HIDDEN

If you ever have a conversation with me, you'll quickly learn that I have an opinion on almost everything. I try to keep up with a little bit of everything just so I won't look silly when people bring up subjects. I don't like to feel stupid on my own and I don't like to be made to feel stupid by anyone else. So on subjects of life, politics, entertainment, etc...I can SOMETHING at all times.

But then there's the "little" topic of...ME. I've long since known that I'm a private person. But not private in the way you'd think. If there is something going on and I think that something which has happened to me in the past can help, I'm more than willing to share. Hell, I'm more than willing to share if nothing has happened. I just don't find that my "business" is so personal that I can't share it.

What is private - maybe even from myself - is my feelings about me and my life. I can be sensitive but only when something really hurts me and can almost easily identify the feelings that relate to it. But just in general? I don't think I know. I don't believe I'm "hiding" from these feelings. This all stemmed from a letter I received from my mom who is worried about our relationship and my very quiet and at times, closed off demeanor. I mentioned it to Lucky and she said she noticed it too but she knows I have feelings and loves me all the same (great friend, she is). But this is something I need to work on little by little.

I don't know where to start or how. Every time I think about it, I get a little misty-eyes because I'm not really sure of the steps to take to be a more open person. No, I don't want to become a big ol' "sap" or anything but I want to do better so that I can have even better relationships with people in my life that I care about. I mentioned this to the FP and he said that he doesn't necessarily have that "problem" with me but then again, he isn't sure. He totally agrees with Lucky in that I have a feeling about almost everything except for the things that have to do with me.

As I try to pull back a layer and find a question I wonder, "Now what?" I mean, what am I supposed to do with the thoughts that go with it? How do I figure it out? If I can't figure it out on my own, should I go to therapy (which I'm not against at all)?

I'm not depressed or anything about it and it doesn't take up my thoughts for the day. But as I do think about it more and more, I find myself feeling a little...

LOST.