The Simple Complication

One Last Teardrop

2011-09-23T10:00:00.001-04:00

I like to believe I'm a strong person. I'm very clear-headed about most situations that I've been in and even when I don't want to, I prevail with something very...smart in terms of resolution. But I've also learned over the years that I am also fairly sensitive. Listen: I cry at tv shows and movies at the drop of a dime. Let someone say one sad sentence or the scene be emotional, I'm a wreck. I cry at the SAME scenes when watching "Antwone Fisher," Steel Magnolias" and during the scene when Will and Uncle Phil are having the one on one after Will's dad leaves on "Fresh Prince." So yes, I'm a crier at times. More emotional during fake things than I am during things that happen in my own life.

But when I do cry over something happening in my life, I get really upset at myself. While I've heard that crying can make you feel better (even though this says otherwise), I often come out on the other side of crying session - whether it be six or 60 minutes - feeling like a punk or weak. Then I'm mad that I allowed myself to get to that point. Crying in front of people? Forget about it. I might as well send myself to the guillotine if that happens. In my mind, it is not smart to let people see you cry because depending on the person, they use it against you. Don't get me wrong: I'm SLIGHTLY okay with crying in front of certain people because they only want the best for me. But still...I'd rather not. I wonder if this is part of being emotionally unavailable (which I'm not sure that I am or not..another topic, another day).

Oddly enough, I urge others to get out a cry if they need it. I don't say it to see them at a "weak point" because quite frankly, I don't find crying for others to be weak. Perhaps it's the part of me that always wants to help someone and make things better for them if I can. But for me and my problems...I'll figure it out.

NO TEARS ALLOWED.

Complicated Note: While I have been crying more than I'd like to admit lately (and actually let a couple tears slip in from of someone I TOTALLY shouldn't have), this post didn't come based on my random thoughts. I was actually watching Jersey Shore and Jenny was crying because her boyfriend couldn't come to Italy. While I was upset for her and felt like I'd cry in the same situation, I also thought "UGH, I'd feel like such an ass for crying so hard over that." I need to grow up.

HIDDEN

2011-08-30T10:00:00.000-04:00

If you ever have a conversation with me, you'll quickly learn that I have an opinion on almost everything. I try to keep up with a little bit of everything just so I won't look silly when people bring up subjects. I don't like to feel stupid on my own and I don't like to be made to feel stupid by anyone else. So on subjects of life, politics, entertainment, etc...I can SOMETHING at all times.

But then there's the "little" topic of...ME. I've long since known that I'm a private person. But not private in the way you'd think. If there is something going on and I think that something which has happened to me in the past can help, I'm more than willing to share. Hell, I'm more than willing to share if nothing has happened. I just don't find that my "business" is so personal that I can't share it.

What is private - maybe even from myself - is my feelings about me and my life. I can be sensitive but only when something really hurts me and can almost easily identify the feelings that relate to it. But just in general? I don't think I know. I don't believe I'm "hiding" from these feelings. This all stemmed from a letter I received from my mom who is worried about our relationship and my very quiet and at times, closed off demeanor. I mentioned it to Lucky and she said she noticed it too but she knows I have feelings and loves me all the same (great friend, she is). But this is something I need to work on little by little.

I don't know where to start or how. Every time I think about it, I get a little misty-eyes because I'm not really sure of the steps to take to be a more open person. No, I don't want to become a big ol' "sap" or anything but I want to do better so that I can have even better relationships with people in my life that I care about. I mentioned this to the FP and he said that he doesn't necessarily have that "problem" with me but then again, he isn't sure. He totally agrees with Lucky in that I have a feeling about almost everything except for the things that have to do with me.

As I try to pull back a layer and find a question I wonder, "Now what?" I mean, what am I supposed to do with the thoughts that go with it? How do I figure it out? If I can't figure it out on my own, should I go to therapy (which I'm not against at all)?

I'm not depressed or anything about it and it doesn't take up my thoughts for the day. But as I do think about it more and more, I find myself feeling a little...

LOST.

INSPIRATION.

2011-08-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

Comes from...

...Being thrown around so quickly that you barely get to see what's happening.

Comes from...

...Knowing you're good at what you do and that it'll likely never be enough.

Comes from...

...Observing that other people see how good you are and take advantage of it.

Comes from...

...Comes from realizing very quickly how unhappy you are in a situation.

Comes from...

...Seeing other people figure out ways to live their dreams regardless of huge, material success.

Comes from...

...Knowing that your talents are awesome yet you don't hone them, perfect them and let the world see them.

Comes from...

...Other people having so much faith in you.

Comes from...

...Knowing that opportunities won't always be there if you continue to let them pass.

Yes, I am...INSPIRED.

Music Snob: Musical Peter Pans

2011-07-21T09:35:00.000-04:00

I'm part of the 90s generation of music - Mary, Usher, Jay, R. Kelly, etc - that has always been excited because our faves have withstood the hands of musical time, much like our parents' favorite artists who are still going strong. But the 90s artists have lost their minds. Our generation's legends have gone way left and decided not to grow up with their fans - their paying customers. They are insisting upon recording and singing for people who aren't paying to hear them: teenagers. Teens, as much as they might like a song in the moment, aren't going to see our 90s "kings and queens" who have managed to ease into 2011. So sadly, they are possibly ruining their own musical legacies. I have a problem with this - a big one. It is beyond me why they won't realize that no matter how hard they try to remain "young," they just cannot play to people under 23 and satisfy those over that age. Those that grew up with them and "remember when."

This entire post stems from three of the four I mentioned in the first paragraph - Mary, Usher and Jay - and will therefore address my issues with them one at a time. I leave R. Kelly off because (1) I'm not a huge fan anymore, (2) he seems to have found the error of his musical ways and (3) despite my not being a fan anymore, his latest release is great. So let's get down to business...

Mary: I am MOST disturbed by my beloved MJB. Nobody can do "feel" a song like her or bust a Mary stomp. But the buck stops there. I'm not in the mood for autotune Mary from the last album nor am I with this Mary who is doing some weird type of singing on her latest song with Lil Wayne and Diddy. I don't want the beatdown Mary back; I'm cool with "happy" Mary but I want the Mary that sings from the heart. It is just my opinion but it seems that she is making a desperate attempt at staying on a V-103 or Hot 97 type of station versus growing up and accepting that YES, Mary, you are a grown woman who needs to stop playing down to these kids who really don't give a damn what you put out. THEY'RE. NOT. BUYING. IT. Let's keep it real: How many of those hip-hop stations would play the music had Wayne not been on it? Yeah, I'll wait and let's leave it at that with her.

Usher: Geez. I don't know what went wrong here. He got married and it seems to have all gone downhill from there. I certainly won't blame it on the marriage because if anything, it might inspire you to write (or select if you're not a writer) better material. Instead, I'll say that Usher [rightfully] shifted his priorities but was never able to get them back when it was time to make music. This latest album - though I like it more than the previous release - shows ME (you don't have to agree) he wanted to hit the trends in music and put the album together and get it out there. He's a megastar so it was no surprise we saw him everywhere. But his vocals have been almost always off, the dancing was lazy and he just showed no gumption about himself in music. It's just...gone.

Jay-Z: Jay is my heart. I've loved him since before his first album and was just hearing him randomly on a couple of tapes. I'm going to make this simple: he doesn't give a damn about putting out good lyrics - this is just something to do. Yet, he continues to mention "I got my swagger back." HELLOOOOO, this means that you know something is wrong!! But he won't stop. The bleeding continues and yet whenever a new song comes out with him on it, people act like it is awesome. STOP.

Am I rambling? NO. This has a point: This has to stop. The legends are bringing themselves down and are making us all screw our faces up. The ones I mentioned aren't the only ones but these are most important for me to discuss now. These boys and girls must grow up. You can't put out kid music forever.

Broke and Opinionated

2011-07-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Every Saturday - seriously, EVERY Saturday - a group of men are outside of my window waking me up with their early morning banter. Now, I'm not sure if it is the same group but they tend to talk about the same things: women, sex, money and the general shit talking of the passers-by. Here's the thing: they live in a shelter. They're outside talking because they are REQUIRED to leave the premises for most of the day so that it can be cleaned and inspected. You should hear them (an excerpt from two weekends ago): "Yeah, I called that [bleep] and she wanted to go out and shit. I wasn't with it...she was mad. Fuck it. Called the next [bleep]." Last weekend, I heard them talking real slick about some people; I looked out the window and they were talking about people who live in my building. SERIOUSLY?! You're talking about people who pay rent and likely have some sort of job while you're in the shelter (and some I've seen just as long as I've been in my apartment so they're not on some "Pursuit of Happiness" type of thing).

As I was telling my co-workers about them, I wondered if I were being stuck up or something. Like, people who live in a shelter should be free to have their opinions on men/women, money and other people, right? I guess they should. But in my mind, NO THEY AREN'T. Stop talking about other people and go get your life right! While you're outside the shelter waiting for them to re-open, you can use the library for free to find out where the free Saturday programs are to help you get your world together. NO, you cannot talk about the woman who won't give you any because...WAIT. What employed woman with even one-tenth of common sense is even giving you the time of day? Back to the point. How are you talking about a woman not giving you any when you spend your days outside the shelter just waiting to go back in?

Is this some type of "manly" thing? Something in the "Gender Rules" that men who don't even have their own pot to piss in still have the ability to talk down about others and it be accepted? If it were a woman, I believe that other people in my building and folks walking down the street would actually SAY something to them along the lines of, "You ought to be ashamed of yourself being a woman out here doing nothing. Get a job." I truly believe that even in the midst of being at your lowest level of poor, gender laws and rules still apply.

I don't know if I'm being bougie about this but I stand my ground. I also think that there's a bigger issue here. I wonder if I did a real study and had "fake homeless women" out there talking about those same topics would people listen. Maybe I should contact John Quinones from "What Would You Do?"

Just some thoughts.

The Silent Friend

2011-07-12T10:00:00.001-04:00

Friendships can be difficult. You have to know how to "handle" certain people. If you're a true friend, you know that honesty is most important - but you have to know how to give it to each person. Some can take that "blunt talk" while others, try as they may, can't take it and need to be told the truth but in a more "soft" way. When asked about situations, friends normally give the REAL about what they think or they take more of a psychiatrist's approach and asks questions which all but spills out how they really feel. Either way, it's a point that's generally understood.

Then there's the gift of...silence. When you tell someone about something you're going through or something you're about to do and they say NOTHING, it tells you everything. Sure, you can say, "Hey what do you think about that" or, "Why are you so quiet," but you know the answer. They completely disapprove and though as we get older we care less and less about what people think of us and our actions, we want our friends' opinions (at least the good friends who've always been loyal and honest) about said situation.

I've been on both sides of the coin. On the heads side: A friend has been going through something for at least 9 years and after the first two to three years of listening and voicing my displeasure (oh I can be real "stank"), I decided that enough was enough. I told her and our other friends who would listen that I no longer wanted to hear about it because I thought it to be stupid and ridiculous. For the record, the other friends did too but they think/thought that as a friend, they should listen. When my friend would bring up the topic, I'd blank stare and she'd say, "Ok ok, I know you don't want to hear it." Lately, she's been slipping it in to our conversations but my silence on the other end of the phone makes her totally uncomfortable and she will always say, "Ok...moving on."

On the tails: My friend didn't like a way I was handling something. She thought I was giving more than I was getting out of a situation. I always saw her point but [somewhat] disagreed so I continued to tell her and she'd give her opinion. One day, I told her something (don't remember what it was)and she said, "Oh ok." At that moment, I knew she was not checking for it anymore and preferred that I give it a rest...at least for a little while. I wasn't upset or even hurt; I just came to the conclusion that she thought, "What the hell else can I say to this grown woman? She's going to do what she wants." Indeed.

The Point of It All? The silence is not [necessarily] meant for you to think your friend no longer cares about the things going on in your world. Perhaps, they want the best for you and know that nothing they say can help you. So by saying nothing, you get an idea of their opinion without having to literally hear it again (thought we know that silence speaks loud too). You have to come to your own realizations and if you don't, you have to be able to sit well with that too. On your Own.

Just some thoughts.

The Female Approach

2011-06-22T10:40:00.001-04:00

Last week at a going away dinner, a friend was trying to give me tips on how to walk the fine line between flirting and being my "always cool and down to earth" self. Here's the thing: most of my friends think that I'm SO down to earth when I'm talking to men that they can't tell if I'm interested in them or not to go on a date. They say, "You have to get a little touchy feely or say a little something that gives them that vibe." My girl Shana then said, "Or you could just approach it on some 'What's good' and let it be taken from there." We know by now I'm not THAT girl so that was laughed off but another friend said, "No because if you do the approaching, then they expect them to chase you. It's over."

I disagree. Again, I'm not the woman who is going to approach a man first that I might have some interest in but I certainly don't believe that this now leaves the door open for us to do the chasing. I've witnessed with my own eyes women doing the approaching and really, the men have seemingly taken the lead from there. My friends who've done this? They have gotten similar results: the men have called them continuously (without the woman having called first), they've asked the women on dates and whatever else goes along in the courting process for them. The only thing that was different was the initial "hello." For reference, I asked a couple of guy friends if they expect a woman to always be the one to "chase" if she approaches and the exchange numbers and they all said the exact same thing: "Not at all. Once the numbers are exchanged, it can go back to the guy chasing."

As a whole, I think we have to slow down on the idea of always seeing who's winning "the race." Yes, as women we like to be able to SEE that the man (or men) we're dating or trying to date is showing serious interest because let's face it: when we're really feeling a guy, we get all caught up and don't always realize that we're giving a little more than we're giving. But when its right, its right and only one person is slightly in the lead, lol. But the person doing the "most" chasing (especially when they're just jumping all the way out there) isn't doing so because they got the number first; they're doing it because they don't know how to be stopped and want to make sure the person they're after will dig them.

So ladies, if you want to approach a man and aren't fearful of rejection or anything like that, go ahead. That doesn't mean that you have to go 0 to 90 in chasing him. Men, just because she approaches you, don't think that she's going to be running up behind you all the time.

That's all.

Words of Love After It's Over

2011-06-14T10:00:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was reading gossip sites, getting what was probably my second or third dose of "celebreality" for the day when I came upon a piece on Justin Timberlake's recent interview with Vanity Fair. Now, if any of you follow the celebs, Justin has always been in the tabloids for being quite the ladies' man and during this particular relationship with Jessica Biel, the paps have allegedly caught him plenty of times with woman who aren't Jess. Apparently they asked about their breakup and he said, "She is the single-handedly most significant person in my life. In my 30 years, she is the most special person, okay? … I don't want to say much more, because I have to protect things that are dear to me – for instance, her."

Instantly, I rolled my eyes. If I believe the rags, then it's obvious why I would roll my eyes about such an admission of "affection," or whatever you want to call it, post-breakup. Even if I didn't believe anything the rags were saying, JT can miss me with that mess. Like...DON'T ANSWER THE QUESTION WITH THAT TYPE OF RESPONSE. Say, "What we had was special and our time together will always mean something to me." Anything "deeper" leaves me feeling a certain type of way. So you allegedly cheated (on a semi-regular basis) on the single-handled most significant person in your life? Is that part of the JT web?

But this is not just celebs. So often when people break up - particularly when one person has lost all their marbles and done something terribly wrong - mutual friends hear so much of the after-story. What do we so often hear from the person who's messed up? "You know I love him/her. He/She means sooo much to me. I'll never find anyone better." What? Shut up. What is the point? Are you trying to make sure that the message gets back to the wronged? Do you want to make yourself look like a fellow "victim?" Is this a way to make sure you stay on your ex's mind until you're ready (or if it was a mutual breakup, until you guys possibly find your way back to each other)? What? Hell, maybe you DO actually feel that way. But guess what? So sad, too bad. Actually, I think even less of a person who has to make these types of professions to anyone who'll listen. Contact your ex directly to get the guilt (because that's what it is) off your chest or keep it to yourself altogether.

Maybe I'm a little jaded and am using very harsh judgment in cases I know nothing about (I've never been in a situation like this) but my heart (and my attitude) on this almost jumped out of my chest when I read the story. I was actually ranting at my office to just about anyone who would listen to me. So weigh in. Am I jumping to rash conclusions? On to something? Have you been there before?

Let's discuss.

Meet The Parents

2011-06-10T10:00:00.000-04:00

Okay, so by now most of you know (and if you don't and are new to reading, you'll see in the next few words) that I've tried to steer clear of men with children. I casually dated a guy off and on for about a year and a half with a child but I knew we'd never be serious so I didn't think too much about it. For me, its a Catch 22: I don't need a lot of attention but when I do need/want it, I want it WHEN I want it and don't really want to have to "wait." At the same time, if you DARE drop me for your child, I'm giving you all kinds of side eye and wondering in my mind, "What kind of man drops his child just because his girl wanted some damn attention. ILL." So because of that, I've mostly stayed away from it. But for the last year, I've slowly - and I mean, sloooooowly - started rethinking things and maybe it's okay for me to date a man with a child. It has nothing to do with me getting older; I just think it isn't always that big of a deal to date a man who has (and presumably, takes good care of) a child. A CHILD. ONE. I'm not yet open to more than that but who knows! Moving on...

With this new thinking of me dating this currently invisible man with a child comes the mother of this child. For the sake of the post, let's say mother and father of the child have a cordial relationship. They may or may not be good friends but they're good co-parents working together for the sake of their child's well-being. Now, here I come into the picture. After having spent ample time together (whatever that may be) and building our relationship, Invisible Man thinks I should meet his child. Now the nervousness might set in because this is HIS child and I want to make sure I make a good impression; but being the person I am, I will because I'm actually REALLY, REALLY good with kids. *brushes that dirt off my shoulder* So I know things would go well and we would keep on keeping on with our relationship.

But hold up. Is there a protocol here? Am I supposed to meet his child's mother first? Should I bring it up on a, "Hey I know we're moving things to a super serious level but don't you think I should meet his (for grammatical purposes) mother" tip? Is he supposed to tell me - especially if they're cordial - that he wants me to meet his child's mother?

I always wonder how that works because the last thing I'd want to be is disrespectful, especially if there's a possibility that I'll be spending a lot of time around MY Invisible Man's child. In my head, if I had a child and was getting serious with someone who was not his father, I'd try to make sure they're introduced so at least my child's father would know who he'd be around. It isn't for "approval" or anything, but I think I would think I'm showing some respect by doing so. And I'd LIKE for that to work if the tables were turned. Is that doing the most? And LORD, what happens if the parents of a child can't stand each other? Then what (my mind tells me to run but I don't know if that's right) do you do?

Meeting the parents...what's the protocol? Let's discuss.

The Color of You

2011-05-26T13:40:00.000-04:00

While I was on "The Devil" last night (check my last post for what "The Devil" actually is), a friend of mine posted a video which showed a preview of Bill Duke's new documentary Dark Girls. As I watched the four minute video, I cringed a couple of times. As a Black woman, I've obviously been involved in many race related conversations and the dialogue has, by and large, been between other Black people. We've argued about interracial relationships, "the man" bringing us down and a host of other things. But, one of the most heated debates I've ever witness was the light-skinned vs. dark-skinned "issue."

It is my belief that this issue which has plagued us for YEARS is one of our biggest downfalls. Dark-skinned women have continuously been shunned for their complexions, whether it be in music videos (and not just the infamous "video hoe," which I don't believe anyone wants to REALLY be portrayed - I'm talking about a regular lead), movies or tv shows, in their relationships and lest we forget, the paper bag test which some might say really catapulted this problem. I've never, EVER had a problem with my complexion. I've always been taught to love who I am and what I am and whoever doesn't like it...well, they can kick rocks. But sadly, some of my other sisters have not been told that and if they have, they've not been able to believe it. And how can they? One woman in the video stated they her friends saw a pretty black woman and they said, "...she's pretty for a dark-skinned girl." I've been told the same thing and being that these are one of the topics that have the tendency to rile me up, a side eye with a slick comment is right around the bend. Another woman in the film said she heard her own mother speak so highly of her and then said at the end, "...can you imagine if she had any lightness in her skin at all? She'd be gorgeous." This is from someone's mother. Names like "tar baby," "blackie," and "monkey"have been thrown around towards dark-skinned women for YEARS so its no wonder some of us can't "get past it." If it were that easy, it may have changed a long time ago.

Further in the video, it shows a man saying that he'd rather not date a dark-skinned woman because she would look weird with him. Now based on the video, the man didn't exactly resemble a glowworm himself but that's neither here nor there. We can be as gung ho as we want but unless that never wavering self-esteem is there, there is the strong possibility that not only will we question ourselves but we'll also accept anything from any man (or any woman, if that's your preference) just so that somebody...anybody will accept us. People are entitled to have a preference in terms of "the look" but it goes beyond just a preference when you outright hate or are disgusted by one of your own because of their complexion. This, in turn, further destroys our families and continues the cycle of self-esteem. This problem - this COLORSTRUCK life that many of of us are living, whether openly or not - is doing more damage than we know.

But, then there's the other side. The side that says, "Okay, so some people don't love dark-skinned women. So what? Get over it." Honestly, I've said it myself a time or two. Part of me does not understand how as we get older, we fully let people have so much control over how we feel about ourselves. Part of me thinks that people still feel the way they feel about dark-skinned women because we as dark-skinned women have not empowered ourselves enough to let it show that we will continue to be beautiful despite what some may say. Again, maybe I have these questions because I've never felt "less than" because I was darker than some other girls and they may have gotten the boy because they were light-skinned (and yes, most had the long hair as well). In having the conversation with some of my friends about this very subject, I've been very clear that they've allowed a voice other than their own lead the way on how they will be seen. The woman in Duke's film? Some of them I truly felt pain for in the pit of my stomach but others, I really believed that they might choose to stay in a place of "feeling bad" because that way, it might give them some sort of an excuse for not pulling themselves out of out of place in their own community. I know having self-esteem isn't always easy to build but it is necessary. Its a cold war out there...we better bundle up.

I could go on and on, without a doubt, on both sides of this. I didn't even want to really touch on the "light-skinned views" I've heard. This post would truly take flight in yet another direction. What I did want to do is just get a starter topic going [again] based on what I saw which focused on how the "Dark Girls" felt about this and how hurt they've been over the years. There is a pain and there is a cut and no matter how much I might feel that we have to get over it ourselves, we must first fully acknowledge that there has been a separation for decades and it will continue (as seen in the preview, there seems to have been a recent version of the Clark Doll Experiment done for the film) and be HONEST about it so that we can perhaps scratch the surface on how to fix this.

How to figure out how we ALL can get out of our own way.

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

The Devil Has a Website?

2011-05-25T10:00:00.000-04:00

In case you've been in a remote part of the world where you are the ONLY person there and there is absolutely no form of communication, Facebook is THE phenomenon of ALL phenomenons. It has over 500 million active users as of July 2010 and it seems as though our connections and re-connections become closer everyday. These connections have led to job opportunities, new and/or rekindled friendships, and new and/or rekindled relationships. It can be exciting, annoying, funny, and downright scandalous sometimes. When it becomes closer to the latter, you almost always hear or read, "Facebook is the devil."

Facebook is the Devil? The DEVIL?? REALLY?

Since I've been a member, I've seen my fair share of relationships crumble right on my screen. On the internet. It has always amazed me that FACEBOOK, a website, is blamed for relationships blowing up in an ugly way. All it has ever been is a platform for people to show a side of themselves that some may not have ever seen. People are behind these profiles. People are the ones posting subliminal wall posts on the jumpoff's profile, thinking no one will notice. People are sending private messages to others that they think will never get out. What happens is curiosity kills the cat and these people who decide to cheat using the internet think it is a way for their dirt to never be found out. So again...how is FACEBOOK the devil?

What is could be is that some people are showing who they really are - sneaky, conniving, and dishonest - via a website. Sadly, when someone's relationship comes to a nasty head out in public, the person on the receiving in adds in a, "Facebook is just the devil. I can't deal with it." No, the person who carried on the indiscretion(s) is the only one of maybe two people who's to blame for the "devilish" behavior.

We need to be honest here: Facebook (and rest its soul, Myspace) has not ever been to blame. I don't think. Am I missing something here? Did the Devil get a username and password?

Let's Discuss.

The Girl Melanie Effect

2011-05-19T10:00:00.000-04:00

In keeping with the mention of Girl Melanie from "The Game" yesterday, a conversation has been brewing within me. For those of you who've never seen the show and those who need a reminder, Melanie decided to forgo medical school at John Hopkins Medical School (her DREAM school and apparently, one of the best) to follow her boyfriend Derwin across the country once he was drafted into the NFL and go to med school in California. Now, some would say, "And? So what she didn't go to John Hopkins - she still went to school." Others would say, "Well, she wanted to live that lavish life and to 'keep the man,' you likely have to follow him." Another alleged example of this scenario, is Ludacris' girlfriend, Eudoxie, who is said to have dropped out of her pre-med program to travel and be with him (some reports say that she failed her MCATs and other reports say he told her to drop out - I don't know the truth but I'm giving alleged "tea"). Again, another example of a woman putting her life "wants" to the side to be with her man.

Now, let me be clear: If your main goal as a woman (because that's who we're talking about here) is to find a man - especially a wealthy or soon to be wealthy one - and "lock him down," then so be it and I suppose you have to do what you have to do. That's not something that I understand because (1) I wasn't raised to "find" a man and (2) once I was old enough to decide what I wanted out of life, carving my own way was always number one on my list. I've always believed that by society's definition (and we believe it too), women already stand in the shadows of men so why not go grab more for yourself first or in conjunction with "having your man?" There is something to be said for a woman whose name and work (no matter WHAT it is or how much money it makes, as long as its her own) can stand by itself. What do you have left of yourself if you drop what you're doing to follow your man's dreams and his life? Again, when you don't fully have anything for your own yet?

Conversely, the argument can be made that why should it matter if they can have all the things (likely material) they want in life and more without having to work that hard for it? You have money, you have a lavish lifestyle (if you have a man who is wealthy or about to be), and hell, you have the man? People primarily work hard so they can do better for themselves so if you don't have to work hard and still reap the same rewards, isn't there a balance? Granted, Girl Melanie had her trials with Derwin (cheating, a baby, his attitude, his celebrity, etc) and if Eudoxie's choices are true, I'm sure she's had her tribulations with Luda (ladies love the guy and he's made no secret that he loves them back), but compared to me...they're CHILLIN. I can barely get all my ducks in a row sometimes to go to the South of the U.S., but these women are lounging in the South of France! I might have to think about if I have the game twisted!

My position is...well, I think that is pretty clear. But what say you? Is it okay to put your life and dreams on temporary or indefinite hold to run the world with your man and follow his life and dreams?

Let's discuss.

The First Time

2011-05-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

Relax, it's not a sexual post...this time.

I have a good friend who admittedly has had visions of grandeur of a dream man and relationship. Now, maybe this dream comes from a fictional "perfect man" that we sometimes see on television who would come her way, and sweep her off her. Of course, they'd get married, buy the house, have some children and add whatever else comes with that "fairytale" life. Here's her reality: she recently started dating a man who is a widower with three children. No, it isn't her ideal situation but she's giving it a whirl. When I asked what was the fairytale she was looking for, she mentioned something that I've only heard once before (on the tv show The Game): "...Just a fairytale about me being a first wife to someone and being the mother of his first children."

Hmmmm.

I thought about this. I thought again. And then I thought some more. I've dated a man with a child and I've dated a divorced man. My preference has always been to not date either of those options if I can help it but we all go against the grain from time to time. In my experiences, the latter of the two listed what I would like to never do again. Having said that, my reasons for not wanting to date any man who comes with one or both of those has never been "because I want to be the first." As I reflected, I can honestly say I never even thought about it that way. In thinking about it now, it still isn't something that holds weight with me. To me, being "the first" only matters because you're literally just that: the first. The reality is that, in my opinion, it doesn't matter. Whether you're the first or - Cupid forbid - the third, if a man is going to be good to you as a husband and/or father, that's just his way. If he's trash as a husband and/or father, then it won't matter that you're the first. It sucks in a major way but it's true.

