There have been block association meetings but for as many people who live on the block which is 75% apartment buildings, not many people every attend.
I've never been afraid to live here. Though where I grew up has made a complete about face in its aesthetics and safety, it used to be just like where I currently live. Part of the change came because white people started moving in but the other part was that people started caring more about where they live. The things that used to be tolerable soon became unacceptable by the residents of maybe a three block radius. I don't want to discount the affect white people moving in had about such change (because that definitely helped) but it just seemed to me that people became tired of the same ol' thing. If you'd been selling drugs on the corner for 15 years, then maybe they couldn't get rid of you completely but maybe you realized it wasn't going to be on the corner anymore. Basically, the hood grew up.
I'm nervous for my neighborhood. The residents don't seem to want change and appear to be totally fine with being resistant to it. I'd say a good 80% of the people who live on the block were born and raised here so therefore, nothing is really going to happen in terms of self-change unless they contribute. What can happen, however, is that the neighborhood can be forced into change. Forget the new stadium and other businesses it will bring; the owners of the apartment buildings on my block and surrounding blocks can decide to go condo and push people out of their homes. The few legitimate mom and pop stores that are still open can have their leases raised making it unaffordable and be ran out. So we'll then mature into the second or third coming of the "new" Bed-Stuy and it'll be the next best place to live.
Why wouldn't a neighborhood, especially in this day, want better for itself? What needs to be done to our mentality to not care about making our neighborhood better to make it appealing to white people but rather, to make us feel better about where we live? Sure we can blame the city and the government but if we all tried a little more then at least we know we've continued to do our part. This whole thing has sort of troubled me for the last two or three years (I've lived here longer but the idea just fully took shape two or three years ago).
Is there some type of dignity, honor or pride in having 'the hood' remain in its oldest and truest form? Is this just...the way it is?
Friday, September 23, 2011
One Last Teardrop
I like to believe I'm a strong person. I'm very clear-headed about most situations that I've been in and even when I don't want to, I prevail with something very...smart in terms of resolution. But I've also learned over the years that I am also fairly sensitive. Listen: I cry at tv shows and movies at the drop of a dime. Let someone say one sad sentence or the scene be emotional, I'm a wreck. I cry at the SAME scenes when watching "Antwone Fisher," Steel Magnolias" and during the scene when Will and Uncle Phil are having the one on one after Will's dad leaves on "Fresh Prince." So yes, I'm a crier at times. More emotional during fake things than I am during things that happen in my own life.
But when I do cry over something happening in my life, I get really upset at myself. While I've heard that crying can make you feel better (even though this says otherwise), I often come out on the other side of crying session - whether it be six or 60 minutes - feeling like a punk or weak. Then I'm mad that I allowed myself to get to that point. Crying in front of people? Forget about it. I might as well send myself to the guillotine if that happens. In my mind, it is not smart to let people see you cry because depending on the person, they use it against you. Don't get me wrong: I'm SLIGHTLY okay with crying in front of certain people because they only want the best for me. But still...I'd rather not. I wonder if this is part of being emotionally unavailable (which I'm not sure that I am or not..another topic, another day).
Oddly enough, I urge others to get out a cry if they need it. I don't say it to see them at a "weak point" because quite frankly, I don't find crying for others to be weak. Perhaps it's the part of me that always wants to help someone and make things better for them if I can. But for me and my problems...I'll figure it out.
NO TEARS ALLOWED.
Complicated Note: While I have been crying more than I'd like to admit lately (and actually let a couple tears slip in from of someone I TOTALLY shouldn't have), this post didn't come based on my random thoughts. I was actually watching Jersey Shore and Jenny was crying because her boyfriend couldn't come to Italy. While I was upset for her and felt like I'd cry in the same situation, I also thought "UGH, I'd feel like such an ass for crying so hard over that." I need to grow up.
But when I do cry over something happening in my life, I get really upset at myself. While I've heard that crying can make you feel better (even though this says otherwise), I often come out on the other side of crying session - whether it be six or 60 minutes - feeling like a punk or weak. Then I'm mad that I allowed myself to get to that point. Crying in front of people? Forget about it. I might as well send myself to the guillotine if that happens. In my mind, it is not smart to let people see you cry because depending on the person, they use it against you. Don't get me wrong: I'm SLIGHTLY okay with crying in front of certain people because they only want the best for me. But still...I'd rather not. I wonder if this is part of being emotionally unavailable (which I'm not sure that I am or not..another topic, another day).
Oddly enough, I urge others to get out a cry if they need it. I don't say it to see them at a "weak point" because quite frankly, I don't find crying for others to be weak. Perhaps it's the part of me that always wants to help someone and make things better for them if I can. But for me and my problems...I'll figure it out.
NO TEARS ALLOWED.
