Here's how things normally go with me: Someone says something or does something to me I don't like and instead of addressing it in the moment, I let it go for a bit and maybe Ill get back to it at a later date. If it is a really big deal to me, I'll likely do my version of addressing it.
It's not that I'm passive. Oh, I used to be but for the most part, that's long gone. No, it's more than that. I get nervous. I worry. I think too much. I think too much about how I'm going to say this or how someone's going to take that and how the conversation will end.
My hands get clammy, beads of sweat usually starting forming in my forehead and when I start to speak, my voice isn't as strong as it should be. I might even change my tone a bit to make someone feel a little more at ease when I come to them. It is a level of panic that I only feel when I have to express myself.
When it comes to work or my opinion on something generic - or hell, something that has nothing to do with me - I'm clear and to the point. I'm almost unwavering unless you give me a good reason to rethink a situation. But when it comes to me voicing my opinion on how something made me feel? I clam up. My emotions and feelings and the verbalization of those things are the toughest things I've had to deal with in my life. I'm not exaggerating; I just get...befuddled Also, I have this "thing" where I just don't anyone to take anything I say the "wrong" way.
Something happened recently that set me off but instead of addressing it in the moment, I waited for two weeks. Now, I had my reasons for eventually waiting that long but the reality is that I should have dealt with it right when it happened. When I did talk it out, it took a lot for me to put on my "big girl panties" and tackle it with a serious voice. The situation was resolved through conversation but while beating myself up about how long I allowed myself to be mad before we talked, I had a bit of a breakthrough.
There's a new day coming for me. I've mentally tackled this problem before but I wasn't really ready to make it better. Later for that. When people feel like they can tell me anything - things they know I won't like - and it'll be okay because they know I'll internalize it, that's a problem. I can't continue to let people think they can possibly run over me. This goes for anyone: men, my friends, and my family (my family actually doesn't do this often but they aren't exempt).
Slowly but surely, the days of me worrying more about how someone will take my truth are going to disappear. I'll always think tactfully about how to say something because that's just my way and for me, that's only right. There are only certain situations that call for being outright nasty to get your point across. But to bottle things up and I'm the only one upset about it? That doesn't work for me anymore. If what I say to someone - something that is true to my core - is enough for them to decide they want to steer clear of me even if that wasn't my intent, then I guess it wasn't meant for us to be in each other's lives
So here I am, learning what seems to come easily for everyone else. I'm excited but scared to see where this leads me but to be a better person for myself and others (trust me, my silence can be very loud and ugly), I've got to do things differently.
2013 is finally the start of my evolution.