But this is just me. This is something I know nothing about so I need some views. Ladies, have you or your friends ever had this conversation and learned that one (or all) of you think that way? Men, have you ever been turned down by a woman over this?

Let's discuss.

May/December...Not so much!

2011-05-11T10:00:00.000-04:00

When I was 19 years old, I had an experience with a 28/29 year old man. He was not trying to be in a relationship with me and I, being a college student only home for certain breaks, definitely did not want to be serious with him. At 24, I dated a man who was 32 (ironically, we *stupidly* tried to kick it again when I was 29 and he told me he was 34...blank stare) years old. The latter guy had owned a couple of business, seen a couple of things I definitely hadn't at my age, been married and divorced, and subsequently, was kind of bitter towards women. Yet, he was ready to settle down again and be married/have children. By the end of that, I realized that older men were just not my cup of tea. It wasn't solely because of who he was as a person but rather, he was just on a very different page than I was and I find that more when I do meet men more than 5-7 years older than me.

A friend of mine is 30 and is dating a 43 year old man. She questioned before they started dating if there were such thing as "too old" but even with whatever responses she received, she pursued it. I spoke to her about it prior to writing this and she told me that she chose to give him a try because (1) she doesn't seem to be having any luck with the guys she's been meeting who are closer to her age and (2) he treats her nice and she doesn't want to miss out on a possible "good man" because of her fears over his age. But she does have her reservations: not only is he older but he is a single father already. "Being that he has children already, will he even want to have anymore?" Good question and personally, I think this is what women in particular question as we get older and are involved in dating or just dating, in general, men with children.

But its not just "dating up." A male friend of mine dated a woman who was 28 when he was just a mere 21 year old lad. Now, I don't find that men ever have a problem with dating older women and this was no exception. He enjoyed it but they broke up because of some personal issues he said she had (he knew this was going on the blog so he wasn't about to share which is totally understandable but likely not to be posted if it had nothing to do with the topic). Ironically enough, he says he would never be serious with a woman roughly seven years younger than him (he's about to be 28) because they need to "see" things and do things that he likely has already gotten out of his system.

I'm still not checking for men that are more than about seven years older than me (and let's keep it real: I'd prefer you'd not be more than five years older) AND I will date younger than me. Let's not get out of hand, the man would have to be at least 25 but I'd absolutely be down with it. I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong by excluding the men that might be 10 years older than me. Is there a right or wrong?

Hi, I'm DrennaB...and I'm an ageist.

And you? Let's discuss.

A New Dawn, A New Day!

2011-05-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

And I'm feelin' gooooooooooooooood! That, my friends, was the Nina Simone original version.

Sooo its been a couple months. I needed time to refocus on everything I'm trying to do and why this blog exists. So I decided that I have it because: (1) I like to talk to people and find out their opinions on things that go on in the world whether it's something serious or lighthearted, (2) this helps me with my writing and (3) I find myself slightly entertaining at times so why not?! Sometimes I'm long-winded and those who either know me personally or know me through the blog know this. I just have a lot to say and sometimes just want you to fully understand my point of view!

We can talk about the things that go on in my life and how they should be or were dealt with. Well, not everything since we all have a little "business" we keep to ourselves but I do like to open some of the chapters of my book. There are few things that are off limits. My opinions are just that and not everyone will agree with me. That's okay because that's why they call it a discussion.

So let's get this engine moving again! This is life and it can be simply complicated!

Music Snob: Mary Mary...Why You Buggin?

2011-02-20T10:00:00.001-05:00

Dear Mary Mary,

*sigh* We've come to this point in our relationship that I always hoped we would have avoided. You ladies - my GIRLS - are going way left with your gospel music. Granted, I'm very particular and extremely conservative when it comes to the music I like but when I first heard "Shackles" I said, "Hmmm, they're a little too pop and 'hip' for my taste but I can still hear the message." And you didn't disappoint. I absolutely loved "In The Morning," "Heaven," "Yesterday" and songs that weren't released as singles. You were the one group that were really hip but didn't seem to dilute the message and that, I genuinely loved. Although I haven't been a consistent churchgoer in my adult years, I always saw "the spirit" in you all and it made me accept this "young people" gospel music even more.

And then..."The God In Me." I liked the song to an extent but when I realized that it beared a close resemblance (if not the same) beat of "Blame It On the Alcohol" by Jamie Foxx, I knew we might be heading to a problem. I snapped my fingers to it. Did a slightly out of control two step to it. Both actions that I deem unacceptable to spiritual music. Nevertheless, I accepted that you were just trying a new sound for that particular album and was ready for the next one whenever you all were ready to release it.

And here we are. Now, we might be on the brink of the one thing I feared: a musical break-up. "Walking" is...cool at best. It is more of an inspirational song than a gospel song which is perfectly fine. The beat is even more hip-hop than "The God in Me" and it has me worried. At the BET Celebration of Gospel, you all performed "Something Big" and I knew that our official status was "It's Complicated." Last week, I saw the video for "Walking" and its pretty safe to say that we're taking a break. That video serves no purpose. There's no vision. Shoot, you two are barely walking. Its like a block party but not really.

You all seem to be looking for crossover success but at what cost? Is this the way? I'm lost and I don't like it one bit. Please...help me. You don't have to rewind 9 years but can you please let me know if what you're going for now is the message...or the money?

Sincerely,

I'm in a Relationship But Its Complicated

Men and their Self-Esteem

2011-02-15T09:00:00.000-05:00

When it comes to men and the type that I go for, there are some things that are important to me that have nothing to do with looks: smart, funny, hard-working, ambitious, kind, trustworthy, and confident.

Confident. A confident - not cocky or arrogant - man is very important. A confident man that believes in himself and his talents/attributes, has his beliefs and stands strong in them (even though he'll listen to your POV) and just all around exudes strength is important. For me, thinking "Damn, I like that about him" and sometimes "Lawd, will he shut UP," is kinda dope. I think that a confident person can help inspire the people they're around because even if they haven't reached their ultimate goals, you see the tenacity that's going to get them there.

What I can't stand...is a man with low self-esteem. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the reason why we are gathered here today. Over the past few months, I think I've encountered more than I care to mention (no, not for me to date - just people I've met) and I just don't know how this has happened. Of course, we all have our days when we don't believe we can reach our full potential or our outfits look ridiculous or we just feel ugly. But I've met men who are completely disengaged with what it means to have self-esteem. And I don't like this "trend." Not one bit.

Let me say this: I have a hard time enjoying the company of anyone, male AND female, who has low self-esteem. I do think that because of the pressures of societies, some women will let it get completely in their heads and feel less than worthy of...whatever. But it gets old at some point and try as I may to give you a pick-me-up, I can't make my homegirl feel better about herself all the time. So if I can't do it with a female, I damn am not doing it with a male. Is it a double standard that I'll probably deal with it longer from a female friend than I will from a male friend or man I'm dating? Yes, that's probably a fair assessment and I'm okay with that.

But I need help understanding: Where does low self-esteem in men come from? From the same place women get it? Are they looking through the pages of V magazine and wish they were those so-called sexy European men? Did a girl they date or have a crush on break them down to their lowest points of being and now they needed consistent reminders that they're good guys and are attractive? Were they teased as children? Did their parents not show them lots of love and affection as children? The last question you might read as a "tone" but it certainly isn't; I'm genuinely trying to understand.

Further, does this affect they type of women they date? For example, if they think they're a little on the bigger side (which to many women they probably look like men with football player builds), do they only date slim women? If black men, in particular, were teased about being brown/dark skinned or light skinned, do they only date light-skinned/non-black women or dark skinned women, respectively? I mean, of course, they could have just grown into their own preferences and their lack of self-esteem hasn't affected that at all. These are just the questions I ask and the thoughts I have about it.

So have any of you dated a man with low self-esteem? If so, how do/did you deal with it? Men, if you're brave enough: are you dealing or have you dealt low self-esteem? Where did it come from and has it affected your dating lifestyle? I'm not attempting to fix because I'm not a man so I'm looking to you.

This is serious for me. Let's discuss.

XOXO...You Know You Love Me!

2011-02-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

I've never been big on Valentine's Day. Sure its commercial and all that stuff people who HATE it say it is but that's not the reason. I'm actually not big on any holidays so this is no different. However, on this Valentine's Day 2011, I thought I'd get in on the fun.

Valentine's Day is not just a day for people in relationships to celebrate; rather, its a day for people to dote a little bit more on ANYONE they love. I actually haven't been privy to being a significant other's Valentine however, my mama loooooove me so she's done some nice things. Today, I'll share my cute story (which isn't THAT cute but I like it all the same):

Every year when my brother and I were younger, my mother would bring us the small heart box of four pieces of chocolate. (Hellooooo, don't we all remember those?) I mean, we'd get it every year through my high school years. When I got to college, I think two of the years she sent me special Valentine's Day packages full of candy and snacks/food to keep in my dorm room. But after college, that was it. No more cards, no more candy...nothing. But I never really gave it two thoughts because like I said, holidays aren't really a big deal to me.

Until two weeks ago. Yes, two weeks ago. My mother likes to send things early to ensure that they will reach their by their intended date (mind you, she lives right up the block for me - it takes like a day for mail from either of us to get to the other). She sent me the SWEETEST card! Seriously, I've always known that I get my impeccable sense of card picking from her - the woman knows what she's doing. Check it out (just a lil bit): "...You have such a positive outlook on life and a warm sense of humor that makes it fun just to be around you..." Awwww, Ma!!! The card pounds on the compliments and I love every bit of it.

So my sweet memory comes from my mom. Now, share yours! It can be from a current or former significant other, a good friend, family member, child...whoever! It can be something someone did or said for you OR something you did or said for someone else!

Share the love!

Loving Bad To Love Good

2011-02-10T09:00:00.002-05:00

"Brothers, a woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. Be the good one." -Bishop Dale C. Bronner

A college friend of mine posted this as her Facebook status and as I finished reading it, I leaned back to think about it. Some people agreed and after about 20 minutes or so, I responded that I don't know that I agreed with that. I do believe that there is often times truth in the saying that sometimes "You have to kiss many frogs before you kiss your prince." But even in saying that, it doesn't mean that those "frogs" were bad guys. In fact, many women come across good men who just weren't good men for THEM (yes, that exists: not every good man/woman you meet is the person for you...and please throw them back in the water for the person they're meant for to catch them). I've seen this happen many times with friends of mine and they openly admit that maybe they just weren't ready for the person or vice versa.

Yes, there are bad men. Yes, we as women date them sometimes. Every now and then we don't realize they're "bad men" and other times, we ignore the clear signs that they are not good men. Not for us or even our worst [female] enemy/ Well maybe for her but I'm keeping it positive so yeah, not for her either. And yes, bad guys that we choose to date or sleep with or whatever we do with them serve a purpose at times. Maybe its because after all is said and done we need to be able to say, "What in the world was I thinking?" Perhaps its because we feel we need a little excitement. Sidenote: Spare me that "excitement" bit - at some point you can find excitement in even the nicest and lowkey guy. Or, we need to be broken off a lil something and even if you don't like "bad guys," he is the one who came along who you let put it down one good time and you feel the need to be hooked for a minute. So yeah, there's a purpose. Sometimes.

But here's where I disagree with the Bishop: I don't at all believe that women HAVE to love a bad man once or twice in order to be able to be thankful for a good man. As I've already acknowledged, sometimes men come around for different reasons. But let's focus on the woman - let's give credit where its due and not group everyone: There are level headed women in the world who have always been able to recognize good men and know that that's what they want in their lives. I've met them in the past and I know them current. There are women who, even if they're single now, have loved really good men in the past and even though they aren't with them anymore, there's not much bad to say about them. Some women had fathers or father figures in their lives that treated them so well and showed them what it was like to be treated like a lady that, as long as they can help it, they wouldn't date a man who showed them any less than the respect the have for themselves. Other women didn't have positive fathers or father figures in their lives but turned that negative into a positive for their future relationships. These examples of women go to show that you don't have to love a bad man to be thankful for a good one.

So yes, some of us will make a choice to continue to deal with the bull from some men (and I'm talking about the "Girl, seriously...you're REALLY dealing with that?" bull) and until we look INWARDLY, that's all we'll attract and be attracted to. No good man will really change that because to appreciate anyone or anything, you have to change your own mindset.

Sorry, Rev...I disagree.

Let's discuss.

Marriage, Babies & a Change of Mind

2011-01-12T09:00:00.000-05:00

I was having a conversation with friends about relationships and children. We have a friend who is in a serious relationship with a man who has been raising children for quite some time now. She, on the other hand, does not have any children yet and presumably wants some. One friend raised the question of whether or not he would even want anymore children since its been years (and perhaps because he doesn't want to be an "old" dad with a small child/children) since he's had to run behind kids. I maintain that because their relationship is so serious, they've likely had the discussion about marriage and having more children. I am of the opinion that when two people are considering getting very serious about their commitment to one another (whether they're deciding to be exclusive or they're beyond that and considering marriage), this is one of those very important topics to be discussed.

One of the things I got in response was, "But why do you HAVE to talk about that?" Admittedly, I was stumped because I was shocked by the rebuttal so I asked my friend to explain a bit further. Simply put, she feels that while it might be "smart" to talk about children and whether or not one or both party wants them, a person can change their mind at any time and that conversation can be right out the window. "So let's say you're married and at the time you both wanted kids," she says, "but after that year or two of being married, one of you decides that you like things the way they are and don't want children. Then what? Its like, what was the point of ever talking about it if someone has changed their mind?" My response is that we need to seriously discuss if we're at a crossroads with this because if one person has decided to change their mind (and a change of mind is a person's right) and the other hasn't, this could be a deal breaker. She further states that the person in the relationship who wants children - and this is all prior to marriage but in the getting to know you stage or committed stage - should not say
anything and the other person, if they DON'T want children, should be the one to speak up first. Why? Because if pregnancy should occur and the person who didn't want children finds themselves upset about it, the response can be, "Well, you never said you didn't want children."

I laughed because the SENTENCE was funny to me - the idea behind all of that didn't fully sit well with me. Yes, I believe people are allowed to change their minds about anything and I wouldn't dare try to change it back - makes no sense, probably won't work and even if it does, there will be resentment - but there's possibly a lot riding on something like this. First, these are important discussions to be had before marriage (even if someone's mind changed later) to at least see if you're somewhat on the same page; if you're not, the discussion would move on to see if there's something here that you still need to pursue. Second, I wouldn't want to play the "but you never said xyz" game. Finally, if we get to the point of marriage and afterward your mind changes, this MIGHT be a deal breaker. We might have to divorce. Maybe not but the conversation has to be had so that we know what we're dealing with.

So in a committed relationship (I'd like to solely say marriage but that's not for everyone and I recognize/respect it) where there is love, deep feelings and all "caught up-ness," what if a person just ups and changes their mind about what you both wanted in life and with each other?

Let's discuss.

My Apology

2011-01-07T09:00:00.000-05:00

Over the past few months I've regained a sort of affection for General Hospital. Two of the characters, Robin and Patrick, are sort of at an impasse because of a prior indiscretion: Patrick cheated on Robin with a friend, Lisa, from college (they are all doctors, by the way, at the same hospital). According to Patrick, it was a one time thing; he's apologized profusely and has continued to profess his love for Robin and their family (they have a 2 year old daughter). Up until recently - and this storyline has been going on since about July 2010 - Patrick was apologizing for his infidelity every chance he got and every time Robin got mad she'd scream something to the effect of, "Go tell it to LISA." At the same time, however, Robin was still considering reconciling with Patrick because she still loves him.

This got me to wondering: How long is a person to continue apologizing for something that they did which was wrong? It is no secret that I do not condone cheating of any kind and pretty much believe more often than not, a person is only sorry because they got caught (Patrick only admitted his infidelity because Lisa is actually crazy and was stalking them, breaking into their home, etc., and Robin didn't know why they were being targeted). But if a person is seemingly apologetic - putting my feelings about that to the side - why keep taking them through the ringer? It would seem to me that by allowing them to continue to apologize, you might be running the risk of hearing someone say "I'm sorry" more times than they actually are; they might be just saying what they think you want to hear.

Further, if (and let's stick with cheating here as the focal point) the person who was wronged is considering reconciliation, what is the point of making them feel like they have to keep apologizing and/or throwing the indiscretion in their face? If forgiveness is granted AND you say "let's work this out," how is that genuine by throwing something like that in their face? Have their apologies and their actions going forth not proven to be enough? Is it that you need to hear the words to make sure that's how they really feel? Does that even make sense?

Doesn't a person ever get sick of HEARING "I'm Sorry?"

My question is: Is Saying "Sorry" - including actions to encourage that - ever enough?

Let's Discuss.

Music Snob: The (Wo)Man & the Music

2010-12-15T10:00:00.000-05:00

Its been a minute - a LONG minute since I've blogged. I know and I apologize. I appreciate you all checking for me though. Now, let us move on...got something to say. And it MIGHT be long.

Robert Kelly. AKA R. Kelly...aka The R (or Arrah)...aka the Pied Piper...aka Kellz. Whatever you want to call him, R. Kelly has a new album called "Love Letter." I gave it a listen over the weekend (its in stores now) and though I'm not what you would call fan of R. Kelly right now, I fully admit that the cd is really good. REALLY good. It almost makes me...like him again. Let me go back.

When the rumors - and subsequently, the video - came out about him with the 13 year old girl, I was totally disgusted. As a HUGE fan, it really disheartened me to know that a grown ass man would have any type of sexual relations with a child. Before you start to comment before you finish reading, I'm fully aware that some of our past great artists have had their own share of troubles - some with young girls as well. I don't discredit that point; but to be honest, they weren't in my era and I wasn't an "in the moment" fan like I was with Kellz. I have quite the problems separating music from the person, especially those who are relevant in so far in my lifetime. Me and Alicia Keys? Nah, not much of a fan anymore. Kanye and his antics? Eh, we go back and forth because sometimes his asshole-ishness is too much for me. There are others (I think, and it isn't even limited to music) but you get my point. So to be honest, it kind of hurt that I knew I wouldn't be much of a fan after that whole situation.

If I'm being honest, I've "Stepped in the Name of Love" a few times over the years but in those few moments, I just heard a good beat. Overall though, even when hearing his old music, I couldn't listen to it the same. I honestly would see him as a different person. The new music (which was mostly bad to be honest) I just couldn't even stomach. I've had my share of discussions on why I cannot listen to TP2. Com or The Chocolate Factory anymore. A few of my friends disagree with me. But it is my truth and I stand by it. R. Kelly and I were no longer in music love and we couldn't even be associates.

Until I heard "Love Letter" this weekend. This cd takes me right back to Chocolate Factory. The entire vibe is back to R. Kelly basics. Gone are the braids. Gone is the middle-aged man trying to act like he's 25 and kick it with the rappers. Gone are all the "r&b" songs that sound like rap songs. Praise the music Gods that the "Trapped in the Closet" era is gone. This cd is real music in classic Kellz vibe. To quote the end of his song "Number One Hit," ...My Elvis and Priscilla/My Michael Jackson Thriller/...my Titanic..my movie star...my Coming to America...my Avatar..." That is the Kelly we remember and I've to say, I'm glad to see the change.

So I'm conflicted. The cd almost makes me want to say "Alright. I don't 'forgive' his wrong but can I put the the MAN to the side for the sake of the music?" I think all too often people are just absolutely too forgiving b/c whatever the wrong was didn't happen to them or their family. But this cd is...calling me. Some of you may find this hilarious but I really think about things like this because I somehow turn this into a thing of "What type of person does it make ME to just act like it didn't happen?" I just don't know.

Not ready to call a truce yet (not that he cares) but if his next album is GOOD, we'll revisit.

Marriage: From The Mouths of Men

2010-09-27T10:00:00.002-04:00

Obviously, I'm not a man. As a woman, I don't believe that we can think for men nor should we try and vice versa. I believe we should do the best we can to have clarity in our own relationships. That's about it.

That said, I wanted to know what some of the men I know think about marriage. Most are single and dating while another is engaged. Finally, I know a man who's been married 18 years and to hear him speak, they're like newlyweds. These are THEIR words, only edited for brevity (but not ruining the integrity of what they've said) and grammar. Its their truth. It might get a little lengthy but there's some good stuff here & might spark another post later. SO the question was: Do you want to get married? If so, why?

M.O.B, mid-20s: No time soon...would be nice to eventually get married but probability of it happening the correct way is not in favor. Ducks must be lined up and everything fall into place beforehand. So to answer your question, don't think so. *Clarity to ducks must be lined up* Both must compliment each other somehow. Finances are #1, admit it or not. Trust, security, respect, and health.

G, early 30s: Yes, I would like a family and if I were to have children, it would be by my wife.

Kane (engaged to one of my SisterFriends/Wondertwin), mid 30s: I look at Lucky and I love her like Neo and Trinity ("The Matrix"). I would fight to the end for her. Even though we're different in some ways, she helps keep my Universe balanced. I loved her from the first time I saw her and thinks she's just as beautiful as the first day I saw her. As far as getting married, I can’t see myself with anyone else. She holds me down and my two boys. Well OUR two boys. We have great conversations and talk about anything. One great thing is she makes me laugh so much. I love coming home to her. It’s nothing like working all day and she's at home and I get to see her beautiful face. I kiss her when I leave and when I come home - that’s the best part of the day. At the end of the day it is no option for me whether I would be marrying her. I always knew that. Almost instantly. I would be playing myself if I don’t. It’s all love

Bread, early 30s: Not really but I will have to because I don't want my kids to possibly feel weird or under-served. I would get married if we could have regular threesomes or I could have a random sex partner outside the marriage every now and then. I like sex too much and I usually get bored with one person after like a year. I don't believe in the feasibility of monogamy...I think it goes against nature, but society forces us to do it...thus a 50+% divorce rate.

Aston, late 20s: I think I do. I don't see it happening or want it to happen any time soon. I assume later on I would want to. After I'm stable with a career, maybe a condo or house and traveled a few places then I would evaluate again how I feel about marriage. Why do I want to get married? Honestly IDK...but I know why I wouldn't: (1) I'm worried that the relationship would get stale/boring and (2) If we're not legally married then there's no ugly divorce process and paperwork - both of us can just leave. I have no problem spending the rest of my life with one person so that's not a reason why I wouldn't get married.

FP (paraphrased - it was late when I heard this so please don't kill me. This was the gist of what he had to say), early 30s: Yes, I would like to get married to the right person when the time is right. I've been in fulfilling relationships in the past with women who've had great qualities and so I know what its like to be with someone who satisfies you on different levels. A person who shares your ideals and where there's a mutual trust and respect are some of the basics for a successful type of marriage. I'd also like to have children and I'd like to do that with my wife.

Lion (married 18 years), early 40s: I was always taught to respect women and put women on pedestals. I can count the number of relationships I've had on one had from my late teen years through my early 20s before I started dating the wife. I knew her for awhile before we started dating. Oncee we started and fell in love, we realized how much we had in common. It didn't take us much longer before we had "the talk" where we discussed our intentions, desires and future plans. So, the short answer to why did I get married is: we decided together that we were ready to take that step since we were in love, serious about our commitment, and were ready to move on and put in the work to make the union last forever.

Let's Discuss.

Who's Mad?

2010-09-17T10:00:00.000-04:00

"I may sound bitter/I’m a little bitter/ Just a little bitter/because you were with her..."

Well that's putting it mildly, Marsha. I don't know if you've heard this song by Marsha Ambrosius (former member of Floetry *le sigh*) but the title "I Hope She Cheats On You (With a Basketball Player) has become a little topic of discussion in certain circles. Why? Marsha is...bitter. It seems as though one of two things happened here: (1) the man left her for another woman or (2) they broke up and she's found out that he's with someone else now. I'm going with the former because otherwise, is there a real need for the song? Plus, it just makes a better story.

Before I go on, let me also say that this topic also has to do with me having just finished reading Getting To Happy by Terry McMillian. It revisits our four friends from Waiting To Exhale and goodness, one of them is bitter. Not to ruin the book for anyone, that's all I'll say.

Moving on.

When a break-up occurs, especially when an outside party is involved, there's lots of anger. Seemingly even more anger than a break-up where two people have outgrown each other or some other reason. One party (or maybe, both) has chosen to avoid the issues and instead, go out to have some fun with someone else which results in extra problems. When the truth comes to the light, the cheated on person usually says something like "You're gonna get what's coming to you. Its called karma, muthaeffa!"

So to hear Marsha say "I hope she cheats on you with a basketball player," is saying "I hope she does to you what you did to me but with someone who is hotter than you." Is it bitter? Perhaps. Is it honest? In the moment - definitely. The reason is because they want you to feel the pain even worse. They want your pride and your confidence to be broken down in a way that you have never known. They want you to remember when you did it to them and to realize, "Maybe I deserved this."

How long do you let this go on though? Do you write a song? A book? A letter? Poem? Do you cry it out? Or even more dreadful, do you put yourself through the pain of keeping in contact with the person just to say angry things to them (no matter how true) until you're over it? And further, what if you have more than one relationship that ends because of infidelity? Do you have that bitter feeling for every failed relationship? Or worse, do you relive the old bitterness and add it to the new bitterness?

Questions I ask as I listen to songs like this. Let's Discuss.

Calling Me Out My Name

2010-09-09T10:00:00.000-04:00

There aren't many neighborhoods in Brooklyn that aren't very active. Mine is no different. My particular block is split in half - one half of the block is extremely loud and the rest is pretty quiet. On the more loud end (and subsequently, the rest of the neighborhood), the conversations can be quite colorful and more often than not, no one is trying to hide what is being said. Even on the quiet end, the "entertainment" often reaches right in front of my window to give me everything tv can't at the moment.

But there's always a problem with the conversations I pass and hear on an almost daily basis: the disrespectful words that come out of some mens' mouths when they're talking to their wives/girlfriends/shorty.

Even worse is how the women allow themselves to be spoken to and treated. I have seen men say (and do) things that have been so cold and disgusting that no apology or "talking it out" could ever really make it better. But the women are always running behind the man to cry and say "Why would you say that to me," "Let's talk - you're just upset" and variations of the sort. Now I don't condone a woman being called out of her name or being treated like she's the bottom of her man's shoe and I recognize that some harsh words are spoken during arguments right in the moment. However, when a man can continuously speaking to his woman like she is the scum of the earth, it is time to turn it around and ask: Why keep blaming him?

It sounds good and plausible to see a situation where a guy is being disrespectful to his girl and always label him a dog or a jerk. He's probably both. As women, we do it more often than not and especially when it comes to defending our friends and the shenanigans of theirs significant others. But if we're being true friends, is it not important that we also help our friends (and OURSELVES) realize that we are continuing a trend in our relationships by allowing someone to disrespect and berate seemingly on schedule? There comes a time (and that time should be all the time) when you have to realize that you cannot change any other person but you can change your REACTION to how a person treats you.

So in addition to asking, "Who you calling a bitch," we should be asking ourselves, "Why'd I let you call me a bitch."

Discuss.

Symbol of My Love

2010-08-17T00:45:00.000-04:00

Literally.