Complicated Note: While I have been crying more than I'd like to admit lately (and actually let a couple tears slip in from of someone I TOTALLY shouldn't have), this post didn't come based on my random thoughts. I was actually watching Jersey Shore and Jenny was crying because her boyfriend couldn't come to Italy. While I was upset for her and felt like I'd cry in the same situation, I also thought "UGH, I'd feel like such an ass for crying so hard over that." I need to grow up.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
HIDDEN
If you ever have a conversation with me, you'll quickly learn that I have an opinion on almost everything. I try to keep up with a little bit of everything just so I won't look silly when people bring up subjects. I don't like to feel stupid on my own and I don't like to be made to feel stupid by anyone else. So on subjects of life, politics, entertainment, etc...I can SOMETHING at all times.
But then there's the "little" topic of...ME. I've long since known that I'm a private person. But not private in the way you'd think. If there is something going on and I think that something which has happened to me in the past can help, I'm more than willing to share. Hell, I'm more than willing to share if nothing has happened. I just don't find that my "business" is so personal that I can't share it.
What is private - maybe even from myself - is my feelings about me and my life. I can be sensitive but only when something really hurts me and can almost easily identify the feelings that relate to it. But just in general? I don't think I know. I don't believe I'm "hiding" from these feelings. This all stemmed from a letter I received from my mom who is worried about our relationship and my very quiet and at times, closed off demeanor. I mentioned it to Lucky and she said she noticed it too but she knows I have feelings and loves me all the same (great friend, she is). But this is something I need to work on little by little.
I don't know where to start or how. Every time I think about it, I get a little misty-eyes because I'm not really sure of the steps to take to be a more open person. No, I don't want to become a big ol' "sap" or anything but I want to do better so that I can have even better relationships with people in my life that I care about. I mentioned this to the FP and he said that he doesn't necessarily have that "problem" with me but then again, he isn't sure. He totally agrees with Lucky in that I have a feeling about almost everything except for the things that have to do with me.
As I try to pull back a layer and find a question I wonder, "Now what?" I mean, what am I supposed to do with the thoughts that go with it? How do I figure it out? If I can't figure it out on my own, should I go to therapy (which I'm not against at all)?
I'm not depressed or anything about it and it doesn't take up my thoughts for the day. But as I do think about it more and more, I find myself feeling a little...
LOST.
But then there's the "little" topic of...ME. I've long since known that I'm a private person. But not private in the way you'd think. If there is something going on and I think that something which has happened to me in the past can help, I'm more than willing to share. Hell, I'm more than willing to share if nothing has happened. I just don't find that my "business" is so personal that I can't share it.
What is private - maybe even from myself - is my feelings about me and my life. I can be sensitive but only when something really hurts me and can almost easily identify the feelings that relate to it. But just in general? I don't think I know. I don't believe I'm "hiding" from these feelings. This all stemmed from a letter I received from my mom who is worried about our relationship and my very quiet and at times, closed off demeanor. I mentioned it to Lucky and she said she noticed it too but she knows I have feelings and loves me all the same (great friend, she is). But this is something I need to work on little by little.
I don't know where to start or how. Every time I think about it, I get a little misty-eyes because I'm not really sure of the steps to take to be a more open person. No, I don't want to become a big ol' "sap" or anything but I want to do better so that I can have even better relationships with people in my life that I care about. I mentioned this to the FP and he said that he doesn't necessarily have that "problem" with me but then again, he isn't sure. He totally agrees with Lucky in that I have a feeling about almost everything except for the things that have to do with me.
As I try to pull back a layer and find a question I wonder, "Now what?" I mean, what am I supposed to do with the thoughts that go with it? How do I figure it out? If I can't figure it out on my own, should I go to therapy (which I'm not against at all)?
I'm not depressed or anything about it and it doesn't take up my thoughts for the day. But as I do think about it more and more, I find myself feeling a little...
LOST.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
INSPIRATION.
Comes from...
...Being thrown around so quickly that you barely get to see what's happening.
Comes from...
...Knowing you're good at what you do and that it'll likely never be enough.
Comes from...
...Observing that other people see how good you are and take advantage of it.
Comes from...
...Comes from realizing very quickly how unhappy you are in a situation.
Comes from...
...Seeing other people figure out ways to live their dreams regardless of huge, material success.
Comes from...
...Knowing that your talents are awesome yet you don't hone them, perfect them and let the world see them.
Comes from...
...Other people having so much faith in you.
Comes from...
...Knowing that opportunities won't always be there if you continue to let them pass.
Yes, I am...INSPIRED.
...Being thrown around so quickly that you barely get to see what's happening.
Comes from...
...Knowing you're good at what you do and that it'll likely never be enough.
Comes from...
...Observing that other people see how good you are and take advantage of it.
Comes from...
...Comes from realizing very quickly how unhappy you are in a situation.
Comes from...
...Seeing other people figure out ways to live their dreams regardless of huge, material success.
Comes from...
...Knowing that your talents are awesome yet you don't hone them, perfect them and let the world see them.
Comes from...
...Other people having so much faith in you.
Comes from...
...Knowing that opportunities won't always be there if you continue to let them pass.
Yes, I am...INSPIRED.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)