I was over at The YBF checking out the latest and greatest in the Celeb World when I came upon some pictures of Mr. and Mrs. Harris (better known as T.I. and Tiny) in the city while he's promoting the movie, "Takers." Tiny, of course, is wearing the Rock of Gibraltar on her ring finger proudly. They've been together for a long time and she's "held him down" during his stint in prison and now that they're married you can best believe we're going to see an inconspicuous ring pose even though she's "not trying." T.I.? Not so much. I looked at various pictures and he didn't have the ring on. Some men don't' wear their rings and I don't get it too much but I scrolled down to the comments section. Here's the first comment:

"TI wearing his ring around his neck remind me of Carrie from Sex & The City. She thought of some bullish lie, talkin' about '..it's closer to my heart that way' but then a week later, they broke up. Mmmhmm."

Wait, what? His neck? I scroll up and sure enough, TI has the ring on a necklace in all his pictures. Interesting. Now, Clifford (I call these celeb types by their government names when I'm serious) could quite possibly be allergic to the of metal used made to design the ring. But as a rich man who could probably have a ring designed using material that he wouldn't be allergic to, I'm guessing that's not the reason. So what reason could he have for not wearing the ring? Aren't rings - wedding rings in particular - made to be worn on the ring finger?

This topic has come across in discussion at the workplace. Dubb has said that it is okay to not wear a ring all the time because some people just don't like jewelry. Others have been of the opinion that a wedding ring is not just any other piece of jewelry; instead, it is a symbol of the union two people have made towards each other. That if you're going to put it on your finger during the ceremony, why do you have a problem wearing it all the time? Finally, some said "Its not a big deal if a person wears a ring or not - that doesn't mean they're denying that they're married." Yes, a man surely can (and lots do) admit that he's married without wearing the ring.

Someone like TI, of course, is in the public eye so we know for a fact that he's married. We don't know the average man on the street and for many single women, seeing a ring (or the outline of wear is supposed to be before the man took it off to go get something on the side) is an indication of a marriage. For some of us, it makes it easy for us to say "okay, he's not available to me." Others don't care and are quite attracted to a married, basically unavailable man. If the ring is on a chain being worn as a necklace, it is quite possible that we'll never see it. It can be hidden under a shirt, taken off, or actually worn right in front of us without paying attention to a necklace.

So, if you don't want to wear your wedding ring, are you in essence saying that you don't want to make it known that you're married?

Let's Discuss.

NOTE: Yes, this can be applied to a woman to but since I happened to see it on T.I., I kept it a little more male skewed.

Faith and The Single Woman

2010-07-26T10:05:00.001-04:00

My mother prays for me.

To be clear, she prays for me all the time. She's not overly religious but she definitely believes in God, goes to church, and fully believes that through prayer and faith, all things will work out. Because of that, she prays that I have a good life and am happy in all that I do. But there's more. Two years ago, she wrote me a letter that she put in with my Christmas gifts where she said, "...I pray that you find a partner worthy of all you are." Sweet lady, that woman is. A couple months ago, I was telling her something - very light and just a quick story for conversations sake - that deserved nothing more than a quick laugh. She did laugh and then she said, "I'm praying for the two of you. It is bigger than what you two know or see." My response was, "Ma, you worried bout the wrong things, the wrong things." She just said "okay" but would continue her prayers. *NOTE: I'm sure you can figure out who she was talking about if you follow...or go back. She hates to believe the truth of what it is.

My [now former] co-worker is getting married. One day. To someone. Two weeks ago, she started looking for a wedding dress. And a reception hall. And bridesmaid dresses. Try as I may to mind my business, I finally looked over and said, "You're getting married?" She said, "Yes, one day." Now she has an on/off boyfriend so when I asked if she was marrying him she responded, "Maybe. Or maybe not. But I want to be ready. I know it will happen so I'm going to start looking. I speaking it into existence. Going on my faith." Okay. I don't always show a poker face and this time was no difference because she said, "What's wrong with faith?" Nothing. Nothing at all.

But maybe there could be. My mom is praying on something that likely won't ever be. I won't say "never" because if for some odd reason the moon turns royal blue and a tide changes, I don't want you all to say 'I thought you said never.'" My old co-worker is planning a wedding when a proposal hasn't happened. Now, if that's what she wants to do, fine. I do wonder though: Can the faith lead to becoming delusional? Women walk out on faith all the time when it comes to relationships. We so often hope that though "he may be like this now, he'll get better as he grows." That's because its the hope we want for ourselves. To make us happy. We pray and keep the faith that things will change. In reality, sometimes things are getting worse even we just know that "God is making a way."

There is nothing wrong with prayer and faith. We all need something to get us through - through life, work, relationships, etc. When you want something, you should work toward it and if prayer is part of who you are, pray for it to happen.

Does/Can Faith cloud your judgment? Let's discuss.

Change For You

2010-07-13T11:00:00.001-04:00

Lebron's going to Miami. By now, some have jumped for joy, some have wished him ill things, some have acted like life is over. Some...well see Cavs' owner Dan Gilbert's letter here (if you haven't read it already). While I'm a huge fan, that is not why we're here today.

Savannah. Savannah Brinson, to be exact. Still not ringing a bell? Well, she is Lebron's long time girlfriend and mother of his two sons. They're roughly the same age (though she might be a year younger) and from what's known, they've been together about 6-7 years. High school sweethearts, she's been with him since he was a scruffy kid with no money and years later, she's with the scruffy young man (minus his appearance on ESPN to announce "the decision" - did you see that SHARP line) who has millions of dollars. He's leaving "working class" Cleveland to head down to Miami - home of the pretty beaches and hot women.

All of a sudden, its time for Savannah to "step her game up." I read message boards and blogs all weekend and saw all the comments of "Savannah needs to get her sh*t together" and "Savannah needs to lose some weight if she wants to compete with those women." Wait, here's my favorite: "Savannah needs to stop looking so regular. She's going to be in South Beach." WHAT? Really? Admittedly, I laughed and shook my head when she and Lebron arrived in Miami and she had a doorag on her head (I read it was 3am when they got in) but not because I was thinking, "She'll never 'keep him' that way." Anyone who knows me knows that I have a thing about walking out the house with a doorag on my head. Lucky and I also briefly discussed that "Savannah #mightdontmakeit" down there - but not because of her looks. To our understanding (from reading an interview of a former player's wife), Miami is a different beast and the groupies are hardcore.

But why should Savannah have to physically change her look just because the groupies will be crawling out at a more swarming rate than when he was in Cleveland or because his money might be longer? If the man is going to cheat, he is going to cheat - no matter how good Savannah looks, how dope or expensive her clothes are, how well she cooks, or how HARD she puts it down in the bedroom. He'll do what he wants...if he wants to (and this is not to say he currently is or will) and nothing she does can stop that. They've been together when they both wore Guess jeans and flannel shirts (I'm stereotyping and in my head, that's what they wore in Akron during their HS years)

In fact, why should any woman HAVE to do that? So you meet a man that's universally FINE. HE pursued, you let him and you BOTH liked what you saw on the surface and beneath. Now when people see you, they may say "He dresses NICE all the time? She dresses down - what would he want with her," but is that really necessary? Sure, there may be some aesthetics that to the naked eye that are different but that's why you look deeper. I'm the type of woman that dresses up sometimes, wears jeans/sneakers most the time and am cute ALWAYS - so if someone is with me and he's more "clean cut" than you'd expect ME to have its because there's something more there. When you get with someone, you know what you're getting into. So while you may yearn for something different, you can't change a person and they shouldn't be subjected to have to "upgrade" because their significant other is wealthy or fine (but yes, clean up for a special event - even if its your own style).

Really? Savannah's got to step her game up to compete for her man? The one she's been with for close to a decade?

Let's discuss.

I Love You - Here's a...Plate?

2010-07-09T23:46:00.002-04:00

Some friends and I got together for a 4th of July bbq in my second home of Harlem at the park. Whilst we were basking (and baking) in the sun, our hostess Precious introduces us to a friend of hers - affectionately describing him as her "brother." Now understand, many of us at the bbq are pretty close to her and we've never, EVER heard of this brother (and trust, we've heard of just about all the play cousins, play sisters, play brothers, god sisters and god brothers). We observe (and in a playful way, instigate) her with "brother" and a friend informs us that she fixed his plate. Ahhh, and here we go!

Ju: She MUST like him if she's fixing his plate.

B: That's the kind of thing you do for your man or someone you want to be your man.

Shelleys: Yeah, you don't just see that all the time.

Ju (again): But you know she's country. That's the South in her.

Me: I think its just her way.

B and Shelleys' comments are the one that strikes the cord. B continues to tell a story of how a friend (or maybe it was a family member - it was hot and I couldn't focus on small details) came over for a get together and when her mother asked her why she didn't fix him a plate, she told her mom "He has two hands and two feet - he can walk to get his own plate!" Her mom responded "That's why you don't have a man now!" We laughed but I thought about my own experiences and added: "I don't know if I've ever fixed a man I was dating a plate but I do know that when the FP and I went to a baby shower once, I asked if he wanted me to get his plate while I was getting mine." They responded, "Eh but you liked him." True. But my friend ShonDon was there and he confirmed that when he came to my house for a get together, I made a plate for him, his cousin and possibly other guys.

For me, that's just my way. I'll ask my homegirls if they want me to get them a plate too while I'm up or if they're at my place (but only up until the second visit because you know "the rule). I just think its proper. I don't even know if I think its something I should do for "my man." I talked to Lucky about it and we're on a similar page. I suppose it could be subjective depending on the person.

We could take it a step further and say this is a sign of society's male/female roles. A woman is supposed to "do" for her husband and much like back in the day where women were housewives, they had their husband's dinner on the table when he got home from work. Many like to dispute that because of the womens' movement, these gender roles don't exist. but how true is that? Could it be that even through the womens' movement (I could actually write a book on my feelings about that) and other progressive moments in history, we have still passed on certain things that show our domestic ways?

If you fix his plate, do you love him? If you fix his plate, are you setting the womens' movement back? If you fix his plate, are you just doing what comes natural to your personality?

Let's discuss.

Finding A Way Back

2010-06-16T00:07:00.001-04:00

"If I call you, would you call back so I could tell you that I miss you?"*

First thought I had when I heard this was, "Ummm...NO." Why would I call someone back that I was in a relationship that ended for whatever reason just to let them tell me they missed me? We obviously broke up for a reason and these things will inevitably be rehashed so why bother? Then as I thought about it and kept listening to the words that followed the initial question, I wondered if I should rethink my position.

I know of two people who were in a relationship for two years way back when (okay, just early 2000s) and because of immaturity levels on both sides, they broke up. Rightfully so. Fast forward to present day - they've both matured, gone through some good and bad things, and both seem to be in a better place now. In MY mind they're perfect for each other today. But they're exes. And exes are such for a reason, right? The two of them wouldn't be in a horrible place so if all things were aligned (okay, I left out the part that one of them is in a relationship now), would it be wrong for someone to reach to open the lines of the communication if that's what they felt?

I never rekindled anything with my ex (from many moons ago) because he was just way too corny. Even five years after we dated, he would reach out to me with a "Hey shorty, how you doing? I miss you." I'd gotten a cell phone by then to which he didn't have the number to so he would call my mom's house and I didn't recognize the number, so I would answer. Always polite, I would tell him "That's very nice but no thank you...I'm not interested." Before I would hang up, he would express his sadness over my response and I would reply "It's okay. It wasn't meant to be" and just hang up. Did I tell you this relationship lasted all of two months? Yeah, just to say I "had a man."

But really, are there any instances when an ex can reach back out trying to get that "old thang back" (which is virtually impossible and probably not smart considering you broke up)? Should exes be that way forever?

Let's Discuss.

*Note: Apparently my girl Jilly from Philly is performing a new song, "I Love You," on the Maxwell tour which is where the first line comes from. Its pretty dope.

A Kiss Is Still A Kiss

2010-06-03T02:00:00.000-04:00

circa 1993

I'd had a crush on Rebel since I was 12 or13 and though he was the smartest boy in school (he was 15 or maybe 16 in the 8th grade), he was definitely the cutest. I would go home and fantasize about being his girlfriend. One time, I even wrote his name - with GLUE, no less - into the speakers of a small radio in my house. Once I wiped it off, you couldn't see that it spelled anything and I was able to blame it on me dropping glue while doing a project. BACK TO THE STORY. One day, my English teacher sent me upstairs to pick up something from another teacher and on the way back downstairs, I ran into Rebel. Keep in mind, he'd never, EVER said a word to me. But he walked up to me...and kissed me. I was shocked but this was MY moment in time so I kissed him back. Then, he started trying to feel my butt. I got scared. "Why is he trying to touch my butt," I thought. So in true Catholic schoolgirl fashion (yes, I went to Catholic school), I pushed him away and ran back to my class. We carried on with our "never speak to each other thing." I never told any of my friends at the time about my FIRST KISS. Consider yourselves lucky.

circa 1998

The Rock and I had been friends for a few months at this point, with hours of conversation complete with sexual tension and him telling me things in a language I couldn't understand. During our winter break (remember we went to college together), he came over to my house so we could "hang." We stood on the wall next to each other - I was nervous as hell - and then he kissed me on the cheek in order to, or so I think, loosen me up. I gave him a tour and when we got to the bedroom, I looked in the mirror, noticed and noted to him that I thought he was short. "I'm not that short...look," was the reply and then he kissed me. This. Was. It. THIS was the meaning of a real First Kiss. *When we first kissed I was surprised to get...that feeling...the kind you don't wash away with soap* There was a lot going on in that moment but between that particular kiss and those that followed that day and the other days he came over during break, I was being taught by a Master. This sounds over the top, I know, but it is so true. Brothers should thank that man if they knew who he was (yes, that's me giving myself a pat on the back, lol).

And you? Give us a look at your First Kiss. OR, your first kiss with the best kisser you've had. Share!

Note: Anybody know what song that italicized line is from?

Tell Me Again: Lovers or Friends?

2010-05-09T23:30:00.001-04:00

Last week I was reading Pearl Cleage's I Wish I had a Red Dress. The main character, Joyce, asked her best friend, Sister (who's a minister, fyi) if she thought men and women could be just friends. Sister said she'd had this discussion before and decided that the answer YES but one of the following situations was going on within the friendship:

(1) acknowledged sexual attraction on both sides and it's only a matter of time before friends become lovers, unless there's an honorable reason why they shouldn't such as health or a serious prior commitment;

(2)there's sexual attraction on one side only which unless handled carefully, can result in complicated fantasies, unrequited longings, serious bouts of denial and ultimately a busted friendship & broken heart;

(3) there's no sexual attraction present on either side in which case the friendship will quickly run its course since in most cases the only reason people cross gender divide is if there are sexual opportunities present. If not, you'd be better hanging w/ same sex friends. And finally;

(4) sexual attraction on both sides but the parties for whatever reasons have been unwilling or unable to express it so they sublimate all the energy into shared work experiences that keep them in close contact til they figure out how to get together.

So I stopped and thought about this for a minute. HARD. I can name two men that I'm platonic with (minus some innocent flirting) that fit one or more of those scenarios. But for a lot of reasons, we just keep it moving. In one case, we've crossed the line in the past but we've come back to the safe side of the shore . Actually, I think that's just how the chips have fallen but if we shake them up again, things could be different. So are we really platonic?

Then, I have some very platonic male friends where lines have never, EVER been crossed. There are a couple of them that I believe have never had any sexual interest in me. There are others that I think, if given the opportunity, would sleep with me. I, on the other hand, have never had any interest in these men. Truth be told, I don't think that any of those guys fall into any of the aforementioned scenarios. But is that "the real" or is that just the girl in me who would like to believe that?

So what do you think? Is Sister right? Are her situations the only way heterosexual men and women can be friends?

I'm still pondering. Let's discuss.

Check, Check and CHECK!

2010-04-26T20:02:00.001-04:00

So, three weeks ago, VH1 premiered, "What Chilli Wants" which follows the "new" dating life of TLC's Chilli. She has a list of what she WANTS in a man and based on the introduction of the show, she isn't willing to compromise much. What's on the list? Here are a few things:

He must be FINE (in the South, "fine" is a definition for a cute face AND a great body);
He can't be too young;
He has to be spiritual;
He can't eat pork;
He can't drink or smoke;
He has to be sensitive and caring and finally;
He must be PACKING (for those who want to act like they don't know - he has to have a big penis

Hmmmm. After the first episode premiered a couple of weeks ago, people (primarily women) were in a complete uproar saying that her list was completely unreasonable and its no wonder she can't find a man. That her list was impossible and she's asking for too much. Her friends on the show and dating coach, Tionna, believe the same thing. The intro of the show includes Chilli stating that she's not willing to compromise. Okay, girl - NO compromise? Last time I checked in on "girl talk," a man with a big penis does not equate to knowing what to do with it. I don't know that Tiny Tim could hit it just right either but I think my point is made. No pork? Ehh, I don't eat it either but I'm not mad at someone who does. She rations that here by saying, "I’m very healthy. I’m into eating right and there are just some things to me, when you talk about eating right, you shouldn't eat." Ummm, alright. So with these thoughts in mind, I think that those "Requirements" might be a little far-fetched.

I wondered why people were so "mad" about this list. Women and men, to my knowledge, generally have always had standards that they've tried to keep when they feel they've reached a certain level where they believe they're deserving of a certain type of person. I don't know anyone who has NEVER had a list in mind of the person they wanted or, more importantly, a person they needed. Sure, those things are usually more about the QUALITY of the person but notwithstanding the same, they had a list. I've always had a list in mind and while I've definitely compromised on the outer appearance (my tall, football build preference has been known to change from time to time but I do try to stick hard to the "tall" part), its actually helped in knowing what I need and don't need from a man. I don't neither need nor want perfection and the more important things on that list are more of an internal thing within a man's being. Now will Chilli, any woman, any man, or myself get everything on that list? That remains to be seen. Just because you have an idea of what you think you want, what you really need may come in a different package altogether. But a list? Hmmm, yeah I get it.

I'm a strong believer that if you can provide something, you should be able to ask for it in return. So if Chilli can manage to be everything on her list (minus "PACKING," which then should equate to her being a straight up freak), is it asking too much for her to receive it in return?

What's wrong with a list? Let's Talk.

Note: I saw the second episode and I was kind of turned off by her behavior with Dolvett. The idea of her having a list almost didn't make sense because she halfway didn't apply it. My blog "argument" still stands though.

Quality vs. Quantity

2010-04-12T22:30:00.000-04:00

Gotta love Facebook sometimes.

I was on FB last night and I came upon my friend Far Rock's status update which read: "Do You REALLY have to know someone for YEARS in order to marry them?" Now my initial thought was, "Is he about to consider proposing to someone?" But my next thought was, "Thanks for the blog topic." Let's consider the options.

Two people meet and immediately find that they have a "connection." It's very strong, very real, and after maybe about 4-5 months, they decide there is no one else for the other and they should get married. For the sake of what some would consider "adults," let's age them 27-30. Some might argue that they haven't known each other long enough, that they're still in the "honeymoon" stage and haven't gotten to know they true essence of the other person, and/or that their significant other could be crazy and because you all haven't been together long enough, you haven't given it time to come out. Some would further argue that neither of you, in 4-5 months, have been able to go really "deep" with the person and find out what truly makes them who they are in such a short span. How could a marriage "stand the test of time" when the two people haven't even known each other long?

Two people meet and immediately they think, "Oh, he/she is real cool." They begin to casually date (which means, for those who don't know MY definition, that they see each other but are not mutually exclusive and are free to date others) for a few months - taking time to get to know each other and having fun. After a time period of keeping it "light," they decide that being exclusive with each other is what they both want and are now in a relationship. Though they've decide that this is what they both want, it doesn't stop them from getting to know one another. They haven't rushed to any hasty decisions but after 4 years (for the sake of Far Rock's question I had to put a few years on it), they're getting married. Some would say that they took the time to get to know each other as best they could (keeping in my that people are ever changing), see what made the other person tick and made them happy, see what the others' dreams were, etc. These two should be together forever, right?

Quick personal story: My parents knew each other for 6-8 months (as I can gather) before they were married. They were together for about 21 years, I believe. Granted, it was clear to me from an early age that they weren't a "fit" but for their own reasons, they made a way for all those years.

So what of it? In your world, is it conceivable that a marriage can last when the couple has only been together for a few months? In your eyes, is a couple destined to be together forever because they took the time to get to know each other?

Let's discuss.

Drenna Note: I don't THINK Far Rock is getting married. He better not be keeping secrets!

It Had To Be You

2010-04-07T01:00:00.000-04:00

Circa '01

My friends and I were in New Orleans for either a stepshow or a football game (HBCU road trip - it had to have been one or the other). While in the French Quarters, we ran into one of our other friends and his cousin, NL,. Tall, locs, cute and one of those accents that make you drool. Yessss. Anyway, he and I became cool when a bug-a-boo would NOT leave me alone -he pretended to be my boyfriend. NL lived in New Orleans so we only hung out for those couple of hours. After we got back to school, we would pass pleasantries through his cousin until one day his cousin told me, "Here's his number - just call him." Ummm, no. I wasn't going to do that but hoped that I would see him again when I visited N.O. again. Unbeknownst to me, cousin gave NL my number and he called me first.

We would talk for HOURS about music, sports, dating, school life...whatever came to mind. It was fun. I would come in from step practice and right on cue, the phone would ring. My roommate/then best friend would say, "And there's your boyfriend calling." He wasn't but he made it very clear he liked me and why and vice versa. We just knew it wouldn't work being in college and trying to be in a long distance relationship. So we continued to be friends while liking each other.

Summer came. We talked just as much and still hadn't seen each other since that first time. He loved Puerto Rican culture and would always ask me to go to abc place to see if I could find xyz for him. He wanted Uptowns with the PR flag on it so he could watch the PR Day Parade on tv in them while waving the PR flag I sent him. Weird and funny...but it worked. My mother would even say, "I don't know...this might be the start of something good."

And then he mentioned his friend. He'd call me form time to time and say, "meant to call you back but I was at my homegirl's house and fell asleep. I didn't get up til __ o'clock this morning." Oh really? I had a problem with it but I didn't know what to do. I was even worse back then expressing myself than I am now so what'd I do? Write a letter. I told NL how it was always a little weird for me how he always "fell asleep" at her house and how it wasn't cool for him to tell me how much he liked me but was chillin overnight at his "friend's" house. Here's the kicker: At the end of the letter, I told him I didn't want to talk about what I'd written - just wanted to tell him. At 21, I still wasn't ready to have talks like that and especially not to someone who wasn't really my boyfriend. So, he acknowledged that he got the letter was "Ohhh okay cool" and changed the subject.

We never really spoke much after that brush off and after a couple more conversations, it ended completely. Just like that. I saw him two years later at his cousin's graduation. I saw NL from a distance so he never knew I saw him. He looked...different. Worn down...BEAT even. I told my friend, "There's NL. Looks like I dodged something with that one." He was with some girl and I was a-ok with that. It was only a few months that lasted with us. More of a phone rendezvous than anything.

But for about a year and a half, I'd off an on ask myself: Was he the one that got away? Was he one of my "soulmates?" Could that have been it?

That's my story...and that's all I've got on that one.

And You??

Practicality vs. Passion

2010-02-22T13:30:00.002-05:00

Last night, I was watching one of my favorite shows, Brothers & Sisters, when Sarah (one of the sisters) was explaining to her daughter that it was okay for her to have a Valentine who would say "thank you" for her giving him a V-Day card versus the boy she REALLY liked who would probably throw her Valentine away. Her mom said, "...As you grow up, you'll see that the guy who makes you barf and blush isn't really Mr. Perfect. Nope. There's something to be said for a nice thank you."

So I began to think: When we as men and women are ultimately looking to find a mate, which quality is more important: Passion or Practicality?

This is not a case of Good Guy/Girl vs. Bad Boy/Girl. NO. What we are talking about here is being with someone who you sincerely like/love but don't feel complete PASSION and "yearn" for but they are nice and you know you're "safe" with them. The Practical person might be one that you don't have as much in common with as you'd like but you know they care for you and won't do anything to hurt you. They make you laugh from time to time (though it's not gut busting laughter), your family loves them, and anything you want you can have. When you argue, the Practical person might just let it go or "let you win." The sex certainly is not bad (because I mean, Practical or Passionate, no one wants to have bad sex) but its not a scene you replay over and over. Its not a relationship of convenience or settling; instead, this is just not a person who lights any extra flames for you. When friends ask you what you think of a person after somewhere between the second and fourth dates, you say, "Tracey's cool."

And then there's the PASSION. This is the one who you love deep up in your soul. They're just as nice as "Practical," but there's another level here. "Passion" makes you smile and get a little tingle just at the thought of them. Passion can take care of you just as well as Practical can, there's a connection like none other. People like your passionate significant other but they can get on everyone's nerves from time to time. Probably because they're so much like you. The laughs you share sometimes send you into tears. You both are going to argue your points until you don't want to speak but barring nothing totally disrespectful or below the belt being said, you'll work your way through it. When friends ask you about the person somewhere between the second and fourth dates, you respond with a smile, "Mmmm, Kelly is great. Damn." The way "Passion" feels about you and vice versa sometimes seems like it is so intense that you almost think it is a "dangerous" love.

So you see, it's not as though "Passion" is any less responsible than "Practical." It just might be that with "Passion," you allow yourself and your emotions to go to a place that you may not have ever dreamed. "Practical" might keep you in your comfort zone and not allow you to dig deeper.

Just thoughts. What do you think: Practicality or Passion?

Let's Discuss.

Note: Tracey and Kelly are unisex names that's why I chose them.

That's What Friends Are For...

2010-01-31T12:30:00.000-05:00

...til you get a man.

A couple of weeks ago, Tamale asked, "Why is it that when your friends start dating someone, the friendship goes on the backburner?" To me, there was an obvious answer but as I started paying attention to the feedback, it seemed as though there were some very strong opinions to what was seemingly a simple explanation.

Here's the thing for me: When two people meet and think they have a "connection," the only way to know if that's real or not is to spend time together. So, if they don't hang out with their friends as much - especially in the "getting to know you" phase - that's to be expected. There are going to be plenty of times when that happens because it's something new and exciting and the possibilities just get you all soft and pink inside (for women anyway. Guys might be lowkey excited). All relationships need to be continuously nurtured but there's something to be said about the "newness" of a relationship. If people don't see their friends as much, primarily for like the first six months (to me) of a relationship, that's okay.

Not according to Tamale. Her opinion is that a friendship should never be placed on the backburner just because a relationship is new and people have a choice who they want to spend their quality time with. She also says the potential of "the booty" plays a big part in who gets quality time. Is it the fact that you can get sex from this person versus from your friends the main reason why you would choose to spend time with them over your friends? I've never thought about that option. It would SEEM that you could get sex whenever you wanted and wouldn't have to spend "QT" with a person to get that. Most of us can make a call and get worked out. But isn't the idea of "QT" is that it's more than just sex, particularly as we get older?

I've always thought that most friends should understand that because there's someone that's come into your life that you really like, you may not be around all the time. It's not that you're trying to be or are any less of a friend, its that you're just not participating in the "girls' night out" events or you're not going to go to the movies or sit around and talk about "where are all the good men." Hell, you MIGHT have one but need to spend some time with him to make sure your thinking is on the right track. Personally, I've had friends do it and there has been a time or two when someone in the circle has said "Ill, she dropping us for a dude?" My response? "YES and let her live. Yes, she's seeing someone and she likes him so they're spending time together. Give her some time to be able to get some balance back." I think that after six months or so, some type of normalcy will be regained and the friend might be able to balance all her relationships better. What's wrong with that?

Is it wrong to place friendships or the friendship events on the backburner when a possible new RELATIONSHIP arises? Can you call yourself a friend if you have a serious problem with someone putting their intimate relationship at the forefront for a little while?

Let's discuss.

Excuse Me...You Are??

2010-01-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

New Year's Eve 2009

Me and my girls, affectionately known as PDS (Party Don't Stop crew), were doing the in-house thing and a few "regulars" were also there. For some reason, everyone we come in contact with really likes hanging out with us so even if it's a guy, we quickly become so "cool" with them that they're like buddies. Anyway, it was a small group of us which included a co-worker of mine and a friend and his girlfriend ringing in the new year together. The ball had dropped, we'd discussed J. Lo's desperation performance and indirect plea to stay relevant, and were about to start what was sure to be an INTENSE game of Taboo. Then the doorbell rang.

He walks in. "Oh my," I'm thinking, "He is cah-ute. Whose friend is he? Is he kicking it with one of my girls?" Tall, brown-skin, glasses, nice build...just CUTE. So, when my friends and I think a guy is "universally attractive," we all give each other the quick glance around the room. But this time - thankfully - I'm the only one glancing. Come to find out, one of the guys who was there told him to come through. Introductions were made and we keep the party going with our latest addition. The night goes on and we're having a great time with Taboo. As it turns out, the Cutie has fallen right into comfort with us like he belongs here. After the game is done, we all chat while watching a movie and I find out he's involved in music and/or entertainment and...he's from down south. Be still, my beating heart - everyone who knows me knows I have a thing for a man from the South with some swagger. The conversation between all of us (the Cutie and I had no "me and Cutie" time) was great and as we hugged (cut it out, he was cool and we all became friendly very quick) I told him to make sure he came around more because "we like you."

Two weeks later.

Ladybug (member of the PDS crew) is trying to find out why Cutie and I haven't become even more cool. I realize that I'm the "odd man out" and we become Facebook friends. Riddle me this: When you become friends with someone on FB that you're attracted to, what are the first two things you check? *waiting* EXAAAAACTLY! You check their "status" if its available and you look at the pictures. So you know that's what I did because by now, my faithful readers get the feeling I would do that, right? Right. Aaaaaaaand, crush OVER.

Cutie is "in a relationship" and...I know her!! How funny is that?! We're not good friends or even associates but we've seen each other enough times to be cordial to each other to the point where I can say, "Yeahhh, I know her." They're a SERIOUS couple too. And you know what? I couldn't even roll my eyes (more than once) or be like "Whatever" because the truth is, they are SO cute together. Like, for real cute together. Thinking back to New Year's Eve, I was actually happy about my bout with shyness that I sometimes have when it comes to men. So after I rolled my eyes once and said, "DRATS," I was over it.

We crush and keep cruisin'.

But DAMN (that's to emphasize the cute level)!!

On to the next one.
*I actually hate that song "On To The Next One" but it was fitting for the end*

**Strong possibility the person this is referring to will read it. I guess if this blog is going to be full disclosure, I can't leave out important things - even if it is clear who I'm talking about. Still, that would be odd, huh? He's still cute though...just can't be looking LIKE THAT anymore**

Game. Set. Match.

2010-01-17T12:00:00.001-05:00

"I know you don't believe in fairy tales but let me be your knight in shining armor. All you have to do is get up in the morning and I'll do the rest." - Shemar Moore, Diary of a Mad Black Woman

Okay, now that you've read that line or remember even more mushy lines from the movie, how many of you all said, "Awww that's sweet." *looks around and waits*

Well, okay then. Who laughed? Snorted? Rolled their eyes? It wouldn't surprise me if you just laughed at those questions...probably because that's exactly what your reaction was to that line. Orlando (Shemar's character) seemed really sincere in professing his love for his woman and in defense, this was the beginning of his marriage proposal. So let's back up a bit.

Let's assume two people meet and there's enough of an attraction and initial likeness for one another that they can go out on a date. Like most dates, there are lots of compliments being handed out in the midst of having conversation - often times coming from the man to the woman. Date's over, you've enjoyed yourself and while you don't see each other for a few days, you speak regularly on the phone. This man can throw a compliment like nobody's business! Now, it sounds good to you but at some point do you start thinking "Here goes...trying to drop that game."

Game. This is what ruins most of the intimate interaction between two people because one usually thinks the other is dropping too much of it. Most times, we as women can only take so many compliments before we wish he'd "cut it out and stop trying so hard." If he calls on the regular (like we always wish but can somehow never seem to meet the guy who'll do that), wants to go out, AND keeps the compliments coming? Oh, we LIKE it but for some reason, many of us are waiting on the other shoe to fall and let the man's "game" fully reveal itself. But how do you know that it's game because what he says and does is not what you're used to hearing and seeing? How can you tell the difference?

When do we cut some slack? And if every man you meet is someone you think is running game, how is it that you see through clearly to the one who isn't try to beat you with it?

Let's discuss.

Love Is A Battlefield...

2010-01-07T08:04:00.003-05:00

But does it have to be?

"Trouble in my life
Problems when you don’t come home at night
But when you do you always start a fight
But I cant be alone , I need you to come on home
I know you messin around, but who the hell else is gonna hold me down" -Melanie Fiona, "It Kills Me"

This song, though I admittedly really like it (and probably moreso because of the WAY she sings it), gets on my damn nerves. This child is pulling herself into a deep depression over a man doesn't come home and when he does, starts a fight with HER. But she refuses to leave him because she is scared to be single. In the words of Twitter (and someone who I think made a song of the same name), #wheredeydothatat? Why in the world is a grown woman screaming from the rooftop (and now, Melanie is just the messenger because even if she were the one really acting like this, she wouldn't be alone) about how her man is CLEARLY doing her wrong but she can't leave him? We aren't embarrassed about things like this anymore?

Oh, but it gets better (same song):

"Should I grab his cell, call this chick up
Start some shhhh then hang up
Or I should I be a lady
Oohh maybe cuz I wanna have his babies
Ohh yah yahh cuz I don’t wanna be alone
I dont need to be on my own
But I love this man
But some things I cant stand..."

So now we're going to call up the jumpoff and start a fight with her. Right or wrong, the man in the situation is who needs to be dealt with. What part of the game is it that we as women must put with any type of disrespect just to say that we "aren't single?" What is the purpose of fighting for a relationship that TRULY only one of you are committed to being in? The answer seems to be somewhere along the lines of "He needs to know I'm a ride or die chick and not just going to let him go for some bull." Oh okay.

When did it become acceptable to fight for a relationship when one of the people involved in it is clearly not concerned if you catch the "beatdown" for trying to save something that's not there.

Let's hope that Melanie's song (which is smoking up the Billboard charts) is just that. Or if this was about her, she hasn't dealt with this foolishness since she was a teen. OR better still, this was actually a song of sarcasm that's telling women (and hell men too if you put yourself in this situation) NOT to act like this.

It Kills Me too. For real.

Let's Discuss.

The Vows: Making Them and Breaking Them

2010-01-03T10:34:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!! I'm going to be way more regular on here and have a slew of topics waiting to be tackled. I need accountability partners (the FP came up with that) so if ya'll don't see me with two or more posts a week, hit me up on Twitter and light a flame up under my butt!

So I was watching "The Jacksons: An American Dream" last night and the scene in which Katherine caught Joseph on the phone with his mistress was on. She'd gone to her mother's house to clear her mind and the impression I got (unless the tv was really watching me) is that her mother wanted her to go on back home, forgive Joe, and just make the marriage work. I think, as I always do when I hear something like this, "So, that's just it, huh? Someone in the marriage cheats - someone breaks the vow - and you're supposed to just get over it?"

Let me start off by saying that I am all for marriage - completely, utterly and overjoyed for people who have found each other and ca stand before whomever they believe in, family/friends and most importantly, each other, to say "We are to be ONE." Now, in traditional wedding vows, the man/woman announce that they take their bride/groom to be their wife/husband and in which, they're "having and holding" and "cherishing each other" til death do them part. GREAT! *insert two thumbs up* In some vows, they also include forsaking all others and a slew of other things. Some who choose non-traditional vows may put some personal notes in there but some way or the other, they have the same general meaning. If that's the case, and you've made the vow to have and to hold, cherish them and forsake all others, why is it that if one breaks the vow, it's now up to the other person to make sure the rest of the vows (primarily the "in good and bad...til death do us part" part) are upheld?

This continues to confuse me. I've known men and women who've had their spouses cheat and everyone tells them, "You need to work it out. Remember the vows you took." I'm sorry, did the man/woman who cheated not take those same vows to be committed to their wife/husband? Why is it that now I'm (obviously not ME but you know what I'm saying) being held responsible for putting the pieces back together? Why is that even though I've lost the trust in the person, I still have to find some more so that we can "make it work?" Where does the man/woman who cheated play a role?

I've asked around and have been told by women, "Men are visual. It's usually just sex - if you can't forgive for one indiscretion then you weren't ready to be married in the first place." *le sigh* Is that it? Does it mean I was never ready for marriage if my husband cheats on me and I choose to not "let it go" and seek to not make it work for the both of us? See, I get confused because if someone cheats on you that one time that you find out about it, are you not now curious about if they've done it before and if so, how many times? Do you not wonder inf they're going to do it again? If you forgive the person for cheating (which by the way, I am NOT trying to suggest that people who have found out their spouse is cheating should just get a divorce - just working thoughts out in my mind), in my mind you CANNOT bring it up again. That's it, you're wiping your hands and slate clean to start from that point and move on.

Men have told me that if their wife cheats, that's IT. There's no going back, there's nothing to work out and in case you don't get the picture, I heard "Maaaaaan, F*CK THAT B!TCH!" Their initial thoughts (whether they go through with it or not) are to leave because their vows have been broken, he can no longer trust her, and she's a hoe. The contrast in response to the exact same situation is interesting.

So when someone says "I DO" and means it but the person who said "I DO" back meant it at the time but somehow lost their way, is it your responsibility to keep it together?

Let's discuss.

Note: I'm sure someone will bring up the topic of "but if they have kids" and that's fine. Include every point you want to make.

Is HOME where the HEART is?

2009-12-23T12:00:00.001-05:00

I was born in Brooklyn. Moved to Queens when I was three years old. Moved back to Brooklyn somewhere around 12 or 13 years old. I left for fours years to go to college, got the degree and came on back. I'm a New Yorker to my HEART and if you cut me, eight letters may form from the blood: B-R-O-O-K-L-Y-N. Okay, maybe not but living in NYC is like my heart (though I enjoy traveling when I can to see other places).

We were talking today about my co-worker's dream life if she won the lotto. Somewhere along the way, we got on the topic of my dream to live in Westchester County, specifically in Purchase/Harrison, Scarsdale or any of the other REALLY nice towns up there. A co-worker who's from Jersey was trying to convince me that I could live in Jersey with cheaper taxes and be happy. "NO," was my basic response. I could live NYC (albeit not happily) for a job but in my mind all roads lead back here. And so the convo continues between co-worker 1 (the dream lottery winner), co-worker 2 (the NJian), and myself:

Co-worker 2: "What if you meet a guy in BROOKLYN and that's where you thought he was from, ya'll got along, and then you found out he lived in NJ?"

Me: Ummmm, I don't know."

Co-worker 2: But what if he has the house, the this, the that, and wants you to move there?"

Me: What if I have my house in Westchester County? Why can't he move there?

Co-worker 1: No but seriously? What if he wants to stay in NJ or is even from NY and wants to live there?

Me: *sigh* I don't know. I REALLY want to live in NY forever. I REALLY do. Hell, if I can't live in Westchester County, I want to live in Brooklyn Heights. (sidenote: Yes, I know I have VERY expensive living tastes. I KNOW.)

Co-Worker 1: Is it a dealbreaker for you? Can you not marry someone who wouldn't want to live in NYC?

Co-worker 2: Yeah...is it?

Me: *begrudgingly* NO, it isn't a dealbreaker but there needs to be a serious talk about this because this is a serious topic for me.

Co-worker 1: Would you live separately? Like him in NJ and you in NY?

Me: NO! *insert one of lil jokes here*

Co-worker 2: Ahhhh, moving for love...

So I'm thinking about, which I've done before, the idea of moving for love. In my mind, I believe that I could do it if (1) I could find a job comparable to what I have or if it is less, it would be the start of my dream job; (2) I could find my own place and (3) we were REALLY serious, which is one of the most important things. Key word: COULD. But really, WOULD I want to do that? I think I really don't have an answer because my pros and cons list would probably be about even and I don't know what the tipping point would be to make me say yay or nay.

So...what say you?

The Ties That Bind

2009-12-21T00:00:00.001-05:00

When I started talking to my first boyfriend, he almost immediately wanted me to meet his aunt (she raised him form a young age after his mom passed). He said I was cool, he was "in love" with me (it's quoted because we were only three weeks in), and that he knew she would like me. I wasn't too excited about because I figured, even at only 20, that meeting parents/guardians was a really big deal. I introduced my parents to my "friend" when I was 18 but that was only because my mother INSISTED; I, on the other hand, was embarrassed that she forced me to do it. Anyway, I met his aunt, she LOVED me, told me I had a good head on my shoulders and thought I'd be really good for her nephew. That relationship lasted throughout the summer. I was good for him but he was NOT good for me.

As I've gotten older, no one has met my mom...because I haven't been in a serious relationship so I don't see the need to introduce her to someone I'm just kickin it with. But when I do, I'm doing it because he is the man I really like and am really serious with. I never thought about, "What if my mom doesn't like him" and how I would react if she didn't. A few weeks ago, a co-worker of mine mentioned that a guy she's dating met her parents and they liked him - which was a good thing because if they didn't, that would have been a dealbreaker. I wasn't shocked because I've known a couple of people in the past who feel the same way but I still responded with, "REALLY??" She said yes and the reason is because she's really close with her family and if they don't like the guy she's with, that would put her in an awkward position about when she would come around and she probably couldn't bring him with her.

Interesting. My mom and I talked about this before because I was telling her a girl I knew was considering ending her "thing" (can't remember if they were just dating or if they were serious) because her parents weren't really checking for him. My mom said, "Well, I know I don't have to worry about you and the idea of you discontinuing dating somebody just because I don't like him. That won't happen." She knows me well. Now, I would definitely find out what it is she doesn't like about him and file it away because quite frankly, we don't often see certain things in our relationships that others can because...hell, we're IN the relationship. But I would not immediately tell the man "Listen lil homie, it's juuuuuust not gonna work" based off what my mom says (unless she has some incriminating, without a shadow of a doubt evidence against him) about him. In my mind, no person is good enough for a parent's child and if they feel so strongly about it, they'll come up with anything to make sure it goes sour.

So, about these family ties - what say you? Can your parents (or guardians - whoever has been that influence to you) not liking who you date affect that relationship?

Let's discuss.

World of WAGs

2009-11-24T01:00:00.000-05:00

According to Wikipedia the definitions of WAGs is:

"WAGs (or Wags) is an acronym used particularly by the British tabloid press to describe the wives and girlfriends of high-profile football players, originally the England national football team."

For the purpose of today's blog and any further conversations, we'll use it like everyone else does and use it to talk about the athletes of American sports. By now, we should have all heard that Shaquille and Shaunie O'Neal are separated - which might lead to divorce. Two years ago, Shaq filed for divorce citing irreconcilable differences and then claiming that Shaunie may have been stealing money from. Further gossip began that Shaunie was cheating with a personal trainer. We don't know what's true and what's not but the papers were torn up and they got back together.

But last month, Shaunie dropped the bomb and filed for legal separation from Shaq. Pulled the kids out of school, moved to LA, and has gotten the ball rolling. NOW rumors are running rampant across all industries, all IM conversations and either other corner that you can find that Shaq has been carrying on some affair with fellow NBA brethren, Gilbert Aernas' woman, Laura Govan for YEARS. If you've ever heard any other NBA gossip, then you've heard about Shaq's doing all through Texas and wherever else. But that's not that kind of party on here today.

While using Shaq and Shaunie as the example, there are plenty of other athletes who "do their thing" on the road or at home whenever they get the chance. Some have always been the cheating type and some have never had such open opportunity at many different women and don't know what to do with themselves. Many of these men go on to have long-term girlfriends and some have wives...and many still cheat. The question asked to them is the same that is asked to many of the non professional sports dudes: Why get serious or settle down with someone if you don't intend on being faithful?

Another question and even more of a focus is: WHY do the WAGs get involved knowing the cheating and the rumors are even more likely to happen than with the average Joe Shmoe? Women want their men to be faithful and rightfully so because there's no reason to be in a relationship if that's not going to happen. But some of these women get involved with HIGH profile men having been made of the reputation that precedes them - yet they still get caught up. A lot of the WAGs were very average women (average meaning they were not necessarily trying to make the most of their own lives befofe they met these "wonderful" men) before they met their men so it makes you wonder: did you just want the stature? Let's not forget...the MONEY.

Ahhh, the money and the lifestyle. For sure, it doesn't get past me that this is a way to make some bank and to be "upgraded" from what you used to be. Getting with the right athlete (a lot of times that's actually a baseball player because quiet as kept, that's where the money is) can set you up for quite some time even if you're not together for life...if you're smart. There's bragging involved to friends who haven't been able to "get on their level" because now they hang with stars and people like that. Do the WAGs fall so far in love with the man that they let these things go on? Or is it a little bit of that sprinkled it with a lot of the "life?"

But how many of these women are HAPPY? How many of them are truly cool with knowing (and trust, some of these women KNOW what's going on with their dudes) that their men are doing whomever - wherever and whenever? Names and pictures splattered all over papers and the internet? Family and friends won't stop talking about you and some concerned about your actual being - not just talking sh*t about you. And if you have kids, how long do you keep them involved in the charade who the sake of the "life?" How long does it remain fun?

What about you? Do you honestly think you would have what it takes (I'm talking about mentally) to be a real WAG? Have you put yourselves in the lives of these women and really thought about how far you could go? Would the love keep you there forever?

Discuss.

His Heart

2009-10-24T17:45:00.001-04:00

So, I'm on Ghostface Killah's "Ghostdini the Wizard of Poetry in Emerald City" album - its been in consistent rotation for weeks now. Most know Ghost as one of the shoot em up bang bang members of Wu-Tang who, every now and then, can drop one of those very Carl Thomas-y (read: emotional) songs that the ladies will love and the guys will respect. His current album goes through a range of emotions from how he feels losing the woman he loves, believing he's found love at first sight, his rage at a cheating woman, and the list goes on and on. Anyway, listening to the album makes me think: Is he representing all men?

"...Any other day, I would of just let you, pass me by
Cuz I see you got situations
And I've got mine, but baby its OK
It's alright, I'm not gonna let you pass me by
Cuz this was love at first sight
Cuz this was love at first sight
It's OK... - "Paragraphes of Love" (chorus) Ghostface feat. Vaughn Anthony and Estelle

Now I certainly am not naive enough to believe that men do not have emotions and feelings and thoughts that can be just as deep as the women's thoughts and feelings. But of course, we don't often hear about it because "society" has made us believe that men shouldn't be able to express themselves and that results in them generally closing themselves up and leaving us to try and figure out what's going on in their heads. Lack of communication has often been a huge part of the reason couples cannot work our their differences and ultimately break up. Often times, the men are "blank stared" or even worse, laughed at when they do express themselves (even if it takes them an hour to get the words out). It's kind of like a Catch 22.

Case in point.

I was on the phone with, who was then and I'm not sure about now, a friend that I haven't seen in about a month. As we played catch up, he comes out and says "I miss you. I want to be around you because you're just so cool and sweet. I'm so glad we re-connected." He went on and on but I'll spare you all from that. Anyway, I kind of just looked at the phone and while I didn't laugh at him, I was saying to myself, "Oh yeah? Is this dude serious right now?" I'm not completely sure if I blank stared the phone because I can't imagine a guy saying stuff like this (he's over 30 so he should be at least a little comfortable with certain words) or if it was because it was HIM and with him, you're not sure if he's for real or trying to drop some game. I responded by telling him that I thought he was real cool and nice too and that it was fun chilling out with him. Said man and I still haven't seen each other and I haven't spoken to him on the phone since that day but that's beside the point. It kind of went along with my thoughts of: Do we really belittle a man's feelings and emotions? Do we truly believe that they could never be honest enough with themselves and us long enough to be expressive?

"...I appreciate your concern and support for me
Most important, your honesty and trust, your heart's incredible
This the truth spilling out of my guts
If I, would of took the chance to see
What was place right in front of my face
For sure, nine out of ten times
My actions wouldn't allow me to be so naive..."- "Do Over" by Ghostface and Raheem DeVaughn

Obviously, this is a man who may not have a chance in HELL of getting back with his woman. But the question is: in the general sense, do you believe a man can speak like this or do you laugh right from the jump?

Let's talk.

*Miss BB Note: If this were a Music Snob post, I'd tell you to go pick up this new Ghostface album - men and women will enjoy it!

THIS or THAT.

2009-10-10T16:00:00.001-04:00

I had a talk with a friend the other day and she was talking to me about her new fiance. It was quite the surprise to me because they've been together less than a year and it hasn't been the "honeymoon" it should be during that time. There's been lots of arguing, complaining, cancellations and just so many different things going on. To put it lightly, I was shocked and unfortunately for me this time, I couldn't help but to say "Wow, alright. That's wild because our talks about this dude have not been in line with an upcoming engagement. She agreed but she simply said "I demanded what I wanted." Hmmm, ok.

I had nothing more to say on it except "Well girl, I hope you're happy!" No one wants to hear their skeptical friend continue with their skepticism on their happy moment so I shut up. But in my mind all I kept thinking was, "She gave the man an ultimatum?" Truth be told, I'm nervous for the possibility of this "union." Times haven't been good for many reasons with them and they haven't known each other for that long; add to that an ultimatum, I think this smells like a recipe for a disaster. These things still work in today's world of people not giving a damn about others' feelings, the ratio of women to men being at an alarming rate and just the idea of it being dumb? REALLY?

Personally, I've never been one for ultimatums when it comes to men. I've voiced my opinion on how I feel about situations and maybe they agree and maybe they don't. But I've never said "LOOK, I want this to happen and if it doesn't then xyz." Not my style and I don't believe, if the outcome is in my favor, it will last very long. Understanding that my friend and other women may have a goal for their personal lives, giving the man (or "friend" or whatever) you're with an ultimatum is not the way to go. If he was interested in this notion, would he not have asked? Or at the very least, would he not have at least bought up the conversation with his lady to get her opinion on it? I'm just confused.

In my friend's case, this man is not ready. It's not an opinion - more of an unsaid fact. He is barely her boyfriend (it's been observed through mutual male and friends and we've never got a clear answer on how she can consider him her boyfriend) and it seems like he just wants to make sure he has her AROUND more than him being committed to being WITH her. I'm very nervous for her feelings as well as her inability to see the writing on the wall. But she has to know this isn't good...right? She has to know that by saying "This or THAT" is not going to make him be the one for her....RIGHT??

Ultimatums. Let's discuss.

*Miss BB note: The story of the friend is not complete accurate - there are a few things changed to protect my lil homie.

Touch Me, Tease Me

2009-09-13T01:15:00.000-04:00

We've talked about sex on here and last year, we specifically discussed Emergency Sex in a Glass and how we should all have some. But what if you don't?

Men say all the time, "Ladies, you can get it when you want it" and I agree with that. But a friend has bought up the topic of "Involuntary Celibacy." Involuntary Celibacy, in case you didn't catch the clear definition is when a person hasn't CHOSEN to be "out the game" but that is clearly the case. Now yes, someone of the male species may approach her but this man doesn't count because he has nothing to offer (I don't mean financially - I mean he has nothing going on mentally, socially, etc..) thus keeping her in that celibate state of mind. Exes or former jumpoffs may/may not be people she still speaks but sex is not an option for them (we're women and some of us get emotionally attached again when we go back).

So the idea that women can just always GET IT isn't as simple as it seems. My friend wants to know what can a woman do about her involuntary celibate status BESIDES have an unhealthy sex affair with food, watch porn and hate on the chick getting down, and breaking the toys while pleasing herself which, she says, gets boring after awhile. She needs assistance and all my suggestions were all things she'd tried already. LOL!

What say you? What are some other techniques to deal with this? Should she be putting herself out there more with new men?

Let's talk. *see, quick and to the point - I know ya'll don't always LOVE my lengthy posts.*

Linestepping

2009-08-29T13:08:00.003-04:00

So, I have a guilty pleasure. I've been watching, on a daily or every other day basis, Starbury TV. For those who haven't heard, this is an online stream of Stephon Marbury's (he's a basketball player for those who REALLY don't know) daily doings and other stuff. When I first started watching, I thought he was crazy but now, I think he's moreso trying to get a reality show than he is crazy. He's entertaining for me and more importantly, he usually streams from one of his houses (one in LA and one in NY where spends most of his time) which I love to see because I love a beautiful house.

On any given night, he has "Ladies Night." Now, there are already a lot of women in the chat room (he chats with the viewers too) so during Ladies Night, he put on some kind of sexy feeling music, looks "longingly" in the camera, and does something with his lips or tongue or something. He always has his shirt off during this time and will sometimes do one of his many dances. I don't know if I'm supposed to be feeling something in my love below (thanks, Lucky!) but I'm usually just laughing. Anyway, the other women for the most part are typing things like "OMG, Steph, don't do this to me" or when he says "how do you feel right now," they're replying with "I'm moist right now." Yes, bring your eyebrow down - I had to do the same thing. Did I mention he's a very married man (he mentions his wife almost daily and wears his ring)?

Is this a form of linestepping? I mean, are these women really overstepping their boundaries, albeit just over the internet, with their e-sexual advances toward this married man? One woman last week said to him that she would "ride the sh*t out of his pole." No, but seriously, she did. As I watch, I'm always wondering if his wife is watching and if she is, how does she feel about what they say to him and more importantly, how she feels about him initiating it all even though he doesn't say anything NEARLY as forward as the women. She knows he does the stream so I'm pretty sure she's seen "Ladies Night" at least once or twice.

How do we feel about sexual internet advances when a person is admittedly married or in a committed relationship? Is it okay because it's "just the internet" and you'll probably never meet the person? Is it still wrong because even though you may not ever meet, what you've said (or did because in the general world, flirting via internet usually results in some type of picture being swapped) is something you likely would never tell your partner about? Where do you draw the line?

Let's talk!

Bad Habit

2009-08-11T00:15:00.002-04:00

Before I formally met him, I saw him. Our initial contact was through a letter, then phone conversations, and then we finally met face to face (and when I saw him, I knew it was him before he even introduced himself). That was almost 11 years ago. Our friendship has gone up and down - a Great Adventure roller coaster of epic proportion. The details aren't even necessary at this point and we're on good terms right now. He was my bad habit for a very long time until I finally got over the hump, let the friendship go, give myself time to let it all go, and then come back to the middle again. Years ago, Far Rock (we've discussed him before) was my bad habit. I realized I wasn't his so I got over it.

We all kind of go through it. Maxwell's song (and PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong) sounds like he's talking about a current love...or lover. That woman is clearly taking him to another level when they hook up sexually b/c there's no one as bad as her. *wipes sweat from the brow* Anyway, you can read the lyrics for yourself and decipher what he's talking about. It seems to be somewhat of an obsession for him to connect with the woman and to even think about her scent, her hair, or just her body. It happens that way though, doesn't it? Sometimes it takes just that one person for you to be all messed up in the head. Whether it's something in the way they talk, the way they treat you, the sex...whatever. Maybe your habit was someone you're still with or someone you haven't seen in 10 years. Or was it something they did to you? Helped you do things different.

Who/What is/was your Bad Habit? Let's talk.

Mrs. You...or Mrs. Me-You???

2009-08-05T00:40:00.000-04:00

In keeping with the spirit of this wedding talk we've been having on here let's keep it going with this: the name change.

A co-worker is getting married in a little over a week and when she came by my department today, I asked if she was going to hyphenate her name or just take on her soon-to-be husband's last name. She said she'll be taking his name and after a longer conversation (which isn't at all relevant to this topic but was hilarious nonetheless), went back to her own work - the conversation, however, continued in my office. Here are the responses:

Miss BB: I'm taking my husband's last name. It's not even a discussion for me. But if for some reason I'm super famous and they only know me by [insert gov't name], I'll keep it in the public eye to cut down on confusion.

Fiesty: I don't know about dropping my last name and I don't want to hyphenate it. I really like my name as is and I'd have a problem just changing it. I guess it would become more important after we have kids.

Dubb (she's already married): I hyphenated my name because if I didn't, they couldn't call me [insert various nicknames that include her maiden name]. She may have only been partially joking but it was funny.

KayKay: Eh, I'd probably change my name in but I'd keep my maiden name in my career world.

Call me old-fashioned and perhaps a bit naive, but I really didn't know women discussed the idea of NOT taking their future husband's last name until a couple of years ago when I was reading a message board. Many of the women were adamant about not taking on their husband's name because they wanted to "keep their identity" and not get lost in his name. Miss BB Note: I frequent 2-3 boards and I'm not talking about either of them. The men who responded questioned why the woman who has agreed to marry him will not agree to taking his last name. Some of those men went as far to say it would be a total deal breaker if the woman didn't agree to. at the very least, hyphenating her name. I guess it's THAT'S serious.

The ladies of my department reached out to our former co-worker, Chief, to get his thoughts and his response is: "It depends if she's career minded or tryin to accomplish something where she's recognized by her name; it's cool, I can accept that. However in general I would like for my wife to take my last name, but it's nothing to fight about." I'm surprised Chief would say it's "nothing to fight about" because he's quite traditional and THIS is probably one of the upper echelon traditional things in relationships. When I told Fiesty about the conversation on the msgboard and how some of the men saw it as a deal breaker if the woman wouldn't consider taking his name at all, she said she could understand why.

I believe it's a personal decision (my girl Lucky has had her own reason for wanting to keep her last name) and that whatever makes you both comfortable is what you should rock with. But at the same time, I'm like "Why not take his name?"

What's say you? Let's discuss!

So What if I DO??

2009-08-04T01:20:00.001-04:00

I grew up with a mother who was a teacher. Because of that, my focus has always been go to school, get good grades, and get a good job. Boys (and eventually, men) will always be there to have fun with. So, and like I've said in a previous post, dating and settling down has never been a number one priority on my list. Even going into my 30th year (just a little over seven months away now), the idea of getting married is not a top priority, although I do hope to be married one day. But what's wrong with wanting that?

I recently posed the question to my crew: Where are you in your life as it pertains to dating and what do you think of women who have the opposite stance (no matter if you're loving the single life or tired of that sh*t and ready to settle down)? In what actually came as no surprise to me, most of the group would entertain the idea of a relationship if the right man piqued their interest enough to leave the single life. There's no settling here for this group of overachieving, highly motivated, attractive group of women so until that man comes along (and there's one who may/may not be close to leaving "the life"), they/we are fine where we are. They have no problems with women who have decided they have reached certain points in their lives where they can proudly say, "I'm ready to share my life with someone. I'm ready to be in a committed relationship that might even one day lead to marriage." And why should they?

There was a time in society where the only thing a woman should be concerned about is finding a husband. So, it's odd to see a woman be afraid, for lack of a better word, to express that she's ready to be in a relationship because people will look at her as though it's wrong. Nowadays, that woman is looked upon as the desperate type who needs to learn how to be more independent. Nevermind that she's well into her career and whether making lots of money or not, she's happy with her progression. Nevermind that she has great friends and has traveled with not only her friends but alone. Nevermind that she's dated and enjoyed the single life and has yet to settle down with a guy just to say, "I have a man." That woman is now desperate because she wants a relationship. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does not make up every "I'm ready to settle down" woman but I'm using the extreme because she does exist.

What is "in" to some people is the woman who is totally happy being single and would never utter the "I want a man" phrase. Forget the face that she tries to put her first name with the last name of every dude she dates. Forget that she's secretly depressed that she is single but would never let the masses see it. Forget the fact that the only reason she goes out so much is because she's tired of going home every night to an empty house. Oh, and lest we forget that she sometimes sleeps with every other dude she goes out with because she DOES want a little noise in her house every now and then. Drenna Note: Obviously, this does NOT make up every happily single woman but I'm using extreme cases because she does exist.

So what's the deal? Where do you stand in your life? And how do you look at the woman who's the exact opposite? Or do you ever even think about the exact opposite?

The Itch

2009-07-08T00:40:00.001-04:00

Walk down any block and you'll see them. Listen in on almost any girl talk session and they'll come up as a hot topic. Think back to how you (or if you're a guy reading, your sister) grew up and you probably had them around all the time. What are they? BABIES. Babies and children are everywhere now and if you're a single Black woman in her mid to late 20s or GOD FORBID, your 30s, most people have asked you at least once, "When you gonna settle down and get married? When you gonna have some KIDS?"

Recently, cnn.com posted an article about Black Women and Adoption where it shed light on something that is still taboo, albeit a frequent occurrence: Single Motherhood. The women in the article were fairly intelligent, successful in their careers and even dated more often than not. But after having failed relationships and seeing some of their "years" pass them by, they realized they yearned for children. While a couple of these women did not want to have a child out of wedlock, their need/want for children led them to adoption.

According to the article, a 2006 Census Bureau poll showed that 45% of Black women have never been married (compared to 23% of White women). As many of us have been raised to believe we should get an education and then get married, where does that leave the women who opted to find and sustain a career before even THINKING about the idea of a family? And when they are ready to focus on a relationship, they are coming up short. According to Mardie Caldwell (founder of Lifetime Adoption) in the article, "...There's a lack of qualified men to get into relationships with." If you're a woman in her 30s and for you that statement holds true (I don't subscribe to that at all and I'm knocking on 30), what does that mean for you? Do you just keep holding out on hope that you will find the man for you and just wish yourself the best on conceiving your own child?

Further, what IS the effect of the emotional strain some women will put them through, thus leaving them towards adoption? As stated, women are so often told that they're "getting old and hurry up and have a baby," that it becomes ingrained and start a mantra that they must have children. Fear of being infertile is also leading women to adopt. Fear of being alone is causing women to adopt. Fear of being side-eyed by family and friends for not having kids is causing women to adopt.

The article digs into a few more sub-topics that you can read for yourself and think about (i.e. the fact that biracial and light-skinned children are being adopted more than dark-skinned children because some of the women don't want a child that's "too dark") - especially if you're single and would like a family of your own but aren't "on the road yet."

Could adoption be an option for you if you're a single, Black woman who wants children? Men, could or would you date a woman whose children you found out were adopted...and it was by choice (I'm sure we'd be surprised by the answer)?

Let's talk.

MUSIC SNOB Review: MAXWELL

2009-07-03T01:30:00.000-04:00

"He's BACK."

That's what just about every woman (and yes, even some men b/c they KNOW what this could mean in the late night long run) is saying. Maxwell has finally - officially - graced us again with his voice. I instantly loved his voice from his '96 debut to his last album sighting in '01. Maxwell vanished to get away from the sex symbol "hysteria" Black women surrounded him with but he has returned with BLACKsummers'night (July 7th), the first disc in a 3-part trilogy. You all will still love me after this review...right??

I don't love it. I have honestly tried but BLACK is missing something to me and I will continue to listen to figure out what it is. "Pretty Wings," which we all know is the lead single, is lyrically a beautiful song but it doesn't tug at my heartstrings like most Maxwell songs tend to do to me. The intro song, "Bad Habits," is my personal favorite partly because of the lyrics (again) but primarily because of the band. As a matter of fact, the only part of the cd I DO love is the band - they manage to SHINE throughout every song. Another favorite is "Playing Possum" where it seems [to me] that we get a little glimpse of the man with "the voice." His tone isn't too high or too low; on the contrary, it just...fits. It embodies what the album could have been. Other than that, the other six songs just seem like songs you play at a dinner party and not pay any real attention. It's also important to note that Maxwell has found a very interesting raspiness to his voice that we've never heard.

So, what was the problem? I think Maxwell is in a different place so, at the very least, we're not seeing too many of the ballads we've come to know him for and so we get his version of "funk." But with only 9 songs, it is super important that we aren't questioning "where he's going" with this album. It's okay though - I'm happy he's back. No really, I am...just not loving his Welcome Back party of a cd. I'll patiently wait for 2010 when blackSUMMERS'night is supposedly released.

We're still friends, right??

The Draft

2009-06-25T00:25:00.000-04:00

The ballers are in town awaiting to see just how financially "balling" they'll be soon. That's right - the NBA Draft is upon us!

As always, there are plenty of pre-parties for current NBA players, future NBA players, A-Z list celebs, and the list goes on and on. You also have people who are trying to network (like people I know), publicize their business and just make a legitimate name for themselves. And then there's...THEM. THEY are the subject of today's topic.

The GROUPIES. Keep in mind that the men that will be drafted tomorrow age from about 17-22 (if they did four years of college) but the groupies? They probably age from about 17 (some kind of way, the youngins get in) - 40 (nothing else to do). These ladies have decided that somewhere in the room(s) lies their future paycheck and find it most important to get to the parties and scope him (or them) out. Unfortunately, one groupie often believes she's the ONLY ONE and that no one else will have the same game plan. As per a Twitter convo last night (follow Miss BB NOW) between friends, RAYN and Meechie informed us that the same sequin-esque dresses were in full effect. What makes them think they'll be the only ones with the outfits and the hair?? Please advise. The clubs were apparently very crowded with the same "girl" and not many with any sense.

Here's the question: Say you actually pull one of these future "ballin ballers"...then what? He doesn't just want you. Some of them have never even sniffed the scent of a woman (forreal - if they get drafted but never started in college not THAT many girls were giving them play) so why in the world would he be faithful to a girl he knew was sniffing his dollars? These groupies believe that because they may get some of the "Vitamin D" and their girls are hanging on to every detail they are special. And look what happens: We laugh at them on Twitter, talk about them on blogs, and if they REALLY get some shine as a groupie, all their info is run on LSA. People are LAUGHING - including the ball players.

I certainly don't need to know what draws the girls (I refuse to say WOMEN) to the guys; I'm aware of the money, lifestyle, and access that it almost automatically hands you. But I do wonder if any of them care about their reputation, their own self-worth, and the ability for them to be able to one day make their own millions. Does the song and dance get old for them? EVER?

Do we continue to laugh and bask in their ignorance? Do we, if we're "friends" with groupies pull them to the side and try to stop one from continuing to do the same thing? OR, do we give advice on how to stand out in the crowd of groupies so they can have their own "draft of groupies?"

Let's talk.

Family Reunion

2009-06-23T21:57:00.002-04:00

I have a sister. *drops the mic*

Ok wait, let's be clear: I've always known that and I know who she is. It's just that in the almost year that I've had the blog, I don't recall ever mentioning that. But yes, she exists. The last time I saw her I was 16 (we're 9 years apart and TODAY, 6.23, happens to be her birthday) and the last time we spoke, I was 21 and my parents were divorcing (we have different moms). Since that conversation in May 2001, I haven't spoken to her again. Think of her from time to time? Yes, but I had no way of reaching out to her so we didn't speak. I asked my dad a couple of times but he said he didn't have a way of contacting her either. The one cousin who she was tight with? Nothing. So here I was with a sister (and a nephew who I also last saw when I was 6) in Virginia but that's it.

I've looked for her on the internet (my dumb self was using MY last name to search for her until my "genius" brother reminded me that she doesn't have our last name) but always came up empty. I looked a couple of months ago but there were so many people with her name in the state of Virginia that I was at a loss. So, I stopped looking. On Sunday, I mentioned her to my friend on Twitter and I said, "Let me look again." This time, I searched using her full name, including her middle initial.

I found a picture. It may have been X amount of years since I'd seen her but I KNOW what my sister looks like. Along with that picture, came some more info and I was able to search her name and her city. EUREKA!! *just HAD to say that* I found a website that had more personal info, including an email address. The only thing that could happen was that the email address would be wrong and I'd either get no response or a "sorry, wrong person" response.

She emailed me RIGHT back! I found my sister in a span of like 5-10 minutes when before, I couldn't find her after looking for hours! We've had email conversation (in which I found out that my father has always had a phone number for her. Yes, you read what I wrote earlier correctly. Hmmph.), she showed me pictures of my nephew who graduated from high school last week, and of course, we're now facebook friends. LOL! She also said that she'll be up here in a couple of months for a few days so we'll likely get to see each other.

Exciting, huh? I think it's pretty cool news. We might reconnect and LOVE each other to death. We can be cool and I might can go visit her sometimes and we hang out. On the flip side, we might not be that cool with each other - be way too different and adult enough to realize that yes we're sisters but no not friends. I'm optimistic but I have no expectations. It is definitely a journey.

You guys ever deal with anything like this? Share.

Inside Out

2009-06-16T18:31:00.003-04:00

Dating has not been my forte (there should be an accent over the e but I don't know how to do it on a laptop).

I didn't do it much in college; instead, I took care of the studies, hung out with friends and spent more time partying. I did my share of "mingling" in college but I cannot lay claim to having dated anyone in particular. The closest I ever came to dating someone was Far Rock and let's face it, that was NEVER too much of an option.

Since then (it's been a few years now), I've not done too much of it. There have been a few guys here and there but no one steady at all. Not one of them has really tickled my fancy too much. Part of me thinks it is because I get bored quickly and the other part of me thinks they're just not my speed (in the likes and dislikes department); either way, we end up not speaking anymore.This pretty much happens all the time. I'm not home a lot and keep quite busy but rarely is it because I'm taking a stroll with a gentleman.

I've been looking internally b/c I never date. Lucky says it has more to do with me focusing on school, partying, work, etc. It's never been a big deal to me and it's not that it's a bid deal now - I just want to do it more! With my current state of self-reflection, I've kind of come up empty about why I'm not. I do have some maybes: Maybe I don't smile enough, maybe I don't do the "girly look" enough. Maybe I seem intimidating. Maybe it's all of that. I'm continuing to search and will figure it out. The glow on the inside needs to shine on the outside! Perhaps it'll be one of those things that I'll work on internally so long that dating will actually just start to happen.

Hmmmmm...

When It Hurts So Bad

2009-06-10T20:01:00.003-04:00

I think I've composed myself enough to address this.

I [finally] told the FP my feelings for him a couple nights ago. To anyone who doesn't know, this means that I told him I was in love with him. First time I've ever said that to anyone and it was a long time coming. The result? He loves me ("You're amazing. You are TRULY something special and I love having you in my life. You're so important to me." I believe that and don't think they were just words.) but he's not in love with me. Great. The first time I tell a man I'm in love with him (we love each other as friends so we say "I love you" to each other all the time) and have my whole heart completely open to him and he doesn't even feel the same way. I never knew what it meant to be completely crushed about something but I figured it out.

The funny thing is that it's not that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do that crushed me - I can't control his feelings and he shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. My tears (most of which came pouring out over the phone and probably once an hour yesterday - we talked Tuesday night) and feelings of being crushed came from the fact that he told me he didn't know where my telling him "came from." Now, he knew the feelings of being "in love" were genuine and came from the heart but based on a conversation we had three weeks ago where he told me he KNEW my feelings but it was "cool" if I felt like I was working my way up to saying it, he didn't know if I was saying it just because he thought he left the door open for me. And I quote, "You may have felt like you didn't have anything to lose by telling me." THAT'S where part of my hurt/anger comes from: I could lose my friendship over this and I could also have my heart completely broken. Furthermore, he told me he'd been frustrated with me because I was acting different and some of our talks had been awkward because he could tell I had something more to say but couldn't/wouldn't. Thing is, if he KNEW my feelings but didn't even feel the same way, how could you be frustrated? WHY didn't he stop me a long time ago if he knew?

So we went back and forth on some issues. There were a lot of tears on my end, there were laughs, there was more frustration, and there was even some anger. I think since he doesn't feel the same way (and NO, I don't know why he doesn't - I was too all over the place to ask or even CARE), he probably can't fully understand my feelings and emotions. Today, I asked myself so many questions: Was him holding on to the "I KNOW" but not feeling the same way but seemingly still wanting me to tell him selfish and maybe, egotistical? Why did I let fear get the best of me and not tell him sooner? Why doesn't he see me the way I see him? With me finally verbalizing my feelings, forget what he says he KNEW, can we be friends and neither of us feel like there's an elephant in the room? In terms of the last question, our conversation ended well and with us both saying that the friendship is most important and we want to preserve that. Parts of me are upset with him AND hurt by him but I truly believe that with time, we'll find our way "back to the middle." Some friends don't agree with that and that's okay - my decisions have definitely been questionable in terms of the FP from time to time - because I know what I have to do for myself. I pray that it works out that way but only time will tell and only God knows. I DO know that we will both have to put in a better effort overall for that to happen.

So for now...I hurt. A little less everyday, but there's going to be some hurt until I get over it. I've made strides in all of one day (I didn't cry AT ALL today about it) but I might hit another wall. I'm not crying but I am sad. And I'm scared - scared about a lot of things that I don't want to disclose right now. For this to happen for the first time when I'm 29 and it not to be reciprocated is a tough pill to swallow. That's real.

Mama told me one day it was gonna happen but she never told me when...(Name that tune and finish the line! We have to have some fun during a sad post, right?)

These Three Words

2009-05-29T00:41:00.004-04:00

"It's hard for me to express myself cuz I can't protect myself if I'm exposed." -"Crutches" by Britney Wilson, New York City Team, Brave New Voices (HBO)

I received a call yesterday from a friend of a very good friend of mine - let's call him Grind. We used to work together and now that we don't, we haven't seen each other as often; furthermore, he's been going through some things so we haven't spoken as much either. Anyway, after exchanging pleasantries, Grind went in on his reason for the call. He wanted to tell me how much he loved me and cared for me. How it's been so great having a person like me in his life who has always had his back and has been like an older sister to him (we're the same age but you know women mature faster in most cases) and he completely appreciates it. Grind took it a step further with, "I just wanted to tell you that because you never know when something might happen and if it should, whatever God you believe in, we need to make sure we save a seat on the other side of Him." Okay, I was starting to freak out a little bit. Grind has always been one that's a tap emotional (but still manly) but it this phone call was going a bit too far. After he was done (and it was much longer than I've shared here), I told him that I loved him too. Before ending the call, Grind told me that he just thinks people don't share how they feel with the people they care the most about enough and you never know when that person won't be there anymore.

After hanging up and calming myself down from the notion that either someone was about to do something to Grind or he was going to hurt himself (I've got my good eye on it, no doubt), I really started to think about what he said. He's so right that people don't often share their feelings with the ones they love the most as it pertains to their relationship. Unfortunately, we see it all too often at funerals and other sad occasions where people are heard saying "Ohhh I loved him/her so much. They were so good to me" and so on and so forth. Why is it that we think it isn't important to tell the people we love how much we love them while they're with us?

Is it because as we get older, we become less attached to our emotions because we're more concerned about the bigger fish we have to fry? Were any of us taught that showing emotion is "weak" and unnecessary? OR, is it because we're scared that by showing our emotion the person(s) will eventually use it against us? Do we think too hard about what people will do with our information or how they will respond to it? Are we justified in not being able to say "these three words" or a variation of them (FTR, the three words are "I love you").

Discuss.

*Drenna Note* This discussion hits close to me and I'll discuss as ya'll discuss in the comments.

I Choose You

2009-05-28T00:14:00.002-04:00

Soooo, I'm at the Drake Drizzy show chillin, getting my "SoFarGone" mixtape on. I'm jammin!

*feels a tap on the shoulder a couple of times*

Man: 'Scuse me, Miss. My girl like your ass.

*blank stare*

Me: Uhhhhhh, thanks.

I turn back around to continue to "enjoy" the show (ya'll know I said it was mediocre but ANYTHING was better than what was being told to me). Of course, at this point I feel like there are sets of eyes of on my behind. I know people look but they usually do so in passing - not just right there GAWKING.

*feels a tap on the shoulder again*

I tried to ignore it this time but I felt it again. I turn around and this time it's the young lady, who'd clearly had her share of libations, dancing with her man and motioning me to come grind with them (a la Spectacular from Pretty Ricky. Haven't seen the video? I'll post it at the end). I tell her, "No thanks, I'm good." She's giving me what SHE assumes is the sexual come hither look and says, "You sure? You really sure you good? Werd." In all politeness I can muster, I simply respond, "Yes thank you. I'm GOOD."

So, they leave me alone and "allow me" to watch a little more of the show before he interrupts me again while I'm speaking to a co-worker. And so it goes:

Me: I was speaking to someone, Sir.

Him: My bad...didn't mean to interrupt. My girl is real attracted to you. For real. WE want to know what's up. What's good?

Me: NO. THANK. YOU. I am not interested. NO.

Him: I'm saying though - we wanna know what's up. You just not down or you not attracted to her? I mean, that's a different story if you're not attracted to her.

Me: *deep sigh* SIR, NO THANK YOU. I AM NOT INTERESTED. I'm GOOOOOD.

We're done with this conversation. Well, EYE am done with this. I had no idea that couples who were down with 3somes were just so open like that. They were NOT discreet and quite loud about it. I've been hit on by women before and I'm just NOT interested. I'm never offended and call me vain but since they've ALL always been cahute, I'm quite flattered. *pops a collar* While this couple would've never gotten a whiff of my goodness, they weren't even much attractive to my eye. So YEAH...NO.

The show was about to be over when Miss Girl decided she was going to try one mo' gin. Mmmhmm, I saw her in my peripheral but luckily her man stopped her before she tapped my shoulder (which would have subsequently ended in a SERIOUS miscommunication) and told her, "Nah, she's not interested. She's not down."

Night OVER.

Ya'll have any "almost chose" stories? Hell, have you engaged? SHARE! Remember, you can do it anonymously.

Here's the video of Sassy Spectacular, just pretend it's a girl with all the grinding (though he's dancing like a woman anyway - hope you can see it):

Music Snob: DRAKE

2009-05-27T10:13:00.004-04:00

Ohhhhhhhh, Drizzy.

Let me start off by saying that Drake is currently THE MOST talked about, hyped up mainstream rapper we have out right now. No question. He's being considered the most popular rapper without a record deal. If you don't know, Drake is closely associated with Lil Wayne and Young Money Records (rumor has it that he's signed to them) and has been called Weezy's ghostwriter. The self-proclaimed "Lebron James of this game" appears to be ready to take over the industry. While he's NOT the greatest rapper of the decade (and lowkey, he isn't even the greatest rapper of THIS YEAR), he most certainly IS good enough for right now. The music industry needs a change and he brings a semi-fresh approach (sans his constant usage of the words "bitch" and "hoe" to refer to women and his sudden southern accent that I guess he picked up from Wayne and Crew). I DO keep his "SoFarGone" mixtape on repeat on the Zune.

Back to the point.

I was able to check him out last night at SOB's (thanks, Nadler!!) at the Hot97 "Who's Next" live series and was looking forward to a decent show. I've watched the Youtube videos of his live performances and have been quite underwhelmed by his insistence of the crowd singing all his songs rather than him - the one they paid to see. But this is...NEW YORK. He's never performed here and just to keep it funky, you've GOT to come hard with it here (I do believe you should put your all in to every show). So, Drizzy finally comes on the stage. I get his gimmick: he's a cute guy (if you like his type - he doesn't float my boat), he smiles a lot, and he's ALL ABOUT THE LADIES. In his JcPenney-esque outfit, he was all about gunning for the ladies when he stepped up. The girls knew every word that came out of his mouth. They screamed excessively when he said that he "didn't want a hoe but a real GOOD New York city woman." His dj went into some sexual r&b set as the show moved on. Yes, panties were two seconds from being thrown on the stage.

Bun B hit the stage to do "Uptown" with him and really, Drake could've left the stage and let Bun do his thing. As soon he got on the stage, you could feel the "spirit" of UGK about to take over! That was MY highlight. Drizzy did pieces of some other songs and only did "Best I Ever Had" and "Unstoppable" in their entirety. He did NOT do more of the popular songs on the mixtape, including "HoustAtlantaVegas." How WACK!! The show was mediocre, at best, to me. For someone who does a show damn near every other week, you would think that he would work on his stage presence. NOT. He kind of looked like a fish out of water and were it not for all the girls knowing the lyrics, he would have been a lost soul.

We've got work to do, Aubrey Graham (that's Drake - it's his middle name). Let's get that management together and get some MORE artist development going on. I SWEAR it'll help. You want to stick around? Got to put a little more effort into it, homeboy. Get BUSY and take it to another level.

Some of us with a little more common sense about this rap game don't have patience for mediocre people who COULD be better.

I'm watching!!

Tracking & Confirming

2009-05-20T23:13:00.002-04:00

A package was sent to me by a friend who makes THE ILLEST and DOPEST soaps, candles, scrubs, and lotions EVER a week ago. I was sooo souped because I was a couple of days from my Atlanta trip and knew I was going to be smelling extra good while down there (you go see a man you're digging, you want to do a lil something "extra"). So, I go to the Post Office and after waiting about seven minutes or so, Spook (the guy at the window) comes back to tell me they can't find the package. I'm sorry, what? I give Spook my phone number as asked and he told me someone would notify me as soon as it was found. I get to work (late now after waiting for no reason) and immediately receive a voicemail from a cell phone number; it was Spook saying they'd found my package and to come get it. I was a little confused about why he called from a cell phone number but figured that it might have been the closest phone to him at the time.

Will someone PLEASE tell me why this same man called me the NEXT AFTERNOON (I, of course, didn't recognize the number but I still answered the phone)?! After Spook identified himself, he said, "I'm calling to ask you out on a date." I was in SHOCK. COMPLETELY. We had about a one minute convo where I told him that wasn't possible b/c I have a boyfriend (yes, a LIE but I always feel the need to give a reason when I'm COMPLETELY unattracted to the man) and he, in turn, told me that is NOT what he wanted to here but I have a fan at the post office. Oh. Okay then.

A co-worker of mine told me, after I'd re-enacted what had just occurred, that had he been more "my type," that I wouldn't have had a problem with that call. Oh, and that I never know where I'll meet my husband. FAIL. Even if he had been my "type," which changes all the time (I just like what I like in the moment), I would have been completely spooked out (hence, his nickname) because of his abuse of power in terms of using my number. If Spook needed to speak to me so bad and couldn't do it upon my return to the post office, he should have slipped a little note with my package. You do not call a number that you should no longer have (which was written on the paper that had a copy of my package slip which had my address on it) just to try to find you a date. Helllooooo?? Stalker tendencies anyone?! No, he was not attractive to me and in fact, after seeing him for so many years at the PO I thought he was gay, but that wasn't even the point. You don't wild out like that! I decided not to call a manager about that "situation" but had he called again, I most definitely would have taken action. PLEASE BELIEVE IT.

There are a million ways to meet someone, people. THIS is a clear example of what NOT to do.

BTW, never know where I'll meet my husband? I definitely don't think I'm there yet. Woo sah!!

Reflection

2009-05-18T17:45:00.003-04:00

I've been away. I actually went to Atlanta over the weekend to see the FP (I saw a friend of mine there but the purpose of the trip was to see the FP)! Surprised? Or have I already mentioned it? Either way, I went and had a nice time in Atlanta. More and more I like that place; I have o thoughts/plans on moving there, but I like it. If I ever HAD to go somewhere else, I think that would be it.

Anyway, the FP and I had a little talk. The details of it all are unnecessary but it was a very important convo, kind of about where we stand. I got some answers - not any that shocked me or made me grin from ear to ear or make me turn my nose up - to some questions that I asked. When it comes to us, I don't know that I have full answers on what I want it to be. Things have happened that I haven't been pleased with and he hasn't been pleased with but yet, we continue on.

So, I was talking to The Cheerleader a little while ago and she said, "You don't see yourselves the way others see you." Hmmm. But I am a confident person - we both acknowledge that. She (and others) think I'm dope. EYE think I'm dope. She (and others) think I'm super smart and super funny. EYE think I'm super smart and super funny. She (and others) think I'm pretty or cute or some variation of that. Eye think I'm pretty or cute or some variation of that. She (and others) think I have a bangin' body. Hmm, well depending on what day (and how I'm feeling about my weight that day, lol) it is, EYE think I have a bangin' body. Basically everything The Cheerleader thinks about me I think I think about of myself. But I think maybe he point is that I don't BELIEVE the things I think it because if I DID see how dope I was, I wouldn't allow myself to be such an emotional wreck.

I would allow myself to figure out what I really want from the FP and maybe with or without his input (people give you signs all the time, you just have to decide if you'll take them or not) and tell him the way it's going to have to be if I saw the things that she and others see in me.

That if I saw myself the way others see me this would have been over a few months ago.

Or, if I saw myself the way others see me I would put me and all I got on the line and tell him whatever thoughts I have...and it might end up working out positively.

That if I saw myself the way others see me, I would see things a lot more clearly.

Why am I so confused.

Drenna Note* This is absolutely NOT some type of attack on the FP - I'd never do that on here. Though he's half the subject, this post almost isn't even about him. Perhaps him being involved is just a catalyst.

Passin' Me By.

2009-05-08T22:53:00.004-04:00

A week ago we had a "Farewell and thanks for all you've done" sendoff for one of our co-workers who'd been at the company for about 20 years. Chief, who left a couple of months ago, was the host for the sendoff for his former boss. As always with him (and the ladies), the topic turned to relationships.

We got into a discussion on how hard it is sometimes for men to talk to women for many different reasons. While I was off in a sub-topic about another "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" conversation, the primary topic was still going on - this time talking about HOW men and women meet. I don't know how it got started but when I tuned in, Tamale was saying that she would never talk to a guy she met on the street. It kind of took everyone by surprise that she said that because we were all wondering (seemingly), "Well how do you meet the men you meet?" Tamale said she preferred to meet men in a lounge (not a club) because it's "easier to talk to a guy there. What are we going to talk about if we meet on the street?" So, the next obvious question was, "Why don't you talk to guys on the street?" Her answer: Those men, in her eyes, are desperate.

Yes, I know...WOW. But we needed to discuss this further because I've never heard that reasoning. Tamale said that there's not a real discussion that you could start with someone you see on the street. Further, "why are those men just standing around waiting to talk to a woman? They're probably trying to talk to every woman that passes by." After we explained to her that we're not talking about homeboy on the corner doing nothing with his life but rather, a guy you might see while you're both walking, she still said "No thank you." For Tamale, it's totally weird to talk to a guy she sees in passing and a guy she meets at a lounge will do. I asked her how she would feel if the guy who was trying to approach her in the street ended up being a guy who was also in the lounge, she shrugged and said, "Oh well. And it would be okay if he didn't want to talk to me anymore either." In ending the conversation, she said that when she's walking she just doesn't want to be bothered - just leave her alone and let her get to her destination. Finally, she added that maybe she grew up in somewhere like Brooklyn, her attitude about it would be different.

Is this an opinion shared by others? Ladies, would you not talk to a man you saw on the street (remember, he's not homeboy standing on the corner)? If so, why not? Gentlemen, would an opinion like this turn you off and have you giving the screw face?

Discuss.

Can You Keep a Secret??

2009-04-27T22:47:00.003-04:00

About a month and a half ago, I started thinking about trust in terms of the people in my circle. So often, we hear people say how they trust this person and that person - just all willy nilly with it - but I wondered if that was really true. So I decided to do a poll to see where people really stand on it.

Most people were a little speechless at first and could only say, "That's a good ass question. Let me think." After thinking, seven out of 10 people told me they trust three people. Yes, THREE. Here's the thing: I asked them who they could trust with their LIFE. You know how people always say , "I trust XYZ with my life" and be dead serious about? Well, if you really had to, would you really trust all those people you used that phrase on? Some of the people didn't name their very significant other or their parents (those are the ones you would think would generally be on the list, right?) but rather their closest friends. On the lighter end of that same phrase, it simply meant, "How many people do you trust with your innermost secrets?" It was real interesting to see the brain wheels moving and getting REAL answers.

The FP said (and ya'll know he likes to go "deep), "There are quite a few I trust in my circle but I trust them to different levels. There are some I would tell one thing to and not another and - there are just different levels of trust for me. Some people who trust me with their lives and there secrets I wouldn't dare tell my business to" As long winded as it was (okay, not really) , I got the point and actually had two other people who shared a similar opinion.

I, too, came up with three people. I don't think they'd ever let something happen to me and if it did, I could only believe in my "next life" that they did all the could to help. I don't think that by having a certain two, three, five, or 10 people that you choose to fully trust mind, body and soul means you don't like, love or trust in SOME CAPACITY your other friends. I know it's hard to trust people nowadays because people do disappoint you sometimes. But try not to be completely jaded (Lucky uses that word sometimes - I TRY not to); it's just beautiful to have at least one person that you trust with everything.

So...

Who so you TRUST? Are you for sure?

Get It? Got It? GOOD.

2009-04-22T19:24:00.002-04:00

"Now what do you keep calling here for? It's OVER! It's OVER!!"

So, I'm walking home and "It's Over" by John Legend comes on. This is, by far, one of my favorite songs on the album because John is jammin on it and I love the beat. For some reason, I start to get angry at the lyrics (which, like all other songs I like, I've already processed a million time) for the first time. I begin to wonder, "Why should this man have to make a damn song about you to realize that the relationship is over?" In fact, why should anyone have to continuously tell a person that a relationship is over? What about "goodbye forever" does a person not understand.

I actually have experience on this one too! When I had that boyfriend of mine eons ago, he did not understand what I meant when I said, "We cannot be together anymore." There was a lot of, "But shorty, I just don't get it" and "You sure there's nothing I can do? I think we should be together" in his return speech. At one point, I was ready to laugh at him because I didn't understand why HE didn't understand what was going on and was going on with these shenanigans. As I was listening to the song, I even thought about that moment and was like, "Damn, so this is the norm?"

But what is it about the breakup that makes a person not believe it's a breakup and has them keep calling the person who broke up with them? Is it because you love the person so much that you can't believe it's come to an end? Is it because you just don't WANT it to end? OR, could it be that you knew the end was near but wanted to be the one breaking up with them? I wonder when the person begins to realize they're looking like the fool for continuing to call and try to see the person who dumped them. How long does this foolishness go on? I mean, the person has told you to keep all the things they ever gave you just to be done with you and you keep on going!! Tom foolery!

All the guys I've dated have tried to continue contacting me with the exception of one or maybe two and at some point, I became fed up and said mean things. Oh well and oh well!

Okay, so those of you who've been there (and I know most men and women have...DISCUSS.

*Drenna Note* Yes, I know I haven't been around much. I've been busy and tired but I'm back!

The Real Man Laws??

2009-04-06T11:44:00.002-04:00

I was on Facebook this morning and I saw the weirdest Facebook status:

"...1st rule of being a real man u don't use an umbrella. U put a hoodie or a hat on and thug it out..."

Okay, so I know that the Man Laws exist and I never try to infiltrate them but...no umbrella?? This law makes no sense to me. If you're in your suit or just dressed nice, whether it be in a shirt and tie or some jeans and sneakers, why in the world would you mess it all up by walking down the block with no umbrella. What part of the Man Law is that? Why does this make you more of a "Real Man?" I'm not saying you have to rock out with a Dora the Explorer umbrella, but would it really kill you to put up an umbrella if you're walking to your destination that is a few blocks from the train station?

Here's another "rule" courtesy of my FB friend:

"...and if its cold in the winter time u are not allowed to wear gloves, put them in your pockets..."

I mean, what in the world?! I really need to know why wearing gloves in the freezing cold makes you less of a man or a "fake man" as opposed to being a "real man."

Okay seriously, I know that these may sound funny but as I think about it, I don't know that many men who actually use an umbrella or men who wear open toe sandals (that is, btw, rule #3 and I happen to agree with it - I just don't think it makes you less of a man if you wear them). I wonder if they don't do it "just because" or if it's because they think they will be less of a man if they do wear gloves, sandals or use an umbrella. As a woman, I thought that the "Real Man Laws" were something that were a bit deeper than that and that they included things of a sexual nature more than a material nature (outside of the open toe sandals thing).

Do most men feel this way? And who can we credit for the start of these rules? Entertainers, rappers, or everyday men? Is there an age when some of "the rules" no longer apply? Seriously, I'd like to know.

Let's discuss. Of, feel free to add on to the "Real Man Laws" as you respond.

Seven Year Itch

2009-04-05T13:06:00.002-04:00

A couple of friends and I took on First Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum last night and while I see how much fun it could be, we clearly got there late so we couldn't enjoy it as much as we could have. We'll be back though! Alas, that is not the topic today.

Along with my two friends and I was a guy who went to college with them. As soon as I saw him, he reminded me of someone who is considered "weird," so I unfortunately was giving him "the look" from the jump. Let me say, he gave me good reason to do so not two blocks away from my house in the car. In sticking with the topic, I won't even go into that topic but I was giving him SERIOUS side eye. Anyway, after we finally got back to my friends' apartment, the conversation (as it often does) went into relationship talk. After he told us that he felt that if two people have a child or children, they need to stay together - NO MATTER the circumstances - he told us that people "wild out" because it's so easily accepted in society. People aren't honest with themselves in relationships...

That is why he has to be in a relationship for SEVEN YEARS before he thinks about marrying a woman. I was appalled for lack of a better, stronger word. I asked him what purpose that serves and he explained to us that it is because after seven years, he knows that no stone will be unturned and he will know all secrets there are to know about her. I explained to him that some people take "secrets" to the grave and in that instance, he would never know. This young man told me that it would not happen to him because of his "sixth sense" about these things. I told him that it sounded quite silly and almost disrespectful that he would put this type of time frame on a woman just so she could prove herself "worthy" of a ring. After him saying that I was crazy for thinking that is a long time to be in a relationship (I do think it's a long time for a bf/gf relationship but not a marriage), we both agreed that I would NEVER be the woman for him.

Seven years?? REALLY? This got me to thinking about how many other people feel that you have to be in a relationship forever before you decide to consider marriage (for the people who want to get married anyway). At this stage in my life, I feel that two to three years is long enough for us to be in a relationship to where we start discussing possibly going to the next level. That might not be right either but SEVEN YEARS ? That just seems wrong to me.

I'm going to start polling people, especially men, to get their opinions. But what do you guys think: Do you have to be with someone for years and years before you will consider marrying them?

Speak on it!

Live YOUR Life

2009-04-04T00:47:00.002-04:00

An old college friend sent me a text out of the blue two weeks ago. I haven't spoken to her in years and so I was surprised to hear from her but I've been missing her like crazy so I was super excited. Turns out, she was mad at me because I turned down the offer to be in her wedding. Not true but that's neither here nor there.

During our text convo, she asked me who my "new boy" was (read: "who is your new man?"). I told her that I was single and just hanging out here and there. She replies and I quote, "That is a damn shame. You're getting too old." EXCUSE ME?? *picture the ILL neck roll right here* My defenses immediately go up and I say, "That is NOT a damn shame and there ain't shit wrong with being single." I was completely offended by that rude comment because (1) who just SAYS that and (2) what makes her the authority?? I should point out that she is 28, married and has two children so I guess that's what makes her think she is the authority.

I was pissed because I enjoy my life as it is (hell, I DO admit to needing to date more) and don't appreciate someone judging it because it doesn't follow where they are in their life. As much love as I have for her, we haven't spoken in about three or four years so she doesn't know what's going on with me; in fact, I questioned the real purpose of this surprise text. The truth is, after she said that, I didn't have any real interest in continuing the conversation for the evening.

Unfortunately, she isn't the only one who feels that if you're 30 (or close to it like me and most of my friends) and single AND childless, your life is basically not worth living. Kick the bucket. Roll over and DIE. I've had countless friends, associates and friends of friends who have live by this rule - they either own up to subscribing to this thought or they think it subconsciously. Sometimes, I wonder if that's why some of them are married and/or have children...so they won't fall into that group of people they feel so bad for. Are they TRULY happy in their situation or are they learning how to be happy in their situation because they think they're supposed to be living that life?

Far be it for me to judge them...and damn sure far be it for them to judge me. Kick rocks then!

The CHICKEN...or the PRINCE???

2009-03-28T00:43:00.003-04:00

circa '99 or '00...probably '00.

My family bought our first computer in 1997. I was so excited because being a night owl, I knew I'd be up surfing the internet and just playing around on the computer. The first chatroom I ever joined was through ESPN because of my love for sports. Every night, I'd join in on the conversation for at least three hours (yes I had school in the morning and YES, my parents hated me staying up so late but I was always in school on time) with what was mainly a bunch of guys. It was never weird because they really only talked about sports and school (some of them were in high school and others were in college).

I met ChknPrnce in that chatroom. He was a really cool guy from Jersey and we instantly became e-friends. He was at least 10 years older than me but it didn't matter because we were just buddies. When I went off to college and we couldn't IM each other on the regular, he'd email me, I'd email him, and we kept up with each other's lives. We never saw pictures of each other but I described myself to him (the same as the pic you see in the profile but with permed hair) and described himself to me (Bahamian, 6'2" or 6'3", 210 lbs, brown skin, low hair cute, women said he was an average looking guy). He would tell me about work problems (too much work and not enough time to do it but well paid) and women problems (he had one friend in particular that he really liked and she liked him but they could never get on the same page) and in turn, I'd really just talk about college life in Mississippi.

After about three years, during an afternoon online convo (we'd spoken on the phone plenty of times by them, moreso when I was home) during summer vacation, I suggested we meet since he was coming into the city. I figured it was time that I meet my homie that I'd been talking to for years. He agreed and said he'd come by my house to pick me up and we could just hang out for a couple hours. I told him to park closer to the end of the block (so he wouldn't know which building I was coming from - I'm not crazy) and I'd meet him at his car. Once I got outside, I only saw one white, Ford Taurus (he told me he was in a white car) double parked and thought, "Hmmm, that's odd. It looks VERY old...I thought he was well-paid at his job." Some may call me bougie but I BEG OF YOU to believe that this was a red flag.

You do remember my physical description of ChknPrnce, don't you? Well, as I walked to the car, it was immediately clear to me that I'd been BAMBOOZLED. Walking toward the passenger door, I noticed old food cartoons and papers all in the back seat. DEAR GOD, I wonder can you SAVE ME?? As I open the car door, I pray for the best and brace for the worst. SHOCK, AWE, and MORTIFICATION get the best of me. This muthaeffa is all of 5'8", about 3oo lbs, and in need of a haircut. To top it all off, he has on a white t-shirt that is stained (who knows how long they'd been on the shirt or how long he'd had it ON). Oh GLORY!!

So, he asked me where I wanted to go and I told him that I came to tell him that something came up and I couldn't go anymore. So we drove around the block and he dropped me off at the corner of the block. I walked in the store and watched him drive off before I proceeded to go back in my building. Immediately, I got back on the internet and full of rage, I sent him an email. I told him that I couldn't believe that I'd been cool with someone for three years and he'd been lying for the entire time. I told him the reason that he couldn't get his love life together was not because they just weren't ready to be together but probably because he was lying about everything he was! I told him to never ever contact me again. After hitting "send," I blocked all his screennames. As far as I know, he never tried to reach out to me again.

That's my story of ChknPrnce...and no, it NEVER made me question my love for the internet or meeting people (maybe great friends now) from the internet.

Done...and DONE!

Tell 'Em Why You Mad, Son

2009-03-23T02:34:00.002-04:00

I'm an honest person - almost to the core. If you want the truth about something, ask me and I'll tell you. But I know how to give it straight no chaser to a person who can handle it and I know how to give it straight but soft to a person who is a bit more sensitive to people's honesty. That's one of the traits people love most about me. However, the worst personality trait I have is my inability to discuss my feelings about things - good or bad.

I think what most would say, if they knew this about me, that I'm passive aggressive. It's weird because I find myself to be most like this with people I'm closest to. If it's a not so good thing that's bothering me, I try to just get over it because I don't want to have an argument or be in a situation where I'm not speaking to a person I love for a period of time. So, I either avoid it altogether until I'm over it or I say how upset or bothered I am about the issue in the lightest tone possible where the person might not know how upset I am. For example, as of yesterday, I'm unhappy with the FP. Bigger than unhappy, I'm disappointed in him. Our relationship is simple and I don't think I ask for much so when something so simple goes overlooked, it really bothers me. I spoke to him briefly not too long ago and I mentioned how disappointed I was in him. He responded but I don't think he fully got how upset I was. That's my fault though because I don't know how to openly communicate my feelings about things that bother me. I talk around things and hope you get my drift. I swear I wanted him to "get it" but I didn't know how to get it all out at once so I kept going back to it and he kind of got "huffy" about it when I mentioned it the third time. So what did I do? Let it go, of course, and start talking about something else.

But how does that help ANYTHING if I'm still upset? Why am I still upset if the person that upset me isn't upset too? How does it help me grow if I can't express myself. How does my relationship grow with the person if I can't do it? What does it say about me and my relationships with some of these people (in this case The FP) if I'm scared that an argument or disagreement will result in the demise of our relationship? It's like they're - hell, HE'S - not getting the full "me" if I'm holding in my thoughts.

I can't keep doing this and being semi-scared to speak up but I don't know where to start to change it. What do I do? How do I begin?

I'm mad at ME. *Miss BB note* There's no need to tell me not to be so hard on myself. It is THIS serious to me that I have to be in order to learn how to change it

Open Heart and Mind

2009-03-09T13:48:00.002-04:00

I've never been in a relationship. I take that back - I've never been in a SERIOUS relationship. I had a "summer love" with this guy back in '99 that was silly from the jump but every other girl had a boyfriend so I wanted one too. He was nice enough but when I say he was WEAK - definitely not the guy for me. I enjoy the single life: the idea of meeting men here and there that I MIGHT be semi-interested in without having to just let it go because I'm with someone. I like the idea of going out with my friends and not having to see if this is a good night to go or if I should stay in (or go out) with him instead.

But I'm an honest person too and the truth is that lately I've been thinking about what it would be like to be in a real, very serious relationship. The idea of all of this has been almost too much and I can barely type the words out, let alone verbally speak them to anyone. I've had this feeling of, "Okay, you're ready for that if it comes along. It might take some time to happen because there's no man in the picture nut you're ready. You can handle that." *sidenote: We know how I feel about the FP and that he would be my ideal choice but I would never want to throw all my eggs in one basket when it may not happen or put that kind of pressure on either of us.* It is very odd for me to have these thoughts because I rarely ever have these thoughts. Almost never. My thought process always goes, "I got way more important things to do than think about a relationship." Actually, that still holds true; I have so much work to do on my professional side that it takes over some of my thoughts about my personal life. But now, the idea that they can co-exist has started to surface.

Trying to think back where this started, I feel like it was when I had a bad day at work and didn't have anybody (of the male persuasion) to talk to about it when I got home (to either be there or for me to go to their house - no cohabitation for me). A light bulb went off where I was like, "Damn, that would be real cool!" Of course, the person I can always talk to about things that bother me (and see, I know this may spark some of you to have a specific opinion on this)the FP, was more than available to listen to me and let me vent. Lucky says this is the natural progression of life. Maybe she's right. I'm not thinking anything further than a relationship at this point; I'm definitely not ready for the level ABOVE that one yet.

I was thinking of posting India Arie's "Ready for Love" for but that's a bit deeper than what I actually feel. So we'll just go music-less on this one.

Yeah, I'm ready...and it will happen in due time.

Where Do We Go From Here

2009-03-04T21:02:00.002-05:00

How do long distance relationships work for some people? I'm really curious. Some friends and I have been talking about LDR because some feel that the men just aren't in NYC anymore. I think that a big trend lately is that people are dating folks from their city and other cities to broaden their dating pool. Let's face it: A lot of single women in their late 20s and older are trying to make this marriage thang happen and are doing what it takes to get out there.

So let's say you live in Miami, went on a vacay to New Orleans, and met a dude from Chicago. Ya'll were able to go out twice while in NO and thoroughly enjoyed each other's company - so much so that you continue to converse after you're back in your respective locations. Things are going great: you see each other maybe once a month, talk all the time, hell you might even take it old school and send a letter in the mail once in a while. It's been a year (hell, maybe longer) and things are going good because you both agree that communication is the key; it isn't easy but you've managed to work it out. Point blank: This joint has gotten SERIOUS.

Here comes the hard part: The LDR can't last forever. As good as it has been going, you both know that you want to be in the same city together (we're not even talking about living together right now) and both agree that a change is going to have to come. But your career is solid in Miami and so is his in Chicago. I mean, REALLY solid. But someone has to move. Like, the needs need to be set in motion ASAP.

Who makes the decision that you or him will be the one to make the move? Is it based on the popularity of the career field in the other's city? Is it based on whether one loves or hates the hot or cold weather? Do you both look for jobs in the other's city and whoever hits the jackpot first is the one who moves? Hmmmmm, or is it just as simple as one saying, "Look somebody gotta move so I'm going to do it." I'm curious because I often hear that the woman is the one who moves to be with the man of her choice..and it's usually based on love. But I mean, maybe it goes both ways.

I'm just asking - something for discussion. Food for thought? Maybe???

For the Love of Ray-J

2009-02-26T20:39:00.002-05:00

circa 2003 or 2004

It was either my 23rd or 24th birthday and some friends of mine, past and current, along with some of their friends went to the 40/40 to celebrate. It was my first time there and as Jay-Z's biggest fan and lover in my head, I felt it my duty to go and do it up at "our" establishment. So, we're dancing, laughing, and drinking (bartender giving free shots) - having a good time. The music is never GREAT but if it's alright, it usually isn't a big deal because you're partying.

Enter Ray-J walking down the stairs.

Now, we don't live under a rock so we all know that Ray-J is Brandy's brother aka Mr. Cannot sing aka Mr. Nobody (especially at this point b/c there had yet to be any mention of a Kim K). So my homegirl's friend - let's call her Tiana - is like, "There's Ray-J." I notice him and his friend in their chinchilla squirrel coats, obviously hot as hell in the packed club/lounge walking around trying to be cool. He stops next to me at the bar and Tiana is like, "Yooo, we should make him feel real good - gas him up!" She proceeds to tell him it's my birthday and he goes, "Ohhhhh, its yo birtday?" in that Cali accent. Yes, "birtday" because it sounded like he left out the "h" in the word "birthday." I tell him yes in a very monotone voice and continue to sip my drink. Tiana, needed to be entertained at mine and Ray-J expense hypes him on: "Ouuu Ray-J sing her happy birthday!!!" I. AM. MORTIFIED. An "entertainer" likes to always put on a show and this moment was certainly no exception.

He busts out in song. His tune of "Happy Birthday: sounded like a nasally Alvin & the chipmunks rendition. We're all holding back our laughter (well, those of us in his direct view) but Tiana is gassing him HARD with a loud, "Yeaaaaaaaah! Saaaaaang, Ray-J!!" He finishes and I am completely outdone. Rarely the bitch and always trying to be the lady, I thank him and he goes on about his business. I continue mine with my girls.

This unfortunate catastrophe of Ray-J singing to me on my birthday could have put a downpour on the evening. But never fear, SUPERMAN appeared. Yes, Jay-Z showed up that night!!! He was RUSHED in so quick that I didn't even see him! I squealed and screamed for a hot second (though I promised myself I wouldn't not FIVE minutes before he came) before I regained my composure and stared at him from afar for the rest of the night! *puts L to my forehead*

Anyway, for the LOVE OF RAY-J, let us never have a moment like that again!

New York State of Mind

2009-02-13T12:52:00.002-05:00

Let's get it out of the way: The FP touched down last Thursday! We enjoyed seeing the city together and got to hang out in a way that we've never hung out before: for more than just two hours. It was a cool weekend and only because I just don't want to talk about it anymore, I'm leaving out the "downer" moments for me.He and I have addressed it, still love him to pieces, and among other feelings, that's it. We had a good time. By the time we got to the airport, I was crying for quite a few reasons. Ohhh, such a girl!

Today's Focus is: Living in New York. While the FP was here, he suggested we go to "Top of the Rock" at Rockefeller Center. Now, I'd never been and like many born and raised New Yorkers, there are many other tourist attractions I've never seen (yes, the Statue of Liberty and Empire State Building are on my list) so I was up for this! So, we take our quick ride up to the Mezzanine level (you can see it from the street) and we're walking through what's kind of like the History of not only Rockefeller Center but also a small history of the man himself and those harsh economic times. There were some cool facts on the walls. As we were exiting there, we stopped to take a picture of us on a fake ledge in front of the NYC skyline (of course, my mom thought it was real at first).

So, now we go up to the 65th Floor. They're doing this "Tonight Show w/ Johnny Carson" type intro to the top levels with a virtual show playing through the ceiling. All very cool and exciting.

We step outside and I'm amazed. It's a beautiful evening and you can see the entire city so clearly. It's breathtaking. The FP and I are trying to get our cameras right to take the best pictures despite the plastic guarding surrounding us (you know the walls the bulletproof type walls that the President has? I doubt what's up there is bulletproof though - just to make sure you don't drop stuff off the roof.). We walked around and I showed him buildings that I knew, embarrassed myself with my lack of direction, and showed how little I knew about some of the bridges. We stayed out there for a few minutes before going back inside to go up another two levels to head out to the COMPLETE Top of the Rock.

My heart almost skipped a beat and I really thought a tear would drop. This is my city. I've lived here all my life (okay, I went away to college for four years but my permanent address had NY on it) and in this moment, I understand why so many people either come to visit or come to live. Just looking at the city makes you believe that you can do anything and everything. That the Big Apple is really big enough for you and all your friends to take a bite from it and make your way. I've lived here all my life and I finally GET IT. I barely knew where the FP was during that time. My thoughts were able to wander and be totally free. My emotions were all caught up because I've never seen my city from this high and from this angle.

How could I ever be without this city? I NEED this city.

The Domesticated Lady.

2009-02-03T18:50:00.002-05:00

Lately, I've been having a conversation with myself about my lack of "do it yourself" energy. I rarely cook, only clean because I like to keep a tidy house, and don't fix things for myself. Why? I guess it's because I've never really HAD to and really just am not interested in it now for the most part. But I know this cannot last. I have to EAT on a daily basis and this will not include me eating out everyday (ironically enough, I never eat out for dinner). What's a girl to do? How do I fix this lack of domestication when it's never been my priority?

Growing up, my mom would always call me into the kitchen when she was cooking - you know, to watch what she was mixing, how much of it, and how it all came together. I NEVER CARED. EVER. It truly bored me to pieces because, just like I do now, I wondered WHY everything had to take so long and why you had to watch the food if it was already cooking. OF COURSE, you have to do that so it won't burn or overcook, but I HATED that part. So, while my mom really wanted me to learn, she saw that I just wasn't interested and stopped making me watch by the time I was like 16. Some 16 years olds knew how to cook by then but since I wasn't ever paying attention, it all just went in one ear and out the other. At this point in my life, I can make a couple of dishes and outside of the meats, I can make a holiday meal that will make you slap ya mama...but that's it. I don't cook everyday foods.

I'm not handy because...I HATE that. I don't want to hang up things or fix things or anything in that sector of life. When things need to be done in my apartment, I often see if I can get a friend to do it or it just MIGHT not get done at all. In this very moment, I have two mirrors, wall cubes, and a picture that need to be hung - I'll only be doing my small mirror and wall cubes. I'm just kind of like "whatever" about this whole idea of being handy around the house. Can't I just automatically have these skills?

So to all my ladies who have these skills, in part or in full, how did you acquire them? How do I get them? I need help...and I'm not joking!

Talk To Me!

2009-01-23T21:07:00.003-05:00

Yes, I've been missing...I know! I mean, I have no excuse - I just didn't feel like it. Isn't that lame of me? Oh well! Quick update: Everything was FINE with the FP; he said he really likes it. Big ups to the FP!

So anyway, there's been a recurring theme between me, people I know and...television shows I watch: Women having a HORRIBLE time expressing themselves. What? Noooooo...can't be. While it may seem hard to believe, I've noticed it to be true.

Let's start with me, shall we? A couple of weeks ago, the FP called (this was the same conversation that included "the list") and during some point on the conversation, he stopped me and told me to "hush." The FP said that for the last three weeks, I've managed to turn all the conversations we've had on him and made him the focal point. Allegedly, I don't talk about me anymore. At all. I hadn't noticed it but I didn't deny it because knowing me, it's probably true. I'm not sure what the problem is but I know I have a history of sometimes putting others' thoughts and feelings before my own. It's just that I never thought I had that problem with the FP. It's pretty easy to talk to him and have a free-flowing conversation so I'm not sure what's going on. In terms of "deep talks," I haven't been feeling all that "deep" lately so there hasn't been much to share. But, the fact that I don't even share my day in full or just how I'm feeling on any given day is worrisome for me. I'm working on that.

At work, Jersey was saying that she has work on expressing herself better to someone of the male persuasion as well. Her question: How much do they want us to say? Truth be told, I think that we as women keep our feelings to ourselves so much because we don't want to scare the men off by "speaking to soon." So we just wait until the guy expresses those similar feelings to us first. This could be a gift and a curse because I think men are just as nervous about telling us their feelings as we are to tell them ours. Of course, if they get it out there first, we usually breathe a sigh of relief because it was KILLING us not to say it too.

I wonder when we as women became so guarded? When did we become so afraid to put ourselves out there despite knowing the outcome? Are we jaded because of past situations?

Truthfully, I don't have the answer for you or for me. But, I'm going to work on both talking about myself more in depth and expressing my feelings. Don't expect to come running back to the blog saying, "Guess WHAT?! I done told XYZ I'm in Looooooove with him." NO. Slow and steady wins the race!!

Over the Hump

2009-01-14T22:32:00.002-05:00

So today, my first post went up on the Get Em Girls site (here's the link: The Great Debate: Yesterday vs. Today) so things are definitely starting to take form in my quest for "Shine in the '09!" I'll give updates when I put new pieces up there but I encourage you all to go to www.getemgirls.com on the regular because it is really a cool website.

So, if you click on my name over there, it will link you to this blog. That's a great thing because I'd love to grow my tree a little bit. LOL! But if you'll remember, the FP (along with other friends that I've mentioned before) does NOT know this even exists. Until now. As I was telling myself today at work that I need to send him the link to the GEG article, I remember that my name links to here. So, I made the decision to tell him about "Brooklyn Blue" and the other article at the same time. As we know, I've been nervous to tell him about because (1) I don't know how he feel about me talking about some things that include he and I and (2) it just makes me nervous sometimes. But anyway, I told him and he told me he would check it out. We haven't spoken since I sent it to him and good or bad, mad or not, I can't wait to hear what he has to say.

Either way, I made a vow to try not to censor myself...for anyone. Everything I've said about him on here (as far as I can recall) we've talked about. I don't disrespect the nature of our friendship ever (even when we're frustrated with each other) so I think it'll be just fine for him to read it. And yes, I've been thinking about it since I clicked the "send" button.

Let it go already, girl...I'm over the hump!

Not Right Now!

2009-01-11T16:43:00.003-05:00

So, the Giants just lost the game and I'm TIGHT right now. There are so many people to blame and so much garbage that just occurred that I don't know what to do. During the game, the only people I would talk to are those on "my" messageboard (it isn't really mine so no links will be given but we've been posting for years together so I guess WE run it, lol). I talked to Lucky basically during halftime but that's it. It was a tense time for me and I could not and WOULD NOT be bothered by idle phone conversation. For what?!?! Contrary to popular belief, many women love football and there are only a few things that would make them part with the Sunday routine...especially during playoff season. So I pose the question: Why would you bother someone when you KNOW something important is going on (whether you deem it important or not is irrelevant)??

Ladies, some men love sports; why you would make yourself angry by interrupting them during these hours (ESPECIALLY when their team is playing) is beyond me. If they're anything like me or anything like men I know, they will either try to give you SOME attention but still watch the game or brush you off altogether. Now, he's annoyed that you're interrupting KNOWING the game is on with your slick comments of, "It's just sports...you ain't getting paid to watch it" and all that stuff and YOU'RE annoyed because you don't have the full attention. If the conversation is important to you and the subject has been on your mind, why wait until Sunday afternoon to bring it up? Shoot, it would probably be better to talk about "it" later that night. But God forbid THE TEAM loses (as the Giants just did), maybe you better just test the waters on when it's cool to act "regular" because this could now be a delicate situation. Don't do it to yourself!

Men, we as women have "our shows." In case ya'll don't know (maybe because you only watch sports or just news or something like that), we have OUR SHOWS that are highly important to us and we cannot focus on a phone call (I use phone call because it seems that men usually always want to be calling us right at THAT time) and we cannot help you with something at that moment (maybe he's at your house, you're at his, or ya'll live together). SERIOUSLY, do not bother us unless it is VERY serious. As nurturers we'll gladly dvr the show (you know we will and I'm sure you would too - we all have dvr for the most part anyway) and give you full attention; but if you cannot find something or need to make something and don't know how, you're going to need to wait 30-60 minutes until the show goes off. No, it's really simple!

And it's not just television - everyone has "their thing" that gives them "me time" and it's kind of unfair for friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, and relatives to knowingly interrupt during this time! I consistently watch a few shows and though my people may not know WHAT the show is, they generally know what time I will be occupied. If I'm at a concert, I'm moreeeee than excited about that and have told everyone on more than one occasion what day and time this show is happening...DON'T CALL ME! I don't wanna talk!! Respect my "me time" gangsta!!

Let this be a lesson, ladies and gents...respect the time!

*goes to sulk about this game*

You're Just Runnin' Cross My Mind.

2009-01-11T01:44:00.002-05:00

I've had a few random thoughts lately. I've actually started posts about a couple of them but I decided against publishing them because...well, I didn't want to. So, heeeeeeeeeere we go:

I hung out with a girl I was really close with for about two years last night and it was really nice. I miss her but we can't be friends like we used to be.
My procrastination will be the death of me - I'm trying hard to live!
Sometimes, I'm just at a loss. It's good and it's gooooood. I've learned to take it slow and it works.
I'm nervous about the happenings of three weeks from now.
Work is alright but I'd like to get my side hustles POPPIN.
I'm going to be out and about in 2009.
It's time to do some more community stuff. There's a lot going on with our youth and I want to do SOMETHING.

Okay, so see how random they were? I know. I just wanted to get it our real quick.

Oh yeah, I'll be writing for getemgirls.com soon. I'll keep you posted when you can officially check it out. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be writing articles or blog-like posts so I think I'll mix it up. I have a few topics on my mind...I'll start next week.

The Rules of Conversation

2009-01-07T19:41:00.003-05:00

My biggest flaw, I've been told by more than one person more than one time, is that I sometimes cut people off when they're talking. I never mean any harm at all, really only doing it b/c the thought hit me so quickly that I want to let it out before I forget, but I know it can be annoying so I've been working on it since last year. It was completely bought to my attention after an argument with the FP because he "couldn't take it anymore" and I guess I needed to be stopped. I bought this to my mother's attention and she was like, "Um yeah, you DO cut me off a lot too." She likes him and so she was trying to have his back (picture me with a mean face right now); never met him, but she likes him. Seriously though, I know she has a point to.

Anyway, after a conversation with the FP (he called me - this is VERY important), we ended up having what was a disagreement/argument/difference of opinion on "the rules of conversation." These are his rules, as I've never heard them before and think they're kind of crazy (I told him that too but he just thinks I'm wrong, hence "the differences."). Anyway, for the sake of length and to leave out some of our convo, these are the rules (he didn't SAY these were "rules," but that's what I'm calling them:

When a person calls you, they are usually doing so because they want something and not just calling "to be calling." Note: He did later edit this to say that's how HE is and maybe not everyone is like that.
The person who calls basically controls the flow of the conversation.
The RECEIVER of the conversation is supposed to let the person who called ask all the questions and they should basically just be on the phone to answer or give opinions when necessary.
Conversations don't need to jump all over the place.

I mean, FOR REAL?? This doesn't make sense to have these kinds of rules for a conversation. AT ALL and I'm baffled. In respect to Rule #4, I think this is in reference to the way I am in conversations: if I think a question has been exhausted, I tend to just move on. It might be the most random next topic ever but that's how I am in conversation. It's not personal and nothing against him...just my way.

But yeah, about these rules: What do ya'll think?

Speak to me.

NEW YEAR...NEW ME!!

2009-01-02T19:54:00.002-05:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR, PARTY PEOPLE!!

I hope you all rang the '09 in safely in whatever you did (some partied, some went out of the country, some were in church, and some stayed home...all wonderful things). I was in A.C. (Atlantic City for those of you not in the tri-state or not familiar with it) with my crew and we had a GREAT time. We stayed at the Tropicana and it was so POPPIN' that we didn't even have to leave the hotel! When the ball dropped, balloons were dropped in the hotel and fireworks sound effects went off. It was quite crowded so we left that scene and just walked around. LAWD HELP ME but my feet were KILLING me after like 30 minutes; I think I'll be getting rid of those shoes.

Anyway, on to the point...

YES, this is a New Year and there WILL be a NEW ME. I have so many things on tap for myself and I don't want to lax in any of them. First, let me say that I paid off my credit card debt on like Monday which was a GREAT thing. It was less than 1G but I haven't had CC debt in YEARS so that was not the jumpoff for me. It felt GREAT to pay it off like a day before the bill was emailed to me and laugh it off. In continuing with the finances, I've started to balance my checkbook starting today and my NUMBER ONE resolution is to keep up with that. HSBC has horrible online banking and I never know what's going on so I need to do this for myself. Furthermore, I will also be starting a budget book. Yes, I'm talking about a black and white notebook that keeps all my purchases in and compare it to my expenses. My mom maintains that I don't get to have splurge money b/c I put too much into my savings accounts and 401(k) so I only have JUST ENOUGH to live but I don't care. I'm going to check on this myself and if it's true, I'll make some changes. While I don't spend much money on things that aren't essential to my living, even MORE cutbacks are necessary.

NEXT: the career(s). I can't tell you how much procrastinating I'm doing on this air check. Why? I'm not really sure. I think that I'm not sure of what people want to hear and don't have anything to go on besides what I already hear on the air. But I'll get it...trust me. I'm also going to be going at this writing thing...HARD. I've contacted a few online magazines and websites in regards to giving them some of that "Brooklyn Flava" and I hope it takes off. I don't mind writing for free to hone my skills and get my name out there because eventually, it WILL pay off. I believe that. It's a work in progress, ya'll!

Life changes are essential. I am going to stick to cutbacks but before I do, there are some things I really want to have for my apartment like a new TV (Lucky has never posted in the comments section to my knowledge but I'm sure she'll be itching to do so when she reads this to talk about my tv), some accent pieces, and MAYBE some daggone curtains. It doesn't sound like much but this place has really been neglected and it just ain't right! I would like to take a really big trip but I don't know where. LOL! I've been looking at the Jay/Bey pics from their vacation (or as the rick folk say, "Holiday") and I'm thinking, "Whyyyyyy can't I be away for New Year's Eve at the end of this year?" If I'm really going to do that, I need to do it quickly but if not, I'll make it a point to go SOMEWHERE nice this year. You know what would be real nice? If I could take a trip to Hawaii. Yeah, that would be cool.

I'm going to learn how to be a semi-neat freak. I keep the apartment decent but I get lazy sometimes and I HATE to clean. I'm going to try and clean like every other day. Seriously, "TRY" is the key word here.

Another real simple thing I need to do is step my fashion game up. I LOVE sneakers and jeans but I need to try something new. I want to be cute, casual, and comfortable on a regular basis (I do still want to wear my jeans/sneakers though sometimes). How do I do this while making cutbacks? When you figure it out, let me know! Hmmm, piece by piece...maybe?

Oh, and we need to get this social life of mine POPPIN on the dating tip. Things picked up a tad bit in mid '08 but it slowed down considerably at the end. I got a couple of interesting messages from unlikely people already but I'm giving them the side eye (don't act like ya'll don't know what the "side eye" is). SOME say my social life isn't popping because everything is "in place" for my life in the romantic sense (no need to elaborate...I disagree but I'm hopeful about the end result. *wink*). I don't care what "they" say but I gotta get some things going!

So, these aren't resolutions but rather, life changes that I'm trying to make. I'm determined more and more with each passing day!

Let's get our SHINE in '09! Hit it, Estelle!

Go For What You Know.

2008-12-27T19:17:00.002-05:00

So, I was on the train this morning coming down from Syracuse when this young lady got on with a semi-heavy bag. Now, it was packed but didn't look completely heavy but she makes this statement, "UGH, this thing is like a million pounds." Now, SPOTTED to the right of her and one row back was a guy sitting there with his magazine ready for the train to pull off. He'd just helped this older woman and her granddaughter put their bag up in the rack; all the while, the granddaughter was staring at him with a lil schoolgirl smile (another post for another day but there are few Joe Schmo white boys that i find cute on site...none really, I don't think). So he sees her "struggling," asks if she'd like some help with her bag, to which she replied, "I'd really love some help...I've got all of Christmas in here." Great, he helps her and goes back to his seat (right across the aisle from me and my mom) and she sits right in front of us.

Now, the train attendant is coming down the aisle checking tickets and tells a person who has their bag in an empty seat, "I'm going to have to ask you to move your bag overhead because there are going to be about 300 people on this train. *RING THE ALARM* Miss Heavy Bags hears this and turns to Mr. Blue Eyes and says, "Hey do you wanna share a seat? There's probably going to be about 300 people on the train." At first he looks a bit thrown off but the words that came out of his mouth were, "You want the window or the aisle?" She goes to sit, conversation begins, and I fall asleep.

WELL, CHECKMATE Miss Heavy Bags!! As Lucky always tells me, "BB, a closed mouth does not get fed." I agree with her but I also believe that if a guy sees me, why can't he come talk to me? Yes, I have fallen, for the most part, the societal belief that men should be the ones who should approach the women. Now, I may give a little eye contact or the "bat signal" that it's okay to come over but I will bot be the approacher. If it turns out that I am, it certainly was not the original intention. I do wonder sometimes if I've missed out on a date here and there because of my quietness but overall, I don't really care. Then again, Miss Heavy Bags appears to have rocked out and made it happen...at 7am!

So, even though some have been doing this for years, I raise the question: Women approaching men - is that what's going to be hot in the '09?

By the way, my mom told me (the lil nosey bee she is - she thought it was cute that the girl pushed her way over) that they were both artists but Miss Heavy Bags was talking about her man and Mr. Blue Eyes was talking about someone he was going to meet at his stop (somewhere upstate). When they were close to his stop, she was typing on her phone and he started reciting his number when she said, "Oh I was just texting my sister" and that was that. So, there ended up not being a love connection!

Back to the question...

Women approaching men - is that what's going to be hot in the '09?

It's Christmas!

2008-12-24T22:56:00.003-05:00

Well, tomorrow is Christmas Day!!! I finally got into the Christmas spirit when my co-workers opened their gifts and were completely excited about them. I tend to not ask for lists instead preferring to listen intensely and remembering what they said during that time. I think that adds to the excitement of it all when someone didn't ask for something, never knew you were listening, and they LOVED the gift. I JUST sent FP's gift today and I'm sure it'll come in handy. Others will be late if I send them at all and if I don't, well HEY. That brings me to the point of this quick post.

I do believe Christmas '09 will be canceled for everyone but children and people that I REALLY see fit to give. With the new addition to my family (my nephew was born in January), he was pretty much at the top of the list but he also has a brother, a sister and a mother. My mom and I are going up to see him (my brother lives up there too for now - another story for another day) in the morning so it would be completely uncouth of us to NOT take them anything. But when I say I have dug deep in to my pockets, I am NOT playing. Laaaaaaaaawd, I have spent SO much money since Friday that it makes no sense. I cannot do this next year - unless I'm making A LOT more money and stay within the amount I spent. Woooo Chile!

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. BUT, I am still in the holiday spirit! Here are a few songs I love (the first one is from a movie that came out during the holidays but it isn't a Christmas song) and Merry Christmas:

Remember this (I had to use the movie clip b/c the other videos won't let me post here):

"Give Love":

Ohhhhhh and we will NOT forget Donny:

Music Snob Review: Anthony Hamilton, "The Point of It All"

2008-12-21T19:53:00.005-05:00

I had no doubt. I wasn't even worried about it not being great. Even when I said to myself, "Why the hell did he put David Banner on this song," did I have any doubt that Anthony Hamilton's new cd "The Point of it All" would have not only been worth the wait but worth my money. Yes, I've had a copy of the cd since before it was actually released but this Anthony is always worth me dropping a couple of dollars.

The cd opens with "The News," which in true Anthony fashion, discusses the hardships of today's times. I know we look for him to do love songs but I always really enjoy his socially conscious songs as well. But be clear, after "The News," it is time to make babies. Real Talk. He begins by telling a woman he loves her just the way she is on "Diamond in the Rough" but apparently it just doesn't work out the way he expects because on "Hard to Breathe," he speaks on how he loved her so deep and got caught up, that he sees her in every other woman now that they've broken up. It is one of those songs (produced by Mark Batson, whom Anthony has worked with on "Charlene" and other hits) that you hear how painful it is and makes you want to sing the pain away right along with him - like I do when I'm listening to it on REPEAT...on the train.

The title track, "The Point of It All," is very simple, but beautiful. When you hear him say, "My day seems long whenever we're apart...its like someone has stole away my heart," you KNOW he means every word of it. How? Simple. Its because ANTHONY DAMN HAMILTON says, "...and the point of it all is I LOVE YOU/The Reason for it All is I LOVE YOU." The way this man sings, you will believe everything he says and that's it.

I could really go into the reason why I love every track but I won't. Instead, let me just say that you MUST tune into "Her Heart." Anthony is telling a story of his woman (and possibly, the women in his past whilst on this musical journey) stood by him no matter how many times it hurt him to be gone or not pay as much attention to her as he once did. But he says that, HER HEART won't let him lose her. Its a beautiful song of how often times we want to do the right thing and think we are (sans cheating, lying and other mess), it still hurts the one we love but the essence of that person won't let us leave them. Mmph, mmph, mmph...tell the truth!

If you haven't noticed yet, this is a "Please RUN and BUY this cd" post...do not bootleg it!!! Oh, and I got to have a quick convo with him at work about his music and he told me: God is Good and always working for me to do this and have people like you love it." TELL IT!

Oh, one final note that will push you to get it. The following is in the "Thank Yous" part (isn't that THE BEST part of buying the real thing) where Anthony is speaking to his wife, former background singer (maybe she still sings with them sometimes) and singer, Tarsha McMillan-Hamilton. I think it sums up a lot of the songs on "The Point of It All":

"...God gave me you because He felt I would take care of you and that I would build in you and with you for His glory. I love you woman, with all I understand and that I don't I seek. TO LOVE YOU DEEPER IS WHY I EXIST...

It's On You...So What Are You Going To Do??

2008-12-21T16:03:00.004-05:00

First of all, let's jam real quick to the song and see if you can name five songs in the last five to 10 years that have sampled the beat (song: "Why You Treat Me So Bad" by Club Nouveau). *doing my dance*

Anyway, a topic came up on a messageboard that I read and it's funny that it did because I was just thinking about it. Why do people stay with someone that treats them BAD. No relationship is perfect - that is no secret and we're all well aware of it no matter what your relationship history has been. But when you see the signs from the JUMP, why allow yourself to stay in something and then say, "Well, you can't control who you love and I don't know how to leave." Okay girl, did you not see his asshole-ish behavior a few days in or notice that tinge of an attitude? Homeboy, did you not see that this spoiled brat of a woman was looking for a dude that she could run over? HELLOOOOOO, red flag...someone? Anyone??

Seriously, I know people say that it's "so hard out there" to meet someone but does that mean that you should lower your standards in terms of the essence of the person...just to say you're in a relationship? A few years ago, I met a guy who was seemingly real cool and down to earth. One night after he'd dropped me off from a date and had gotten back to his place (Miss BB LOVES a Harlem man), we ended up talking late into the night. This conversation ended up turning into a full blown ARGUMENT about...sex. I couldn't believe that I allowed myself to go there just to date him. So we didn't speak for a few days until he called to apologize and I tried again. We dated about three more weeks until yet another argument about some BS ensued and I knew that I'd had more than enough. It just made no sense to me that I would date a dude like that just to say "we dating." I actually saw him over the summer and we went out again b/c it SEEMED like he'd grown up; by the end of the night, I realized he was still the same and we haven't spoken since that day. I may not be all gung-ho ready for a relationship but I also don't waste my time dating people that don't fit who I am.

Why settle? Despite what some of our families and friends may think, it IS okay to be single. It IS okay to know what you want and not settle for less (in this case, I will say that you should be able to give anything you ask for). Sure, you may not like the idea of being by yourself but if you are, you should learn to make the best of it. It absolutely upsets me that people who can do better and deserve better don't see it for themselves. So yes, while that asshole (male or female) you're dating is wrong for being that way to you, you are just as wrong (if not more) for allowing it.

Step Up. Expect Better. Demand Better.

It Was All Good Just a Week Ago

2008-12-20T12:35:00.002-05:00

The Single Life happens sometimes by choice, by circumstance or if you're like me, a little bit of both. I'll get into that for another day because it isn't the FULL purpose of today's blog (it is in a roundabout way but I digress).

I live in the hottest apartment in the building...by far. I've always assumed that it probably was since I moved in a couple years ago but my super confirmed it last year: "Oh my GAH!! Why is so hot in heaaaa? Jessis Christ. Its not dis hot anywhere else in di building." He has a thick Puerto Rican accent so I wanted you to get the full flavor. Anyway, I went out in the snow last year to buy a fan because I couldn't take it anymore. I thought I had a plan this year after I got my air conditioners: I would leave them in during the winter and the little draft that would come in would balance out the mountains of heat that comes in the apartment (no, I cannot regulate my own heat). Well, we had the coldest day ever like a week and a half ago so I took the ACs out. Now, its BLAZING in here.

So, now I'm sick and have been all week. Because it is so hot in here, I've had to resort back to the fan and sleeping under it. I can't let the window open because I live on a noisy street and would never fall asleep. This has resulted in body aches, loss of voice, ears hurting, etc. I can't sleep without the fan and haven't put the ACs back in yet.

I hate being sick and having to take care of myself! My mom lives up the block but I will not burden her with this small thing (she's called everyday to check on me though). With the way I'm feeling, it would be nice if I had a lil friend or something come over here so that I could lay up under him and have him take care of me (I don't think I'm contagious...just a lil cold). In a perfect world, that would have happened a couple times this week. I ran out of Theraflu earlier this week and in my Target run for Christmas gifts for my nephew and his brother and sister, I forgot to get it. It would have been nice if...well, you get the picture.

Anyway, I really enjoy The Single Life overall. But this week, it has SUCKED.

The M Word.

2008-12-18T22:21:00.002-05:00

When I was young, I said I was going to be married by the time I was 25. Two kids before I was 30 so I could be a young mother and STILL FLY. Yessir, I was going to be DOING IT.

By the time I was 17, I wasn't even thinking about that. I was concerned with going to college, starting my career, taking OVER my industry, and doing what I needed to for ME. I figured I would have a relationship or two along the way. To this day, I'm still not pressed about marriage; I would like to be married one day but it isn't at the top of my "Things To Do" list. I believe its out of MY hands anyway and someone else will have a greater plan. I know many women who are on "both sides," some saying "I need to be married" and others like, "Mmhmmph, yeah. Well, WHATEVER."

But what about the men and where they stand on this? I never had conversations with boys when I was in high school (or college, for that matter) which ultimately resulting in them saying, "Yoooo, I'm DYING to find that woman for me and settle down and do the marriage thing." Not once. EVER. While I never assumed that they didn't ever want to be married, I just thought their main purpose in the 18-23 age range was to meet chicks and sleep with them. *shrugs* It just really seemed like their "life mission" and really, that was okay with me if they thought that way.

But getting older, what about the men who have, so they believe and maybe rightfully so, found the right woman and are ready to make it official? *cue Jagged Edge* I mean, they are so serious about it and won't hear of any other conversation unless it is about setting the date. I'm talking about the man who is *no lie* giving his woman an ULTIMATUM. On some, "We been together long enough and I'm ready to make it official....quit bullshitting." In some cases, the couples might be living together or the woman might not be ready yet (true story).

I took this very REAL scenario to my job for conversation with the guys and they were STUMPED. A man giving his girl an ultimatum about MARRIAGE? Unheard of and frankly, quite absurd according to a couple of them. I did get a response which went something like, "Well if I have to offer her a fucking ultimatum about marriage, I need to get the hell out of that relationship." It seems as though, from observation and conversation, that once a MAN is ready for marriage, he has no time or patience for all the other bullshit. They are READY and this is final. No other words to be spoken, no other need for discussion. Let's skip the "small talk" and cut right to the chase.

My opinion: When men are ready, they just are. I think that some men might be so dumbfounded that a WOMAN is not jumping at the offer to "put a ring on it," that they jump with the "Let's do it or let me move on." I think its funny, definitely, but don't know that it is wrong per se, because women do it all the time when they are ready to marry the "man of their dreams."

It sure is interesting.

Thoughts?

Circle Gets the Square?????

2008-12-12T01:28:00.003-05:00

Drunk Dialing. Drunk Texting. Speaking wildly thanks to the truth serum. These are things I never do. EVER. Even when I've had one too many drinks (which, admittedly, is never too often), I'm always very in control of what I say and what I do - especially if I know I've had a couple of drinks. A couple of days ago, we had our annual holiday party and the open bar had the liquids flowing. Since it was an early party, I got home at a very decent hour and decided to see what the FP was doing. He didn't answer so I went on about my evening.

The next day I sent him a text saying something to the effect of, "You should have called me back. I may have had a couple drinks in me and wanted to talk crazy to you. You missed it!" His response? "Booooooooooooooo." Aroo?? Okay, FP...if you say so! So, we spoke last night and well into our conversation about everything and nothing, I bought it up to him. He was like, "You wouldn't have said a thing. Not at all. You never do." Here I am, trying to defend my random (and not too often) acts of phone debauchery with a lame ass response of "You don't know! I come out of the blue sometimes with it." He's clearly blank staring me over the phone...and laughing at me too (or so I believe).

I left it alone for awhile but it got me to thinking: Does the FP think I'm some kind of lame when it comes to...intimate matters? There have been times when we may have discussed GENERAL sexual topics but I haven't tapped too much into stuff about me. Why? I don't know for sure. It could be that at one point (not anymore AT ALL), I was a little intimidated by him and was hesitant to "share." Now, its one of those topics that just doesn't come up often - we seem to steer clear of sexual topics for the most part (or I do). But does this give the FP the impression that I'm some kind of SQUARE? While it would be an incorrect assumption, I can't help but think about it.

Growing up (and I've fast forwarded to my teenage years and for this post, high school is the "growing up" years), I wasn't into boys that much. It was all about getting the hell out of high school so I could go away to college. Suffice it to say, I started a bit later than all the girls I knew. While I had much share of fun, I've never been that "fly off at the mouth" kind of woman who has something sexually fresh to say randomly and most definitely NOT to a guy I really like. I flirt a lot but its never raunchy or anything. There's a big part of me that is kind of conservative in that respect. There's no fear of what will happen if I do say something off the wall but it has never been part of my persona. I do, however, give props the women who (which respect and some kind of dignity or couth) can do that - especially to a brother they're digging.

Anyway, I know that I can't make a change overnight into a "Talk yo shit" sexual butterfly (and not to toot too or beep beep my own horn but we are ONLY talking about VERBAL convo here - not the act. LOL!!!), I'm wondering if I should say little slick things here. But I don't know if that would work because (1) I'm not trying to put that kind of dumb ass pressure on myself and (2) maybe its a good idea to let him continue thinking that way. I was talking to a friend of mine last week about it and when I mentioned my thoughts of being a "square," she told me that was the wrong word and I come across more wholesome than anything - even in person. If that's the case, I can absolutely live with that. I don't mind if people think I'm this goody goody who can't get down with the get down when she need to! So, maybe it IS alright...but just to be "wholesome looking." Yes we're just friends and yes, its all platonic but I don't want him to think I'm a square - that's a turn off. No, not him.

Then again, what if these assumptions are all wrong? What if the tone I though I heard when he said, "...Not at all. You never do," wasn't really a tone at all?

I could really just be buggin...

Trading Places...Oh Yeah?

2008-12-10T21:22:00.003-05:00

First, I do apologize for the neglect! Not only have I been super busy at work and tired as hell when I'm not there...I just haven't had anything to say. But I digress and get to the point.

I was just watching Usher's video for "Trading Places" and singing my heart out as per usual - hitting the high note when he gets to the bridge - and I started thinking, "Oh really Usher??" First, I'm going to assume that he and the lady he's singing to have been together for some time but for the purpose of this here post, we're going to assume they haven't been together for long and this might even be their first date.

Let's discuss etiquette, shall we? While I'm the first to admit that I have never asked a guy out on a first date and don't anticipate doing so despite saying that I would, I find it to be kind of interesting and quite frankly, very bold of women who ask men out on first dates. GOOD FOR YOU!! I'm not knocking it at all because they have the balls to do something I don't...I'm too shy when it comes to men. Personally, I don't deal well with rejection and would be forced to retreat into my hole if he said no.

But anyway, about this "Trading Places" thing. Okay, so I ask you out on the date and say yes...now I gotta come ring the doorbell which is FINE...but I have to WAIT ON YOU? Pause. Fool, I'm a very timely person and if you cannot be ready by the time I get there, I'm going to be pissed. I mean ILL, why the hell can't you be ready when I get there? You're not putting on mkae-up or doing your hair!

So we're leaving for our date...I have to open your CAR DOOR. What the hell? What kind of chivalry were YOU (by the way, "you" is actually the guy being talked about on the date or use Usher if you need a visual) taught. I am NOT opening your damn door - you still need to be opening my door and I can still reach over and open yours. Miss me with it. So let me state that while I do believe that whoever asks the person out on the date is SUPPOSED to be the one who pays, I've never known a man who hasn't paid for a woman...even if she asks him out. So, while you wouldn't be crossed of "the list," I woud most certainly be like, "Is this a test or something? Whyyyyyyyy amI paying for him? I don't care that this is a first date."

What kind of man is this Usher is talking about? I'm thoroughly confused and while I know he says that "You been me...I been you. we gon swtich...this thang back...," I don't like it. NOt one bit. This man sounds either a bit "soft" or like a man who is used to being catered to by some woman or women. I don't have the time off day for it. In a sense, I suppose I'm old fashioned or traditional but I feel some kind of way about the first date. I just don't believe the woman should pay - even if she did ask the man. Oh well and oh well! I mean, I just think that's the way it's supposed to be.

Now, if we've been dating for a little while (no, that does not read "if we've been dating a year," lol), I have absolutely no problem AT ALL with paying for a date. I mean, that's just what's cool for me. Further, I have no problem telling him in a movie how bad I wanna "do him" or "getting on top." I mean, we gotta have some fun, don't we? *wink* That's beauty of dating someone for some time. We get to do things for EACH OTHER...because we want to.

But, the first date and in the very beginning? AB-SO-LUTE-LY NOT. Sue me. Oh well and oh well!

Lights. Camera. Action!

2008-11-26T20:15:00.002-05:00

I received the email: "Can you host a show for me? Its for a new project." My response? Sure. I don't like being in front of a camera at all but it was for my FAMOUS CHEERLEADER so why say no?? The original thought was that I was going to be interviewing some comedians. Not exactly up my alley but I like to laugh so this should be fine. The next email said that plans had changed and I was now going to be interviewing some fellow bloggers and discussing pop culture and new media. WERD???? Aight then...this might work after all. So the scene was set: Tuesday night, 7:30p...meet at the studio. Oh and DON'T BE LATE.

So the stage handlers and lighting directors and such are getting our stage together and making sure we have the right light. Finally, myself and my other blogettes (Janelle, Shana, and Eb the Celeb) were ready to be mic'ed! Okay, this is getting serious for us because I don't think any of us have been the star of a show. The floor manager cued me up and it was time to GO!!

All, I can say is WOW. From the start to the finish, we chatted like old girlfriends who were just sitting around with some cocktails! I was a GREAT "lead" if I do say so myself and my blogettes were equally FABULOUS. I don't know what to tell you: WE WERE ON POINT!! Oh and it was so much fun!

OPRAH, hurry us and catch us before somebody else does. We're HAWT, baby!!!

Got a Who? Gotta Get a WHAAAAAT??

2008-11-22T12:50:00.002-05:00

The last time I want a real "tough, straight HOOD dude" or "ruffneck," I was probably 17. Back then, these Brooklyn dudes had that swagger (I don't think I was using that word then - probably just said "style") that ALL the girls loves...young and old. They were the hang on the corner type dudes that were there no matter what time you passed by. The ones that screamed "Yo Shorty" or did the "psst psst psst" when they saw a girl they wanted to holla at.

But they were, a lot of times, also the ones who sold weed (or worse) on that same corner. They were the ones, even if they were just teenagers, also getting locked up at a retarded rate. Hell, they were the reason why the neighborhood wasn't as safe as it could be. They'd rather just hang on the block rather than go to school or get a real job - trying to have that fast money. Without hesitation, I can say that even though I never dated any of these guys (and I was a LATE bloomer so I never had sex with any of them), the idea of what they represented was a major plus for me.

But, it wasn't long after I got to college that I realized that those guys really weren't for me. As I grew older, I realized that the guy I needed was a nice who "was no punk." That kind of guy suited me well and I met many as I went through my college years and beyond. I mean, that one thing about the men I am attracted to has not changed since I was about 18.

So, the discussion came up at work about men who've been to prison and "Chief" asked me if I would ever date a dude who's been to prison. My answer, without hesitation, was "Absolutely Not." He went on to ask why and how come I won't "give a brother a chance" just because he was down on his luck. He also said that its harder for a black man to avoid that kind of situation. I told him that I wouldn't date a man who's been to prison because there's a lot of emotional baggage that comes with that, not to mention it will be tremendously harder to get a job. Chief and another co-worker looked at me and my co-worker who was in agreement like we were crazy. He said that we were "tough." I mean really though, I've never been to prison and so I don't want a man who has been there either. Sorry but even if you were a man like Charles S. Dutton who has maintained a wildly successful career after spending nearly 10 years in prison for killing a man in a street fight, I still wouldn't date you. Call it what you want but I call it my right to choose.

So, I wonder what makes a woman, a GROWN ASS WOMAN, want to date a ruffneck? If you got your shit together and not living a boring life at the same time, why the hell do you want a drug dealer or something along those lines? I mean, do people ever grow out of that "I want a thug phase?" Seriously. I'm really confused as I think about this so a little help would be appreciated.

Oh, if you think this post is judgmental...that's fine. I don't make apologies for certain thoughts I have. Oh well and oh well!

Keep it Tight...or Let it Go???

2008-11-15T16:50:00.003-05:00

I'm sure I've mentioned in the past that I haven't had much relationship experience. Over the past few months, I've been listening and observing friends' relationship and trying to put myself in them. You know, just to see how EYE would feel about them.

Lucky is phenomenal. I mean, all jokes aside, besides being a good friend, she is a great girlfriend and an amazing support system to her boyfriend and his children. Sidenote: Lucky was informed before I started the blog that there would be times that I would mention things that go on in my friends' lives. I will not, however, go into any full details - that might be a friendship violation and Lucky don't play. She went from 0 to 60, in my opinion, in terms of dealing with relationship and life issues in a matter of seconds and has taken it all in stride. She's dealt with family issues and the ever present baby mama issue - things that while they HAVE shaken and tested her will, they are not things that have made her say, "I'm out." I fuss at her all the time because while she is GREAT to her boyfriend and the kids, she is not as good to herself. I get mad at her but I know I better just get over it because she won't change.

Ace is strong. She always has been in the near 10 years that I've known her. She rides HARDER than a ride or die chick in terms of relationships and friendships. But you won't cross her and just get it away with it. EVER. As I've said before, she moved to Houston a couple of years ago and has been in a serious relationship the entire time. That relationship has failed and it has not been good. The person that I know is currently missing due to a lot of hardships in the relationship. She speaks of the strong person she is but deep down, I know it is hard to be that person when you have things so serious going on in your life that you don't know if you're coming or going. She only wants a select group of people to know, which scares me but I respect her wishes as I can or think I should. I love her and I'm also very scared for her. Ace told me a couple weeks ago that she had reservations about this relationship going into it but went for it anyway. That angers me too because I was very vocal in terms of being against the relationship as well but knew well enough to know that I should leave it alone. For two YEARS she...nevermind, it doesn't need repeating. I just know that she tried to make the best of her relationship.

So, to bring me to my question: If I were in a relationship, what could be my breaking point? Lucky doesn't, IMO, have to worry about any cheating issues and I don't know that Ace had to either. Their trials and tribulations are a little more deep than that to me. I don't believe in running from things that are hard but I must say that when I put myself in their shoes, I'm like "Shit, I gotta bounce." In Ace's case, I know what I would have done from the jump but I put her in it because I believe that she was hoping (and praying) that she had finally found someone who could be a really great companion to her.

Where would I draw the line? Do I say, "Fuck it I gotta do what's best for me" or do I say, "Let me ride this out because it gets greater later." I don't know and while I hope I never have to ask these kind of questions of a future relationship (that is the optimistic Miss BB speaking), I know that there is a very honest portion of a relationship where that might have to happen.

I don't know...just questions and thoughts.

The Barack & Michelle Project

2008-11-06T23:41:00.002-05:00

Hey guys! I know it's been a week but there's been a lot going on and none of it blog worthy. There's just really been nothing for me to talk about - not even old stuff.

BUT, CONGRATS CONGRATS CONGRATS to our new First Family, the Obamas!! I'm so happy that change is going to come...and that a black family is going to do it. Mark my words we will be ready to vote for President Obama again in 2012. Those who solely voted for him because he's black will then be voting for him because he can do it - not just because he's black. Do it then!

The point of this post is about Barack and Michelle. When I first became aware of Barack Obama a few years ago, I instantly liked him. I knew he was married but because he wasn't on "that level" yet, I didn't know about Michelle. Ever since his race to the White House began, we've obviously gotten a much closer look into the family. This is where we meet President Obama's best friend and ROCK of the family -the Mighty Michelle. I loved her from the moment I heard her speak. It was as though I instantly saw WHY they "clicked."

For everything they appear to be, I love them together. Michelle has said they disagree like any other couple but because there's respect, love and a friendship between them, they know how to work things out and get back to the love. Now, there are some naysayers who say, "Hmmph, you don't know how they are behind the scenes. This could all be a show for all we know." Perhaps. I'm certainly not naive enough to believe that Barack and Michelle Obama are perfection. That's a ridiculous notion to me. But why would I choose to believe that the chemistry we see between them is an act?

Black men and women always talk about how we can't find this or that in the other. No matter what Barack and Michelle needed from each other, we all yearn for that "look." That look that Michelle gives Barack that says, "Don't worry about it...I got it. You lead the country and I got your back. When you feel like that monkey is hard on your back, don't worry...you got these arms at home waiting on you. The look that Barack gives Michelle that says, "Thank you. And when those charities or grant writers for whatever dumb reason don't want to fund you, come lay your head on my shoulder. We'll sit still and then we'll figure it out." THAT is the look we yearn for because its a look of LOVE. A look of devotion. A look of respect. There's absolutely some eye rolling sometimes (who doesn't?) and some "Yeah Michelle. Mmmhmm...ok" going on, but it seems to go back to the love.

So tell me again, why would I choose to think that when the cameras are off so does the chemistry and love? I'll wait for the answer. In the meantime, let's look at my favorite picture:

2008-10-30T22:29:00.003-04:00

Okay, let me put it out there:

I haven't been doing a DAMN thing lately except working! Seriously, life has been pretty slow for me for the last couple of months or so. There have been no parties for social purposes, no afterwork events for networking purposes and no "ouuuuuuweeee" soirees for cutie alert purposes. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero.

What's the problem? I don't know exactly. Not only do I WANT to go out, but I NEED to go out for the serious networking purposes. I've been working a lot and that has made me very tired after the work day is done. VERY tired. There are days now that I can barely go five minutes without yawning. This hustle is SERIOUS. I'm so sincurr.

I went to this NJ Nets event last night with my friend Ladybug and while there weren't too many people there, we had a nice little time. It made me understand fully that I have to get out more. Ladybug is also a GREAT networker and I love going out with her because she inspires me to work on my networking skills.

Anyway, I say all this to say: I must do better. For real. I know it's starting to get cold and all but the cold air has never stopped Miss BB from a party (really only really bad rain and/or snow keeps me away).

So, keep ya girl in the loop on any industry events for networking/semi-social purposes (most know I'm in entertainment so I'm looking for entertainment and sports) and regular ole parties that you think are going to be good.

Good lookin' out!!

For the Record...

2008-10-28T16:52:00.002-04:00

I'm back in town!! Homecoming '08 was a complete success and such a good time. I got to see so many people that I miss terribly, including one of my best friends and my goddaughter. We hung up out with my fam on Friday night and as usual, they put on a good party. I swear, when you can't beat that Jackson music, you may as well join them. There was monkey swinging (I think), walking like a dog, and all kinds of other foolishness.

No, there are no stories to tell and no I was not being fresh AT ALL. I did get many, many compliments on the thickness and many requests for a homecoming rendezvous. I turned them down although a couple made me raise an eyebrow like, "REALLY??? As cute as you were in college and weren't checking for me then...so sad you were so dumb." LOL!!! But, it was great!

YES, we won our game in a thrilling end (I was scared for a minute though)!!

No place like home...coming. JSU style, of course!

Homecoming '08!!!!!

2008-10-23T00:06:00.002-04:00

Who want it with "The Boom????"

Yeah, I'm headed down to the 'Sip (aka Mississippi for everyone who doesn't know...I guess that'll be everyone who reads this, lol...'cept N.O) for Homecoming '08! Jackson State University, Mississippi's Urban University and Home of the Sonic Boom of the South, is where I rested my head for four years of college. Thee I love my dear old College Home!

I'll be on a flight down to the crooked letter state in about 12 hours and I cannot wait. There is something about going back down there to see people you may not have seen in years. Hell, there's something about seeing people at HOMECOMING that you may have just seen six months ago. As much as I didn't appreciate my time there WHILE I was there, you'd have to pay me not to gush about my school and my "family." I met people while I was there on the first day that are still apart of my life. Far Rock went there. Two of my best friends that I mentioned a couple months ago are my line sisters from when I pledged there. I have family upon family (none blood related but my fam nonetheless) there and I miss them terribly.'

I have the awful dilemma of how to split my time between my frat/sorors and my other crews. Truth be told, I miss THEE party to be at because I was hangin' with my Blue & White family at the gala. I'm taking my gala outfit for the 2nd annual soiree but I don't know if I'll actually make it. My brother already hit me up talking about, "Am I going to see you this weekend" and I do not want to disappoint.

Whatever, I'll figure it out. I won't be at work but for all intents and purposes, this is NOT a vacation! But maybe I'll come back with some stories to tell!

Jackson Fair, Jackson Dear!

Music Snob Review

2008-10-18T22:10:00.003-04:00

No, "Good Morning" to YOU, John Legend! And, let me say "thank you." Thank you for pretty much going back to the old voice that you supposedly "lost" and caused you to give us that Frank Sinatra sound on the second album. Thank You for giving me the feeling I felt when I heard "Get Lifted." Good Morning to You!

So let's get into this. The album starts with a "Good Morning" interlude and jumps right into "Green Light." That song, as we all know, is a straight "shake somethin" track and sort of sets the tune for the album. From "It's Over" which features 'Ye (you KNOW he's on this album so don't even start asking "Why does he always have to be on somebody song?) to "whine ya body" track "No Other Love" with Estelle, John gives us quite a few mid to uptempo this time around. I was shaking my head with quite a few "Go 'head then, John" statements throughout the album.

Not to be outdone, you KNOW he made some slow, sweet songs for us to get all Carl Thomasy (read: Emotional) over. "This Time" kicks it off by telling the story many of us know all too well: This time I want It All/Showing You all of the Cards/Giving You all My heart/This time I'll take the Chance/This Time I'll be your Man/I can Be All You Need/This time Its All of Me. We've heard it all before but John makes it sound SO sincere this time. Now, I don't know if "Good Morning" is something he's telling the lady before or after he tells her the lyrics in "This Time" but I love it all the same. The song is very laid back and you can very easily have this playing as "mood music" and the rest will be all up to your and your lady/gentleman friend. Then finally, even in his "We Are the World Moment"on "If You're Out There," he is right on the money.

Now, there ARE a couple of "misses" for me. I could really do without "Satisfaction." There just really is nothing about the beat that I like and it sounds like John is trying to act like he has some mean swag" in the song. I dunno...I just think we could have had a replacement. Also, while I completely ADORE the lyrics on "I Love, You Love," I really don't like how he sings the song. The background vocals are pretty good though.

Let's end this on a good note because I REALLY enjoy this album. The filler songs (check out "Quickly" with Brandy, "Take me Away," and "Everybody Knows") fit in very well and are pretty hot. The "hush hush" songs (aka the bonus tracks) are cool and I actually like the Teddy Riley remix of "It's Over" better than the original version. I think my favorite tracks right now are...nah, I'm not going to even do it. I really like SO MANY SONGS on this album that I can't pick one.

Pick it up in stores Tuesday, October 28th!!!! It DEFINITELY gets the Music Snob Stamp of Approval (just envision it because I don't have an actual one right now).

My Queens Connection

2008-10-17T09:55:00.003-04:00

*WARNING* I've previewed the post and its long. I guarantee this is a good read but if you don't have time, stop now. Don't say I didn't warn you...

I met Far Rock when I was 18 and a freshman in college. I'd seen him walking around the campus before and thought he was from NY (we went to school in Mississippi) but didn't know for sure until we officially met. He worked in Admissions and saw my name and home address so he sent a letter to my house in Brooklyn which my mom read to me. The first time we spoke was over the phone and for three hours. We finally met up at our campus' pool hall and as soon as I met him, I "knew." I was quite the late bloomer and didn't involve myself in boys in high school so it was not hard to tell that Far Rock would be my first...everything. I'd kissed a boy when I was 14 but I was GROWN now and kissing is quite different in college.

We were friends. As part of the "NY Crew" which consisted of only like six people, including me who was the only girl and the only one from Brooklyn, we were all very cool. Far Rock and the NY Crew were also part of a bigger "clique," that included my brother (we're not blood but we've been claiming each other for 10 years so people believe us) and my cousin (same thing as my brother), who DJed around the city and were VERY popular. I'm rambling...let's get back on track.

Far Rock and I would talk for HOURS about everything and though we would get "fresh" on the phone (he's Haitian and would get really beside himself in Creole), I loved that he was my friend more than anything. I didn't know when but I knew that being a virgin for much longer was NOT going to be in my cards. When we came home for Christmas, he came to my house to see me a few times and we'd get to whatever base that is that consists of kissing and heavy petting (what a slowpoke I was...that's probably first base). It was VERY cool. Once break was over, my mother got me on the pill because she's no dummy and knew what was bound to happen. Three weeks later, it did. I didn't know any better at the time so I thought that having sex with someone now changed the nature of your "Friendship." I asked him "what this meant" and he told me that we were still friends. First lesson learned.

I would learn so much from him over time. The weeks following our "encounter," he wouldn't call as much and my feelings would be hurt. Mama BB told me that I was wasting too much time on him and if I had a problem with the way he treated me, I would need to speak up. I did but not much changed so our friendship suffered within about a month or two. We pretty much stopped speaking until August when we tried to be friends again. But it wouldn't get easier. As fate would have it, I was roommates with the girl he was dating at the time and would be come his girlfriend the same year and later his fiancee (they didn't marry). Yeah, tough times indeed. Because of the situation, we never really became friends again.

Senior year was when we started to get "back to the middle." My parents were divorcing and not only had he met them, he'd heard me talk about how I wished that would have happened years ago. He was around to listen and if he wanted to talk about anything, I was there as well. He was still with his girlfriend at the time but we were cool and we spoke for awhile after graduation. Convos started to be more infrequent since he was engaged at that point. No hard feelings here though because I was happy for him. Plus, we always made the joke that we'd probably always fall back into our "comfortable" state (minus sex) unless one of us got married. LOL!! So, we stopped speaking for awhile.

A couple years later, he sent me an IM on Yahoo and since he didn't get married and they'd broken up, we were comfortable again. He spent a few years after graduation in MS but had recently come back home to NY for a "change." Neither of us were working at the time and since Far Rock is a workout buff, he was actually my trainer for a few months. It reminded me of old times...in EVERY way. Alas, it would come to an end because soon after we started training, I got a job at my current company.

We'd still talk and all was still good. I always looked out for him if I could and I loved the friendship that we'd grown to have. A few months later, however, I noticed that we were regressing. Like many who met me when I was 18, Far Rock still saw me as that girl and not the then 25 year old woman I'd become. I didn't always feel like he respected me and that was a problem. In my mind, that was never going to change so on Mother's Day 2006, I ended our "relationship." To me, my feelings being as hurt as they were came close to a heartbreak. I loved Far Rock as a friend for eight years and didn't see how we could not be friends anymore. Still, it was what was necessary for me to take care of myself. He'd taught me alot about men and whether or not he knows it, Far Rock has taught me just about everything I need to know about bullshit when it comes to guys. I know everything I do because of him and some of his ways. I even loved him for that. During the breakup, I told him I loved him and didn't want to do it this way but I had to. He responded that there's no way I could if I was going to end the friendship. He told me if I really felt that way then there was nothing else he could do, told me to tell my mom happy mother's day for him and told me to "be good." WHAT?! You're not going to fight for this friendship that was so special to ME???? In that moment, I believed that the only one who thought we had a real friendship was me.

We've seen each other over the last two years at parties and I've always been cordial because despite the "breakup," I've never hated him. Also, I was no longer mad so why act like it? A couple of months ago, he sent me a message and told me that although we don't speak he thinks of me often and considers me a friend. Further, he said I've remained the same person at heart and he admired me for that. Could it be? Was Far Rock having a "near 30" breakthrough and saw that he lost a true friend? No matter the reason, I responded and told him that we could definitely work on becoming friends again. I saw a new person - a person who saw me as a now 28 year old woman and I appreciated that.

But, Far Rock might think he's going to get comfortable again. He told me last week that maybe during homecoming (next week...let's go Tigers!!), I could come "hook up with him." Have I been punked? I thought that we were just trying to be friends again. I ended the friendship for a reason two years ago and am not willing to go back down the road of plain ole familiarity. Am I thinking too much? Should I just allow him to be my ESIG? Though we've had a 10 year roller coaster ride, I've learned to take away the emotion. But still, those are some long ties and I don't think or know that is necessary.

In any case, I'll keep you posted. Sorry for being so long but this has been on my mind. I'll have some real light hearted stuff later.

Goodness...this Queens Connection.

TAG, I'M IT!

2008-10-16T20:11:00.003-04:00

Sooooooo, I got hit with the "infamous tag." I don't know WHY Janelle had to pick me when she KNOWS I'm new to this. Hell, I'm not going to even be able to follow all the rules. But, here we go:

Link back to the person who tagged you (CHECK!)

Mention the rules on your blog (CHECK!)

Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours (I'm getting to it...see below!)

Tag 6 following bloggers by linking to them (I can't...don't even KNOW six bloggers!)

Leave a comment on each of the tagged bloggers blogs letting them know they've been tagged (See #4)

You can now display this charming dalek image i created when tagged! (Will do in a minute!)

Umm, well...alright. I'm going to just do what I can:

Before I go to bed, I have to flip through every channel on my cable to make sure I don't miss anything.
I mix ketchup and tartar sauce when I eat any fried seafood as my "cocktail sauce."
I've never been in a fight in my life (I'm a Brooklyn girl so this IS quirky).
I never saw the play "Cats" because I was always scared of how the cats looked in the commercials. Even when my mom wanted to take me when I became an adult, I passed. Funny thing is, I sat at the end of the row when I saw "The Lion King" and was scared of the "animals" that came down the aisle.
Everyday when I come home, I change from my "good" glasses into my "play" glasses. If you don't know what I mean, its very similar from changing from your school clothes into your play clothes.
I can't cook everyday food but I PUT ON for some holiday food. No for real, I make real good holiday meals, minus the meat b/c I'm not touching turkeys and stuff.

Welp, I'm done and have no one to tag but I did it! Oh, almost forgot...

Ask About Me!

2008-10-14T12:17:00.003-04:00

I don't know if I've ever mentioned how long I've procrastinated in getting my career going. Oh wait, I think I did it in a past post.

Anyway, I bring that up now because there may be times between Monday and Wednesday that I do not post. I may have a lot to say but the reality is that I'm so tired these days that I might not be able to keep my brain on focus long enough to get out a full thought. I've been wanting to be on the radio since I was about 13, with only a couple of career alternatives (record label exec and entertainment lawyer...all still dealing with entertainment and music) in between. So, the fact that I'm 28 and so far behind boggles my mind.

Not anymore! Since last week, I've been coming to the station overnights two nights a week in order to learn more about running boards, doing breaks, etc. My goal is to make sure I'm kind of comfortable understanding how the jock works so I can do my own aircheck, let the PD and APD/MD listen to it and give me some constructive criticism so I can send it out. On those two days, I get like three hours of sleep in the early evening, get up to eat and pick out my clothes for the next day and leave for work at like 11:15 to be there at midnight. I work until 5am, come back to my desk to sleep for a couple hours, and then do my regular days' work. I'm BEAT as I type. I mean, I am sooooo sleepy right now that I'm only blogging at work because I'm trying to keep my eyes open.

Oh, on top of that, I'm still trying to get my write on. In case you didn't know, I'm one of the writers for The Career Magazine which is an online HR magazine (check it out: http://www.thecareermag.com), where I give an "introspective" or "inspirational" point of view on careers. I'm looking for other opportunities to build up my writing portfolio as well. SO, with that in mind, if you see something...say something (shouts to the MTA for that one).

Last but not least, my friend Ladybug and I are possibly starting something else that I don't want to mention yet. Our schedules are crazy but when we commit to something, we blow it out the water!

I'm hustling...on a grind! I'm trying to hard not to let ME get in my own way. If I had the money to get down to ATL this weekend for the taping of the BET Hip-Hop Awards, I'd be there for the networking. Okay okay, I'd be there to party too but let's not lose focus of this post! LOL!!

I'm trying to put myself in a position where failure *as I see it* is NOT an option. As FP once told ME, "Better get on my train before I pass you by."

Yeah yeah yeah...I hear you, man!